“He was okay. Just a little shaken up.” I stopped there. I didn’t want to share any of Ziggy’s secrets with him or anyone else, but something had to be said in explanation. He did see for himself how Ziggy acted.
Jonathan nodded with a mix of sympathy and indifference. I couldn’t blame him.
“I missed what happened,” he stated and then left the carefully unasked questions hanging for me to deal with.
Great. Leave it to me to dig my own hole; how kind of him.
“Nothing much. Something triggered a bad memory for him, and he wanted to leave. That’s all.”
Jonathan nodded but kept his lips closed and his intense stare on me, forcing me to fill the silence with yet more information I didn’t want to give.
“I had to go after him and make sure he was okay. I’m sorry for running off like that.”
“It’s fine,” he waved me off. “He needed a friend. I get it.”
I smiled, grateful that he was being so nice about the whole thing, and the guilt got the better of me. “Look, I’m sorry. I should have grown some balls and come alone. It wasn’t fair of me to bring my security blanket. But I warned you that I don’t date, and I just—”
“Bea, it’s fine.” Jonathan reached out and put his hand over mine, and I simply stared at it. “You warned me. I pushed anyway,” he laughed. “I guess now the question is, do I keep pushing or admit defeat?” He leaned across the table. “Spoiler alert,” he whispered, “I never admit defeat.”
I laughed reluctantly. “So, that’s me screwed then.” The devilish expression on Jonathan’s face told me I had walked right into another of his dreadful innuendos. “Don’t even!” I held up my hand to stop him.
He zipped his lip and tossed the imaginary key over his shoulder with a smirk, and I shook my head.
“What are you doing here, anyway?” It suddenly occurred to me that it was early as fuck, and, therefore, weird that we should both be here.
“Breakfast meeting with a client. I factored in some coffee time first.”
I frowned and looked at my watch. “Jesus, I’m glad I don’t have to people at this hour.”
Jonathan laughed. “I can people morning, noon and night.”
“I bet you can,” I said sardonically.
“So, listen, I want to take you out,” he said out of nowhere. “I’ll be a perfect gentleman. You don’t need to bring your friend to protect you. Just you and me. What do you say?”
I studied him, amazed that I was even brave enough to meet his eye. “Look, I—”
“Don’t do the whole I-don’t-date thing, or the I’m-really-busy-with-work thing, or the I-have-a-friend-who-needs-me-right-now thing. Don’t do anything but say you’ll think about it. Actually, give it some real consideration. Nice guy,” he points at himself. “Likes you and wants to see you again despite all the obstacles you keep throwing at him. Think about it. I’ll wait.”
I couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up. He had this way of doing that, making me smile when I was trying to close off. I couldn’t tell him no, so I did the only other thing I could.
I told him I’d think about it.
When I got back to the office, Mel hadn’t arrived yet, which was a good thing. I wasn’t looking forward to telling her that there was a chance I’d lost us our Starman. A couple of the programmers were at their desks, but, otherwise, I was alone. I was torn between going straight to work or delaying the inevitable and going back upstairs for a while until the day had really started.
Then I noticed the small yellow star in the centre of my desk. My stomach flipped, and I looked around furtively, but there was no sign of Ziggy other than his calling card. Had it been sitting there already, and I hadn’t noticed? Or had he come back? I hardly dared hope.
I looked across at his desk, but nothing was switched on. Maybe I was being too hopeful. Regardless, I checked the meeting room, the kitchen and even stuck my head in the toilets. That earned me a weird look from the programmers.
“Have you seen Ziggy this morning?” I asked them.
“Not yet,” they shrugged, but it was obvious they hadn’t been paying attention.
Without missing a beat, I jogged upstairs to check the game zone, and with a sigh of disappointment at its emptiness, I decided to lay low in the flat for a bit after all.
I jumped out of my skin when I found Ziggy sitting at my kitchen table, drinking a coffee from one of my mugs.
“Holy shit! You scared me,” I gasped.
“Sorry,” he said flatly. I couldn’t get a read on him at all.
“What are you doing up here?”
Ziggy shrugged. “You have better coffee than the staff kitchen.”
I laughed at his matter-of-fact statement. At the fact that I couldn’t gauge his mood at all. At the fact that he came back. It was relief and tension all rolled into one. “I owe you an apology,” I blurted as I took the seat opposite him. “I— I shouldn’t have…pushed you…I’m sorry.”
Ziggy didn’t lift his eyes from his mug, so I nudged his knee under the table.
“I’m really glad you came back,” I said softly.
That got his attention. His head came up, and there was a look of shock on his face. “What do you mean?”
I lifted one shoulder, questioning my doubt now. “I wasn’t sure you’d want to come back after…”
“You thought I’d want to stop working here because of one conversation?”
“I thought…I thought if you didn’t want to see me again—” I stopped myself. His surprise just intensified my guilt.
“You thought I didn’t want to see you again? Really, Bea?”
“I—” Damnit. Yes, I had thought that, and on top of that there was now guilt that I didn’t have any faith. “I upset you. I just assumed.” I wasn’t helping myself at all.
“I was upset. I wasn’t upset with you. I just needed to clear my head. Damn, Sparkles. Not seeing you again was never even an option.”
My face warmed. I didn’t know what to say. I was such an arsehole for thinking that would be it. What did that say about me? I guess it said that I don’t make lasting connections with anyone anymore, and I let people go far too easily to protect myself. It was partly him too, though. Not only did I have to take my issues into consideration, his were even worse. I just assumed that, combined, our problems would spell a quick and clean end to this fledgling partnership. After all, he never really wanted the job…
“I’m sorry if I made you think I wouldn’t come back.”
“You don’t have to apologise. It’s me who should be sorry. I’m just glad you’re here.” I nudged his knee again and managed to pull a tiny, almost imperceptible smile from his lips. “Why are you drinking my coffee, though? It’s only for emergencies. Starbucks is open, you know,” I informed him with a smirk.
“I know. I went there first. I didn’t want to interrupt the hand holding.”
My heart sank. Bollocks. Of all the moments for him to witness, that would have been my absolute last choice. “Oh, I just bumped into Jonathan by chance. He asked if he could join me. I felt bad because I ran out on him on Saturday night, you know?” I stopped my rambling. Why did I feel like I’d betrayed him because Jonathan had touched me? I didn’t plan it.
“You don’t have to explain, Sparkles. It just looked like you were having a moment, so I didn’t want to interrupt.”
Why did I sense something in the way he said he didn’t want to interrupt? Maybe he was judging me. Maybe he thinks I shouldn’t be even talking to Jonathan because I shouldn’t move on from Lewis, just like he won’t move on from Steph. It made me want to explain even more. “He had an early meeting and saw me sitting there. We weren’t holding hands. He just touched mine, that’s all.”
Ziggy laughed but there was no humour there at all. “It’s okay to touch someone, Bea. You were right. We both have to move on with our lives.”
Did I say that? I didn’t think I said that at all. I wanted him to stop punishing himself fo
r what had happened to Steph. I didn’t think I said we both had to move on. Moving on wasn’t something you could simply decide to do. As I was discovering, it was something that subtly crept up on you.
“No, Zig, I—”
“This is good, Sparkles. If you feel ready to start dating, you should do it. He seems like an alright guy to me. It’s time to move on. You’re ready; maybe one day I will be too.”
I opened my mouth and then closed it again. I didn’t even know where to begin with how wrong he’d got things, but there wasn’t a lot I could say when my denial could only be backed up with my unwelcome feelings towards him. Ziggy didn’t know how I was feeling about him, and I intended to keep it that way. If anything was going to make him run away for real, it was me falling for him. He wouldn’t want that. He was strictly my friend, the first real friend I’d let myself have since Lewis.
“I just want you to stop punishing yourself, that’s all,” I croaked pathetically.
“I’ll try,” Ziggy murmured. Then he swigged the last of his coffee and put down the mug. “So, are you going to see wonder boy again?” His tone was a complete turnaround. He sounded bright and cheerful, and I didn’t buy it for a minute. Clearly, the deep and meaningful part of the conversation was over.
“He asked me to think about it, but I don’t know,” I admitted. Jonathan was an easy cover to use for my mood today, so I was taking it.
Ziggy stared at me for a long moment, then shrugged. “You should go out with him. What harm can it do?”
I frowned, wishing I knew what was going on inside his head.
He mistook my silence for doubt about dating again and gave me an extra nudge. “Give the guy a chance, Bea,” he said brightly. “He might be good for you.”
Good for me? What in the world did Ziggy Jones know about what was good for me? He wouldn’t know good for me if he saw it in the mirror!
Chapter Fifteen
“Charlie! How’s my favourite brother?” I laughed in greeting.
“Max is fine. He says hi,” he retorts.
I love telling him that his husband is actually my preferred brother when we both know I would be lost without my real flesh-and-blood sibling.
“Dad sent up the Bea-signal, should I be worried?” he asked in his no-nonsense way.
I huffed. “I shouldn’t be surprised, but this is quick work, even for him.”
“He said you sounded down. It’s been a while since he’s been worried about you, so it was a code-red. You know how he is when it comes to his baby girl. Now, I, on the other hand, am not fooled by your daddy’s girl act, so spit it out. SOS or stand down? I don’t care one way or the other, Trixie; I have my own shit going on here.” His words said he couldn’t care less, but the warmth in his voice made them lies.
“You arse!” I giggled. “You do too, care.”
“Whatever,” he grumbled. “What’s the deal, Trix? He’s worried and breathing down my neck about it. I told him I’d little brother the shit out of you until you gave up and confessed all. How about you save us both some time and just tell me all your worries?”
My chuckle died in my throat. He’s the one person I could tell. Mel would lose it, Dad would cry that my feelings hadn’t been completely broken forever. Mum would start thinking I was going to get married or some nonsense. Charlie was the only person who would listen and not judge or overreact. I glanced up, and Ziggy was watching me. My heart started banging.
“Trix?” Charlie urged. “I take it there is something to tell, then?”
“Uh…yeah. Give me a sec.”
I looked at Ziggy, pointed at the phone in my hand, and indicated I was going to take my call upstairs. Then I cringed as I realised how odd and awkward that looked. Still, the damage was done.
“I’m just heading upstairs,” I told Charlie quietly as I climbed the stairs.
“Blimey, this must be juicy!” he said with glee.
“Oh, shut your face,” I grumbled, closing the door to the flat behind me, then after a second thought, turning the lock so that there was no way what I was about to tell him could be overheard by anyone who came looking for me. For good measure, I went into my bedroom and shut that door too. Finally, I decided to move into the bathroom and lock that door as well.
I was ridiculous, but I could hardly believe what I was about to say, and I needed to let it out in an enclosed environment.
“Soooo….?”
“Fuck, Charlie. I don’t know!” I dropped the lid of the toilet down and sat.
“Just start at the beginning and don’t miss a single detail. I take it the whole ‘work problems’ line was just what you told dad to make him go away?”
“Yeah, kinda,” I admitted. “I mean, there is work stuff too. I guess that’s how this all started, but it’s way more complicated than that now.”
“Okay, just tell me what happened,” he said patiently.
“I hired this guy. He’s—” I stopped myself from going into detail about Ziggy’s identity because I didn’t want to shift Charlie’s focus away from my problems. “He’s seriously talented, and we need him.”
I took a breath because that wasn’t quite where the story should start. “I met him, by chance, a few weeks ago. Bumped into him, literally. Threw my coffee all over him and everything. We got talking, and I hired him. That’s the short version.”
“Why am I getting a hint of longing in the way you’re telling me this Trix?” There was way too much intrigue in the way he asked, and I wanted to tell him I’d changed my mind and didn’t want to talk about it anymore. But I had to talk to someone or I was going to drive myself crazy.
“Because I think maybe I like him,” I whispered.
“Oh my god,” Charlie gasped.
“Okay, Charlie. I know,” I cautioned. “But it gets worse trust me. Before I met him, like right before, I was in Starbucks, and this other guy…he sort of chatted me up.”
“Oh my.”
“It was ridiculous, Charlie. I was wearing a dress and high heels, and he—”
“Wait, wait, wait! You were wearing a dress?”
“It was red.” I pushed my face into the palm of my hand and sighed.
“Forget everything else you just said. YOU bought a dress?”
“And heels, yeah. I had a meeting, and Mel made me, so shut up!”
“Who are you, and what have you done with my sister?”
“Ha ha.”
“So, there was a RED dress, heels…colour?”
“Black.”
“Shock,” he groaned. “And not one, but two guys? Am I following?”
“Yes,” I said wearily.
“She’s met someone?” I heard Max yell in the background after I finished recounting the entire debacle to Charlie.
“Two someones, actually, now piss off,” Charlie told him, and I could hear shoving.
“I didn’t—” my weak protest was cut off.
“Come and see us this weekend, Trix. I want all the details,” Max called out from further away.
“That’s actually a good idea, but don’t tell him I said that.”
“I heard you!” Max’s now distant voice rang out.
“Jesus,” he huffed. “Okay, he’s gone. Continue.”
“So, I’m in Starbucks dressed like a clown and this guy, who I’d seen before multiple times, suddenly notices me because I’m dressed all fancy. Before I know what’s happening, he sex fogs me and buys my coffee.”
“The bastard!”
“I know, right?”
“Wait, sex fog?”
“You know, looks amazing, smells amazing, overloads your senses with his amazingness to disarm you and moves in for the kill. Kind of like a smoke grenade but with CK One.”
“Got it.”
I smiled. He always did get my nonsense.
“Anyway, so he leaves.”
“Sex fog guy?”
“Jonathan, yeah. He leaves, and then I leave and bump into Ziggy.”
“M
r. Seriously Talented?”
“Yes.”
Charlie listened patiently while I filled him in on all the details of how I got myself into this situation.
“So, now you like Ziggy, who isn’t available, and not Jonathan, who is?”
“Oh, it’s so complicated. This is why I stay inside! I don’t know how to feel! I haven’t done it in so long! But yes, I do feel something for Ziggy, and I feel terrible about it.”
“Why?”
“Because he has his own grief to deal with, it’s the last thing he wants.”
“You sure about that?”
“One hundred percent sure.”
“Okay,” he sounded skeptical, but he doesn’t see life how Ziggy and I see it. It’s different for him. “This Jonathan guy is a no-go, then?”
I thought for a moment. “I enjoy his company, he’s charming and funny. He’s…hot, I guess you kids would call it.”
Charlie laughed. “Damn if you think he’s hot he must be knock you down dead hot.”
“He’s like a walking embodiment of what you get when you go on Pinterest and type in ‘suit porn’” I sighed.
“Good lord. Can you bring him when you visit?”
“Focus Charlie!”
“Sorry. So he’s hot but you don’t feel it?”
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel. I definitely feel like he’s attractive and he sets my pulse racing. I don’t know if that’s enough, but he keeps persisting. He wants me to go out to dinner with him.”
“Then go! You haven’t dated someone new in a decade; don’t you think you should accept a date when offered, if you enjoy the person’s company? That’s what is supposed to happen. You don’t generally just stumble into ‘The One.’ It’s okay to go on a few dates you know. Kiss a few hot guys.”
“What’s the point in that, though? He’s going to want more, and I can’t give it to him.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
“Can’t.”
“And you could with Ziggy?”
I huffed. “Maybe. Perhaps I only think I could because I know it won’t ever happen. It’s no risk to admit I have feelings when that door is firmly closed. I won’t have to get dependent on someone I might lose in the end.”
Lucky Scars Page 12