by T L Gray
“Enlighten me,” I responded sarcastically trying not to be affected by the way the sunlight was framing his perfect features.
“You were sixteen years old and had come to your dad’s for the weekend. Not long after getting there, you found out that he was going to be gone all weekend, but still wanted you to stay and spend some quality time with your brother. He threatened to take away your car if you left. I went outside to sit on the pier because I was so angry at him that I worried I would say something if I didn’t leave the room. The sun was just starting to set, and you walked out to the lake, never noticing me sitting there. I could tell you were crying, and I was shocked because I hadn’t seen you cry since the night we met. Then, just when I was ready to go and try to comfort you, you started dancing. I couldn’t pull my eyes away. You were wearing a white sundress and the sun behind you displayed your silhouette as you moved with such grace and strength that it took my breath away. In that moment, gravity didn’t exist and you were as free as a bird. To this day, it’s still the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I broke up with my girlfriend the very next day because I knew I couldn’t be with her when I felt what I did for you.”
He smiled at me when he finished, his eyes showing total adoration. I felt his words linger in the air, chipping away at my defenses, threatening the resolve I was already struggling to maintain. I remembered that day as if it had been yesterday, but never knew he had seen me. My heart swelled and the feeling sent a surge of fear and anger through my body.
“What’s your worst?” I asked, trying to stop the way my hands were trembling.
“What do you mean?”
“Our best memories of a person are often destroyed by our worst ones. So what is it? I know you have plenty to choose from.” My voice was demanding as I looked expectantly at him.
“Why are you doing this? Why are you so intent on trying to make me hate you?” he asked, frustration seeping from his mouth.
“Because Grant, ever since my accident, you have somehow rewritten all the history between us and now have this idealized version of our relationship—which doesn’t actually exist, may I remind you. I wont let you make me out to be something I’m not just so you can bang the boss’s daughter.” He gasped at my words, but I didn’t relent. “What is your worst?”
“Besides right now?” he asked in a disgusted tone. I just raised my eyebrow and waited. “Ok fine, my worst was in July, the first time I saw you after we kissed.”
“Why was that your worst?” I pried, unwilling to let him downplay the memory.
He let out another heavy sigh, something he always did when frustrated with me. “Everything was happening with my dad, and I just needed some kind of comfort. I had been anticipating seeing you all day, and when you walked through the door, you looked at me like I was a stranger. I wanted to hold you so bad my arms were shaking, and you acted as if you didn’t even know me. That was my worst. Thanksgiving wasn’t exactly fun for me either.”
I watched as his face hardened, and I nodded, knowing I had made my point. “That feeling you’ve got right now in the pit of your stomach…remember it. That’s all I have to offer you, Grant…heartache and disappointment.”
Tension hung in the air between us like a blanket while the slight roar of the car engine was the only relief from the silence. Finally Grant spoke up, his tone back to the sweet honey sound that set my senses on fire. “I guess that’s the difference between me and you, Issy. I’d take a hundred of your worst moments if it meant I could have just one of your best. You forget, I’ve already seen the person you try to hide from everyone else, and she is all I want. And it hasn’t just been since your accident that I’ve felt this way…your accident just made me realize I may not have all the time in the world to act on it.”
I wondered if it was possible to love and hate someone in equal measure, because that was exactly how I felt after Grant’s words penetrated the thick walls around my heart.
9. WHAT A MESS
I leapt out of the car as soon as we got to my apartment, ready to be free of the heaviness still hanging in the air.
“I’m going to run this paperwork by Steve’s house. Will thirty minutes be enough time?” Grant asked through the open window.
I just nodded and turned to run up the stairs. I couldn’t wait to get home even if it was just for a few minutes. I put my key in the lock, but it didn’t work. I tried one more time before the door suddenly swung open and Parker stood there with a tense look on his face. He immediately relaxed into a smile once he realized it was me.
“Expecting someone else?” I asked with an arched eyebrow.
Parker simply moved out of my way so I could come into the apartment. “Not really. Avery said you were coming by and asked me to meet you here. She had to work this afternoon and was running a little late.”
I looked down at the useless key still sitting in my hand and took a defensive stance. “Do you want to tell me why my key doesn’t work?” I didn’t like feeling like a stranger in my own apartment at all and tried to keep my irritation in check. I knew Grant had set me on edge, and Parker didn’t need me flying off the handle on him.
Parker walked over to the bar and picked up another set of keys. His whole body was rigid, and I realized for the first time that Parker was tenser than I’d ever seen him. “Before I give these to you, I need to know you are not going to give one of them to Jake.”
I eyed him defiantly. He obviously hadn’t been informed that I don’t like being told what to do, a feeling that was unquestionably magnified after two weeks with my father. I watched his face soften a little, and he reached out to hand me the keys. “Issy, I know you and Jake are extremely close, and you would do anything for him. I actually really respect that. But, I’m asking, for Avery’s sake and for mine, that you not give him a set of keys while you aren’t living here.” I watched as he ran his hand over his stiff neck and let out a sigh. “I won’t be able to sleep at night knowing he can come in here whenever he wants to, whether invited or not.”
I took the keys out of his hand and shot him a smile that I hoped would relieve a little of the tension in the room. “Wow Parker, I never pegged you for the possessive type,” I accused playfully.
He just shook his head. “I wish that were it. Jake’s been…in a word…relentless.”
I waited for details, but they never came so I just sighed and headed to my room, leaving Parker to wonder what I was going to do. After I felt he had suffered enough, I came back out of my room and leaned against the doorframe with my arms folded. “Ok, I won’t give him the keys. But, I’ll be back in the fall, and I will give him a set then.”
“Thanks Issy, I appreciate it,” he said looking visibly relieved. “Avery just texted that she is on her way. Do you mind if I stick around and wait for her?”
“Suit yourself,” I called out before storming through my room, packing all my favorite outfits and any bottles of liquor that weren’t empty. But as much as I searched, I could not find the one thing I was specifically looking for. At Christmas, Avery had given me a small silver flask with my name on it. It was one of my most favorite possessions, and I wasn’t leaving here without it.
Finally after tearing apart the room, I found it under my bed, still filled with some very fermented liquid. I rushed to the kitchen sink and cleaned it out before it made me sick. Then I closed it up with soapy water still in there, hoping to kill whatever had been growing in the small bottle. Parker was watching SportsCenter on the couch and the nostalgia almost brought tears to my eyes. Jake had been doing the same thing for years, and now everything was different.
Before I had time for a pity party, Avery came tearing through the door, out of breath. “Did I miss her?” she asked frantically to Parker.
“I’m in here,” I called, leaning over the bar.
She rushed to me and practically knocked me over with her hug. “I’m so happy to see you!” she cried with tears in her eyes. Stepping back, Avery looked me over with a smile. �
�You look so good; all your color is back. Goodness Issy, last time I saw you…” she had to stop herself as tears started to roll down her cheeks. I couldn’t help but chuckle. Avery was the worst at hiding any type of emotion, but I sort of loved that about her.
She noticed the flask in my hand and scowled. “I hate that thing. I should have thrown it in the trash with the rest of your bedding.”
“No way! I love my flask.”
“That flask almost killed you, Issy.” Then she looked up at me with a horrified expression. “Please tell me you’ve quit drinking.”
“Let’s go talk,” I offered, my eyes motioning to Parker. She seemed to understand my need for privacy and followed me to my room. After I shut my door, Avery looked nervous. She sat on my bare mattress and was fidgeting with her hands before looking up at me.
“I don’t think I can ever be in this room without thinking of that night,” she admitted quietly. “I’ve never been more afraid in my entire life.”
“Well as you can see, I’m fine. I’ve been drinking for years, Avery, without any problems. I just over did it one night.”
She looked at me incredulously and shook her head. “I know I can’t tell you what to do, but can you promise me to at least try and cut back?”
“You know I don’t make promises, I don’t intend to keep,” I answered honestly. Avery just nodded, and I felt a twinge of guilt. “Ok, enough about me. Tell me what’s going on with Jake.” I put the precious container in my purse and then set the rest of my bags by the door before turning back to her.
She looked up at me with her eyes wide. “He’s out of control, Issy. When I left his apartment on Monday, I thought that was it. He was angry, but he walked away. But then that night, it was like he was watching me, because the minute Parker left, he came storming in the apartment demanding to talk to me. He said he refused to let me go and that I was confused.”
I watched as she relived the scene in her head and saw her shiver as she quit talking. “What did he do, Avery?”
She shook her head and fidgeted some more. “He just got rough, but I know he wasn’t in the right frame of mind. He was so drunk, Issy. I’ve never seen him like that. I don’t even know how he got up the stairs. I finally just conceded and held him until he passed out. Then I left and went to Parker’s.”
I glanced nervously at the door. “You didn’t tell him, did you?”
“Of course I did. We don’t keep secrets anymore. I learned my lesson the hard way on that one.”
I immediately understood why Parker was so tense when I walked in the door. “Did Parker confront him?”
“No, but only because I begged him not to. Call me crazy, but I actually think that’s what Jake wants, someone to turn all of his fury toward.” She shivered again. “No, Jake and Parker need to stay far away from one another. But, that’s kind of why I called you. I didn’t come back home until this morning when the locksmith met me here to change the locks. Jake was gone, but…he sort of trashed the place, especially my room. He tried to call me several times, but I haven’t picked up. I’m sorry, I just cant be the one he turns to anymore. It’s not healthy for either of us.”
I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. This was so much worse than I imagined. Jake had done the same thing when Aunt Kathy died. My mom and I just watched in horror as he ripped apart his bedroom in a fit of rage before completely collapsing in tears. Fear gripped my stomach again as I realized he was all alone. I had to get to him. “Don’t apologize, Avery. You were absolutely right to call me. I’m just sorry about your room.”
She shrugged and then stood up from the bed. “It’s fine. He really only ruined one thing. Odd thing is, he destroyed his favorite picture in the room…the bridge.”
A knock on my door stopped the conversation as I heard Grant ask if I was ready to go. I pulled open the door and pointed to my bags.
“Hey Avery,” Grant said cheerfully as he grabbed the two duffels. “It’s nice to see you again.”
“You too,” she replied skeptically and then turned to me after he left. “What’s Grant doing with you? I thought you hated him.”
“I do,” I retorted with a shrug.
She slanted her eyes at me and then smiled. “You’re totally lying. You like him, don’t you?”
I was shocked she could read me that easily and immediately voided my eyes. “Need I remind you of a certain brown haired boy from the third floor? Don’t go there.”
She lifted her arms in surrender and walked into the living room. Avery had been the one to push me on Danny despite my warnings. She got to see first hand that I wasn’t kidding when I told her I didn’t do relationships.
I glanced around my room one more time before leaving. The emptiness made me sad and regretful. For the first time since New Year’s, I wished I had done things differently. It seemed unfair that one stupid moment could rob me of so much. I pushed the thought out of my head and pulled myself together. I was here tonight, and right now being with Jake was all that mattered.
Grant was still at the door talking to Avery and Parker as I locked my room back up. I joined the group and gave them both one last hug before leaving. “I’m glad you’re happy,” I said to Avery as I released her, and I really was. She looked more at peace than I had ever seen her.
“I am, and I want to tell you all about it sometime.” She hesitated and then looked determined. “I want to tell you about what Christ did for me, ok?”
I rolled my eyes, but said, “Ok.” I guess Parker had finally gotten to her too. She hugged me one more time before I bolted down the stairs, attempting to hide how sad I was to leave.
Grant was already loading my bags in the car when I joined him and he shot me a disapproving look when he heard the bottles clang in one of the bags. “Did five days in the hospital not teach you anything?” he lectured as he shut the trunk.
“Save it, Grant. You’re my ride, not my conscience. Now let’s go!” He slammed the door and started the car, still sporting his “unhappy” face. I turned to examine him and asked, “Seriously, do you ever just have fun? I mean really, really let loose?”
“Issy, not every one needs to drink to have fun.”
I nodded, feeling a challenge coming on and knowing I had my flask nicely secured in my purse. “Ok then, you are going to come out with Jake and I tonight, and I want you to show me that you can have fun…without alcohol.”
“You’re inviting me out with you?”
“Only if you aren’t going to be the stiff old guy in the bar, and you change out of those ridiculous khaki’s,” I challenged, eyeing his perfect form.
A slow, seductive smile crept across his face. “You’re on.”
I sat back and grinned, my mind scolding me a little for wanting to spend time with him. It was just too big an opportunity to miss. We were away from my father, free of the roles we had played for years, and I couldn’t help it. I wanted to see what Grant looked like in my world.
We pulled up to Jake’s, and I felt my stomach turn. Now that I was here, I kind of wanted to run away. I plastered on my most easy going smile and grabbed my bag. “Varsity Club, ten o’clock,” I reminded him playfully.
He just grabbed my hand and looked right through me. “You ok? I can come with you if you want.”
I scowled back at him. “Stop doing that. I don’t need you to protect me.”
He pulled his hand back sadly and watched as I walked up to Jake’s door. He didn’t drive away until I was safely inside and had shut the door.
“Go away!” I heard Jake call from his bed in a drunken stupor. I felt relief flood though me. I could handle drunken Jake.
“Well, I would, but I keep getting complaints of the stench coming from your apartment. It smells much like a pathetic idiot who had the misfortune of falling in love.” I jumped out of the way as Jake’s shoe came flying over the rail and almost caught my leg. The soles of my shoes were crunching broken glass as I walked around the small space, observing the mes
s. I leaned down and found two frames that were irreparable. One held a black-and-white picture of a zip line and black glove. I carefully removed it from the glass and turned it around.
For when you need to remember her.
Avery
I set it down carefully, understanding why Jake had thrown it across the room. The other frame held a close up picture of Avery that was breathtaking. Jake must have taken it when she wasn’t aware because the photo was a shot of her looking at something in the distance with a soft smile. Her wavy hair looked like spun gold being blown away from her face and her silvery blue eyes were sparkling. She looked genuinely happy. I let out a heavy sigh.
“Hey Jake, since you obviously don’t want these pictures anymore, I’m going to toss them with the glass, ok?” I yelled up to him.
“Issy,” Jake warned, not moving.
I pulled out the broom and started sweeping. “If you want them, you’re going to need to come and get them. Otherwise, they’re going in the trash.”
I heard Jake’s bed creak and then him take the stairs two at a time before pulling the pictures violently out of my hands. I watched as he very carefully set them in-between the pages of a book so they wouldn’t get damaged in any way.
“You look terrible,” I announced walking up to him. “And you don’t smell all that great either.”
Jake looked at me with disgust and then turned away to head back up to his bed, grabbing a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels on his way up. “What are you doing here anyway? I thought you had a one-way ticket to soberland. As you can see,” he continued, showing me the bottle. “We are doing just fine.”
“Jake, I have no problem with you drinking, but at least if you are going to do it, have some fun with it. Don’t just hole yourself up in sweaty sheets and pout. Let’s go out. I’m only here for one night.”
I heard the bottle hit the floor as Jake fell back on his bed. “Of course you are, because everyone always leaves. My dad, my mom, you, Avery. Liars. That’s what all of you are. She said she would always be there for me. Told me she loved me. Instead, she changed her locks. Can you believe that?” He was laughing at this point—a scary kind of laugh that usually came right before a breakdown. Then there was silence. I walked upstairs, and he was asleep, sprawled facedown on his bed. I took the bottle out of his hand and threw some covers over him. I’d let him sleep it off for a few hours before waking him up.