Body Wisdom & Uncompromising Portraits

by Lizbeth Dusseau

  “No, I’ve owned it for about five years.”

  He saw the surprised expression.

  “I never thought much about it until the fire.”

  “So you brought me here for a reason?”

  “Among other things, I’m thinking of selling it, wondered if you might want to buy it.”

  “Sell it? Why?”

  “I haven’t thought that through yet, I’m just in the planning stages.”

  “It seems you could make this as beautiful as your cottage, Kurt. It’s gorgeous, the whole place, and so much more space and light. But then, you don’t want to stay here, do you?”

  “It’s good for a while. I do like it, but I never have thought of living here. Too big I guess.”

  I raised my eyebrows thinking I’d seen it all.

  “Oh, there’s a room upstairs too, slant walls and all, it’s pretty big though, and the one back there, that I guess is supposed to be the bedroom, and then another room behind the kitchen.”

  “Hey, a regular mansion.”

  “I bought it when my girlfriend was pregnant.”

  “The one that didn’t keep the baby?”

  He nodded. “I thought for a while it was bad karma. But it doesn’t feel that way anymore, after I cleaned it out. You’re right, it’s a pretty neat house.” He seemed to be enjoying the room as much as I was.

  “You think I might buy it?” I asked.

  “Why not? You like it don’t you?”

  I’d never seen the salesman side of Kurt, and that was charming - he was so woefully lacking in salesman charm.

  “I’m not in the market for a house, I have one. But I’ll keep it in mind, if I know someone’s looking for a place.”

  “No, not yet,” he said. “I’m not sure what I want to do, just giving you a little advance publicity.”

  Was he implying I live here with him? The question burned in my brain, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to ask it. Did he want to screw me on the spot? That question immediately came to mind too, but as soon as I thought of it, the answer came.

  “Well, I guess I’ll be getting you back to the library,” he said.

  “So this is the conversation we’re going to have?” I asked. “I thought you were going to tell me about what you’d been thinking since you left.”

  His eyes lit. “I wasn’t sure you cared.”

  “I’m here, aren’t I?”

  “That you are.” He walked toward the windows and looked out at the ocean for a few moments and then looked back. “You were right, Jess. I was running away from a lot of things. I was running away from a difficult situation in town, and I was running away from you.” He paused again. “It’s a challenge thinking of being with you, and all your stability. And I’m not sure how we could ever make it work for us, so I haven’t come around to talk. I thought maybe you’d have to figure this one out.”

  “That means you still want a relationship?” I asked. I’d sworn I wouldn’t ask that, but there I had.

  “I would, but not one where we’re going to get ugly, that’s not my idea of love.”

  He had a point, a very good point. Up until our war over the fire, I had thought that a relationship with Kurt meant being on a different level than most relationships. It was one of the reasons I liked it. I think he was waiting for me to say something, but my tongue was as tied up in knots as my stomach.

  “I’m not looking for anyone else, Jess,” he finally went on. “And I’ll stick around at least for a while just to see if you want to change your mind; but I’m not going to quit screwing women, and I’m not going to stay forever.”

  I remained silent, and I could have kicked myself later for not saying something.

  Without another word, Kurt turned back toward the door, and I had to following him out to the bike, climb on behind him, and let him take me back to town.

  I was feeling the fresh breeze in my face as we rode along the narrow road, and I was feeling the warmth between my legs with my cunt resting against his rear end. The vibrating had me vibrating. I wanted sex with him so much, I could have done it in the street with a dozen people watching. He should have attacked me right there in the cottage. All the time, opportunity and sexual heat were right there, and he didn’t. Was it a carefully designed torture, or just something subconscious that made him keep an arm’s length away from me.

  ***

  The next time I saw Kurt was two days later. He was arm in arm with a young blonde woman, with long teased hair, and a warm smile. They were walking into the pizza parlor downtown, while Todd and I had just had been served our combination with three kinds of cheese.

  I figured she was one woman that Kurt would be screwing, especially the way she had his hands all over him, and he wasn’t minding, even though he knew I was there. He even waved at me pleasantly from across the room, before he turned back to his blonde pal.

  “You ever see him, after the other night?” Todd asked, when I looked back at my date.

  “Yeah, he dropped by the library the other day, but that’s really all,” I replied.

  I knew that being less than candid with Todd was not a good sign, but I wasn’t going to talk about the bike ride and the cottage. And I was going to have to ignore the curious expression on Todd’s face. He just wasn’t going to get anymore answers.

  ***

  About two weeks later, I was aware that Kurt was out of town. I wasn’t privy to anything specific, but a little hearsay suggested he’d split for a while, leaving a number of things up in the air, including plans for rebuilding on his town property. Friends of mine, acquaintances in Shelter Bay were dropping hints at me, thinking I might have an inside clue to Kurt Cezant’s plans.

  “Jess, if you have any influence with that man, maybe you could get him off dead center on the property. It’s a prime piece of real estate, he’s got three decent offers, hell more than decent offers for the land. Talk to him, will you.” Bob Kelm was talking to me over a sandwich in the pub. He wouldn’t like my reply, but he could be certain that I wouldn’t breath a word to Kurt about anything.

  “I don’t see him, Bob,” I said. “In fact, I think he’s out of town.”

  “Aw, he’ll come back, he always does. Hear he took off with Nate George’s daughter, Kris. Boy is Nate pissed. Of course that brat of his has a rebellious streak in her a mile wide. Should have clamped down on her a long time ago. But she flunked out of San Francisco State last semester, and’s been doing nothing but driving Nate crazy. Now with Cezant, who knows?”

  “I did date the man, Bob,” I reminded him.

  “But you’re not now. Practically engaged to Todd, I hear?”

  “No, I’m not practically engaged to Todd.”

  “But you should be, Jess. You need to settle yourself down.”

  “Don’t sound like my mother, or I’ll leave right now.”

  “Awright. But listen, if you have any influence with Kurt, get him off his ass. This situation isn’t good for any of us.”

  “Bob, I appreciate your concerns, but Kurt Cezant is his own man, and he’s not about to be swayed by me, or anyone else for that matter.”

  I hated to admit that Bob could be right about Todd and me; but maybe things were turning out the way they should, Kurt off with a twenty year old college dropout, just the kind of relationship everyone expected him to have, and me with my stable thirty-eight year old Todd. I railed at life for making things like love so easily cut and dried, so willingly falling to natural patterns. Maybe I was fighting fate to fight those well-defined patterns, and maybe even Kurt was realizing that too.

  Chapter Nine

  Todd was away on business, and I was going by his house every day to walk his pooch, Larry, an overzealous golden retriever, that was as sweet as he was uncontrollable. Letting him run on the beach for an hour seemed the best way to take care of my obligation. And since the there was nothing but wide open beach one block from Todd’s house, this solution for Larry’s daily exercise was certainly a
s easy as putting the dog on a leash, and trying to walk him uptown the way Todd would do.

  Todd knew I wasn’t wild about dog sitting, and he thought running him on the beach was just fine. He’d actually given me every opportunity to decline the deal all together. But I had a loyalist point of view, thinking lovers really ought to do things for each other like this; and if my life continued in the same course for the next several months, I might be having a whole lot more to deal with than Larry.

  The morning I met Kurt on the beach it was so foggy that I didn’t see him until he was nearly on me. The damp air was so thick that the two of us seemed to be shrouded in a veil, removed from everything, except for waves that lapped every once and a while at our feet, and Larry, who would run toward me, just to make sure I was still there.

  “Quite a morning, don’t get lost in the fog,” I said, as I watched Kurt approach, thinking he was just going to run by me on his morning jog.

  Kurt stopped instead.

  “Hi, how are you?” he said, when he pulled up next to me, and turned around to walk at my side.

  “I’m good.” We walked a few paces together. “You ever decide to sell your property?” I asked.

  “No.”

  “You were gone a while.”

  “Bout three weeks.”

  “Another girl, so the gossip goes.”

  “She’s already split on me, thinks I’m an old man.”

  “Oh well, you are, all of thirty one now.”

  “Don’t remind me.”

  Larry was at my feet and starting to jump up on Kurt. He gave the dog an easy dodge and then calmed the beast.

  “You have a way with animals too?” I said.

  “This yours?”

  “No, Todd’s. Baby-sitting. In fact, I should get him home, I’ve got to open the library soon.”

  Seeing I was about the right place to find Todd’s house again, I turned up toward the road, and Kurt hiked side by side with me. Thankfully, Larry was following obediently behind us both, but the closer we got to his home, he took off running full speed.

  “He’ll be on the porch waiting for me, by the time I’m up there,” I said, laughing.

  I was feeling pretty confident with everything including Todd, Larry, and even Kurt walking side by side with me, until I heard the squeal of brakes coming out of the fog, and a sudden lurch claimed my stomach.

  Kurt and I dashed madly toward the road where all my worst fears were confirmed. Poor Larry lay in one horrible heap in the middle of the road, the driver of a small sports car bending over his limp body.

  ***

  Two hours later, I returned to Todd’s house with Larry in tow, the silly dog panting like nothing in the world was wrong, though from his point of view nothing could be wrong as drugged as he was. Other than a broken leg which was now in a splint, he was all right, looking as if he would settle in for a long night’s sleep. I wish I could as well, but I had to get to the library, at least for a few hours.

  “Thanks so much for helping with him,” I said to Kurt. “I thought my world was going crash around me. I’m still not thinking too straight. I hope he’s okay.” We were looking down at lazy Larry, all spread out on the living room carpet. I hoped Todd wouldn’t care that he was recuperating there. He really preferred the dog sleep in the a corner of the kitchen; but this place seemed so much homier, and Larry was a pain to carry. I was grateful Kurt had been there to lift the seventy five pound dog. I never could have done it myself.

  “He’ll be all right,” Kurt said. He grabbed my hand and gave it a tender squeeze. “Will you?”

  “Yeah. I should get cleaned up, and get going. I suppose I’ll have to come back here right after work.”

  “I’ll come down and check on him midafternoon, if you want me to.”

  “Thanks, but I can probably get the lady next door to look in on him,” I said. “Todd’s supposed to be home tonight. I can’t imagine what he’s going to say.”

  “How about “thank you” for saving the dog’s life?” he suggested.

  “I guess we did, didn’t we?”

  Funny that neither Kurt or I was moving. We just stood there staring at the sleeping animal. Yet the longer we stood there, the more I realized how close we were. I could feel the presence of his body, breathing in that essence of him I remembered last feeling when he’d taken me to the beach house. It was a feeling to relish.

  His shoulder was grazing mine, ever so slightly, and I wanted to pull away; but then not really knowing how it happened, we turned to each other and our lips met. At first, he wasn’t even putting his arms around me, but he was stirring fires all through me, big passionate out-of-control wildfires. And finally his hands met my hands, and his fingers began to toy with my fingers and extra jolts of energy shot through me everywhere.

  “We shouldn’t be doing this,” I said.

  “No, I suppose not, but . . .”

  I’m not sure what he was going to say, because his words turned into another kiss, and I could tell where it was leading. Kurt could see the bedroom from where he stood. It was right behind me; and as his kisses continued, he was ever so slowly backing me toward the room. Why there? Why not in the living room, the kitchen, the dining room? It was not so unusual for us to make love in any of those places, but he was going for the bedroom. Kurt intended to lay me out on Todd’s bed.

  Inside that cooler room, he pushed me down on the bed, on my back, and all restraints were suddenly off. He pulled up on my sweatshirt and stood over me looking down at my naked torso as he pulled off his own shirt. He did it all silently, without a word of explanation, without a single excuse, without any reason. His rushing lust was moving him rapidly just as it was moving me. All I knew, I wanted him atop my body, breaking months’ worth of barriers, taking me to that body territory beyond the norms, where it seemed only Kurt and I could traverse.

  I shivered seeing his naked muscled form, and not waiting for him, I shoved down my sweat pants, and opened my legs so that his descent was easy. Over top of me, there was one firm thrust and a huge erection began to rock me into that other world. He was ravenous with my breasts, teasing my nipples, torturing them when he pinched them, and nibbled them with this teeth. Like pushing turn-on buttons I bucked against him in reply, trying to consume the pummeling cock.

  It was just one position after another that followed. He was on top first, and then we rolled over so I was dancing on his prick, until he rolled me off and pulled me up on hands and knees to fuck be from behind. Once we’d had our fill of that, he pulled free, demanding my mouth take his prick, which went down so willingly. His hand behind my head was guiding, coercing, insisting on an eager response. It had been a long time since I’d been manhandled with that kind of rude abuse.

  I was falling deeply into him, thinking this was the most connected that I ever felt, but I knew that wasn’t true. I been connected to him like this every time we’d made love. There was a great, bright, wild energy abounding, and I was gone, suddenly gone, an orgasm ripping through me that was briskly followed by Kurt’s.

  I listened to him, as his passionate scream echoed through Todd’s room everywhere. And in tepid summer heat we woke to find one naked body sweating against the other, almost too stuck together to pull away. I wanted to stay that close to him to forever, never leave his arms and his scent and the feel of his body.

  I made the mistake of opening my eyes to see Todd’s staring a me from a picture of Todd and me sitting on the night stand, our two faces peering out with smiles as we held each other close. It had been taken just two weeks before.

  “Oh, my god, we shouldn’t have done this,” I said instantly.

  “And why not?” Kurt asked.

  “Just look.” I nodded at the picture.

  “Some sacrilege?” he said, looking at the picture too. “Wouldn’t you two bless this? I thought we were pretty damned hot.” He was being light-heartedly sarcastic.

  “Kurt please. I think you’d better go. The
only thing worse about our screwing on his bed would be screwing on his bed, and Todd walking in.”

  “Is that a possibility?”

  “I don’t think so, but we have to go.”

  “Ah, you’re too careful.”

  “And you’re too reckless.”

  “I guess we’ll never get over ourselves,” he replied, shaking his head.

  He hopped up from the bed leaving me laying there in my spent state. I watched him dress, while he looked down at me and smirked.

  “This can’t change things between us, Kurt,” I told him.

  “Really? Somehow I thought you’d say that.” Finished getting dressed, he leaned over and kissed me tenderly on the lips. “See you around, and if you need me to look in on Larry.”

  “No, Kurt, I think I’ll just forget work.”

  “Oh?”

  “Yeah, I think I’ll stay here with him. What if he wakes up and . . . you know?”

  “I know. It’s a bitch doing penance, isn’t it?”

  I could have thrown something at him for that last comment, but there was nothing good to unleash with. I’d have to satisfy myself with a long string of foulest swear words I could think of, until I couldn’t think of anymore, while the volume of my complaint was even beginning to make Larry stir.

  ***

  One day later, Todd took me to dinner in town. The little bistro specialized in French cuisine, and expensive wine which was Todd’s way of thanking me for handling the problem with Larry.

  “I suppose if I’d kept him on a leash this wouldn’t have happened at all,” I said.

  “I’m not blaming you. I would have done the same running him on the beach.”

  “You’re awfully sweet, but I’m still feeling guilty.”

  “So how did you get him to the vet?” he asked. “I can’t imagine you carried him. I have a problem lifting him myself.”

  “Well, it just happened that I met Kurt on the beach while I was running him yesterday, and he was there when it happened.”

  “Kurt,” he said the name so strangely, it was difficult to tell what he was thinking. “So I suppose he did the lifting.”