by T L Gray
He led me to the front door, keeping his arm firmly locked around my shoulder. He was a lot stronger than I had ever realized. Before getting in the back of his car, he pulled me in again for a long intense kiss, which I once again did not respond to. Robbie was living in his own world this morning, and I was a fixture trapped inside of it. I could feel my heart racing as the car drove away. I just had to get through this class and get home. Then I would make it clear to my father that merger or not, I was never seeing Robbie Marsh again.
Robbie continued to kiss my neck and rub my leg the entire drive despite my protests. It was as if he wasn’t hearing anything I had to say.
“Robbie, seriously, you need to stop,” I urged pushing him off of me again.
“I’m sorry. You just look so gorgeous in that outfit and smell so amazing this morning,” he explained moving back but still not taking his hand off me.
I was wearing the perfume that was in the bathroom and made a mental note that I would never buy a similar fragrance. The last thing I wanted was to be more attractive to Robbie. “Yeah, about the outfit. I’ll have it cleaned and will get it back to you.”
“Nonsense,” he said, dismissing my words. “It belongs to you now.”
I started to protest, but realized it would do no good, so I just held my tongue and looked out the window until I saw the campus approach. It was the first time I actually felt relieved to be at school.
The driver stopped and then got out to open our door. Robbie went first and then offered his hand to help me out. I took it, but immediately regretted doing so, because he pulled me into a crushing embrace the minute I was out of the car and kissed me in front of a mass of people. I stared at him in shock when he released me, but he only smiled and began walking us towards our class, my hand still held captive by his. I tried to pull it away, but his grip tightened, almost cutting off my circulation.
Fury consumed me, and I stopped in my tracks, refusing to go any further. Robbie leaned into me with a fake smile plastered on his face. “What are you doing?” he whispered.
I stared him fully in the eye, my green eyes penetrating his so there was no confusion. “If you don’t stop touching me, I will forget everything my father has taught me about social etiquette.” It was not an idle threat as I was two seconds away from screaming at the top of my lungs.
Robbie let go of my hand and smirked. “My you are testy in the mornings. I’ll have to remember that.”
My hand itched to slap his face, but I kept it locked beside me as I stormed towards class not caring that I had left him standing there. I was already seated when he joined the group, his charm and charisma garnering admiring glances from the ladies around us. He sat next to me and wrapped his arm around the back of my chair, careful not to touch me in the process. To anyone else, it looked natural and intimate, but to me, it was a clear gesture of possessiveness. He wanted everyone in class to know we were together, and I just wanted to scream that we weren’t.
I didn’t say a word this time in the group, only nodded in agreement to whatever they wanted to do. It felt as if time was moving backwards, leaving me stuck in there for what seemed like hours. We finished our classroom assignment and waited as the professor gave final instructions before releasing us. I stood quickly and grabbed my purse. Maybe Jason or Candace was on campus and could give me a ride home. I wasn’t getting back in that car with Robbie.
I was just starting to text them when I felt Robbie behind me, once again closer than necessary. “Put that away. I’ll take you home.” It was not a request.
“No thanks. I’ll find my own way,” I snapped, moving away from him again.
I felt my arm being grasped and then I was spun around to face him. He took the phone out of my hand and leaned into me again. “I’ll take you home. Your father entrusted you with me, and I’m not handing you off to someone else,” he demanded sternly.
“Fine,” I said through gritted teeth.
He handed back my phone, which I quickly put out of sight in my purse, and gestured toward the car. I walked ahead of him and climbed in as the driver held it open. Robbie was right behind me and looked as angry as I felt. The tension was palpable and seemed to grow thicker as we drove.
Then, as if he flipped a switch, Robbie’s face relaxed into a smile. “I guess I’ll have to get used to that fiery temper of yours,” he conceded with a chuckle.
It was official. This guy was delusional. “Robbie, this is the last time we will be hanging out, so you don’t have to worry about getting used to anything,” I replied sharply.
“We’ll see how you feel after you calm down,” he said dismissively. “Things always look differently after a little sleep, and I’m sure you’re exhausted after last night.”
I didn’t argue. I didn’t want to think about last night. I just wanted out of this car and out of these clothes, which I strongly considered burning as soon as I got home.
The sight of my house almost brought tears of joy knowing that I would soon be free of the metal prison I was sitting in. The driver parked the car and I opened the door before he could get out of his seat. I was almost free when I felt my hand being tugged and Robbie’s moist lips on my fingers again.
“Get some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said smoothly.
I jerked my hand away and took off in a sprint up the stairs to my house. I slammed the door just for good measure and put my back to it, feeling adrenaline surge through my entire body. My chest was heaving up and down as my palms ran over the detailing in the wood door. I could feel myself getting out of control; the fear, anger and regret pouring through me in waves.
I didn’t look up until I heard footsteps and saw Grant stepping out of my father’s office. He stared at me for a long time, standing there frozen to the door, and just shook his head before walking away towards his room. The emotion I had just started to get under control came rushing back as I watched him retreat, and I felt my body catapult forward after him.
“Hey, don’t you judge me and walk away,” I screamed, taking out all my fury on him. “So you’re done with me, huh? Fine, I never asked you for anything to begin with.”
I had followed him into his room where he was throwing some clothes in a duffle bag. My breath caught as I looked around. It was completely bare, except for a small bible on his nightstand. His posters, personal affects, everything else had disappeared. “What happened to all your stuff?” I asked suddenly, forgetting we were in the middle of an argument.
He didn’t turn to me or react in any way. Just calmly explained, “Issy, I’ve had my own apartment for over a year now. I just stay here when I have to.”
I couldn’t believe it. I had been so focused on my life since coming here, I failed to even notice that Grant had moved out. The thought hit me harder than I cared to admit. I wanted him here. He was my rock, my one source of stability in a world that felt completely chaotic.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked, still in shock over knowing he had his own life outside of this house.
Grant finally turned to me, his eyes cold and hard. He only looked at me like that when I hurt him, but for some reason, it held no satisfaction today. “Frankly, Issy, it’s none of your business where I live. Although, I’m sure you’ve got a case of whiplash from the leap you took from ‘the help’ to a billionaire’s son. I bet your daddy is licking his chops,” he spit out, sarcasm dripping from his lips. He looked me up and down in disgust and turned away. “You’re even starting to look like one of them.”
Anxiety took over my stomach again as I thought of waking up with nothing but a nightgown on. I hadn’t asked Robbie for details on exactly what “intimate” meant and the idea that his hands were on me last night made me want to burn off all of my flesh. I pushed it out of my mind, choosing to focus on Grant instead. I didn’t want him mad at me, and I certainly didn’t want him leaving. “Grant, please don’t be like this,” I pleaded walking over to him and putting my hand on his arm.
He tensed under me and turned to look at me again. His eyes still cold. “You promised,” was all he said before he resumed shoving clothes in his bag.
“Promised what? Why are you so mad at me?”
He spun around in shock and stared at me, my face showing all the confusion that I felt inside. “After motorcycle guy, you promised me you wouldn’t do that to me again. Leave me with images of you and someone else together all night long. Then I get a phone call from lover boy who treats me like some insignificant idiot, while he tells me that you and him are going to make a night of it. It’s like you dream up new ways each day to rip my heart out. I can’t do it anymore.”
“So you’re mad at me because Robbie made you feel insignificant?”
“No, I’m mad at you because you did!” he yelled, his eyes betraying all he was feeling.
He wasn’t insignificant. In fact, he was the most significant person in my life right now. I had to make him see that. “Grant, I didn’t want to be there. I drank too much and blacked out. I woke up in some strange room with a strange nightgown on. My purse and clothes were gone, and my father was nowhere to be found. I don’t want Robbie Marsh! Everything about him makes me sick.” My voice was shaking and I knew I had tears in my eyes. I tried to pull them back, but I couldn’t. There was too much emotion surging through me.
Grant looked like a statue as I spoke, taking in all I just threw at him. “What do you mean you blacked out?” he finally asked.
“We were drinking tequila and messing around with some archery stuff while my father finished his business dinner. That is the last thing I remember until this morning.”
I watched as Grant ran his hands through his hair, anger starting to turn into concern. “Is this the first time you’ve blacked out?”
“No, I did that night with Jason too, but it wasn’t as drastic,” I answered honestly feeling somewhat relieved to tell someone about it.
Grant turned to me, his face unreadable. “Do you have any idea how dangerous that is, Issy. You’ve blacked out twice in less than a week, both times with men who you’ve only known for a few weeks. They could do anything to you and you wouldn’t even know it.”
“They didn’t. I asked both of them and they didn’t,” I explained, my voice still shaking with fear.
“So they say,” he yelled exasperated. “You really don’t know. Guys like Robbie Marsh are used to getting whatever they want. How does this not terrify you?”
“It does, but I went there with my father, Grant. I never imagined he’d just leave me,” I screamed, tears spilling over now. I turned to flee, but I felt Grant’s arms around me, holding me tightly from behind.
“You have to stop drinking, Issy. It’s out of control, and one of these days, your luck is going to run out and you are either going to kill yourself or find yourself in a position with devastating results.” His voice was honey sweet again, the harshness gone and I turned into him, holding on for dear life. He caressed my hair and told me it would be ok. I wanted to believe him, wanted so badly to finally let myself go. But then he said it, and everything came into focus once again.
“Baby, I love you too much to watch you destroy yourself.”
I’m not even sure he knew he said it out loud, but it didn’t matter. He said it. I stiffened under him and pulled away, my mind and body fully back in control. “I need a shower,” I said, excusing myself.
Grant’s face grew stern again. “Why does my loving you scare you so much, Issy? Stop running from me. I’m not going to disappoint you. Don’t you see that you can count on me?”
“Love is for the weak, Grant, and I am not weak. I’m not a broken girl that needs to be fixed or a project that you can take to church to make better,” I replied bitterly.
“That’s where you’re wrong, Issy. Loving and being vulnerable is hard. It takes courage to feel, courage to hurt. This shell you’ve created to keep everyone out—that’s weakness, Issy.”
“I am who I am, and if you don’t like it, then go away.” Despite my anger, I felt my heart constrict with each word I spoke.
Grant just shook his head and resumed packing before dismissing me with his hand. “Whatever, Issy, I’ve been in love with a ghost for years now. What’s one more disappearing act?”
I turned to leave before my heart took over and pulled me back to him.
“Issy,” I heard over my shoulder. I didn’t turn around. “I won’t wait for you forever.”
I didn’t acknowledge him, just took off running up the stairs.
18. THE NEW JAKE
The morning didn’t offer me any relief from my agony. My father had left for New York, so I still hadn’t been able to confront him about leaving me at Robbie’s. Worse, I was having a terrible reaction to my blackout this time. I woke up in a sweat at least three times last night after dreaming of Robbie taking advantage of me. In every dream, I was trapped in some room, unable to move or escape. I would call for help from my father, but he would just smile and walk away, leaving me alone and vulnerable to whatever Robbie wanted to do. Just as he would begin touching me, I would wake up shaking and terrified.
I finally gave up on sleep and got ready for school. I didn’t have to be at breakfast this morning, but even that fact didn’t ease the tension I felt all around me. I went to the armoire and found my stash. I had promised myself I would cut back on the drinking after yesterday, but this morning was not the time to start my new resolve. My hands were shaking uncontrollably and my heart wouldn’t stop racing as I took the first drink. The burn immediately made me feel better, but it took two more before the shaking stopped.
I looked in the mirror and still saw the stripped, controlled version of myself that Robbie loved and immediately hated my reflection. I tore through my closet until I found the wildest punk outfit I owned and put it on. The gray, faded jeans were torn to shreds at the kneecaps and my long-sleeved Wild Cats t-shirt was also torn up at the torso, but I wore a strawberry red tank top underneath it. I put the same color red streaks in my hair to where the black was only visible underneath. The final touch was to add my nose ring and multiple chains and bracelets. It was the first time I had seen the true Issy in days and immediately felt a surge of confidence and adrenaline. This was my life, and I wasn’t going to let anyone tell me how to live it anymore. I was not and would never be my mother, and if my father or Robbie Marsh thought they’d turn me into her, they were sadly mistaken.
I took one more drink of my liquid courage and bounced down the stairs. My father’s office door was open and I detoured to peak in. Grant was sitting at his desk working on the computer when I came in and jumped on the chair in front of the desk.
“Hey! Whatcha doing?” I asked playfully, feeling more and more like myself.
Grant glanced up at me for a second and then back down at the computer. He looked tense and irritated, and I couldn’t tell if he was happy to see me or not. “I’m once again stuck here to babysit you, Issy, while your dad is off doing the final negotiations on the merger. Since you’ve gotten home, I’ve been left out of every meeting and have had limited view of the contracts. Somehow my college degree and years of experience has earned me ‘nanny’ status.” His voice was as cold as his posture, and I quickly realized that he was still mad at me.
“That’s not my fault, Grant. Maybe my dad is threatened that you are getting too good and may want to do something else. He’s tricky like that, you know,” I offered, still trying to keep the mood light.
Grant looked back up at me and his eyes held no affection. “Of course it’s your dad’s fault, because it couldn’t be yours, right Issy?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I yelled standing up.
“How much have you had to drink today? I mean it’s nine in the morning, surely you’ve touched your flask by now.” I stared at him with my mouth ajar, but he didn’t relent. “Your dad is terrified you are going to kill yourself, and based on that outfit, I’m sure you are already well on your way today. So
yes, Issy, I’m left here, hopelessly in charge of making sure you survive until your dad returns tomorrow night.”
I couldn’t move or speak, just felt the rage turn inside me with such intensity that I truly felt steam coming out of my ears. This was the same guy who had just judged me for looking like one of them yesterday.
“Thanks for not disappointing me,” I hissed through gritted teeth and tore out of the office. Grant was siding with my father now, too. Was there anyone left who was on my side?
I got my answer really quickly when Jason didn’t show for class, and Reggie opted to take a seat on a different row. Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, Kari was upset at me also because I forgot to show for our study session yesterday. I had completely forgotten. I tried to apologize, and she accepted, but couldn’t seem to fit another meeting in her schedule.
In the interest of self-preservation, I didn’t even go to lunch for fear that the cold shoulder would be unbearable with Rusty and Reggie at the same table. By the time I got into Shakespeare, my nerves were so tense that the “fight or flight” feeling was consuming me.
When Jason walked into class and settled behind me, I almost hugged him. “Hey,” I said, turning around to face him. “You weren’t in class today.”
He glanced up at me, his eyes full of hurt and anger that seemed misplaced if they were meant for me. I thought we were good.
“You made the headlines again,” he said flatly as he handed me this morning’s society section. My hands were shaking when I took it, not wanting to see anything that would have him this upset.
It was another picture of me and Robbie, only this time, we were locked in a kiss that looked far more passionate that anything I’d ever felt with him. They must have gotten it yesterday when he trapped me after getting out of his car.
The headline read: ITS GETTING SERIOUS. The caption below was even more exaggerated.
“Robbie Marsh and Kaitlyn ‘Isadora’ Summers are now sharing rides to school, and some sources even say they’ve been sharing overnight accommodations. Neither side would give an official comment, but Mr. Marsh’s public relations rep did confirm that Robbie was happier than she’d ever seen him. Will a ‘Save the Date’ announcement be coming soon? I think so…”