Accidental Crush

by Torrisi, Adrienne

  "Um, hello. There is a human standing right next to you," Shane interrupts my thoughts.

  My gaze is still on Todd. "You know, the Brian, Gretchen story is so huge, no one seemed to notice Todd and RTS broke up." I try to justify my thoughts of breaking the deal.

  "That's probably because most people didn't know they were together in the first place." Shane laughs.

  "Doubtful." I know that isn’t true, but it would make things easier.

  "It's not like PDA is one of Todd's favorite pastimes," Shane says matter of factly.

  "Hey, look who he's talking to." I squint my eyes to make sure I’m right, and sure enough, it’s Johnny, Shane's new interest. Shane has a smile full of guilt.

  "Spill it Shane."

  "There's nothing to spill." He shrugs innocently.

  "I can tell that's not true." I’m not going to let him get away without giving me details.

  Shane gazes down at the floor and speaks so softly I have to strain to hear him. "I think he's cute."

  "And…"

  He looks back up at me with his lips squeezed together like he can't allow himself to say any more.

  "Come on, you didn't let me get away with any secrets."

  "That's not exactly true, is it?" Shane crosses his arms in front of his chest, gaining confidence. He understands why I didn't tell him about Brian and Gretchen, but he obviously has no problem using it whenever it is convenient.

  "Okay, but that was different. It wasn't my secret." I can tell I have him there, he can't argue with that. “Plus, you owe me. I still can’t believe you told Todd I liked him.”

  “I owe you? I’m sorry, let’s think about this for one second. I’m pretty sure you owe me.” Shane glances back down the hall toward Todd and smiles. “He would have never known if it wasn’t for me. Actually, I’m still waiting for my thank you.”

  I raise my eyebrows. “Okay, enough stalling; spill it, Shane.”

  He gives me a look that says he knows he isn’t going to get away without giving me something then he takes a deep breath. "Well, let's just say I know he doesn't like girls."

  "Yeah, I knew that already. Give me something new. Like how do you know he doesn't like girls?"

  After a few minutes of watching Shane debate internally he finally speaks. "Okay," he says as if I’m forcing him to speak against his will. "How do you know Todd likes girls?"

  "What?" I'm so confused. What kind of confessional is this? I want details not riddles. I’m starting to get irritated.

  "How do you know Todd likes girls?" he repeats it again, emphasizing the word "know".

  “Oooooh! Shane Michael Thomas, you kissed him?" I exclaim in a whisper as I punch him in the arm. His face immediately turns bright red and I know I am right. I’ve never seen Shane really blush before. "I cannot believe you kissed him and you didn't tell me," I continue to whisper loudly, trying hard to make sure no one else hears this conversation, but not letting any details slip away.

  "Well, a lot happened that night and it's not like I was getting a Todd play by play." Shane folds his arms across his chest again.

  "Okay, you have a point, it was a crazy night. I'll give you one pass, but don't you ever keep something that big from me again!" I reach to give him one more good playful punch in the arm.

  "Same for you!" He laughs as he tries to avoid a direct hit. He makes it clear he isn’t going to forget how much happened before he found out about Todd, but in my defense, everything that night was a whirlwind and none of us were in the best state of mind.

  "How was it? I want details.”

  "It was incredible. It solidified everything I already knew about myself.” He smiles. It is so great to see Shane with such a genuine smile on his face. “I do have more news," he says, looking guilty.

  My eyes get huge. "What else did you do?"

  Shane pushes my arm. "Not that! Geez, Ashley!” He lowers his voice, “Johnny is going to fill in for Brian in the big game."

  "Wow. Really? That's huge! He's only a sophomore."

  "I know."

  "Wait, they know Brian can't play for sure?"

  "Well, the doctors told his parents there's no way since it's so soon, but he doesn't know yet. In fact, no one does except the coaches, so don't say anything. I think the coaches want the team to see Johnny play first before they break the news. They think the team will take it better if they see how good he is."

  "And Johnny told you?" I smile, knowing that if he trusts Shane with that information he must feel the same way about him.

  Shane looks back down at the floor and drags his foot along the stained carpet. A guilty smile spreads across his face. He doesn’t need to say anything, his grin says it all. I feel a flutter of joy. I just want Shane to be happy. He’s been depressed for so long since Roger's accident and his parents’ divorce.

  I glance back down the hallway at Todd, who is still talking to Johnny, but I notice his eyes wandering in my direction. When our eyes meet, I feel my heart rate increase and the blood rush to my cheeks. Wow, I'm bad at playing it cool. He smiles at me and I squeeze my hands into fists tightly, I feel my fingernails pressing into my palms. I have to do everything in my power not to run down there, push Johnny to the ground, and jump in Todd's arms.

  "I'll meet you after practice," he mouths to me.

  "Okay," I mouth back, still feeling the flush across my cheeks.

  Watching practice takes on a whole new meaning now that I no longer need to keep my feelings for Todd hidden, since both Sid and Shane know the truth. I can now openly stare at him without making excuses. Although, it is still a little awkward talking to Sid, so I internalize most of my ”what a cute butt” comments.

  “Ash, I’m so glad we both have boyfriends. We should totally double date,” Sid says as she waves to Simon out on the field. The band is in the middle of playing a song, but Simon still waves back and almost drops his trombone.

  I purse my lips and give her a questioning look. She pauses to think about it for a second.

  “Actually, that might be weird. I mean, I love my brother and I love you and I love that you are both together, but I’m not sure I’m ready to make out in front of him.” She smiles a mischievous smile.

  I almost spit out my water. “Good point.” Here I am thinking it’d be strange for her to see Todd and me together, but that doesn’t seem to bother her. Sid never ceases to amaze me. I can’t say the same for Ryan. Oh well, he’s just going to have to get used to it. I smile to myself at that thought.

  Coach cuts practice short so people can make it to the hospital in time for visiting hours. The big game is too soon to cancel practice completely and Johnny needs to get in the groove with the rest of the team. Although he has been the back-up quarterback all year, Brian played every play in every game so Johnny really hasn’t had any time on the field during games. Shane is right, though, he is really good. Ryan seems to be in sync with him already.

  Once practice is over the entire team heads to the hospital, even the coaches. I ride to the hospital with Todd since we don’t need to keep up the charade in front of Ryan. My heart is pounding as we get in the car. It is the first time we’ve been this close to one another since the hospital. Todd squeezes my knee and smiles his exquisite smile. I grin back; it is so good to feel his touch and smell his scent. His hair is still wet from his shower after practice, so it’s hanging lower into his aqua eyes.

  "I missed you today." His eyes are full of sincerity.

  "I know, I missed you, too." I half smile back, knowing this is all my fault. I can't help second-guessing the plan as we stare at each other longingly.

  "Are we going to actually drive?" Sid pokes her head between the seats and interrupts our moment. I almost forgot Sid and Shane are in the backseat. Todd sighs and puts the car into drive.

  ***

  As we are walking into the hospital, Blythe is walking out and I gesture for the rest of them to go ahead of me.

  "Hey! You came. How'd it go?" I as
k, trying to read her expression.

  "It was good. Brian and I worked a lot of things out." She kicks a pebble on the concrete sidewalk. "It's just hard to see him like that, you know? He's usually so tough, like nothing can stop him."

  "You should've seen him before," I say, only half joking.

  "It just makes you realize how breakable we all are," Blythe says, unfazed by my attempt at a joke. I can tell seeing Brian has really affected her. I guess I’m numb to the reality of it.

  "He's going to be okay," I say, trying to lighten the mood.

  She looks up at the sky and starts quickly blinking to suppress the tears that are welling up. Then her eyes make their way back down to the pebble she was kicking earlier. "Sorry, Ash," she says as she wipes her tears away with the back of her hand.

  "Don't worry about it. You should've seen me, I was a wreck." I smile as I reach out and hug her.

  “I don't even know how you dealt with everything.”

  “I didn’t really. Todd was incredible. He was my rock.”

  Blythe squints her eyes with realization as she shields them from the sun with her hand. "I thought there wasn't a ‘we’?"

  I just smile at her. “There isn’t.” I continue to smile.

  “Good for you, Ash!” She nudges me with her elbow.

  “Are you okay?” I ask, I really like Blythe and I know she’s been feeling extremely guilty. There is still a tiny part of me that wishes she would have ended up with Ryan in all this, but ultimately, I just want him to be happy.

  She smiles. “Yeah, I’m good,” she says, wiping the last of her tears. “I’m happy for you.” She laughs. “And anything that sticks it to Rebecca makes me happy."

  I laugh so hard I snort and we both start laughing hysterically. It is the first time I have really laughed since the accident. It feels incredibly good. I can’t stop. We are laughing so hard that I actually think I’m going to pee myself.

  Once I finally make it into the hospital, the visit is quick and crowded since the entire football team is trying to cram into Brian’s room at once; so I spend most of my time in the hallway, but it is still good to see him looking like him again.

  “He looks so much better,” I say as we walk back to Todd’s car. “It’s amazing what a difference two days can make.”

  Todd grins and then leans down to whisper in my ear, “I really want to kiss you right now.” He takes me so off guard, I feel the blood rush to my cheeks instantly. I look up at him and smile as he rests his hand on the small of my back. “Come back to my house.” My heart is beating at double speed. I quickly look over at Sid out of habit and then remember she knows about us. Although our parents don’t yet, but maybe today is the day.

  “Okay,” flies out of my mouth. I’m not sure where this is going to lead, but I’m ready for the journey as long as we are in it together.

  ***

  We walk into Todd’s house holding hands. His mom is in the kitchen and when she sees us, she practically drops the container of orange juice she is holding. Sid walks passed us, shaking her head and rolling her eyes as she enters the kitchen.

  "Hi, guys," Mrs. Hamilton says, but it isn’t a true hello, it is filled with questions.

  Todd being Todd is honest and to the point. "Mom, Ash and I are together." There’s nothing like ripping off the Band-Aid.

  I don’t even have time to freak out. His mom instantly pulls me in for a hug and smiles a really genuine smile. "Well, Ash has always been part of this family, it will be great to see more of her." I can tell there is so much more she wants to ask, but Todd has definitely inherited his cool, laid back attitude from her, so she ends it there. My mom isn’t going to be this easy.

  Before I know it, we are in Todd’s room. He is leaning back against his headboard, strumming his guitar, playing Right The Stars’ "I Give it All".

  "We hate the game, but we love to play, rewrite my words, then you run away, and I give it all, I give it all, I give it all to you."

  The lyrics, his voice, it is all extraordinary. I’ve seen him do this a million times when I was here visiting Sid, but I’ve never been alone with him while he does it. I sit on his bed and my eyes scan his room, taking it all in. It's been years since I’ve been in here. He has the same wood furniture he’s always had; it is definitely worn in. His closet is much neater than mine. He always wears jeans and t-shirts or thermal shirts in the winter and they are all neatly arranged. I see a few button down shirts; I’d love to see him in one of those. His letterman jacket hangs on one of his bedposts. He has shelves lined with trophies and medals from all the sports he’s played and a bulletin board filled with old pictures of him with Ryan and Brian. It is clear he hasn’t updated them in years; they must be twelve or thirteen in those pictures. He has tons of different band posters lining his walls and ceiling; everything from The Beatles to Sick Puppies. His walls look like my iPod.

  I watch his fingers move along his Gibson acoustic guitar as he strums each note with such precision. The way he holds his guitar, I can tell he cherishes it. I remember when he worked all summer mowing lawns to buy it with his own money a few years ago. His touch is so gentle, just like when he touches my face. Firm yet gentle. I lie back on the foot of his bed and close my eyes to absorb the music. I’m not nervous; it feels right being here in his room. I picture him touching me the way he is touching his guitar and I smile.

  “What are you smiling about over there?” he asks.

  “Nothing.” I shrug my shoulders returning his grin. “It sounds really beautiful when you play.”

  He places the guitar down and comes over to the foot of the bed. “Oh, really?” He raises his eyebrows and his crystal blue eyes are locked onto mine. His fingers start moving over my hair just as they’ve been moving over the strings of his guitar. “I think you are beautiful,” he says, his eyes still locked on mine. I feel my chest rise and fall as my breathing gets faster with excitement. He leans in and kisses me.

  It is just as soft and gentle as he played. I kiss him back and his teeth graze my lower lip as he slowly pulls away. “You really are beautiful,” he repeats as his kisses move toward my ear. I can feel his featherlike breath on my neck and it tickles, I can’t help giggling. He lets his lips browse my earlobe and his warm breath caresses my skin.

  I can’t believe we are doing this and his parents are downstairs and Sid is in the next room!

  “I don’t like our plan anymore. I can’t stand being away from you at school,” he whispers in my ear, his warm breath makes it hard to concentrate on what he is saying.

  I close my eyes. I know he is right and I don’t want to keep up the charade any more than he does. “I know, it was so hard to see you down the hall and not really talk to you.”

  “I wanted to hold your hand,” he says as he intertwines his fingers with mine.

  “I wanted to kiss you.” I move my lips back to his. I can feel his soft skin on my chin.

  “So can we please stop with the charade?” he pleads in-between kisses.

  I pull away and shut my eyes. I want to say no, but I know how hard today has been and I don’t want to go through that again. I squeeze my eyelids shut tighter. “Okay. You were right. It was a bad idea.”

  He takes a deep breath. “Thank you,” he says, kissing me again. “Now we should probably stop or I’m not going to be able to.” He pushes up on his hands to sit back up.

  “Oh, you play dirty!” I say, realizing what he’s done. “I can’t believe I fell for that.”

  He smiles a devious smile and shakes his head, "Oh, that was all real, Miss Taylor, trust me.” His hot breath touches my neck again.

  Just then, there is a knock on the door. “Can I have my friend back?” We hear Sid from the other side of the door and we both laugh.

  “Come in, Sid,” Todd says, rolling his eyes playfully at me. My heart flutters every time I look into his eyes. Every time.

  ***

  Ryan is there to greet me as soon as I get home. "Mom kn
ows," he speaks low and his voice is full of joy. My heart sinks into my stomach. I look up at him with doubt; maybe he is just messing with me. "Mrs. H called." My heart sinks further; it has to be true, how else would he know Todd's mom knows? He smiles; I can tell he can't wait for this show. I wish Todd were here, it's not fair I have to go through this one alone.

  "Hi, Mom!" I keep thinking that if I act completely normal and don’t bring it up, maybe she won’t either.

  “Is there something you'd like to tell me?" My mom crosses her arms and smiles, she's been waiting for this.

  "Nope." I grab an iced tea out of the refrigerator on second thought I better say something. "Well, I had an awesome day at school." I shrug and kiss her cheek; I am really laying it on thick, maybe too thick. "And Brian looks great, so much better."

  "Ashley?" My mom uses the tone, I know when my parents use this tone there is no getting out of it. "Is there something else you'd like to tell me?" The look all over my mom's face says she knows. "I saw you both at the hospital, you know. I knew something was up, I just wanted to give you some time."

  I glance over at Ryan who is standing in the doorway of our kitchen. He isn’t going to miss this. Jerk! "Come on, Ash Bug, honesty is the best policy,” he says with a ridiculous grin on his face.

  I take a deep breath and think, here goes nothing. "I really like him, Mom."

  My mom smiles. "For how long?"

  I just look at her and smile.

  "That long, huh?" She knows by my lack of answer it has been a while. "Todd is a good kid." She lowers her voice, "And he is pretty cute." She smiles again and winks at me.