by Cecilia Lane
He didn’t back down from her. He was the bigger predator, even if she lashed out and made more noise. Distractions. “Last night—”
“A mistake,” she said over him. “It won’t happen again.”
He passed a hand over his face. His bear rattled in his cage in Nolan’s head, wanting to rip and shred every fucking thing in the world. Nothing would be left standing when the beast was done tearing the universe apart. No object deserved to exist if their mate denied them.
“We need to talk about what happened.”
A muscle ticked in her jaw. “And you think now is the time?”
Nolan reached for her hands and dragged her into the alley next to the coffee shop. “You ran out on me last night, so yes. I think now is the perfect fucking time.”
“Well?” Becca snapped and crossed her arms over her chest.
“You’ve been back for six months.” And each day had been his own personal hell.
She spoke into the air and addressed an imaginary audience. “Oh, look at that. He knows how to read a calendar, ladies and gentlemen. Let’s give him a cookie for basic skills.”
A growl rumbled in his chest but he didn’t take the bait. She liked to get mouthy to deflect. It’d landed her in hot water more times than he could count. “You pretend like I don’t exist.”
“Most people would understand what that meant.” Becca made a disgusted sound.
Nolan caged her between his arms before she had a chance to run from him again. She smelled like cinnamon and he wanted to bury his nose in the crook of her neck and drown in that scent.
“I’m not most, am I? I’m your mate.” Nolan’s eyes dipped to her neck, where she should have bore his mark. Not even the faintest discoloration existed on her skin. Their brief connection the previous night was wiped clean, almost like it never happened. Almost like they never happened.
Her eyes flashed fiery gold, and she bared her teeth at him. Her show of force didn’t stop her pulse beating a hypnotic pace under her skin. “Not now. Not anymore. You burned that bridge.”
That was his lead into the conversation they never had. He’d tried before she left and again when she returned. When those failed, he tried simply to get her to fucking acknowledge his existence. And now here was the chance to talk it over.
“You left, not me. You disappeared from Bearden. I couldn’t get anyone to give me your address or your number. You were just gone.” He swallowed his growl of irritation. “Without a word, I might add. I had to find out from your sister.”
That day was a marker in his life. There were a few of those. Pre-Becca and post: the kindergarten years. He’d always been drawn to her. The first time they slept together, that was another separation in his life and solidified his utter need of her. When she told him she was pregnant. When she disappeared. All the big events pointed back at her, but the last was the most painful. Just thinking about it felt like he’d been pummeled for days and then thrown out of a speeding truck.
“What was here for me? Huh?” She shoved at his chest and growled when he didn’t move. “It’s not like we had anything going by then. I wasn’t going to sit around and wait for you to notice me again.”
“I didn’t know what to say. After you lost the baby—”
“Our baby,” she corrected with a hiss. “And you pulled away long before that. Right around the time I found out I was pregnant, if I remember correctly.”
“I was there for every appointment—”
“You were there physically when you had to be. Mentally? You checked out, and I wasn’t going to fight for someone who wanted nothing to do with me or our child.”
“Alice,” Nolan said loudly to cut her off. Checked out? He’d have laughed in her face if he thought he could make the sound. “Her name would have been Alice, and we were going to dress her in all black from the very beginning because with parents like us, she was bound to turn away from coolness and want pink bedazzled everything. We needed to get in our choices before she learned to say no. I listened to everything, Becks. Everything.”
Becca grimaced and shook her head. Sadness entered her scent, but when she dashed away the tears from the corners of her eyes, the familiar spiky anger took hold. “Then where were you that night? Where were you the weeks before? Any of the days between appointments? Where did you disappear after? You weren’t there when I needed you the most.”
“I was scared! Is that what you want to hear?” He pushed away from her and reeled backward until his back connected with the opposite wall. “Christ, Becca. We weren’t even eighteen yet. No one expects to attach to a mate that young. But there you were, fucking perfection, and I knew you were meant to be mine. Getting that serious, that young, scared the shit out of me. Then you got pregnant, and I knew we would make it work. You want to know where I was? Working every job I could find to save up money. Somehow, someway, we’d survive. Even if it was all too soon and our parents thought we were fuck ups. Because I’d have you and our baby.”
“And there’s the problem. You freaked, I freaked. But we didn’t do it together. We were seventeen and had a baby on the way! You weren’t standing up for me or trying to make a family with me. You. Weren’t. There.” Her shoulders slumped, and she slashed her eyes away from him. “It broke my heart even before...”
Before she miscarried. She didn’t need to finish the sentence.
The pain in her voice cut him to the core. He wanted to pull her close and soothe all the hurt away. Hurt he caused, because he didn’t know how to function like an adult and because he was scared. He wanted to get everything in order for their little family. Hell, he still had the gold band with a tiny diamond stashed in the very back of his sock drawer. He wanted to be the man she needed, the man their family needed.
And somewhere along the line, he forgot to include her in that plan.
He pressed his back against the opposite wall and dug his fingers into the cement between bricks to keep from reaching for her. The missing pieces of what went wrong slid into place and he felt even worse than ever.
The days, no, weeks, after were still a blur. Everyone in his family kept making sad sounds and saying it was for the best. Becca wouldn’t talk to him and he didn’t push hard enough to get past her defenses. Instead, they drifted apart and never dealt with the pain that still hung heavy around them.
“I’m sorry,” he said. The words weren’t enough, but he didn’t know what else to say. “I’d do it differently if I could. I should have been there for you.”
“You shouldn’t have knocked me up in the first place.”
Nolan snorted. He doubted she meant to let the words slip out. That was her, though. Never thought much before she spoke and it got her in trouble. “Well, damn, Becks. Maybe you shouldn’t have looked so fucking hot all the time.”
She flashed a hint of a smile, but her shoulders remained tense. “If anything, it’s Coach Kowalski’s fault for never taking attendance in gym class.”
“We still got a workout.” He kept all emotion out of his voice and waggled his eyebrows.
“That we did. Your swimmers certainly went for the gold.” She shuffled a foot and choked back a tiny laugh. “Isn’t it crazy to think about what would have happened? We’d have a preteen driving us to drink.”
By the Broken, it felt good to hear her talking to him again. Not yelling, not pushing him away. Straight up joking. The sound of her voice eased the rougher parts of his soul.
“Where do we go from here?”
She leaned her head against the brick wall and stared into the sky above the buildings. Closed herself off. She shook her head, sighed, and shrugged one shoulder. “I don’t know, Nolan. Same as before. Exist in the same space and try not to get in each other’s way. We’re not good together.”
Pain slashed through his middle. He wasn’t ready to give her up again. He wouldn’t survive it. His bear moved inside his head and demanded to be let loose and go rogue if she refused them. “That’s not true. We’re s
upposed to be together. You’re my mate.”
“And I reject you.” Her mouth twisted and her eyes pinched closed. She pushed away from the wall and started toward the mouth of the alley. “If we were meant to be together, it would have happened long ago.”
Nolan moved fast and caught her before she stepped back on the sidewalk. He pressed her hard against the wall, desperate to keep her and make her understand he wouldn’t let her go. “Fuck that bullshit. We were idiots back then, Becks. This shouldn’t be complicated. I want you. I need you. And you want me, too. I know you do. What are you so scared of?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” She turned her face from him, refusing to look him in the eye. “You.” The scent of a lie coated her words and made them ring false. But she didn’t care. She still pushed him away. “I don’t want you for my mate.”
Nolan felt like he’d been hit by a train. The air rushed from his lungs, his stomach shriveled into nothing, and his heart ceased to exist. His bear tore at his control and he only kept to his human form through sheer will alone. He couldn’t control the beast under his skin when he couldn’t control his own pain.
Becca ducked under his arm and stepped out of the alley without a backward look, just like she’d done ten years ago.
Nolan threw a punch into the brick. Again and again. He felt a bone snap, then another. Fuck, but setting fingers hurt like hell. And he couldn’t stop. He needed his outside pain to match his insides.
Hands wrapped around his shoulders and hauled him away from the wall. He fought against the pull and snapped his fangs at the person. A late inhale gave him Gray’s scent.
“Come on, buddy.” Gray urged him away from the brick wall and kept up his commentary as he put them both in motion away from the alley. “Let’s get you across the street before you knock the entire building down. Callum called a house meeting.”
He couldn’t have told anyone what path they took, or if any cars passed him. If any hit him, he didn’t remember. Numb to the world around him, Nolan was forced into a seat within the confines of the firehouse and surrounded by the rest of his clan, still not seeing what existed around him.
Nolan didn’t even feel it when Gray uncurled his hand as gently as possible.
“Fuck, man,” Gray whistled. “You did a number on yourself.”
“Is he okay?” Cole asked.
“He will be. I’ll make sure of it.”
His mate didn’t want him. He couldn’t accept it. If he couldn’t change her mind, he would never be okay.
But he knew what he needed to do. Under all the loss and hurt and walking away from each other was what he needed to hear.
She didn’t need one, single grand gesture like Darcy suggested. Becca needed a lifetime of them.
He had to be there for her. With her. He needed to prove that they were on the same team, not working against one another.
He just wished he knew how.
Chapter 8
Sights returned slowly to Nolan. Noises followed shortly after. The rest of the clan speculated around him, but none dared to voice the only logical reason why he’d been slamming his fist into a brick wall.
Becca. Her name entertained a sad growl from his bear and a desire to fight. For her, anyone who dared go near her, even his own clan for seeing him at his lowest. The need to shift and disappear into his animal form was overwhelming.
Callum stepped into the common area with Judah right behind him. Both men wore serious expressions and Callum’s only grew more focused when his nostrils flared at the scent of blood. He turned his head and caught sight of Nolan.
“Anything I need to know about?” Callum asked tightly.
Gray answered for him. “Nolan just took a hated for the building across the street. Tried to bring it down with his fists. I heard it say something about his tiny dick, so he was justified.”
Judah grimaced at his hand and addressed Callum. “I thought they weren’t supposed to be brawling on the job.”
“Hey, you parent your kids and I’ll parent mine.” His alpha’s eyes zeroed in on the damage. “You know, there are easier ways to get time off work. Forms to fill out, simply using your words to ask.”
Time away from the firehouse was the last fucking thing he needed. He already spent too much time in his head or the bottom of a bottle. Becca’s refusal of their mate bond would only make it worse. He needed the steadying power of working with his clan, even if he wanted to maul every fucking one of them at the moment.
He could lose his shit on his own time and without their eyes on him.
“I’ll be good as new once Gray gets off his ass,” Nolan grunted. He turned his face away and grabbed hold of the table with his good hand. It helped if he didn’t expect the sudden wave of agony. “Do it.”
White pain flashed through his head and stole his breath. “That’s one,” Gray said.
“Fuck me. I need a drink. I can’t watch this,” Hudson groaned from his spot on the couch.
“Quit whining,” Sawyer joked and landed a punch on Hudson’s arm. “You were fine last month when we had to set your leg.”
“That’s different. Hands fuck me right up.”
Nolan tried to find something witty to say in answer and had the thought melted away with another blinding surge of pain.
“Two. One more to go.”
The words weren’t even out of Gray’s mouth before he jerked his final finger into place. “Fucking hell,” Nolan cursed and tried to snatch his hand away.
Gray was too fast and held him still with a firm grasp around his wrist. “Hold it steady until you have a chance to shift,” his friend murmured.
Callum eyed him. “You need a moment?”
The question paired with a wash of power over Nolan. The surge was gentle compared to the times Callum had forced him out of a shift or fight. He let himself sink into the comfort his alpha gave him. They were clan, and that meant having each other’s backs.
Nolan took a deep breath and willed away the sweat that drenched him. “I’m good. Get on with the show.”
Callum and Cole both considered him for a long moment before turning to one another and shrugging. Cole popped up from his seat and wheeled out a board that already had a map of Bearden pinned to it. More pins dotted the surface. Fires, Nolan knew. He’d worked a number of them.
Callum crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m sure some of you have been wondering when we would make the official call. With last night’s job, that brings us to a total of five structure fires in ten days. We have a firebug on our hands.
“There hasn’t been a firebug in the enclave since my old man’s days. And that one was just a series of campfires out of control. These have all been deliberate damage to residential buildings.”
Silence engulfed the clan. Ephraim Strathorn was a giant in all of their lives. He was their alpha from the time they started banding together. He was their Chief from the first day of fire school. Even after he retired from the firehouse to run for—and win—the Bearden mayoral race, he always made time for them.
Callum had been forced to take over as alpha once Ephraim’s mind started to slip. The man forgot years and faces on his good days and shifted into an uncontrollable beast of a bear on his bad ones. The Strathorn brothers had put tranquilizer darts into their father on more than one occasion to keep the old man from hurting anyone.
“How is he, by the way?” Judah asked in the silence.
Callum shrugged. “As well as can be expected.”
“Rylee has a specialist from Billings coming to see him, but there’s not much to be done. It’s about maintaining, not curing,” Cole said tightly.
“I’m sorry to hear that. He’s a good man, your father. You let me know if you need any help,” Judah said.
“Thanks,” Callum answered with a rough sigh and a hand passed over his face. “Appreciate it.”
“Right, well, down to business.” Judah cleared his throat of the temporary sappiness and hooked his hands behind his
back. “My boys will be stepping up their patrols. The volunteer guardians have also been notified to keep watch for anything suspicious.”
He pointed to the map of Bearden with the locations of fires marked with red pins. “Our suspect is operating at night, which could mean a day job is preventing them from burning, or they’re simply trying to avoid detection under the cover of darkness. The targets have been chosen to hide his scent in established foot traffic, so we have no leads there.”
“While the boys in blue are out doing their jobs,” Callum said in a tone implying the police haven’t been doing shit, “we’ll move forward our annual fire inspections.”
Callum waited for the groans to stop. The inspections were a source of complaint every year. “I want them complete before the summer fair. And while we’re there, we’ll brief the employees of each establishment on fire safety. With us showing our faces and the officers patrolling, we’ll either scare the firebug into making a mistake or deter him from setting another blaze.”
“Has there been any updates on who shot at Becca?” All eyes turned to Nolan and he rolled his shoulders under the scrutiny. “I’m just saying, we have all these fires and then a shot in the night. Maybe they’re related.”
Judah shook his head. “We combed over the area across from The Roost and Hogshead and didn’t find anything more than a campfire and a couple cans of beer. That was probably just a couple teenagers fucking around. Not the first time someone has borrowed their Pop’s weapon to impress a girl, is it?”
Nolan didn’t let the dig irritate him. Much. He hadn’t been an idiot about handling the gun when he took Becca out to shoot soda cans. He certainly didn’t fire anywhere close to the town. Gun safety was instilled in him from a young age, as well as the consequences of shooting a weapon on public lands. Judah had responded to that call and took great joy in hauling two sixteen-year-olds down to the station.
“Partner up,” Callum commanded. “Assignments have been made for the inspections. Each team has a max of three trades. I don’t want someone shouldering all the bigger businesses while the rest of you are off day drinking at The Roost like last year, you hear me?”