by Sarah Peis
Rhett closed the door and walked to the bed, turning on the bedside lamp, casting the room in a low glow. “Let’s make sure you really get what I was saying earlier.” He prowled toward me, making all my insides gooey.
“I only want you.” He pulled my flimsy shirt off. “There is no one else for me.” He pushed my pants down, leaving me in only my underwear since I had once again forgone a bra. “I adore you.” He picked me up. “I’m not letting you get away this time.” He gently laid me out in the bed and looked at me, drank in every detail.
“Rhett,” I whispered. He was everything. I was totally and irreversibly in love. There was no coming back from this. If I thought I had it bad before, I didn’t know what I was talking about. My whole body was melting into the sheets with every word he spoke, every caress of his gentle hands.
“Tell me, Emmi.”
“I love you,” I blurted out, instantly mortified at myself.
His hand stopped just below my breast, his head snapping up to look at me. I tried to sit up but he stopped me.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. It just came out. Can we get back to the part where I’m about to get laid?” Smooth recovery expert I was not.
“Say it again.”
I shook my head. “Don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Emmi.”
“Don’t, Emmi me. Can’t we just pretend it never happened?”
“Definitely not. If you had let me respond instead of panicking you would already know that I love you too.”
“We could just –” Did he just say he loved me? Emmi McAllister? Trailer trash, loser at life and all round wreck? “Really? Are you sure?”
He smiled and kissed my nose. “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. I love you. There, I said it again so you can’t pretend it didn’t happen.”
I did the only thing a girl in my situation could and should do. I threw my arms around his shoulders and hugged him to me. He landed on top of me with an oomph and didn’t have time to recover before my lips met his.
He tasted like peppermint and beer, clearly having refused the wine I had tried to get for him.
“Don’t just freeze me out. If you are worried about something, talk to me.” His arms were on each side of my head to hold his weight, his body covering mine.
“I don’t know how much clearer I can make this, but you are everything to me, Emmi. I’ve waited a long time for you, and now that I finally have you in my arms, there is nothing that I wouldn’t do to keep you there.”
I pushed up and kissed him to stop him from saying anything else. There was only so much a girl could take before she lost it.
“If you don’t stop talking I might just burst into tears. And not the good kind. This will be a full on sob fest.”
“I guess we better get to the sexing you up part then.”
I suppressed the laughter, barely, and said, “Sexing me up? Is that your way of saying you’ll fuck my brains out? Because I won’t accept anything less. You’ve already set the bar pretty high.”
He grinned and came closer, his nose brushing my cheek. “Challenge accepted.”
Turns out he took a challenge very seriously. The hour of sleep I got was proof of that.
Doomsday. Day of reckoning. THE day. It was finally here. The court date. Anna had gotten her wish, and we had to go before a judge to sort out custody. At the moment, Josie was with the Judge in his office after he requested to talk to her in private with a child psychologist there.
I was nervously clutching my bag, sitting outside the door they had disappeared through. Josie had been hesitant about going in there by herself but after a lot of coaxing and the promise of a milkshake, she’d relented. Oma was next to me, muttering in German. I made out something about whistling pigs but was too distracted to pay enough attention to actually be able to understand anything.
Rhett sat next to me, providing unwavering support. He hadn’t left my side since last night, working from our house this morning and then driving us all to the courthouse. Freddie was a wreck, her emotions all over the place. She wondered why Anna never tried to get her back. I hadn’t said anything about the money yet, not sure if that would make the situation better or worse.
She didn’t know how lucky she was to have only spent such a short amount of time with the woman. There was so much I hadn’t told her yet, and I wasn’t sure if I ever would. The hurt she felt at the moment would be nothing compared to what she would feel if she found out what had really happened to make Oma our unofficial guardian.
Rhett squeezed my hand. “You’ll win. There is no way they would give custody to someone like Anna. Not after what happened.” He was there when it all went down, being an island in a sea of uncertainty. I didn’t know what was going to happen. Anna was too sure of her victory. She had an ace up her sleeve, and I couldn’t figure out what it was. Never a good idea to underestimate her.
Oma had calmed down, switching back to English. “She has a bird if she thinks she will ever gain custody of our little treasure.”
I had to agree with Oma. Who in their right mind would give Anna custody of anything? But it wasn’t up to us. It was the Judge’s decision. The door to his office finally opened and the Judge, Josie and the psychologist came out. Josie was looking as happy as ever, skipping over to us and climbing on my lap.
“Hey, Spatz. You good?”
She nodded and snuggled in. I squeezed her to me and kissed her head. I couldn’t lose her. She was my Josie. I couldn’t feel any more love for her if I had given birth to her. If Anna took her away, she would take my entire world with her.
“Ready?” Rhett asked and stood up.
I followed, still holding on to Josie and with a reassuring arm on my back, Freddie and Oma behind us as we walked into the office. The meeting wasn’t held in a courtroom but in the Judge’s office. We all gathered around his desk, Josie, Freddie and Oma on a couch off to the side, Rhett on a chair next to them. I took a seat in front of the judge, my lawyer next to me. Anna and her lawyer weren’t here yet, but they still had five minutes. I prayed she’d forgotten about the appointment. Didn’t care about the money anymore.
The minutes ticked by in excruciating slowness. I watched the hand of the clock turn, my palms getting sweaty. With less than a minute to go, the doors opened and Anna, and no less than two lawyers, entered the room.
The Judge raised a brow but didn’t say anything. She was on time after all. Anna didn’t spare us a glance and sat down. I looked at my own lawyer nervously. He was good, but could he compete with the two sharks Anna had hired?
“Let’s begin, shall we,” the Judge said, officially starting proceedings.
And that’s when things started to go wrong. First the lawyers added additional documents that we hadn’t seen before. Then they asked for full custody, on the basis that I was unfit to be a mother. That’s when my past came back to really kick me where it hurt.
“The evidence suggests that Emmerson McAllister is a young and irresponsible woman, who has gravely endangered another child’s life. We act with Josephine McAllister’s best interests at heart when we say that currently she is not living in a safe environment. Not only is the person who has custody of her a criminal, but her sister who lives with them has been arrested twice just over the last few months, following in her older sister’s footsteps. A child needs a stable environment with responsible adults. Not even her grandmother is fit to be a guardian. She has early stages of dementia and cannot be trusted to look after a child.”
I was speechless. Stunned. Totally blindsided. How had they gotten access to my sealed records? I was a minor when all that stuff went down. And even though it looked bad on paper, it wasn’t at all the way it was described. It was true, Oma did have early stages of dementia but at this stage it was contained to her being forgetful. Not to leaving the stove on or forgetting Josie was in the house. We went to the doctor regularly. We had it all under control. Wasn’t there such a thing
as doctor-patient confidentiality?
I shot a pleading look to my lawyer, who gathered his documents. “Your honor, if I may respond to the allegations.”
The Judge nodded and indicated for him to proceed. “My client was a minor at the time of the offense. She made a mistake, one that cost her dearly. But she has been a responsible adult, proving time and again that she is capable of taking care of a child.” He handed notes over from Cassie, Josie’s ballet teacher and our neighbor. “She has a full time job and is able to provide for herself and Josie. Mrs. Meier’s dementia is under control and she is capable of looking after a child. The medical reports prove that. These are statements from teachers in Josie’s life that reiterate what a responsible adult Emmerson is.”
“She barely finished high school. She dropped out of community college after only one semester. There were rumors of her having an affair with one of her teachers. Her full time job is with a friend, who would say anything to get Ms. McAllister custody of Josie. Dementia is a tricky disease that can be a lot more advanced without anyone noticing. We stress again how unsafe the environment is for the child.”
My lawyer didn’t look worried. I thought he really should at this stage. They were making their case, and they were making it well. “Mrs. McAllister has been admitted to rehab no less than four times. She doesn’t have a job. She lives in a public housing development.”
One of Anna’s hot shot lawyers interrupted. “She has enough money to support Josephine. It will be to the child’s benefit that she’s not working as she will be able to spend more time with her. She is her grandmother, a blood relative, who has also brought up three kids of her own. She has a lot of experience.”
“None of the children stayed with her for long when they went to live with their grandmother.”
Another interruption. “Something that was never official. Mrs. McAllister always had custody over her kids. They were never fully living at Mrs. Meier’s. She was always taking care of them. She still has custody over Fredericka, who chose to live with her grandmother because she wanted to be close to Ms. McAllister. Something that turns out to be a bad idea. We will look into moving her back to her mother’s as well.”
They would take my girls. She wasn’t just going after Josie but Freddie as well. God, how I hated her. How could she do this to her own family? She didn’t want them. Never had. Not once had she visited us in the time we had been living with Oma. I couldn’t keep quiet any longer.
“She neglected us. The whole time we were living with her, she didn’t care what we did. We were kids, but she made us fend for ourselves. Nate had to find us food, clothes and make sure we got dressed in the mornings. We had to take care of Freddie, made sure her diaper got changed and she went to bed at a decent hour. Anna never took care of us. She only cares about herself. Please don’t give her custody. She is not interested in the kids. She just wants the money that comes with it.”
“And where is your proof for any of this? There are no court records, no police reports, no official requests for custody. This is a desperate attempt at getting back at the mother you thought liked your brother and sister better.”
How dare he. I took a deep breath ready to do battle, but my lawyer shot me an icy look that said shut the fuck up.
“Children wouldn’t just leave their mother if they didn’t absolutely have to. You are putting Josephine’s wellbeing in danger by ripping her out of the environment that she knows best and placing her in the person’s she doesn’t even know. Mrs. McAllister has never shown any interest in meeting her grandchild until now.”
The rest of the meeting went on like that. Anna was grinning like she had already won, and I sank further and further into my chair, like I had already lost. They had access to my court records. All my past mistakes were there to be picked apart and used against me. I was no longer that person. I had my life under control.
Rhett was hearing everything, all the things I never wanted him to know. I had been on a path of self-destruction. It wasn’t a time in my life I was proud of, but nevertheless it made me who I was today.
I was stronger for it. The experiences shaped me and showed me the person I never wanted to be again. The more Anna’s lawyers dredged up, the sicker I felt. The car I totaled when I didn’t even have a license yet? Yep, they brought that up. The lipstick I stole just after I dropped out of school? Yep, they brought that up too.
It didn’t seem to matter to anyone that Anna abandoned us. That she was a neglectful mom who didn’t give two shits about anyone but herself. All that mattered was that there was proof about every time I screwed up and the worst we could dig up on Anna was her rehab stints. Which according to her lawyers meant she was intent on improving her life. Apparently the last stint also had a lasting effect and she was now clean.
“I think I’ve heard enough. If you would wait outside I’ll be making my decision shortly,” the Judge interrupted another ode to Anna’s goodness. Barf, I seriously couldn’t listen to that crap anymore. They made her look like a saint who fell on hard times and never really wanted to take drugs. What a bunch of crockshit.
We all went outside and waited in the hall. Anna stayed at the other end, a smart move on her part. Oma was ready to lay into her, back to muttering in German. I didn’t even try to understand what she was saying, my mind a quivering mess, and not in a good way. I was scared. There was a good chance that Josie would have to go home with Anna. Someone she didn’t even know.
“Hungry, Mimi,” Josie said and tugged on my sleeve.
“I’ll get you some lunch soon, okay, Spatz? We’ll just have to wait for the Judge to talk to us first.”
I dug through my bag and found a granola bar. “How about a snack for now?” I held it out to a nodding Josie, her hair flying every which way with the movement. I opened the packet for her and she took it eagerly.
Rhett was standing next to me, not touching me like he usually did. He hadn’t said a word since we’d come out, his mind elsewhere, his gaze fixed on Anna.
I was too scared to make the first move, so instead I sat down with Josie on my lap. The Judge took his time but after twenty minutes his door finally opened again.
“If you’d come back in,” he said and left the door open.
We all piled in, filling out the room to its capacity again. Once everyone was seated, he began. And I nearly lost my meager breakfast right then and there.
“When I spoke to Josephine, she clearly stated she wanted to stay with Emmerson McAllister. Initially I agreed with this as it seemed like the logical solution.”
Anna huffed but shut up as soon as her lawyer shot her a look. The Judge ignored her and went on. “However, after Ms McAllister’s past came to light, I have to question my initial assessment. We all want what’s best for the child. And with this in mind, I will grant joint custody to both McAllisters.”
Both Anna and I started talking at the same time, not happy with the outcome at all, “You can’t do that.”
“That’s not in the best interest of the child,” my lawyer put in.
The Judge put up his hands and we both settled down. “You will each have Josephine for one week and then swap. This arrangement will last for three months and then we will meet again and re-evaluate. Now, before you start yelling, keep in mind that there is a child present. We are all trying to do the best thing for her. Since Ms. Emmerson McAllister has had Josie for the past six months, she will go with Mrs. Anna McAllister today.”
My heart sank, and I wanted to cry. How could this be happening? Why was I such a mess when I was younger? This could have been prevented, and I only had myself to blame. I couldn’t look at anyone, my head too heavy to lift, my gaze studying my hands. Hands that were nervously twisting my skirt, part of the suit I’d put on for today.
We all got up, the mood solemn, nobody saying a word. We stopped outside the courthouse and Anna extended her hand to Josie. “Let’s go.” She didn’t even look at Josie who was hiding behind me.
“She needs her stuff,” I said. If Anna cared at all, she’d know this. And she would give us time to make this easier on Josie and not just drag her away.
“I know this,” she said, her voice condescending, her face looking smug with satisfaction.
“I’ll bring her to your house,” I suggested. At least then I would know that there wasn’t anyone hanging around the place.
“Fine. Don’t be long or I’ll have to call the court.”
God, she was a bitch. If I ever thought there was any redemption to be had for her it was gone with her better-than-thou attitude and selfish actions.
We picked up Josie’s stuff, and I tried to explain to her that she would be back in no time. It was an adventure she was going on. And it would be fun. I only hoped Anna could keep her shit together for a week. She had never been able to in the past.
Dropping Josie off was one of the hardest things I had ever done. She was crying, clinging to me and begging me not to leave her. Rhett drove us, watching the whole scene with a stony look on his face. He still hadn’t said a word.
“I’ll be back in a week, Spatz,” I said in between tears, trying to hold it together to not make this any harder on her. Anna stood in the open door, watching it all with a disinterested expression on her face. When Josie refused to let go, she stepped up and pulled at the back of her dress. “Let’s go. I don’t have all day,” she hissed and dragged Josie inside. I waved to her and watched with a heavy heart as the door shut in my face.
I didn’t move, didn’t talk, just stood there looking at the closed door. I could still hear Josie crying, her little voice getting shriller and shriller.
“Let’s go, babe. There is nothing we can do right now.” Rhett was there, encasing me in his arms and leading me back to his car. I knew there was nothing I could do but I didn’t want to leave. What would happen to Josie? I prayed Anna would at least feed her. She was too little to take care of herself.
Rhett took my hand when we were in the car, holding it the whole drive home, his thumb moving in lazy circles. The tears wouldn’t stop, the whole situation too much. Rhett helped me out of the car and into the house where Oma and Freddie were waiting anxiously. One look at my face and they advanced on me and hugged me, not letting go until I finally had myself under control.