Without thinking, I slid my hand inside Jeff’s shirt and ran my fingers down his muscled chest. Jeff groaned and moved closer to me. While we kissed passionately, I slowly unbuttoned his shirt and finally pushed it away from his shoulders, exposing his powerful physique.
Jeff slid his hand inside my sweater and I felt him rub my bra. A wave of disappointment swept over me as he started to squeeze the bra cups, but I couldn’t feel anything. I wanted so much to feel his embrace. I dropped my hand to Jeff’s crotch and couldn’t believe what I felt. The realization flickered across my mind that I was doing this to Jeff. This was for me.
I kissed Jeff harder and more passionately as I struggled to unzip his pants. Finally they came open and I slid my hand inside, and I rubbed him through his underwear. Jeff groaned again and put his hand on mine, pushing my hand harder against the bulge in his underwear.
Suddenly, I pulled his underwear down and out sprang Jeff’s manhood in all its glory. I marveled at its size and hardness. Jeff groaned loudly as I wrapped my hand around it. Fleeting images of Ed and me, years ago, flashed through my mind. I remembered the regret and shame. And at that moment, I knew just how much I truly loved Jeff. I wanted him so bad. I kissed him passionately and surrendered totally to him.
I kissed down his chest, and finally showed him just how much I truly loved him.
* * *
Chapter 4
“What do you mean by coming home at three a.m., young… young…” Dad struggled over the right word, “young lady!? I was expecting you back around twelve thirty or one o’clock at the latest since it’s New Years. Bu… but… but three o’clock in the morning?!” I hadn’t seen Dad blow a gasket this bad since Diane was in high school.
I just sat there, twiddling my fingers and staring at my feet.
Mom, sounding more stern with a tone in her voice that she almost never used toward me said, “Answer your father!”
My throat started to tighten and tears began to well up. Why did everything have to always turn out bad? Very softly, I said toward the floor, “We were just out having fun. I…”
“I can’t hear you! Look at me when you talk to me!” thundered Dad. His eyes were twitching like crazy, his face was flushed and I half expected to see steam coming out of his ears.
I suddenly stood up, tears bursting from my eyes as I screamed, “It’s none of your business what we were doing! Good God! Am I not allowed to have some fun?!” I was suddenly so angry I was trembling.
“Don’t talk to me in that tone, young lady!” Dad yelled back. “Why were you out so late? Why didn’t you call to let us know where you were? What were you two doing, anyway?”
“Nothing! We were just having fun, dammit!” I screamed.
Whack! My face stung and my eyeballs rattled. Suddenly, Mom’s face was in front of me, her voice ringing in my ears, “Don’t you ever swear at your father! How dare you!”
“I told you to come home soon after midnight. Where were you? I hope you weren’t doing what I think you were doing. Is that what you were doing?” Veins were popping out of Dad’s forehead. “I think maybe you’ve been seeing too much of Jeff. Maybe you shouldn’t see him anymore.”
“I’m almost eighteen! You can’t tell me what to do!” I yelled, tears streaming down my face. “If I want to stay out until six in the morning with Jeff, I’ll fucking do it!”
Mom stood there shocked with her mouth hanging open. Dad, jabbing a finger at me, screamed, “As long as you live under my roof, you’ll do what I say! You’re grounded for a month, young lady! Go to your room! Get out of my sight! NOW!”
From the hallway, where she’d been watching the spectacle, Diane asked, “Just one month? Hell, I’d have gotten at least two.”
“Diane, you stay out of this!” admonished Mom. “You go to your room too.”
I ran from the room, crying. I slammed my bedroom door and flung myself onto the bed, burying my face in the pillow. “Why can’t I do anything right?” I sobbed to myself.
I heard the door crack open and saw Diane peek in, “Mind if I come in for a minute?”
Catching my breath from crying, “Go away!”
Diane opened the door and came in anyway and sat next to me on the bed and stroked my hair. “Look sis, it’s going to be okay. You know Dad doesn’t stay mad forever… it just seems that way.”
I balled up my pillow in front of me and hugged it. I looked up at Diane and in a small voice said, “We were just having fun. I mean, what’s the big deal? Why does Dad have to make a federal case out of being a little late?”
Diane laughed, “Girl, I’d hardly call three in the morning ‘a little late’. But hey, welcome to the club, little sister. You can’t call yourself a true teenage girl if you don’t get yelled at by your dad about being out late with your boyfriend.”
Diane was quiet for a few moments. I looked up from the bed at her and she was staring at the floor, looking thoughtful. Finally, she turned toward me and asked, “Did you?”
“Did I what?”
“Did you do him?” Diane asked quietly.
I should never play poker, because, while I didn’t answer, the sheepish smile I couldn’t stop crept across my face.
“Oh-my-God… You didn’t?! Did you?” Diane cried out in a hushed squeal.
“Kinda… sorta…” I looked down at the bed. “All I did was oral, like with Ed. But…” My voice trailed away.
“But what?” Diane probed.
I sat up, took Diane’s hand and gushed, “But I wanted it! I wanted it so bad! I wanted him to take me… wanted him… wanted…” I started crying again, and then got my composure back, “but you know what?”
Diane shook her head and took my hand and squeezed it.
“I guess he forgot… Jeff started to reach up into my panties, like he was going to finger me… and… he… he touched… he…,” I looked down at the bed, “he pulled his hand back quickly and then just jerked off…” My voice faded as I laid my head down in Diane’s lap and cried. “I wanted him… I really wanted him…” I fell asleep in Diane’s lap.
* * *
As consciousness slowly drained back into my brain, I groggily looked over at my clock. It wasn’t in its usual position; I looked up, hair hanging wildly across my face. The clock was on the wrong side and the wrong end of the bed. I felt disoriented.
Finally I sat up. I was facing the wrong direction at the wrong end of the bed. My pillow and most of the covers lay on the floor. I must have had a really bad night. I looked at the clock, and it was after eleven in the morning. Bright sunlight sliced through the crack in the window’s curtain.
I glanced over at myself in the mirror. I hadn’t washed my face before going to bed and the combination of sleeping in my make-up, the crying, and my wild hair made me look ghastly. I looked out my bedroom door, saw that the coast was clear and darted into the bathroom and locked the door.
As I washed up, I thought about the previous evening’s events. I remembered being intimate with Jeff. I grabbed the toothpaste and started brushing my teeth. I thought about how the evening ended in a total disaster. I really didn’t want to face my parents at all.
After washing up and brushing my hair, I put on some pink sweats and slowly walked down the hall to face the music.
I didn’t see Dad or Diane as I walked through the living room. Mom was in the kitchen, washing dishes.
She looked up and then back down at the dishes, “Well, look what the cat dragged in.”
“Hi Mom,” I said weakly. “What’s for breakfast?”
Without looking up, Mom said, “That was three hours ago. It’s almost time for lunch. There’s cold cuts in the fridge.”
Mom wouldn’t look at me and she kept scrubbing a pan that no longer needed any scrubbing. I took a few steps closer to her and said, “Mom. Mom, I…” and the words caught in my throat.
Mom just kept scrubbing. After a moment, without looking over at me, “Were you going to say something?”
She stopped scrubbing, but looked straight ahead, “What do you have to say for yourself?”
I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. “Mom… I… I’m sorry for what I said last night. I didn’t mean it… some of it… I’m sorry I didn’t call you. I’m sorry we were out so late. I’m sorry I yelled. I’m just… so sorry.”
Mom turned to face me, “Anything else?”
When I hesitated, not being sure what else she wanted, Mom’s eyes bored into me as she arched an eyebrow. I think I knew what she wanted, but she couldn’t bring herself to actually say it.
“You mean Jeff? I’m not sorry about Jeff.”
“I saw the stain on your skirt last night, Chris,” Mom said with an odd tone in her voice. “I know what it was.”
“Mom, it’s not what you think…”
“Chris, there’s not many ways Jeff could have gotten that on your skirt.” Mom folded her arms defensively.
“Mom, we didn’t have sex, if that’s what you’re getting at.” I folded my arms too and sat down at the kitchen counter.
Mom said coldly, “I think I have a right to know just what my son was doing with his boyfriend when semen got on his skirt.”
This wasn’t going well. “I’m your daughter, not your son.”
Mom shook her head, “You’re my son, Chris. I didn’t mind after a while you dressing and acting like a girl because it actually seemed to be doing you some good. Your father and I have been growing concerned about your relationship with Jeff.”
Incredulous, I almost yelled, “Isn’t that a little late? My God Mom, we’ve been dating steady since Thanksgiving. I… I thought you and Dad liked Jeff? You’ve invited him over for dinner, Dad watches football with him. And… and I thought you and Dad had come to accept me as a girl?”
Mom sat down next to me, then looked at the floor. “For the most part, Honey, we did accept that. For the first time in many years, we saw you genuinely happy. I’ve been worried about you for some time. With the exception of Joey, you never seemed to have any friends; you’ve hardly dated any girls.
“When you first joined the cheerleaders, I was… well, horrified. I remembered you dressing up a few years ago. I never said anything to you, but Mrs. Beasly told me she saw you a number of times while you were sneaking out to date Eddie. I never said anything, thinking you’d grow out of it… that it was just a phase. You stopped doing it, and I thought that was it.” Mom paused a moment to take some breaths.
“When your father and I saw how much you seemed to be happy with new friends, a social life, and so on, I felt more at ease with you pretending to be a girl. It seemed to come natural to you and I was worried less about you being hurt from being found out. And I knew it would all end when the school year ended.”
She paused again, so I took advantage and said, “You’re right Mom. It does seem natural to me. That’s why I no longer fight it. Being a girl feels normal to me.”
“That’s just it, Chris. You’re not a girl. You’re very good at pretending to be one. I’ll be the first one to say you are very pretty. You’re every bit as pretty as Diane and in some ways, more feminine. But the bottom line is that you’re a boy. Your father and I were disturbed at first with you kissing Jeff. I didn’t say anything because I thought it was just a thing like you did with Eddie.
“I watched your face whenever you were near him. I knew you were in love with him.” Mom smiled a weak smile, “Honey, if you were Diane, I’d be tickled that you had found someone like Jeff. But you’re not, and I’m not sure what to do about it.”
I looked out the window for a few moments. Our sunny day was being pushed aside by some dark clouds rolling in from the north. I turned back to Mom and said, “Mom. I love Jeff. Nothing’s going to change that. I don’t think I can explain this, but I don’t love Jeff, or even like boys the way a boy would. I love Jeff the way a girl would.”
Mom wrinkled her brow. “How would you know? How do you know how a girl feels?”
“I just do Mom. It’s different somehow. I’ve had crushes on girls. I know how I felt about that. And now, I’m in love with a boy and it feels different. I feel different.” I waved my arms in the air in frustration and said, “I… I just can’t explain it.”
I inspected the polish on my fingernails for a moment. “But you know what?” Mom shook her head. “This doesn’t end with graduation. I want to be with Jeff for the rest of my life!”
A sadness crossed Mom’s face. “I want my son back, Chris.”
I laid a hand on top of one of Mom’s and said, “I don’t think he’s coming back…”
* * *
I was watching the sudden snow storm swirl around outside the living room window. The phone ringing took me by surprise. I yelled out, “I’ll get it!” and picked up the handset. “Hello!”
“Hey, baby. It’s me, Jeff. How’s it going?”
I plopped down on the couch. “Not so good. Dad got really mad about me being late and not calling. I’m grounded for a month.”
“Wow, a month, huh? That’s pretty bad. Just for being late?” asked Jeff.
“Being late, and cussing out my Dad for starters.” I lowered my voice and continued, “And Mom thinks we had sex.”
“What would make her think that?”
“Well, I can think of several reasons… we’re teenagers in love, we were out really late, and Mom saw a particular stain on my skirt,” I said matter-of-factly.
“Oh, man! Did you tell them? Did you tell them that we did not have sex?” There was a tinge of panic in Jeff’s voice.
“I did tell them that. I’m not sure if they believed me or not. Why? You make it sound like having sex with me is a bad thing.”
“Hey, babe. It’s not that at all.” Jeff hesitated a moment, “You ah… you know how parents are about their daughters having sex.”
I lowered my voice again and said, “And you know, technically, we did have sex…”
Jeff said flatly, “Yeah, true.” After a pause he said, “And you were great! The best.”
I giggled and said, “You too!” Do you say ‘thank you’ for that kind of compliment? I don’t know. His comment suggested what I already pretty much knew. I wasn’t the first one. But then, Jeff wasn’t the first one either…
* * *
Dinner was ruined. It was all because of Dad. He could have waited until after, but no, right in the middle of it, he said, “I’m not sure if I want you seeing Jeff anymore.”
I quickly swallowed the piece of roast in my mouth and sputtered, “You can’t be serious! He’s my boyfriend! We’re like going steady and everything!”
Dad shook his head, “I don’t know if I can trust him anymore. Knowing that it was against the rules, he kept you out late. And I don’t think you’re telling us the truth about what you both were doing last night.” His eye twitched.
Diane jumped in before I could answer, “Dad! Why do you always have to think something bad happened just because she was out a little late?”
“Yeah, Dad! Why don’t you trust me?” I was starting to shake again from being so upset.
Dad sat up straight and looked at Diane and said, “Because I have another daughter. Been there, done that.”
I started to cry. “Dad, please don’t say I can’t see Jeff anymore! Please?”
* * *
I left the house Monday morning to go to school. It was pretty cold and Sunday’s snow was still on the ground. As I turned down the sidewalk I saw Jeff’s car parked by the curb a few houses down the street. As I approached the car, Jeff said, “Hop in, I’ll give you a lift.”
“Hi Jeff! Thanks for the ride!” I bent down and kissed him through the car window. Then ran to the other side and got in.
While I was getting settled into the car, Jeff said, “Hey babe, I’m really sorry I got you in trouble. It was my fault. I’m sorry.”
&n
bsp; I shook my head, “No, it’s not your fault.” I looked at my feet for a moment, and then looked up to Jeff. He smiled and leaned toward me and kissed me.
Jeff walked me to my first class, hand in hand. He kissed me at the door and told me he loved me. I couldn’t concentrate on the class at all. My mind was a swirl of emotions. I daydreamed about what it might be like to be married to Jeff, to go to bed each night with him and wake up each morning curled up beside him.
I was on the way to my third period class as I passed the library, oblivious to everything around me.
“Aren’t you going to say hello?” called a familiar voice from behind me. I turned around and there was Joey Saotome at his locker.
“Hey Joey! You’re back. It’s good to see you! How was Japan?” I walked back to him and gave him a hug.
Joey looked at me funny and said, “Wow, Chris-chan. There’s something different about you.”
I just gave him a weak smile, “I let go, Joey. I decided I really am a girl.”
Joey finished exchanging books in his bag and then stood up with a look of concern on his face. “Oh? You’re not going to drop this when school ends?”
Pulling a stray strand of hair from my face, I said, “No. I think I’m going to stay a girl.”
Joey seemed taken aback by my announcement. “You really sure you want to? What made you decide that?”
I stepped closer to Joey and said, “Of course I’m sure, silly! This is who I am. I feel more comfortable this way. And, I don’t want to give up Jeff after we graduate.”
Joey studied me a moment. “You know, you can keep seeing him as a boy too. Nobody really cares any more if you’re gay.”
I frowned with a deep sigh, “It’s not gay for a girl to like a boy. And Jeff isn’t one bit interested in guys.”
“He’s interested in you,” countered Joey. “And you’re a guy.”
Getting indignant I said, “I’m not a guy!”
The Reluctant Prom Date (The Reluctant Series Book 4) Page 4