He’d been stupid not to realise what all this really meant to Lily. He hadn’t got it until he’d wrenched it all away from her. She’d been trying, the whole time she’d been here, to provide for herself the stability that had always been missing from her life. A job that wouldn’t be taken away from her when she became unpopular. A home that wouldn’t be seized by the courts. Stable friendships. A love that would endure. Him.
His hands gripped his steering wheel so hard his knuckles were white. She’d fought for him. God, how she’d fought for him. She’d dragged him, kicking and screaming to the mirror of truth. She’d stood by him when it had revealed its painful lesson. She’d helped him accept and move on. It was Lily’s strength and grace that had given him back his life. He’d shown his thanks by destroying hers.
What was he supposed to do now? He wanted to fix this mess he’d created, but he didn’t have a clue how to go about it. Wasn’t sure it was possible to fix things. She’d made it clear she had no interest in him even trying, or having anything to do with her life.
Who could blame her?
He knew where he was heading. The other times he’d been there, to his tree, it’d taken him by surprise, but not this time. And he knew why. In this clusterfuck that was his life, he was ready—more than ready—for some answers, and he had a feeling that his time to get them was almost up.
He pulled up, and his feet came down heavily on the ground. Crouching, he evaluated the traces of black paint. Barely anything left. Just a few flecks stubbornly hanging in there.
Did that mean he still had a chance?
There was something he wasn’t getting. Something to do with this road. His mind tried to grasp at it, got slivers and hints, but he could never see the whole picture, never hold it in his head for long enough. This might be his last chance.
Leaning in, he laid his palm and his forehead against the trunk. Tried again to live that moment. To get what he was supposed to learn.
He’d been heading for this tree, foot jammed on the brake, steering wheel wrenched as far round as he could get it, and all he could do was wait. In his mind, or in his heart, or in his soul, or wherever the hell it was he’d been at that moment, there’d been his dad, his mum and Lily.
At this point, when the fear started to grip, was when he usually gave up. But not this time. This time, he was going all the way.
And the moment he did, the moment he let go, the fear disappeared and all he felt was love. So much of it there was no room for anything else.
How could it be that in that moment, when he was either going to live or die and there was nothing he could do about it, when he’d had absolutely no control, he’d felt so free?
That was the way Lily lived. She gave everything; fearlessly, time and time again. Threw caution to the wind—trusted, hoped and prayed, because that’s how she loved.
Maybe it was time for him to prove that’s how he loved too. It might be too late for them, but he was not going to stand by and watch her lose everything. Not while he had breath in him.
How much could he raise if he liquidated everything? He could get his business partners to buy him out, that’d include his share of the Mirabook land and his share of the value of his house. He could cash in his share portfolio, draw down his savings. Sell his ute. Jeez, if Lily and he had a thing, it was cars. Crashing them, selling them …
What would it raise, if he did all that? A substantial amount, but not enough. He’d need to double his money, and he had less than a week to do it. He’d have to throw caution to the wind, and trust, hope and pray.
***
Lily pushed through the doors to the Lemon Tree. Her heart caught in her throat as the bells rang above her and smiling faces swung to greet her. She was going to miss this place almost as much as Mirabook.
‘You’re back!’ Katie jumped up, ran towards her, and caught her in a hug.
Helen, Maureen and Louise were standing, more circumspect than Katie, but waiting for hugs of their own.
‘You look tired,’ Maureen commented as they took their positions around the table.
‘Tough week.’ And it had been that, but nothing compared to what was waiting for her back at home.
‘What were you doing exactly?’ Louise asked. ‘Josh couldn’t tell me much.’
Josh. Hurt. Her heart literally hurt. She put it to the side. This conversation was going to be hard enough without bringing him into it. ‘Dealing with some business left over from my father. It’s all sorted now.’
‘Good,’ said Maureen. ‘Because seeing as the auction ball was such a success …’ She paused to collect smug smiles from around the table. ‘We need your input on the colour scheme for the new hall.’
Lily added a smile of her own, but it felt more sad than smug. She wished it were that simple. She’d like nothing better than to sit here and discuss whether to go taupe or cream. ‘Listen, before you start, I have to say something.’ One-by-one, she looked at them. Her friends. How she was going to get through this? ‘Thank you so much for everything you’ve given me.’
Silence, then an explosion.
‘You don’t have to thank us.’
‘What nonsense …’
‘Lily, really …’
And then from Helen, ‘Something’s wrong. What’s happened?’
Silence fell again.
Lily stared at a spot on the table in front of her. The only way to get through this was to say the words. Just say them. ‘My mum borrowed heavily against Mirabook. I can’t pay it back. I’m going to have to sell.’
She wasn’t going to fight it. She’d had enough of courts for a lifetime—they were an expensive waste of time. She’d sell, pay back the loan, and use what was left to start again.
Shocked gasps. ‘You can’t lose Mirabook!’ from Katie and, ‘Oh dear!’ from Helen. Maureen was shaking her head, though whether this was from disbelief or disapproval Lily wasn’t sure.
‘What does Josh have to say about this?’ Louise asked.
‘Yeah, can’t Josh do something?’ Katie added immediately.
‘I’m sure he’ll find a solution,’ Maureen rounded out definitively.
How could she respond to that? They believed so totally in him, in his ability to solve any problem. Despite everything, she wouldn’t do or say anything to change that. ‘Josh is aware of the problem. There’s nothing he can do. It’s a lot of money and it’s already overdue,’ she offered neutrally.
‘But …,’ Maureen started, and then stopped. Even she was starting to look a little anxious. ‘That’s unfortunate,’ she concluded.
‘It totally sucks,’ agreed Katie.
Lily couldn’t argue with that brilliant synopsis.
‘So what are you going to do?’ Louise queried.
‘Yes,’ added Maureen, revived by the idea of taking action of some kind. ‘What are you going to do?’
‘Leave, I suppose.’ She didn’t want to, but she didn’t really have a choice. There was no way she and Josh could live in the same town. Since she couldn’t say that, she offered the other reason she had for leaving. ‘I don’t own Mirabook, and I can’t continue on with the venue idea without a venue.’ Even with her eyes glued to the table in front of her, she could guess at their aghast faces. There was nothing to do but plough on. ‘I was thinking Tasmania. There are lots of big old houses down there, relatively cheap. It wouldn’t be the same as Mirabook. It wouldn’t be the same as staying here …’ She trailed off when she heard her voice crack.
‘Leaving town seems extreme,’ said Helen.
‘And unnecessary,’ said Maureen.
‘Yeah, you can’t leave,’ said Katie.
‘There must be other options,’ Helen added.
A pause while they all sipped their drinks, considering. As tempted as Lily was to hope that they’d be able to pull something out of the bag and solve her problems, she quashed it. It wasn’t going to happen. Not this time. And she couldn’t bear one more heart break.
‘What does Josh have to say about you leaving?’ Louise asked.
Lily met her eyes briefly. There was something there. Some additional understanding of the problem. Did she know?
‘He wouldn’t just stand by and let you leave,’ Katie backed up.
What to say to that one? She was trying to keep Josh out of it. How could she avoid telling them that it was over? ‘Josh and I …’ What to say? What to say? ‘Josh and I are taking a break.’
Not quite true, but close enough. Katie looked shocked, which was understandable because hey, Lily hadn’t seen it coming either. Helen’s mouth drooped in sadness. Maureen was frowning, too astute not to wonder if there was any connection between losing Mirabook and breaking up with Josh, but she didn’t press. Only Louise didn’t seem surprised. But then, she’d never really expected them to last, had she? She’d been anticipating problems from day one.
How much had she known? Lily shot her a glance, and Louise met her eyes again. She had it right, Louise looked sad but not surprised.
‘Okay,’ Maureen said eventually. ‘Let’s back up a little here. No Mirabook, no Josh for the time being, but do you have to leave town?’
‘Of course she doesn’t,’ answered Helen.
‘Don’t go, Lily,’ Katie pleaded.
She didn’t want to, but honestly what were her options here? Then again, while Tasmania might have cheap old houses, it was terribly far away. ‘Maybe I’ll try to find somewhere in the region. So I can visit.’
‘Visit?’ Helen bit out with disapproval.
‘No,’ Maureen agreed. ‘That won’t do at all.’
‘I have an idea,’ said Katie brightly.
Lily registered the automatic brace position everyone adopted. In different circumstances, it’d make her smile.
‘Why don’t you use the new hall for weddings? Once it’s built, of course. At least until we work out some other options.’
The hall didn’t exist yet, and might not be in any way appropriate for the type of weddings she planned to do, but the idea had potential. And then another part of what Katie said hit home. Until we work out some other options. We. How could one little word mean so much?
‘That’s a good idea,’ said Maureen. ‘The club could use the extra revenue. In fact, you’d be doing us a favour by leasing it for a while.’
Oh Maureen. It wasn’t true, but Lily appreciated the sentiment.
‘So it’s just a question of finding somewhere to stay,’ Maureen continued. ‘I have a spare bedroom. You’re welcome to it for as long as you need.’
‘I have a spare bedroom too,’ Helen added quickly. ‘And I’m closer to the club.’
‘That hardly matters in a town the size of Yarrow,’ rebutted Maureen.
‘I have a bedroom too, you know. Maybe we can share Lily,’ Katie said ‘And when you’re ready for something permanent, there’s a lovely little cottage for sale on my street. We’d be neighbours!’ Katie’s excitement was a little forced, but it made Lily feel better anyway.
And not just that. They were fighting about who she was going to stay with.
It was the second time in the past few months that she’d lost everything, but it wasn’t the same. This time was totally different. She had friends who were fighting to keep her. Only Louise wasn’t offering, and the reason why was obvious.
She didn’t want a fresh start. It was crazy to think of giving this up. Josh was going to be a problem, but she’d work it out somehow because she was not leaving.
‘Okay,’ she said. ‘Looks like I’m staying.’
As Katie, Helen and Maureen started discussing a roster for her visits, Lily turned to Louise. Louise who’d always had her doubts, and as it’d turned out, with good reason. ‘You were right the first time around. We’re not good together.’
Louise looked taken aback, then leaned in close. ‘Lily dear, it’s not you. I need to talk to my son.’
Chapter 21
A knock on the door, and Josh’s first instinct was to ignore it. He’d barely moved from his computer in days, and he wasn’t done yet.
The knock didn’t go away.
Glancing down at the time, he tried to assess whether he could afford to answer it. He was fully up-to-date with all South American weather forecasts, and all he was doing at the moment was waiting for New York to open. Whoever was knocking could have five minutes.
Besides, it might be Lily.
Memories flooded his head. When she’d turned up on his front doorstep in a short floral skirt, wildflowers dangling from her hand. The next night, drenched and shivering, desperate to stop him saying they were over.
He’d do anything to have her on his doorstep again. There were a million and one things he wanted to say to her, a million and one things he should have said when he’d had the chance, and they all seemed to be racing through his head at the same time. Of course, that might have something to do with the amount of caffeine he had on board.
Coffee to help him win a fortune on … coffee. If his wild gamble paid off.
It wouldn’t be Lily. After what he’d done, she’d made it clear she would never talk to him again.
He opened the door to his mother. He’d known it wouldn’t be Lily, but disappointment crushed him anyway.
His mum looked peeved, but her expression quickly morphed into concern as she took in his pitiful state. ‘Joshua? Are you okay?’
‘Fine.’ He was braced against the doorframe, and he felt like the world’s worst son not inviting his mum in, but he didn’t have much time to spare. ‘But busy. There’s something I really have to get back to.’
‘Sweetheart, what’s going on?’
It’d been a long, long time since she’d called him sweetheart. He must really look like shit. ‘Nothing. I’m just in the middle of something.’
A high-risk strategy to double his money on coffee futures in the space of days. He’d been scouring markets, looking for any kind of opportunity he could jump on. Coffee was up because Brazil was in drought. The second he caught an inkling that rain might be headed their way, he’d jumped in, sunk a quarter of a million dollars in a bet that the drought was about to break, and coffee prices would tumble. He usually avoided trading coffee—too volatile for his liking, but this time, those crazy swings were his only chance to save Mirabook. He’d either make a fortune, or he’d lose everything.
‘You can spend five minutes talking to your mother,’ she chastised. ‘Inside, thank you.’
He ushered her in. ‘Five minutes,’ he warned. No more. He needed to get back in front of his screen.
She sat on his sofa, made herself comfortable, waited till he’d taken a seat also, and sent him one of the mild, dry looks he knew so well. ‘I came to rouse on you about whatever went wrong with Lily, but I don’t need to do that, do I? You’re already giving yourself a hard time.’
So his mum knew. His hand went to the back of his neck. ‘What did she say?’
‘Not much. That you were taking a break. Whatever that means.’
‘Might be a little more permanent than that.’
‘What did you do?’
He wasn’t offended that his mother assumed it was all his fault. It was. He’d fucked up, pure and simple. All that was left was to fix the damage, if fate was on his side. If not, he wouldn’t die wondering.
‘Does it have something to do with Mirabook?’
‘You know about the debt?’ he asked.
His mother nodded. ‘Lily told us about it yesterday.’
‘I’m the one who loaned Elisabeth the money. That’s where Lily’s debt came from.’ Full disclosure time. ‘That’s not the end of it. I also didn’t tell her about it. She didn’t know anything until she got back from Sydney.’
His mother’s lips turned down in disapproval. Nothing he didn’t feel himself.
‘I’m trying to get the money together so Lily can keep Mirabook.’ Not exactly the truth, more like he was trying to make some appear out of thin air, but no need to worry
his mum with that. This gamble of his would either work or it wouldn’t, and he could tell her the outcome when it was done.
‘Good. And then this break, or whatever it is, will be over?’
He let out a deep, ragged breath. ‘I seriously doubt she’ll take me back.’ Unable to stay seated, he rose and walked over to the full-length windows. ‘I might go north. Jackaroo for a year.’
He couldn’t stay. He wouldn’t ruin it for Lily by sticking around, if she was staying. And if not … He’d need time and space anyway. He’d go bush, spend his days riding horses and his nights under the stars. Try to get over her once and for all.
‘I hope you’re joking,’ she exclaimed from behind him.
He wasn’t, which she quickly realised.
‘You can’t be serious. You’re not really thinking of going? What about Lily?’
He turned back to face her. ‘It’s too late for Lily and me.’ He frowned. ‘Besides, I thought you didn’t approve of us.’
‘I didn’t. Before I knew her. And before I’d seen what she’s done for you.’ His mum picked some invisible lint off her skirt. ‘You visited your father. I know she’s responsible.’
He wasn’t about to argue about how much Lily had done for him. She’d arrived back in town and she’d changed his life. If it hadn’t been for her, he would have been an angry, bitter man until the day he died. He was so crazy in love with her he wanted to spend his life thanking her for everything she’d done, but it wasn’t up to him. He’d fucked things up. Well and truly. ‘It’s too late.’
‘So you said before. I’m afraid I don’t believe you.’
He grimaced. ‘I wish it wasn’t true, Mum, but it is.’ He stood, hoping to prompt her to leave. ‘I hate to be rude, but I’ve got to get back to work,’ he added, when she didn’t stir.
‘Sit back down.’
He stared at his mother. She stared right back. There were some battles you just weren’t destined to win. He sat.
‘Your father always thought you were the lucky one, having someone who followed you around like that, but I always thought it was other way around. Lily was lucky to have you. You always took such exquisite care of her. Do you really think there is anyone in the world who could love her more than you do?’
No Place Like You Page 26