I could feel the tension building through my whole body, and he was trembling with the effort not to let go.
“I’m so close,” I whispered.
Ziggy ground his hips against mine once more, and we both exploded.
Drowning in pleasure, we each rode out our climax. Hot and sweaty, Ziggy still half clothed and me gloriously naked, we rocked together until the last waves of pleasure had subsided. Even after that, we stayed joined and holding each other.
I never wanted to let go.
That had just changed everything.
We had moved on to the next level, our stars scattered all around us lighting our way.
I only hoped he didn’t have regrets.
He was still quiet once his breathing had evened out, and I was just starting to worry that he was freaking out when he lifted his head and spoke. “I still have my shoes on,” he chuckled.
I laughed, and he cursed.
“Fuck, Sparkles. Do that again.”
I laughed harder, elated that he wasn’t pulling away from me or running back behind his impenetrable indifference where I would never reach him.
He was here in the moment with me, and I was so happy my face hurt.
He kissed me, long and deep, and all doubts I had evaporated.
“I owe you at least an hour of pleasure as soon as I can function again. I’m sorry.” He pulled gently out of me and lifted his sweaty body off mine. “That was pathetic.”
“Oh thanks!” I laughed.
“Not you, you were amazing. I, on the other hand, have the stamina of a sixteen-year-old virgin in a strip club.” He rolled himself to a seat on the edge of the bed, his jeans still around his mid-thigh, and he started to take off his shoes. “I’m really sorry about that.”
I sat up and knelt behind him, kissing his bare shoulder and then his neck. “It’s been a while for both of us, Zig.”
“A while?” he scoffed. “That’s an understatement.” He kicked off his other shoe and wriggled out of his jeans, choosing to leave on his boxer briefs. Then he turned and pulled me into his arms.
“I know; it’s not the same on your own,” I agreed, kissing him lightly.
Something passed over Ziggy’s face that I couldn’t place, and I frowned. “What?”
He hesitated. “Nothing.”
I studied him, and then it hit me. “Oh. My. God! You haven’t even done—anything?”
He winced and didn’t need to say the words to confirm my suspicions.
“How have you managed ten years without…” I tilted my head towards where we just did the deed among the messed-up sheets, “even just you and your hand.”
Ziggy shrugged.
I shook my head in disbelief. I had suspected he hadn’t been with anyone else, but he’d denied himself literally everything! It was too shocking to comprehend. “That’s crazy.”
It made me think, though…Why wasn’t he freaking out? If he’d denied himself every pleasure and comfort for the last ten years, why was he so relaxed about what we just did? I watched him closely for a moment. He seemed so at peace. “Zig, are you okay?”
“Yeah.” He pulled me back down to the pillows and settled me on his chest. “Why?”
“Because…” I let the word hang there. I didn’t know if I should put it into words. I didn’t want to give him ideas.
After a few moments of silence, he nudged me. “Because?”
I squirmed, regretting my haste. “It’s kind of a big deal, what we just did.”
“I know,” he said calmly.
“Are you having regrets?”
“Me? No. Why, are you?” he sounded surprised.
“Not at all.”
“Good.” He stroked his thumb over my back and sighed contentedly.
It only served to make me more nervous. “Are you freaking out?” I blurted.
“What do you mean?”
“I was kind of expecting you to be too hard on yourself for taking what you wanted instead of denying it like you do everything else, but you seem fine. And don’t take that the wrong way. I’m not judging you. I think it’s amazing. I guess I’m just curious why you seem so relaxed about something so huge?” I was rambling. I think it was kind of obvious I was freaking out a little myself, but I’d lived with feelings I never planned to act on specifically because I thought it would freak him out and wreck things. Now here we were, post-coital, and he’s cool as a freaking cucumber.
Ziggy laughed. It rumbled against my ear and shook his body. “Come here,” he insisted and pulled me up higher on his chest. “Listen,” he whispered.
In the silence, I heard his heart hammering in his chest.
“You hear that?” he asked.
“Yeah.”
“Is that freaked out enough for you?” He lifted my face so I’d look at him and smiled.
“It’s a start,” I chuckled.
“Note to self—must try harder to freak out,” he laughed.
“You just broke a ten-year vow of celibacy, Zig.”
He rolled his eyes. “It wasn’t a vow; it was simply a…rearranging of personal priorities.”
I scoffed. “And you just said, ‘Screw it!’ to have sex with me?” I couldn’t believe how simple it seemed to be.
He closed his eyes and smiled. “I’m not sorry. I just had sex with you.”
“How are you handling this so calmly?”
I knew as soon as the smirk crept onto his face I wasn’t going to get a straight answer. “Because I just had sex with you.”
“Be serious!” I smacked his chest. He grabbed my wrist and flipped us so that he was back on top.
“Seriously,” he said, trying to keep his face straight and kissing me lightly. “I think you’re missing the point here. I just had sex with you!”
I let out an exasperated huff. “But five minutes ago, you were asking me to forget I saw those messages.”
“Can we say ten minutes ago, for the sake of my pride?”
“You know what I mean.”
“Sparkles, ten minutes ago, I thought you’d never want me this way. Everything is different now. You said you love me; you can’t take it back.”
“I won’t take it back.”
“Good.” He kissed my forehead tenderly.
“But—”
“Okay, fine. You want serious, Sparkles? Here it is…I’m terrified, okay? I’m afraid you’ll realise that you’re too good for me or see that there are a million men better for you than me. I’m scared that I won’t be able to make you happy, or—” he swallowed hard and took a breath, “or protect you when you need me to.”
I offered him a sympathetic smile.
“I’m petrified I’ll fuck things up and lose the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but I’m so much more frightened of how my life will end up if I don’t try. I don’t want to end up like my dad, Bea, and that’s where I was headed in the long run. I didn’t see it until I met you. You pulled me out of the hole I was in, made me come to work and do the people thing, gave me friendship so unconditionally I didn’t know how to handle it at first. I didn’t feel worthy. But that’s just you, isn’t it? So loving and giving. All Sparkly. You’ve put your sparkle in my life, and it’s everywhere now. I can’t get it off me. You sparkle for everyone but yourself, and you don’t even realise.
“Since I met you, all I’ve wanted to do is be the light for you. Help you be happy any way I can. I took the job just to see the smile on your beautiful face. I moved all my stuff to the studio just so that I could be around you as much as possible. I listened to you talk about seeing another guy because I thought it was your best chance to be happy. I would do anything—anything—if I thought it would make you happy.”
A tear rolled down my cheek and he stroked it away.
“I’m not calm. I’m a mess on the inside, but, damn, does it feel good. I’ve been dead inside for so long; it feels amazing to be scared shitless about you.”
I was speechless. No one had ever la
id themselves so open to me before. Could this really be happening? Could he really overcome so much just to be with me? Could I really risk loving him and then losing him?
I didn’t really have a choice, did I? I was too far gone.
“Talk to me,” he insisted astutely. “Tell me your fears.”
I sniffed. “I’m just afraid our scars will break us.” That’s what it boiled down to. I was afraid that we were both too broken to fix each other.
“Our scars make us who we are.” He wiped another tear with his thumb. “They’ve taken so long to heal for a reason, and I think our reason was this moment. We were waiting for each other, and we didn’t know it.”
“You think?” I croaked.
Ziggy shrugged. “Why not? Maybe we were always meant to be, whether it was from the moment you scalded me with your ‘favourite’ coffee, right now, or when we’re old and grey.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at his dig at Jonathan.
“Maybe our scars kept us from moving on, so that we could find each other. Perhaps we should be grateful for them. Maybe they are our lucky scars.”
My tears continued to fall as I let his words fill me with hope.
“And no, I still don’t think I deserve it, but I think I’ve done my time. I think even Steph would tell me not to be an idiot and miss my chance with you.”
He paused and stared into my eyes. I was so overcome with emotion, I couldn’t say anything.
“I love you, Bea.” he told me earnestly.
My heart swelled. “That’s the first time you’ve said the words out loud.” I grinned as more tears fell.
“I know.” He grinned back.
“I liked it. Do it again.”
“I love you,” he whispered. He brushed his lips over mine.
“Again,” I whispered back.
“I love you,” he breathed.
“I love you too.”
And as his lips pressed to mine, I thanked my lucky scars.
Epilogue
“Come on, we are going to be late!” Ziggy called up the stairs.
“Coming,” I yelled back, lifting Lewis onto my hip.
“Let’s go get some pancakes, shall we?” I poked his pudgy belly and he squealed with delight. We stopped in the doorway of Stephanie’s room and I smiled. She was hunched over her desk, scribbling on the large sketch book she loved so much. She was so much like her daddy, always lost in her ideas. Even at the tender age of three, she had an obvious talent, and Ziggy was determined to give her the encouragement he never had so that she could flourish.
I was so proud of him and what he had overcome, but some damage could never be reversed, so Ziggy did everything in his power to give our children the love and support he always lacked.
Neither of us had ever thought we would have a family of our own. But when I found out I was pregnant with Stephie within weeks of us realizing we were in love, we were both over the moon. Lewis came along almost a year ago and completed the Jones family. Ziggy would have another if I let him, but I was turning thirty-six when we started, and we definitely haven’t got younger since then. Besides, we had things perfect. We couldn’t fit anything else in.
When we launched Lucky Stars, we landed on the map with a bang. Reaching our full potential without selling out had been easy from then on. A Hollywood studio recently optioned Starboy and Sparkles for a movie. Whether it will ever be made is another thing entirely, but it’s a huge honour and a major boost to our visibility.
After our Lucky Stars app series broke all records and became a household name, Ziggy’s brand went through the roof, and we realized that, in order for it to add its full value to our own brand, he had to be accessible to others. So, he began taking commissions again at the end of our year.
It was easier once we moved out of the city. Ziggy heads the creative team he hand-selected at our Surrey studio, which is close to home, and he now has time for select commissions from other companies desperate for a taste of what the Starman can offer. We kept the tech team in London after the expansion, and Melanie manages the Soho studio and still finds the time to act as our PA.
Things turned out better than I ever dreamed. I’d wanted Ziggy to fall in love with the job and never want to leave, but he fell in love with so much more.
“Sparkles!” Ziggy demanded, impatiently.
“We’re coming!” I pulled a face at Lewis and he giggled. “Stephie, you’re going to have to finish that later, baby girl, we’re going to get pancakes.”
Her head came up and she dropped her pencil immediately. “Will Jake be there?” she asked, climbing off her chair and racing towards us excitedly.
“Everyone will be there,” I told her as we made our way downstairs. “It’s Uncle Charlie’s birthday, remember?”
“Can I ride my scooter?” she jumped up and down hopefully.
I laughed. Ziggy was already waiting in the hallway, holding her helmet.
“If you hurry and put your shoes on,” he told her.
I tucked Lewis into his pushchair while Ziggy secured her helmet, and we left on the short walk to Lady Luck’s. I loved being home again, living near to everyone I loved. I never thought I’d come back here because of the memories, but I had come to appreciate them for all they had given me. We had named our children after the people who we’d loved and lost because they had stayed with us until we were ready to love again; then they had slowly let us go.
Not every love story begins with a fiery explosion of lust. Some are tiny embers of hope that smoulder slowly until the stars align. I thought the wounds from the past would never fully heal, but perhaps they only heal when the time is right. Sometimes, you just have to thank your lucky scars. They make us who we are.
Acknowledgments
I want to mention the people who have got me through this book. It’s all too easy in this industry to take knocks and feel like giving up, but a few people always see you through those times and make you see that it was worth carrying on. These are my people. They know how much I appreciate them but it feels wrong not to thank them here, in words.
Thank you…
To Ron, for plotting with me. This might not be exactly the book we planned, but at it’s heart this story came out of that day on your sofa while the wifey cooked for us!
To Heather, for everything, always. Theres too much to write down and no words that will really do it justice anyway. But you are my person and you know it.
To Gray, for all the things. You keep my head in the game, challenge me to do better and drive me to get there. While also allowing me to change your world view on Daddy porn.
To Kelly, I knew we would make a good writer/editor team! You have always seen the real story hiding in the details of the words I send you and push me to give it life. But this time you outdid yourself. It was in there, I just needed you to demand more of me. I think this is our best work yet! You can relax now. It didn’t change a thing between us.
To my Team Heavens girls: Karen, Jo and Mishelle, you ladies rock! Thank you for all you do. And Tash, you too. I’m adding you to the team…Welcome!
To Jojo, I know you don’t really move in the book world circles, but you know your shit and you are amazing. I appreciate that you stay on the outskirts for me and are always there.
And to the Real Team Heavens, I love you.
About the Author
London born indie author, iPhone addict & general ray of sunshine, Kerry writes: sometimes sweet, sometimes not, often funny, always hot, real romance, dirty romcoms and other such smut.
www.kerryheavens.com
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