by C. A. Harms
“You have the right to mourn her death Liz, my god you have seen her daily when she dropped off her brother and the times she was with you and Ben. You may not have been as close to her as Ben, but she was a friend to you.”
I took in a deep breath feeling silly for breaking.
“This isn't about me,” I say quickly drying my tears and doing my best to right myself. “I need to hold it together for Ben and Brayden.”
I ignore Elle’s disapproving stare and stand from the bed moving toward the full length mirror on the back of my closet door. My eyes were puffy and swollen, my face pale in comparison. There has been so much sadness lately. So much loss, it suddenly made me question why I was so stupid to waste the precious time I’d been gifted. If anything, the last few months have taught me that we are all only given so much time on this earth. We should be embracing it and making the absolute most of it not wasting it.
***
The service was beautiful, heart wrenching, but beautiful. Brayden spoke of the years he’d spent in the care of Khloe. He told everyone how she’d given up her own dreams to ensure he was cared for. She let go of the desire she had to travel the world, and gave him a stable home instead. One filled with love and the kind of closeness most kids dream of having. Khloe was not only his sister, but his best friend.
The small room was filled with sniffles and cries as we shared his sadness.
“I’ll never forget you,” Brayden spoke to his sister as if she was there in the room with us. “I’ll never go to bed at night without telling you about my day, because you always told me no matter what, you’d always be with me. I believe that.”
I felt so raw as I tried to swallow past the aching burn in my throat.
“I think that’s true even though I can't see you, because I can still feel you. Like you’re here with me watching over me and ensuring me all be okay.” Chills broke out over my skin as he continued. “In a way, you are still watching out for me. You brought Ben into our lives and you may not be here physically to see me, I feel as if you’re able to guide me toward the light. Ben is that light.”
I look over toward Ben and that rawness I felt inside intensified by a magnitude that was crippling. Ben placed his head in his hands and he leaned forward, his shoulders shaking. I wanted to go to him, but I held back.
I was always holding back.
“Go to him,” Elle whispers making me jump in reaction. “He needs you, he may not be asking you for comfort, but he loves you Liz. He needs you.”
I wanted to argue, I wanted to go on believing where I was was for the best, only I couldn’t. Because though I wasn't truly convinced yet that her words were true, I knew one thing. I needed Ben.
I got up and moved in his direction kneeling down in front of him. He didn't look up, as I slid my hands over his thighs. He didn't look up when I nudged my body between his knees and allowed my hands to wrap around his waist. Instead he buried his face in my neck and and held onto me so tight I thought I’d break.
Nothing had ever felt so comforting. Nothing had ever given me such a strong sense of belonging.
“I love you,” I whispered. “You are so strong and so brave. You’re the best man I know.”
I meant every word. He was unable to speak but I knew my words had registered when his arms held me just a little tighter and he pressed his lips to my neck in a soft kiss.
I’d be his glue, I’d be his rock.
I’d be his everything, as long as in return he too was mine.
Chapter Twenty Six
BEN
With each day that passed the ache inside me grew a little less prominent. Smiling and laughing got a little easier without feeling the guilt that crippled me in the days that followed Khloe and even Luke’s death. Though I knew I’d never forget Khloe just as I would never forget Luke, it was now easier to breathe.
So many nights since her death, I’ve lay awake remembering our first interaction. Khloe was fearless, confident and the best part of that shitty night. Khloe made me laugh at times I’d felt there was nothing to laugh about. She quickly became one of the best parts about choosing to start over in a whole new place.
She was my confidant and the one person that never sugarcoated shit. She told me the things I didn't want to hear but needed to know.
Her honesty was at times baffling, but inspiring.
A true gem, one that left an emptiness in the world now that she was gone from it.
Her absence would forever be felt, in not only my heart but those that knew her.
Each day I’ve watched Brayden miss his sister, and it nearly guts me to see the sorrow in his eyes. He is such a good kid, with a heart the mirrors Khloe’s. Nothing is gonna to stop me from ensuring that the future his sister wished for him, does come true. I’d fight whoever I had to in order to keep him here with me. There was no way I’d allow him to be thrust into a system that fails so many. Granted there are those out there that find the families they deserve and the love of a mother and a father, but I wasn’t willing to take that chance with Brayden.
I never pictured myself raising a preteen, but this was the exception.
Though I do hope for my own sanity that Brayden doesn’t turn out like Bradley and Bennett, my brothers. My mother’s right, the two of them are menaces. They’ve tested my parents over the years on so many levels. I’d definitely need to consult with them, on things to avoid.
If I’m being honest I do fear leading him in the wrong direction. I had no idea what I was facing. Wishing to be a parent one day, having dreams of being a father was so much different then stepping into the life of a young man and knowing what to do.
I look up from the television when I hear a noise in the kitchen.
Elizabeth lowered a dish onto the counter, sitting it upon potholders she already had laying out. The aroma of something garlic filled the air and it made my stomach growl.
When she looks up from her current task and she’s me watching her, she smiles. In that moment it’s like something inside me clicks. This is the girl I want beside me when I tackle every obstacle I may ever face. When I can’t for the life of me decide which road to take I want Liz to be the one to help direct me. When I was lost on how to handle any challenge thrown at me I wanted Liz to be the one I could turn to. I wanted her understanding and direction, I wanted Liz, even with all her sassiness and need to keep me in my place. I would accept all she had to throw my way, without question.
Brayden was asleep in the recliner lightly snoring. He looked so at peace.
Standing up, I moved toward the kitchen and Liz watched me curiously. A sweet smile tugging at the corner of her mouth as I stepped around her and caged her to the counter before us. Leaning my body in closer to hers, I rested my chin onto her shoulder and turned my nose toward her. “I love you,” I whisper before breathing her in. Her sweet floral scent mixed with the excess aroma of the meal she’d been cooking for us. “I don’t know how I would have made it through the last few months without you.”
“You are stronger than you give yourself credit for,” she insisted as she continued to work away at the meal before her.
She was doing it again, trying to act as if the support she’s offered me was nothing more than what any stranger would offer.
“Why do you do that?”
She looks back at me causing me to lift my head from her shoulder. “Do what?”
“Act like the support you offer me is nothing. Pretend that what we’ve got here isn't something amazing?”
“It is amazing,” she says turning in my arms to face me. “I just know that even if we hadn’t met and you had to face all the things you have over again, you could. You’re so strong and it may seem weird but knowing how even faced with most horrible of things you still exude such strength, it gives me such a sense of security. It’s not me that makes you strong Ben, you are just that kind of man. I adore you Ben, and though I’ve always done my best to avoid this kind of connection with any man, with you
it can’t be controlled. I love you so deeply that the thought of not having you in my life is terrifying.”
“You have me,” I assured her, “you always will.”
Leaning my forehead to hers and closed my eyes and just held her. Feeling her body pressed to mine was exactly the security I needed in that moment.
***
“I’m nervous,” I look over and see Liz twisting her hands in her lap. “I’m excited don’t get me wrong, but I am so damn nervous.”
Brayden who sat in the back seat of our rental car chuckles as he leans forward and peers around at Elizabeth. His laughter was like the best boost of confidence I could ask for. It made me feel like I was doing something right with him.
“I get it, I do, but why?” He asks Liz. “I haven't know you that long, but I’ve known you long enough to know that not many people don’t like you. You pretend to be all cold and callus as if you don’t need anyway but yourself.” I sat watching the interaction between the two of them almost in awe. “But I’ve seen your kind side. I think all of us in this car know that you aren’t cold you’re just guarded.”
Liz looked at him, her mouth opening and then closing again, only she spoke no actual words.
“Just be yourself, it’s what I plan to do,” he offered her a shrug. “Ben’s parents raised him and he’s great, so they gotta be okay.”
“Who are you?” She finally asked as she still sat turned sideways in the chair staring at him.
A silence settled over the car as Brayden smiled wide and leaned back against the seat. “Khloe’s always taught me to never to show fear, to face things head on with confidence and grace. It’s time to put that advice to good use.”
“I’d say that is some great advice,” I offer with a nod to Brayden. “I know my family is gonna love the both of you as much as I do.”
With a nod, Liz smiled before reaching for the door handle and opening the car door.
Once she was outside the car I smiled back at Brayden. “Good speech kid,” I say to him before the both of us follow suit.
The moment the three of us stepped up onto the front stoop and I rang the doorbell the door flew open and a tiny little raven haired beauty practically dove into my arms. “It has been entirely too long,” my mother squealed as she squeezed my neck with her arms. “I’ve missed my boy.”
“I’ve missed you too ma,” I tell her as I hug her close. We remained like that for a few moments before I slowly lower her back to the porch and unwrap my arms from her petite body.
Looking back over my shoulder I smile at both Brayden and Liz as I introduced my new family to the woman that raised me.
“Meet Elizabeth and Brayden,” I say, “my little family.”
Chapter Twenty Seven
LIZ
His family.
My heart raced the moment the words left his mouth. I was at a loss of words, but inside my mind was screaming. The idea of having a man look at me as Ben does, as if I was his everything and then having it torn away terrified me. But here I was loving the idea of Ben and I building a life together. Being someone’s everything was the best feeling I’ve ever felt.
I was pulled out of my deep thoughts by Ben’s mother as she stepped forward and didn't even hesitate pulling me into her arms. “I’ve heard so much about you,” she says. “Mostly from my husband who in turn heard them from Ben.” She lets me go as she shoots a glare at her son. “But regardless of my son refusing to let his mother in on his new found love, I couldn't stop myself from eavesdropping. It amazing what you hear from two men when they have no idea that you are listening on the phone in the next room.”
“Seriously?” Ben asks and both I and his mom laugh.
“What’s so funny out here?” I look up to see a man step outside that was like looking into the future twenty years and seeing the future Ben. Only with a few more wrinkles, at a slightly grayed touch throughout his hair. The man was so handsome, and when he smiled, again I seen Ben.
“Ma, is just spilling the info that she’d been listening to our phone conversation through the phone in the next room.” Ben tells his father but it didn't seem as if it was a surprise to him. “What you knew?”
“At first no,” his father told him, “but eventually yeah. She stopped asking me about the girl you were dating and about how serious it was getting. I knew then it only meant she had figured it out and her eavesdropping was the only way.”
They hassle Ben’s mom for a few minutes and I just stand back and watch the interaction. It was an entirely different scenario seeing him with his family. Then Ben’s father looks up and offers me a smile. “Speaking of the girl,” his father’s says offering me a wink and making my cheeks instantly heat.
Ben noticed and hooked me around the waist pulling my body in front of his, not once releasing his hold on me. “This is Liz,” he said nuzzling my neck, “the girl who has stole my heart.”
Again my heart flutters and almost as if I had no control over my own actions my eyes close for a moment and my heart begins to beat more rapidly in my chest.
“Well, its nice to finally meet you Elizabeth, I’m Benjamin senior,” his father holds out his hand and I place mine in his. “I’ve heard so much about you, I feel like I already know you.”
The man had kind eyes, those same kind eyes his son bared each time he looked at me. The kind of eyes that no matter how hard you tried to resist it and fight it, they told you everything was going to be okay.
“It’s nice to finally meet you too,” I say fighting past the emotional lump in my throat. “To finally meet you all.”
“There’s more of us,” his mother says, “we’ve just held off Bentley and Bradley until later. The last thing we wanted to happen was allow them to run you off before we could prove we all aren't as insane as they are.”
“It’s true,” his father says with a laugh. “You know how most say that with each child a parent gets a little better at being a parent?’ I nod. “Not us,” he chuckles. “I think we gave all the good to Ben and somehow we warped the other two.”
My eyes widened in surprise which only made them both laugh harder.
“Don’t say we didn't warn you,” Ben said as he nudged me forward and we step inside the house.
Big Ben had his arm around Brayden’s shoulder as he walked ahead. You’d never be able to guess that Brayden hadn’t always been a part of the Keaton family. They were so welcoming and kind, and suddenly the nervous feelings I’d felt no longer made sense. How could anyone ever fear a family like this one?
***
“The better brother has arrived,” a loud booming voice echoes through the house.
“The best brother is here too,” another voice rang out followed by the two bickering back and forth as they grew closer.
“Remember earlier when my parents mentioned the crazies,” Ben says just before two guys step into the living room. “Meet the crazies.”
The second the two noticed their bigger brother sitting on the couch their faces lit up.
“Move,” Ben says in warning and nudges me out of the way just before both guys dove in our direction tackling Ben. I watch as the two small men rough Ben’s hair and bear hug him. Laughter and a few choice harmless words were exchanged. Again is was great to see him interact with his brothers.
Brayden laughed gaining the attention of the two guys and suddenly the roughness faded as they relaxed next to Ben and looked between me and Brayden.
“Damn dude,” the one with the darker hair says followed by a loud whistle.
“Don’t do it,” Ben says in warning.
“Don’t do what?” He asked with a smirk, “get up and show your pretty lady that I have much more to offer her than you do.”
“Bentley,” Ben says, “I said don’t do it.”
“You telling me not to, only makes me wanna do it more.”
Ben lunges hooking the darker haired one around the neck, pulling him in closer in a headlock. It made me laugh.
&
nbsp; The other brother the one with blondish read hair stood and moved around the coffee table holding out his hand to me. “I’m Bradley,” he says with a smile. “As you can see the two of them are slightly immature.”
I didn't miss the smirk on his lips and the sinful look in his eyes as he roams over my body from head to toe.
“I’m definitely more of experienced, more capable of handling your needs as well as my own,” he wags his brows and I freeze.
“Are you for real?” I ask unable to stop myself.
“I’m definitely real sweetheart, wanna feel?”
I laugh, not a light cheerful chuckle but a full out ribs aching by theme I’m finished laugh. This guy was a trip. A trip down, Whacked Out Lane, and I think he honestly felt this shit he was spewing was going to be beneficial in his attempt to woo me.
I lean in closer and his face lights up almost like he’d won something. “I can assure you that even if I wasn’t already with the most amazing men, nothing you have would interest me. Nothing you have to offer would appeal to me. In fact little one I would chew you up and spit you out, only to leave rocking back and forth like a terrified child in the corner.”
A deep chuckle, one I recognized well, filled the air around me.
“Don’t mess with my kitty Brad, she ain’t playing,” Ben assures him. “I can guarantee she doesn’t fall for any cheesy line, or pretty boy offering her a good time. She is much more demanding and it takes the right kinda man to give her just what she needs.”
“I can give her,” Brad started to reply only I stopped him before he could finish.
“Let me just stop ya right there,” I say and he then looks back toward me once again. “You most definitely do not have anything I want or need.”
I was thankful Ben’s parents had taken a drive to the store. I surely didn't want them here to witness this. The last thing I wanted was for them to think I was a snotty bitch.
The brother that remained on the couch near Ben made a screeching cat sound and Bradley nodded his head as he looked back over his shoulder.