There is a lot of awkward silence as we drive Gretchen home. I think mostly because I am there. Once we get home, I fall right into the carrying my cell phone wherever I go routine just in case Todd calls. My phone doesn’t ring, but the doorbell does and, by some miracle, I answer it. Todd is standing on the other side of the door, he is here in person!
“Hi.” I say, trying not to sound as excited as I am; this is even better than a phone call.
“Hey, Ash!” He sweeps his hair out of his eyes; it is still wet from his after practice shower and he is wearing that same beat-up EHS grey shirt. For some reason, his eyes look so beautiful when he wears grey. They are a lighter blue with flecks of grey reflecting the color of his shirt. If only he knew how much I study his eyes.
“Is Ryan home?”
“Yeah, he’s here. Come in.” I step back to make room for him. “Ryan, Todd’s here!” I scream upstairs. “He’s in his room. Just go up.” I gesture for him to go in front of me. This day just got a whole lot better. Watching his butt down the hall or across the field at school is one thing, but seeing it up close as he is climbing up my stairs is another thing entirely. This close up view is way better than I’ve ever dreamed; his jeans hug his butt perfectly.
“Thanks, Ash.” He looks back at me and smiles.
Unfortunately he’s here to see Ryan. Fortunately, they hang out in his room and I can hear everything thanks to the vent.
"Hey, Ry, what was going on with you and Brian at practice today? You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm good. I don't know. Maybe the pressure is getting to us? I really don’t know what’s bugging him.”
“I talked to him yesterday and he said everything was fine, but it doesn't seem fine." I can tell Todd is sitting on his bed because I can hear him perfectly.
“Yeah, we talked last week and I thought we were good.” There is a moment of silence and then I hear Ryan again, “He's a loose cannon out there. I never know what he's going to do when I usually know every move he's going to make. Has he said anything to you?"
“Not really. I only know what I saw at practice when you were ready to kill each other. Scouts are coming and you two need to get it together and stop acting like it’s a joke.” I can hear the anger in his voice.
"What am I supposed to do if he doesn’t throw me the ball?”
"Just keep playing; he's going to throw it to you. He wants to win."
There is another long break of silence, and then I hear Ryan, "Do you think it has anything to do with Blythe?" My heart sinks. We've been trying to hide this from him the entire time and he knows!
"What do you mean?" Todd asks cautiously.
"Blythe said she told Brian she just wanted to be friends," Ryan says nonchalantly.
"Did she say anything else?" Todd asks with trepidation.
"No, but I don't think Brian has ever been rejected. I'm not sure he can handle it."
"Yeah, well, that's true." I can tell he is relieved Ryan doesn’t know any more.
"Think we should talk to him?" Ryan asks innocently.
"Maybe?" Todd knows this isn’t a good idea before the game, but he keeps playing it cool. “Just play hard. Brian will throw the ball to you in the game, you know that. And the scouts will see what a good player you are.”
“Thanks, Todd.” It sounds like they both stand up. I’m trying so hard to listen for Ryan’s door—so I can nonchalantly run out into the hall and see Todd one more time—that I accidentally fall off my bed and hit the floor hard. Man, that hurts.
“You okay, Ash?” Ryan yells through the wall.
“I’m good.” I immediately feel heat wash over my face, how mortifying! "Just dropped some books," I shout back. Hopefully, they can’t tell what really happened.
“Okay, I better go. My parents have no idea where I went. I dropped Sid off and left.” I can hear Ryan’s door opening. “Bye, Ash!” Todd shouts through the wall, laughing.
“Bye, Todd,” I say, still lying on the floor, humiliated.
***
The countdown to the game continues, it’s Thursday, which means only one more practice; one more day to share a secret with Todd. We both agree that after the game we'll try to talk to Brian and Gretchen and tell them we know what is going on. Then, things will go back to normal; well, as normal as they can be. Hopefully, the guys will play their best, the scouts will all be interested, oh, and we'll win the game. Or even better, Gretchen will realize Brian is lying and Ryan will never have to know. It's not like Brian doesn't have options, every other girl in the school is dying for a chance with him.
The closer the game gets, though, the more I hope we are making the right decision. There is so much at stake for everyone; colleges, scholarships, friendships.
"Hey, Ash," I hear over my shoulder. His voice melts my heart, every time.
"Hey, Todd," I say, turning around. Enjoy it now, because he's not coming up to your locker anymore after tomorrow.
"How was Ryan after I left?"
"Good. I think he's pretty convinced Brian is acting that way because of Blythe."
"Good. As long as he doesn't know the other part, we're fine."
"Oh no!" I say, looking down the hall. Ryan is talking to the one person he should probably avoid: Blythe. He is leaning against her locker and they are both laughing. He looks completely comfortable.
"Let's go." Todd grabs my hand and pulls me through the hall, and before I know it, we are standing in front of them. It happens so fast, I don’t even have a chance to get excited that Todd held my hand.
"Hey, Ash Bug, Todd." Ryan nods to us. He is still laughing at whatever Blythe has just said.
"Hi, Guys! What's up?" Blythe chimes in.
"Nothing. We just wanted to come over and say hi," Todd responds. Blythe looks at me on the word "we" with a questioning expression. I subtly shake my head no; there definitely isn’t a "we", even if I wish there were.
"Hi?" Blythe and Ryan say back, sort of questioning this slightly odd behavior, but Todd just keeps his stance; he isn’t going anywhere, not as long as Gretchen is down the hall witnessing everything.
"So, you ready for the big game, guys?" Blythe asks, reaching for a conversation topic since we are all just awkwardly standing there.
"Definitely. I love playing the Wildcats," Todd jumps in.
"Oh and I can't wait to see the Sour Lollipops perform tomorrow, too! Hey, how's Rebecca?" Blythe asks, I can't tell if that is a dig because she knows what Todd is up to or if it is a genuine question.
"She's good!" That prompts him to glance down the hall as if on cue, and of course she is starring in this direction, glaring at me. He smiles and waves. She smiles and waves back. I could have done without that exchange.
"Well, the first bell is gonna ring soon, so I better get going. Ryan, we can talk later." Blythe makes sure we know we interrupted them with that last comment.
"Ryan’s going to be busy later, Blythe," Todd says low, but loud enough for Ryan to hear.
Ryan starts to laugh. "What was that about?" he asks as he playfully jumps up with his hands braced on Todd's shoulders.
"Nothing," Todd says, laughing and pulling away from him.
Ryan gives Todd a look like he is trying to figure out his strange behavior and then he laughs it off as they join their friends down the hall where Ryan grabs Gretchen's hand and pulls her away from talking to Brian. "Good Morning," he says as he kisses her neck. I see Brian's face cringe. I wish he wouldn't take this all so personally.
***
Rumor has it that Coach read the entire team the riot act in the locker room before they took the field for practice. Whatever he said worked, though, because for the first time since this all started, they are playing great. This is the championship team we all know and love; they are back! It feels like a huge weight is lifted and I can finally breathe easy. Brian and Ryan are nailing play after play. It has been touch and go for so long, but they look ready. Scouts are arriving in town tonight and tomorrow so there is
an excited, nervous energy in the air. This isn't the first time scouts are coming to our school for a game, but it's the first time it matters to people that I love.
Todd comes even later than usual since their big performance is tomorrow, but as soon as he gets on the field, he looks up at me in the bleachers with a questioning look and I give him a thumbs up. He immediately smiles and wipes his forehead in a gesture of relief.
When everyone leaves practice, it’s as if nothing has happened over the last few weeks. Finally! Gretchen says she is going to hang out to work on a new cheer and she is going home with RTS after Sour Lollipops rehearsals since RTS, Shane and Todd all have to go back to practice because the performance is tomorrow.
As we head home, I’m really excited for the big game. For the first time, I know Todd and I have made the right decision and that everything is going to work out.
At dinner, my dad can't stop talking about the game and all the possible scouts coming tomorrow. All of sudden, my phone buzzes. I’ve kept it with me out of habit, but my parents hate phones at the table. I figure it is just Sid and I'll text her later but it buzzes again. And then again.
"Ashley!" my dad says in the dreaded disapproving tone. "That better be your stomach making that noise."
"Sorry, Dad," I say and shut my phone off without looking.
Through the rest of dinner, I can't stop thinking about the texts, but I can't rush or my dad will know why. So I act like I’m interested in the conversation. It is the longest meal of my life.
When Ryan and I have finally cleared the table, I’m free to go upstairs to turn my phone back on and I have twenty-seven text messages from Shane and two missed calls from Todd! Literally, twenty-seven text messages and they all say "ASAP". Well, some of them actually say "ASP" because I think he must have been angry typing and missed a letter.
This probably isn’t good. What should I do first?
I decide to text Shane, What's up?
I wait exactly one second and can’t wait anymore so I call Todd. This is a first, I've never actually called him, but I’m only returning his call after all. So why is my heart pounding? I’m not sure if it’s because I’m actually calling Todd or because I am afraid to hear what is so urgent.
It rings and rings and rings and—
"Hey, Ash!" Todd sounds calm. That's good, right? I am so anxious to hear what is going on, I can't even get excited that he must have my number programmed in his phone because he knows it’s me.
"What's going on, I got twenty-seven text messages from Shane?" Just as I say this, the phone buzzes. I know it is Shane, but he’s going to have to wait.
"It's not good. Are you sitting down?" I can't tell if he is joking or serious. I can actually feel my heart beating in my chest.
"What? Tell me."
"Shane, Rebecca and I were leaving practice and we saw Brian and Gretch in his car. Let's just say, they weren't just talking."
There is silence as I absorb this. "Wait. They were together? I thought she was working on a cheer and then going home with Rebecca? They were together?" I know I’m repeating myself, but I can't help it. For the first time, I am talking to a friend; it is no longer Todd the unattainable, gorgeous, older brother of my best friend, or my brother’s best friend. It’s just Todd.
"Yeah, I know. We thought the same thing, but that's not exactly what happened."
"Did they see you guys?" I ask.
"Well, I got really pissed off. I was so mad at Brian that I went up to the window and banged on it."
"You did?"
"Yeah." He sounds disappointed in himself.
"I think it's amazing! What did you say?"
"It was more like what I shouted. I said, ‘What are you doing? Nothing's going on, huh? What is wrong with you both?’"
"What did they do?"
"Brian got out of the car and he tried to say it was nothing, they were just talking and got carried away."
"What did Gretchen do?"
"She got really upset and asked us not to tell Ryan."
"Oh, my God. I can't believe it!"
"Yeah, well, it gets worse. I couldn't help it. I was so mad. Mad at Brian for lying to me for weeks and he still wasn't owning up to it. I saw him with my own eyes and he still couldn't admit it."
"What happened?" He can't talk fast enough for me. All of a sudden, Ryan opens my bedroom door. I am so shocked I must look insane.
"Ash, Shane is on the house phone," Ryan says, oblivious to my reaction, I guess he's used to me looking insane.
"Tell him, I'm on my cell, I'll call him right back."
"Okay." I hear him talking to Shane as he closes my door, I'm sure Shane is extremely eager to talk, but there's no way I'm hanging up with Todd.
"Is he gone?" Todd asks.
"Yeah. Keep going."
"Okay. I couldn't help it, I was so mad. I told him I was going to tell Ryan. I told him I knew something was up and I couldn't believe he was still lying to my face. I said I didn't tell Ryan in the first place because I was hoping nothing would happen and it would just blow over. I didn't want to screw up the game."
"I can't believe you said you would tell Ryan."
"Well, he got really mad and he pushed me. So, I sort of lost it and I pushed him back, then he punched me and we started to fight."
"Oh, no. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine, but my eye isn't."
"Are you kidding? Is it bad?"
"Yeah, pretty bad, but he doesn't look great, either."
"Really? You hit him back?"
"I was so mad, Ash. I couldn't control myself."
"Who stopped you guys?"
"Well, Gretchen and Rebecca tried, but we were on the ground at this point. It was like all of my stress and anger for the last few weeks was released. Shane is remarkably strong, he pulled us apart at least long enough for me to realize what was happening and stop myself."
"So you guys are pretty beat up?"
"Yeah. I told Brian, there's no way to hide this now. I don't know what to do. It's pretty clear we fought each other."
"Well, maybe if I went over to Gretchen's and punched her we could make up a crazy story about you guys saving her from a rabid Sour Lollipop fan." I try to get his mind off everything.
Todd laughs, but I can tell he is really worried. "What do we do now? What about the scouts? Ryan's definitely going to know something is up when he sees us both.”
"Maybe by tomorrow it will look a lot better."
"I appreciate the positive thinking, but it's doubtful. I have frozen peas on my eye right now."
"What did you tell your mom?"
"I said it happened at practice, but Ryan's not going to buy that, he was there. Besides, when he sees Brian, he's going to know it wasn't an accident."
"Well, maybe you can talk to the scouts with your helmets on? Maybe you should wear them all day like you just really want to be ready for the game."
"Ha. Ha," Todd responds sarcastically.
"What did Sid say?"
"She hasn’t seen me yet, but you know she's going to know it didn't happen at practice. Man, I have to perform this way tomorrow, too. This sucks," he says more to himself. "I just couldn't help it, Ash." He is starting to fully realize all the repercussions and my heart is kind of breaking for him.
"Well, I personally think a lead singer always looks better with a black eye. What does Brian look like?"
“I got his lip pretty good and I think I cut his eye.”
"Nice." It slips out, and then I feel bad. "Sorry. How did you guys end it?"
"After Shane separated us, the girls grabbed us; Gretch went to Brian and Rebecca came to me. Shane kind of stayed in the middle with his arms stretched out just in case we decided to start again. I think we both started to realize what had just happened. Brian looked at me and said he was sorry. For the first time, I believed him, but I don't think he was talking about what happened with Gretchen; I think he meant about the fight. Then I just turned arou
nd and left. Rebecca and Shane came with me, Gretchen stayed with him. God only knows what happened after I left."
In my head, I’m picturing RTS and Gretchen tending to their bloody wounds. I wish I could have been the one that was there to help Todd. As soon as we hang up, I text Shane back and tell him I talked to Todd and know everything. He texts back that it was really crazy. He seems shaken up even over text.
I can’t sleep. I just keep thinking about what happened and what is going to happen tomorrow. How is Ryan going to take everything? I so badly wanted this to all work out with no one getting hurt and now two people are really hurt and one more is about to be.
***
The next morning, when we pull up to school in Ryan’s old Mustang, my heart is pounding and for the first time it has nothing to do with seeing Todd. Well, actually it has everything to do with seeing Todd, but not in the usual way, more like in a this is going to open up a window to the truth, a window I wish could stay closed forever kind of way. Everything seems hyper real this morning. The fluorescent lights seem brighter, the smell of teenage sweat seems stronger, and the stains on the industrial hallway carpet are more obvious. Maybe I notice everything a little more because I want to avoid seeing the one thing I know everyone is going to notice. I feel like my brother is about to walk into a war zone and he has no idea; the hardest part is knowing what is coming. I wish I didn’t know.
“Hi, guys!” Shane says from behind as he catches up with us in the middle of the hall. “I’m not going to miss this,” he whispers so only I can hear.
I look at him with a mixture of disbelief and fear. Disbelief for what he has said so joyfully, and fear for what I know is about to come. As we turn the corner, everyone is already at their lockers. Todd, Brian, Gretchen and RTS are all there. Brian and Todd are talking and from here it looks like everything is fine, but my heart is still pounding.
“Ash, don’t you have to go to your own locker?” Ryan questions, wondering why Shane and I are both still walking with him.
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