by JL Madore
Samuel was a Celt kettle about to boil. I patted the bed and was thankful he acquiesced. He took my hand and his eyes rolled closed. “Ye coulda’ died, Luv. Do ye understand what it does to my insides to know how close ye came to drowning? If I hadn’t found ye . . .” He bit his lip and shook his head again.
I stroked his cheek. “How did you find me?”
Galan pulled a chair to the bedside. “Yes, Samuel, how did you find her? Tham heard the guards call out and saw Lia enter the pond. He came to wake me. How did you know where she was?”
Samuel exhaled heavily and caught my dripping braid with a corner of the bedspread. After squeezing its length within the fabric, he removed the elastic at the end and began to comb it out with his fingers. “Ye told me ye like to sit under water of yer river when the world closed in on ye. Then, when ye went back to the village for Tham’s ceremony, ye scared Cowboy half to death with a similar impulse.”
“He told you?” I asked. “Am I a general topic of conversation?”
“No. When I became yer guardian I read every report the Talon has filed on ye.” He grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him. “Dinnae be mad. It’s important to keep a record of what happens during a Talon shift. No one’s spying on ye, if that’s what yer thinkin’.”
I pulled my jaw free of his hand. “Did you file a similar report on what happened to me in the caverns last summer?”
His frown deepened.
My breath froze in my lungs. “You told me once you were there and you knew the truth. Did you report to your Talon friends what Abaddon did to me? Is that why everyone looks at me with such pity—if they can look at me at all?”
Samuel scrubbed a palm over his face. “I’m sorry, I—”
“You need not apologize.” Galan glared at me. “Reign brought me that report. What Samuel said . . . well, he left you with as much dignity and privacy as possible, considering his position and his duty.”
So, I was right. Everyone knew. Galan. Samuel. Reign and the Talon. That included Jade and Lexi. Zophia and Castian as well. My stomach twisted as Castian’s words for Abbey rang in my head. “Evil claimed her body and something precious was taken from each of us.”
Taken. Not given.
I may have been mated but the images in my memory were distant glimpses. I had been drugged. What Zophia showed me was horrible but not me. The embarrassment was mine. Anger. Shame. But that helpless maiden bound to the table bore no resemblance to the person I was or wanted to be.
How much would I allow Abaddon’s evil define me?
Should I retreat from family and friends because they knew something I would rather die than think about? I made that mistake and almost lost my life. That would never happen again. Abaddon and his evil meant nothing next to my life.
Knowing the entire truth, no matter how painful, liberated me from the cocoon I had been living within. A spring of anguish escaped the deepest part of my soul, streaming to the surface like bubbles in a glass of soda. It carried with it the darkness and despair which had weighed me down for the better part of the past year.
Breathing in, I filled my lungs and flopped back on the bed, half dragging Samuel with me. We fell in a tangle of bedding and clunked heads. I giggled and broke out in genuine laughter. Samuel’s baffled expression broke my heart, the anxiety of the night etched into every chiseled line of his face.
Galan cleared his throat and I realized I was lying, half on top of Samuel, naked on my bed with him a mere three feet away. I kissed Samuel’s cheek and sat up to face my brother. “Fash not, Galan, I have had an epiphany.”
Galan arched a graceful brow. “Pray tell, what would this realization be?”
“Castian told me, fate and free will is a tenuous balance. Both are needed to create a whole. Whether what Abaddon did to me was his free will, the Fates toying with our lives, destiny or something in between, the result remains the same. My life changed the day Scourge raiders entered our village. I cannot go back. I can never again be a naïve maiden living unaware of the realm around me.”
Galan shook his head. “No, little one, you cannot.”
I scooted to the edge of the bed and set my feet on the floor. “And just as your destiny with Jade began the moment you tackled her to the forest floor and knew your place was at her side, my destiny lies in me being the heir to the throne. I cannot be the female I need to be, here with you at Haven. I gave my word to Castian. I accept my place and shall try to be the Queen the realm needs. To do that, I must needs go.”
Galan ran his fingers through his hair. “Haven is your home. Where will you—”
I pressed two fingers over his lips, my resolve more concrete with every word I spoke. “No. Haven is your home. And though I have always followed you, trust that I am grown and capable of forging my own path. Support me. Love me. Disagree with me if you must, but do not try to stop me.”
He moved my fingers from his lips and kissed them. “Is it because of our falling out over Samuel? I shall do better, I swear. Look. We are in the same room and neither of us—”
I shook my head and cast a glance back to Samuel. “Could you give us a moment?”
Samuel rolled to his feet and nodded. On his way past the dresser, he opened a drawer and tossed me one of his long-sleeved shirts. “Put that on before ye catch yer death. I’ll go make the hot cocoa I promised ye.”
In the chair beside the bed, Galan sat, fists clenched against his suede pants. His straight silver hair hung loose with the burgundy braid of his binding brushing the side of his chiseled face. How long had it been since he fought with Samuel in my suite at Jade’s? Weeks? A month? More?
Aside from racing to my aid in the clearing and again tonight, he had been absent from my life. Now, with me leaving, we must needs mend our rift.
His glance flickered from the shirt on my lap, to the dresser and locked back on me. “Why does Samuel keep clothes in your chamber?”
“Because he has slept in here since almost the first night I left Jade’s manse.” I pointed to the pallet of blankets and pillow on the floor by the wall. I kept the details of our time sharing a bed to myself. “My night-terrors do not overtake my sleep when he is near, so we share a chamber.”
I waited for the fury and accusations—they failed to come.
Gods, he looked weary. So—lost. Lines of stress creased his brow, ageing him far more than his century and ten. Jade’s attack, the uncertain fate of his unborn young and the difficulties with me—life was wearing him down.
I pulled Samuel’s shirt over my head and rolled up the sleeves.
With an expression of somber purpose, Galan opened his mouth. “I missed you, sweeting. Gods, I ached to make things right between us. I respect your decision to keep me away, but,” he closed his eyes, “do not leave. Let us figure out your destiny together. We have spent too much time apart already.”
There was an awkwardness between Galan and I that never existed before. I took his hand and leaned close. “I gave Castian my word.”
Galan cleared his throat. “I practiced what I would say to you a thousand times over, to apologize for my behavior. Now, I am at a loss.” He stared at me, his brilliant blue eyes, so much richer than the rest of the Highborne race.
I squeezed his hand. “When you lashed out and questioned my honor, I was all but ruined. I need you to realize that. You tore my heart and soul from my chest and left me an empty, broken shell.”
A strangled noise escaped the back of his throat as he leaned forward and pressed his forehead to mine.
“You were my horizon, Galan. My guiding point. Without you, I have been adrift for almost a year—lost though rescued, isolated though not alone. You moved us to Haven, giving me no say in the matter, and restricted my movements. Then, you assigned males to guard me.”
He straightened. “For your protection.”
“You were always my protector Galan. You were my ‘Haven’. Though I understand Jade moved into the largest part of your heart, it hu
rt to be replaced.”
“No, Ryanne. Not replaced. Never. I love you as much this moment as ever.”
“Until that morning in my suite, I never questioned that but the things you said—”
“I take them back. All of—”
“You cannot,” I said, the last of my energy seeping from me. “Mayhap we needed the distance to realize our paths cannot continue as they have. The balance of fate versus free will made itself known.”
Galan exhaled a labored breath. “What are you saying?”
“I am saying I am no longer your little one, nor do I care to be. My coming of age has passed. It is time you treated me as an adult and it is time I behave as one.”
“I know nothing other than to take care of you.”
“Please.” I nearly hissed the word. “Removed from the village, friends, and afraid of everything in this chaotic new world, I have fended for myself since my capture. Do you know what it is to be overwhelmed every minute of every day trying to live up to what others expect of you? Do you know how exhausting it is?”
“I do.” Galan rose and started to pace. “I am mated and, Gods willing, shall be a father. I am also Sentinel of Souls responsible for all lost and displaced lives. Apologies if you feel I failed you, but you could have told me how you felt.”
“You should have known.” I swiped at the unwelcome tears warming my cheeks. “You have always known my heart. I never acted inappropriately with Samuel and you should have known that. I was kind to a male who suffered and sacrificed his own happiness so we could have ours. In return, you were a—a—an arse.”
His brow arched and his mouth twitched up. “I never heard you utter a curse word.”
“Well, I shan’t make it a habit, but the occasion warrants it.” I rubbed my temples, the dull ache behind my eyes taking root. It was hard to know what was bringing on the headache this time. There was so much to choose from.
Galan closed the distance between us and sighed. “Ryanne, you are a lovely female with strong virtue. I regretted my words even as they spewed from my mouth. Abaddon came for you, claimed his right to you, and while I was caught in a fit of fury and panic, I found you embracing Samuel in your suite. I behaved deplorably. You have my deepest apologies.”
I slid my arms around his waist and embraced him. “I accept your apology but know this, since you drove me away, Samuel and I have grown close.”
He nodded, fingering the shirt I wore. “Do you love him?”
“Does it matter? I am mated to Abaddon and Samuel stood witness. Whatever I may or may not have hoped for is unimportant.”
He kissed my forehead. “Your feelings are important to me. And though Samuel sets me off half-crazed, he feels for you too. You realize that, yes?”
I rolled my eyes, a familiar ache tightening in my chest. “My sense of smell is as keen as yours. However, neither attraction nor affection constitutes romantic interest. He made it clear there is no future for us. He holds no intentions to pursue me.”
Galan gathered both my hands in his. “Though I dislike the male, Samuel has been kind to you, a friend when you needed one.”
I sighed. “Do you understand why I must needs go?”
He wrapped his arms around me and squeezed until I thought my spine would crack. “Not entirely but I respect your decision. When will you leave?”
“In a few days. There are things I must sort out myself before I go.”
He kissed my forehead and nodded. “When you settle, I shall visit and ensure you are being well cared for. And I shall stand for you at your tribunal.”
I smiled against his neck. He smelled of outdoors, suede and, to my heart’s relief, Galan. “I expect nothing less.”
CHAPTER TWENTY
Left to my bath, I closed the door. Steam condensed on the mirror and humid air hung thick in the small space. Immersing myself did little to warm me. For months, life had swept me along in its cruel current. Despite finding the shore, I still felt the power of the undertow dragging at me.
What was I to do now?
I rinsed the last of the pond water from my hair, brushed my teeth for the third time, and wrapped myself in an oversized towel. Dimly lit beneath the glow of bedside lanterns and with the Dens quiet in the dead of night, the silence of my bed chamber echoed back at me.
“And how are ye feeling now?” Samuel sat propped in one of the club chairs in the corner, his silhouette barely discernable from the shadows. As my vision adjusted, I could see remained ready to explode. “Ye all right?”
I accepted the mug of hot cocoa he offered and sat in the chair opposite him. Curling my feet beneath me, I readied for his fury to unfurl. “I am as well as you might expect.”
Samuel shifted forward, leaning his elbows on his knees. At some point, since he’d left me with Galan, he’d showered and put on another pair of flannel pajama pants. I wondered if he had been able to warm up any better than I.
I eased the mug from my lips and blew across the surface, the chocolate ambrosia yet too hot. “I am mated to a monster. In days or mayhap a week, I shall stand in front of the Fates and they will declare me Abaddon’s female. I shall never know the love of a gentlemale or raise a family. I must needs come to terms with that.”
“So, ye’ve given up, have ye?”
“To face what I must is logic, not despair.”
“Right. Of course. Your life is forfeit because a madman drugged ye and pinned ye down, is that it?” Samuel scrubbed the back of his neck looking rabid. “Why am I bustin’ my balls combing through Highborne laws if yer gonna throw up yer hands before we stand before the Fates? We’ve got some bite to our objections, ye know? We could win this.”
“Facts cannot be argued.”
“Luv, I’m a Celt—anything can be argued.” Crouching on the floor before me, he placed his hands on my bare knees and squeezed. “Abaddon will never get near ye again. I swear it. I’ll fight the Fates ‘til I’m blue in the face and come back for more with my wand if need be. I’ll protect ye with my life.”
The sweet spice of truth vibrated in his words and I loved him for it. That thought pierced my chest. I loved him. Though it changed nothing. “You are a true friend and a valiant guardian, Samuel. No matter the outcome of my fight with Abaddon, I made a promise to Castian and cannot stand as Queen of the Realm of the Fair if hiding behind my warrior protector.”
“Friend,” he said, a violent edge to his voice. “There’s that feckin’ word again.”
“Yes, there it is.” And friends was all we could ever be. “At least now I understand why I am such a pariah to males. When no one would dance with me at Tham’s life celebration, I was saddened. That not one male inquired about courting me since my coming of age was hurtful. But when you kissed me and regretted it so deeply, despite our obvious attraction, it cut me to my depths. Knowing the truth is a relief.”
Samuel’s opal gaze flashed. “You think I dinnae want ye?”
“You told me as much. Now I understand why. You saw what was done to me. As a male of worth, you tend to me as you would any innocent in your charge. It was me who mistook your attentions for more.”
He slid the mug from my hand and set it on the round table beside my chair. With my wrist still in his grasp, he shoved my hand against the front of his pants. His erection kicked as my hand pressed against its length.
Samuel’s gaze locked on mine. “I’ll argue with ye on that. Yer perfect to me, inside and out. Abaddon’s cruelty does nae affect my feelings in the slightest. And they are feelings, Luv—not duty, not guilt and not friendship.”
I reclaimed my hand and sat deeper in my chair. “The truth remains, I am bound to Abaddon.” The intensity in his eyes forced me to break from his gaze. “I am ruined.”
Samuel leaned over me, gripping both arms of my chair. “Yer not ruined. Yer as vital and whole as any woman I ever laid eyes on. Dinnae say such a foul thing again or I’ll tan yer sweet bum rosy.”
I laughed. “Your charm is odd
but appreciated.”
He tapped the end of my nose with his finger. “Listen to me, Lia, and use that Highborne gift of yours to smell the truth of my words. I’ve wanted ye every night I spent in here. In bed, I fight not pull ye beneath me. Ye fill my dreams. Ye consume my waking mind. I want ye every way a man can take a woman. On yer back pressing you into the sheets. On yer knees with me driving home from behind. I want my mouth on yer core lapping at ye until ye shatter into a million pieces. I want ye beyond all reason.”
I swallowed, the images he described dancing in my mind. He coaxed languid warmth inside me with just his words. Was that normal? “Yet you refused me without explanation when I asked you to be my consort.”
“Because it was nae right.”
“Was it right to make me feel unwanted and invisible?”
“How could ye think yerself invisible? Yer all I’ve seen since we started up together. And that was even before I got my sight back.”
He rose on his knees and leaned close to my chair. With his body between my thighs, our faces were just inches apart. “With the panic attacks and the headaches, I realized ye weren’t hidin the truth like I thought at first. The drugs had either left ye with no memory or ye’d blocked it out. It was a hateful act and it was nae right to allow anything physical to happen between us when ye dinnae know the truth.”
“And what of my opinion? Knowing you cared for me would have been a lifeline. I was adrift. Alone.” Heat burned to the tips of my ears and I gripped the arms of the chair. “I shall decide what I want and you, my brother and the rest of the Realm of the Fair need to remember that, Mr. Murray!”
His ebony brows lifted as the corners of his mouth twitched. “Well, dinnae stop there, Miss Caleblasse. Tell me what it is ye do want.” His opal eyes sparkled and made my heart beat faster. Gods he was a lovely, virile male. Even when he infuriated me.
“Do you truly wish to hear it?”
He laughed darkly. “I wait with bated breath.”
“And will you listen? Listen and hear me?”