Nick pulled down on the string, drawing open the curtains. It was already so dark from the rain, his reflection bounced off the wet glass. “When we were headed down the runway, I looked up at the wall of fog and hesitated for a second, thinking that maybe we should turn back. But I was too proud to admit I’d made a mistake, that Theo was right.”
Nick stopped and turned around, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, his eyes fixed on some point on the carpet.
“Takeoff was smooth, and the plane soared up into the clouds. Within a few minutes we were cruising at fifteen thousand feet. It was so quiet and magical up there, like the whole world was on pause. I looked over at Theo and I remember thinking that I’d never felt so at peace before. That this was what life was all about. That very moment. That’s when everything changed. The wind suddenly picked up, catapulting us back down into the clouds. I tried to regain control of the plane, but it was like an invisible force had taken over and was dragging us down. No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried to pull the nose back up, nothing worked. Wisps of cloud and rain started whipping past us so fast it felt like the windows were going to crack. The next thing I knew the ground was coming at me at an unstoppable speed. Then there was the piercing crash of metal and glass and…and…”
When he tried to speak, small gasps came out instead of words.
“Nick,” I said, my own voice scratchy.
“The last thing I heard was Theo calling my name,” he said, his voice now a hollow whisper. “The doctors said it was a miracle I survived. But going through every day for the rest of my life knowing that I killed my brother, that’s not a miracle. It’s torture.”
I wanted to go over and reach out, to touch him, but something was still holding me back. “Is that why you went to the meetings?”
He nodded. “I spent the first few months after he died basically catatonic. It became so unbearable that I became obsessed with trying to find answers, something that could make sense of the mess I’d made. That’s when I found out about the Near-Death Society through a random Google search about the afterlife. I had this crazy delusion that someone who’d been to the other side could reassure me that Theo was in a better place. But the more I went, the more I was convinced there is no other side. It’s all hell.”
I swallowed hard, trying to take it all in. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this before?”
“After he died, I couldn’t function or even have a normal conversation. Day and night, all I could think about was Theo. But when I met you, something shifted and I felt an old part of myself start to come out. I was racked with guilt about it because I didn’t think I deserved another minute of happiness again. I knew that even telling you would be a form of relief, so I couldn’t bring myself to do it.”
My limbs pricked and felt heavy, like they were waking from a long sleep, stirring feelings that had been put to rest. Even though Nick didn’t technically die, he’d felt more dead on the inside than I ever had. “Is that why your parents are gone?”
He nodded, fiddling with the strap on his watch. That’s when I realized why it was frozen on the number nine, why he never took it off. It was the time of Theo’s death.
“They couldn’t stand being here anymore. Everything reminded them of Theo—the stables, the pond, the maze where we grew up playing hide-and-seek. And especially me. They couldn’t stand the sight of me anymore. Theo was always my father’s favorite, his ‘young grasshopper.’ He never said it, but he didn’t have to. My dad did everything with Theo—ride horses, golf, hunt. All the things he never did with me.”
My heart felt like it was breaking all over again. But not because of my pain, because of Nick’s. I stepped closer so that I was standing next to him now.
“Aunt Bea came to pack up Theo’s things. That box of stuff she was carrying that day on the stairs, that was for Samantha.” He was talking faster now, like he wanted to make sure he got it all out. “That’s something else I couldn’t explain. Samantha was never my girlfriend and never would be because she was Theo’s. He was going to propose at the end of the summer. She was there that night to pick up the box Aunt Bea put together for her. It was the first time I’d seen or spoken to Samantha in months. Since his funeral.”
The final pieces were starting to emerge and connect. Only I was still standing too close to see the completed puzzle. “What changed?” I kept my eyes trained on the ground, on the space between his feet. His red Converse looked black from all the mud and rain. “Why now?”
“It was much more painful without you in my life. Even though the pain is what I deserved, you didn’t. So when I realized that depriving myself was also hurting you, I couldn’t bear it, and I had to try to make things right.”
There was a knock at the door and my mother poked her head in.
“Derek’s here.” Her voice was pointed and firm. Our time was up. She opened the door wider, shedding light from the hall into my darkened room.
I kept my gaze fixed on the same point on the carpet between Nick’s feet, completely paralyzed. Pressure started to build up behind my eyes, like a storm brewing in my head.
“Thank you for listening,” Nick said. “That’s all I wanted. I’ll see myself out.”
After he left, the vague outline of his stance remained indented in the rug where he’d been standing. His confession swirled around me, the words impenetrable as if they were spoken in a foreign language I didn’t speak.
“Is everything all right?” My mother came up and tucked a loose hair behind my ear. “You know you don’t have to go tonight. You can always stay home with us.”
“I can’t,” I said, smoothing out the wrinkles on my dress. This was my second chance, and it had nothing to do with Nick. “Derek’s waiting for me.”
When I got to the foyer, Nick was just making his way out. Derek looked on, his fist balled around the pink carnations that made up my corsage. In his rented black tux with the matching carnation boutonniere, he looked much younger than Nick, like he was playing the part of a grown-up for the night.
Nick paused before he closed the door, letting in a gust of rain. With his hand still gripping the doorknob, he turned back to face me.
“There’s one last thing you should know. When we were on the dock that day, right before I pulled you into the pond, you were right. I was going to say something. I was going to tell you how beautiful you are.”
Something fluttered beneath my scar, like a small goldfish was trapped behind it, wriggling madly to be free. It felt like my whole head was spinning out of control.
“You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. I just thought you should know that,” he said, before shutting the door behind him.
CHAPTER 30
“WHAT THE HELL was he doing here?” Derek demanded once we were in the limo. It was decorated like a disco inside, with multi-colored flashing bulbs lining the sides and ceiling.
I had managed to avoid the topic while my mother took pictures and my father handed out the champagne, like we were headed to our wedding, not our Atlantis-themed prom.
“I didn’t know he was coming.” I felt a headache creeping in with every blink of the lights. I cracked open the window to let in some air. “I haven’t spoken to him in weeks.”
“What was all that bullshit about you being beautiful?” His nostrils flared as he spoke, like an angry bull’s. “Did you sleep with that guy?”
“No!” The words stung, like it was hardly believable that someone would find me beautiful without getting something in exchange. Derek had never complimented me before. Not even tonight, when it was basically an obligation. “I’m here,” I said, more to convince myself than him. “I chose you.”
“I don’t want you to even talk to that guy,” he barked. “You don’t see me hanging around with Betsy anymore, do you?”
In all the time I’d fantasized about being Derek’s girlfriend again, I’d forgotten about this, how he sometimes spoke to me like I was his bratty
little sister. I sank deeper into my seat, digging my hands into the sticky leather cushion, while Derek poured himself a glass of vodka from the mirrored mini bar.
“No thanks,” I said as he started to pour a second one.
“Great,” he scoffed. “You’re not going to be any fun tonight, are you?”
He downed his drink and my half-filled glass before refilling them both immediately. He was already well on his way to being drunk. I had only seen him wasted once before, when the debate team went to drown their sorrows after losing a match and I had to pick him up. He didn’t even thank me for getting dressed at midnight and driving all the way to get him. He just made fun of the minivan and my pink slippers with the pig face on the toes, like the team’s failure had been my fault. Why were all these bad memories suddenly coming back to me now?
“Can you close that thing?” he yelled to the driver.
The tinted glass divider lowered, shutting us in. He slid in closer across the seat, squeezing me in against the door. He groped around the layers of material of my dress until his hand found my thigh buried underneath. He gripped hard. I used to like it when he touched me that way, with a firm, rough hand, like he never wanted to let go. But now it made me feel like I was suffocating, like he thought I belonged to him.
I opened the window more, letting in a stream of big, fat raindrops. I couldn’t help but think of Nick, dripping wet. Where had he gone? Were these same drops falling on him right now? The way they felt, landing on my cheeks in splats, made my stomach coil into knots. It wasn’t just Nick. I had felt this way before—the rain settling into a mist over my face, the pain in my gut, the uncertainty—like a memory from another life. That’s when I remembered the last time it had rained this way: the night of the accident.
“I booked a room at the Sheraton for later,” Derek announced as we pulled into the school driveway behind a line of other rented limos. “And look what I brought for the occasion.” He flashed open his jacket. A small, square, florescent green packet peeked out from the inside pocket. It was a condom, just like the ones we had bought together at the Vista Valley Mart all those months ago. “I figured we can, you know, pick up where we left off.”
My stomach heaved and swelled like there was a tidal wave trapped inside me. “Okay,” I said weakly.
The driver came around to my side first and opened the door, holding out a black umbrella. I slid out from under Derek’s hold but could still feel the spot where he had been gripping my leg, like it had been permanently marked by his fingertips.
I paused on the walkway. The rain was pelting down in sheets, blowing onto my hair and dress. A giggling group of dressed-up couples spilled out of their limo and splashed past me, racing for dry cover. Derek ran with them, making a beeline for the front entrance. He didn’t turn around or even notice I hadn’t moved until he reached the doors.
“What are you doing?” he called out as the wind battered a bouquet of balloons behind him. A silver one broke free from the bunch. I followed its path in the sky as it flew higher and higher above Derek, above the building, up into the source of the storm, until I couldn’t see it anymore. Suddenly I wasn’t standing outside the school, but in front of his house that night, the rain coming down on me just like this. “Olive, come on! You’ll get soaked.”
As his voice reached me, I shook off the feeling, reminding myself where I was. I ran up the walkway to meet him.
The whole building felt like it was shaking from the thumping bass. We headed in the direction of the sound, the rows of lockers on either side of us plastered with the same nautical-themed streamers and balloons covering the front entrance.
“We’re going here first,” Derek said as we approached the Pioneer. It had been so long since I’d staked out the door, waiting for Derek to emerge, pretending I just happened to be walking by whenever he finally did. “We stashed a keg in here this morning.”
The pre-party was already packed. Hip-hop streamed from the iPod docking station, drowning out the Katy Perry song blaring from the gym. It was hot and humid inside, the windows completely fogged over from the rain. I looked around, taking in my surroundings. All these years, I’d built the Pioneer up in my head to be this amazing, secret hideout. But it was just like every other classroom in the building, with the same drop-panel ceilings, the same fluorescent lights, and the same dry-erase board up at the front. Other than the fact that you needed a key to get in, there was nothing special about it.
“Bro!” Jed, one of Derek’s teammates, greeted him with a high five. Even though Derek had his arm around me, Jed acted like I wasn’t there. “Now we can really get this party started. This one’s for you!”
Jed downed his beer in celebration and then immediately started pounding the one in his other hand. A small crowd cheered him on. A group of girls nearby excitedly admired one another’s outfits. A couple was sloppily making out in the middle of the room. And here I was, with Derek, a part of it again. This had been exactly what I wanted. Only now that it was happening, why did I feel like I was suffocating?
Derek dropped his arm from my shoulder. “If you’re just going to mope all night, tell me now.”
“No,” I said, dredging up the biggest smile I could muster. I was sure I looked just like my mother. “I’m happy to be here.”
“I’m going to get some beer.”
He pushed his way through the thickening crowd toward the keg, greeting his teammates with “bro-hugs” along the way, like they were football players. I moved off to the side and watched him. All this time I’d been so convinced that getting back together would reinstate my identity, but I never stopped to question what that identity even was. Because the more I thought about it, Jed’s behavior was no different from how it used to be before the accident. He never talked to me or asked me questions about my life. None of Derek’s friends ever had. I was just the girl on the side, the one who watched from the stands during debates and sat quietly during lunch, listening to them laugh at their inside jokes. It suddenly dawned on me why Derek had wanted me to dress up as a cheerleader for Halloween. It wasn’t so he could live out some private fantasy. It was so I could look like what I already was: his personal cheerleader. In the end, it was probably why he chose me over Betsy. He didn’t have to worry about sharing me with an entire team. I only cheered for him.
My eyes aimlessly scanned the crowd until they rested on a head of long, blond hair. I knew who it belonged to before she even turned around. Betsy Brill. What was she doing here?
She intercepted Derek as he made his way back, juggling two yellow plastic cups overflowing with beer. Leaning in, she whispered something in his ear. My body froze as her dress slipped off her shoulder, revealing her bra underneath. It wasn’t just any bra. It was red, with a delicate, white lace trim. Tiny pink heart-shaped polka dots covered the bust. Even though the hearts weren’t visible from where I was standing, I knew they were there because it wasn’t the first time I’d seen them.
My lungs suddenly felt like they were shrinking, fighting for small gasps of air. Everything grew hazy, the room off-kilter, like I was the one who’d been drinking. I looked down at my dress, still streaked with rain. It felt like I was standing outside looking in through the steamy windows.
And that’s when the truth came barreling toward me, forcing me to confront everything I didn’t want to think about or remember. One by one, each detail came into sharp focus, like I was reliving the whole experience all over again. It felt so real and vivid, like I’d been transported back in time to that night, and I was no longer standing in the Pioneer, but in Derek’s bedroom. Naked.
I’d begged him to let me keep some of my clothes on, but he said he wanted to see all of me when it happened. He told me to trust him. And I did. I always did. The bed squeaked as he lay down on top of me. Using his hand, he guided his way in. I stifled a scream and bit down on the inside of my cheek. Pulling down on the ends of my hair, Derek thrust his body into mine over and over until he rolled o
ff with a grunt. And just like that it was over. I was no longer a virgin.
When I’d reached down to retrieve my shirt from the floor, it snagged on something hidden under the bed. A red bra with heart-shaped polka dots and a white lace trim around the edges.
The song suddenly blasted in my head. The lyrics jumped on top of each other, out of order, like a traffic pileup. There was an added urgency to his voice, but I couldn’t tell if it was meant as a sign or a warning. The melody crescendoed until it seemed like it had nowhere left to go, like it was dangling on the precipice of a deep canyon. One more step and it would drop, free-falling into the abyss. The sound and scope were so big it felt like the melody could no longer fit in my head, a prisoner banging his fist against the contours of my skull.
I’d become so convinced the song was trying to tell me something, but I was beginning to realize that maybe I was going about it all wrong, that it was up to me to decipher its meaning, to decide what to do next.
A nudge on my arm brought me back, the blinding fluorescent lights reminding me where I was. “There’s only beer,” Derek said, handing me a cup.
I reflexively stepped away, his breath already sour and stale from drinking. Betsy’s eyes met mine from across the room. A sly grin spread across her face as she readjusted her dress, hiding the lacy strap. And that’s when I knew: she had wanted me to see it.
“It was hers,” I muttered under my breath. “It was Betsy’s.”
I had long suspected the bra belonged to her, but I was beginning to discover the true power of denial. Uncovering the truth stirred something so deep within it was like excavating a corpse, that part of me I wanted to keep hidden even from myself.
Because the alternative was too shameful.
“Relax,” he said, crumpling his empty cup. “She’s here with someone else.”
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