Tony knelt beside her and wrapped her in his arms. She soaked his shoulder with tears.
Time stood still. Tony said not a word. He held her, cradling the fragility of her body and spirit. Tears of his own fell as he kissed her hair and rubbed her back. The crying subsided and, even with puffy eyes and hiccups, she was beautiful to him. Tony handed her a tissue so she could blow her nose. She giggled in embarrassment as one of the paroxysms shook her body. “Now I sound like I’m drunk.” She touched her hand to Tony’s wet shoulder and looked up in his eyes. “I dumped a lot on you.”
Tony looked in her eyes, his own still moist. “My little Ren. I am sadder than I can say over all you’ve suffered.” He sighed. “Not all men are like Mick. He was evil. I’m glad you’re free, but sad your arms remain empty. I understand how hard it would be to come to be in this family bursting with cherished children, given your loss, and how it came about. Renata, you’re not defective. You’re not damaged goods. You are precious, delightful, a new creation in Christ. You need to fight against the lies Mick and others have told you.”
“You are a good man, Tony. Some girl will be blessed to call you her own someday.”
“I’d rather have this girl do so.”
“You can’t mean that, after all I’ve shared.”
“No? Well, my monsters are not as bad as yours, but I’ve felt like damaged goods for too long as well.”
“Wanna share? I’ll listen. I owe you at least that.”
Tony smiled, helped her rise, and led her back to the chair she had been sitting in. He picked up the scrapbook, flipped to the page with the newborn picture and glanced up at Renata. “She was beautiful, Ren. She had your face.”
“Thank you, Tony. My comfort is in knowing she is with Jesus, and I will see her again in heaven. For now, pictures and bittersweet memories are all I have.”
Tony handed her back the book and waited while she tied the yellow ribbon in a bow and lovingly placed it in her bag.
Tony sat down, and Renata watched him. He cleared his throat. “You’ve probably heard about a failed relationship or even heard Stacy mentioned.” Renata nodded. “Well, we met at church, and I was instantly attracted. She was about my height, a full-figured woman, but not heavy. She dressed to attract the attention of men. Snug tops and shorter skirts and heels. Initially that didn’t bother me, because she was “my girl,” and I was proud to be seen with someone so “hot.” I thought she loved God. We attended church outings. She came to family gatherings but, for some reason, my siblings and their spouses never warmed to her. My dad even cautioned me there was something not right. I was too infatuated with her to care what anyone thought.
“She pressured me to marry her, and I was eager for that as well. I proposed. Like you, I’d intended to go to my marriage bed a virgin. Stacy wasn’t as happy about that. For all her stated desire to marry, the wedding date repeatedly changed. Too much to be done to prepare for such a big event. It takes a year to get the dress made. She wanted a little more time to be free. I was in no rush.”
Tony shrugged.
“Rumors started filtering down to me that she was seeing other guys while I worked. They told me she flirted and supposedly slept with these men. I didn’t believe it. I trusted her. I was an idiot. Stacy denied loving anyone but me and begged me for sex. It was hard to withstand her, but I did. One night I got home late from work and collapsed in bed, as I often do. Stacy had stolen a copy of my apartment key and snuck in while I slept.” Tony rose to stand by the fireplace. He couldn’t face Renata now. “I thought I was having the most amazing dream, but when I woke up we were fully engaged in the act, and it was too late. Shame overwhelmed me. I was angry.”
“You were raped, too.” Her voice was soft. No condemnation.
Tony nodded and turned to look at her. “Not the kind of thing a man wants to admit. I pushed Stacy to wed right away. What if she was pregnant? I wanted to do the right thing. She would have none of it. I changed my locks, held her off in every attempt to keep myself pure in spite of her taunts. A week before the wedding, Bryan, who was ironically supposed to be my best man, brought me a letter while I was at work. The letter explained she had found me lacking physically and had eloped with a man she liked better. She skipped town and left me to deal with a cancelled wedding. She left me with a mountain of expenses. She had a good job and promised to pay for much of those things she insisted were ‘essential’ for her happiness on her ‘big day.’ I got stuck with the bill for failed dreams. That was a year and a half ago.”
“She was an idiot to walk away from you.”
“Why? What’s so attractive about a fool? Led around by large breasts and the hope they would be exclusively mine? I admit the attraction was physical. Looking back, there wasn’t much substance there. I worked a lot. There hadn’t been much opportunity to delve deeper.”
“If you were a fool...what was I?”
“A victim.”
“I don’t want to live like a victim anymore, Tony. That’s why I moved and started fresh. I thought the monsters from my past would stay there. I was wrong.”
“I don’t see you as a victim, Renata. You filed charges against Bryan. You survived a bank robbery. You came here tonight… It took courage to share your story with me.”
“You are kind, but I know the truth. I am still relying on a man. You walked with me through the stuff with Bryan. No one had ever supported me like that before. I came here tonight with you. I couldn’t have made it on my own. You are my safety net. I needed you to help with my monsters. I’m still too dependent.”
“Depending on another person you care about is not bad. That’s called friendship. It’s part of being a member of the church. We were not meant to struggle alone, even though you had to for a long time.” He knelt before her and held her hands. “I think we need each other. What does that mean? Where does that take us?”
“I don’t know, Tony.”
“Me neither. I adore you. I don’t want to rush into anything.”
“I’m not pushing.” Renata sniffed.
“I know.” Tony walked over to her and helped her rise.
“I admire you, and my emotions run so deep it terrifies me. Can we continue on as we have and see where God leads us?” Renata took a deep breath as she gazed up at him.
Tony nodded. “I think that would be good.” He glanced toward the door. “Would you like me to make our excuses and take you home?”
“No, if I can freshen up in the bathroom, I’d like to try to face the chaos.”
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”
“At some point I need to move on, don’t I? Angela is in a better place than this sinful world, but that doesn’t mean I cannot celebrate another child’s life and the joy he brings to those around him. Had Angela been born, she would not have had that from anyone except me. Who knows what abuses she might have faced? Jacob is fortunate to be a part of this family.”
“Okay, we’ll stay. Bathroom is to the right. I’ll wait outside to escort you back. If at any point you feel you need to leave—”
“Thank you for understanding.” Renata stood on her tiptoes to give Tony a kiss on the cheek. “You are a hunk, you know.” She grinned mischievously at him and walked out of the room.
Tony waited for her in the hallway, his heart shredded by their mutual revelations. He loved her. He looked down the hall to where his family was and wondered what it would have been like to meet Renata with her little one-year-old girl toddling about. She had looked beautiful while pregnant. He thought of the tiny infant and grieved as if he had lost her too. He leaned his back against the wall with his hands in his pockets.
What if they had met years ago? Before Mick. Before Stacy. Would he have desired her as much then? His breath shuddered as he thought of all she had endured. Why God? Where is grace for her? What do you want from me? Where is this going? All he knew was he wanted to shield Renata from any pain. He understood Stephanie’s fierceness in pro
tecting her friend. He felt more protective than ever now, having understood her past.
She emerged from the bathroom, her eyes still reddened from tears but her makeup repaired, and her bag held under her arm instead of in front of her like a shield.
“Ready?”
She looked up at him with those blue eyes and smiled. He was falling in love all over again. “Yeah. I’m ready.” She grabbed his hand, and they rejoined his family.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Renata was in Mary Beth’s office. She told her about Bryan’s death and how she had unburdened herself to Tony.
“I need to share something with you, Renata. The road to healing isn’t smooth. It’s filled with what I call potholes. A professor shared this with me during a class in my undergraduate program, but I’ve also seen something similar to it in my chiropractor’s office. You fall into the hole and struggle to get out. Sometimes you are along the bottom of the hole, bumpy, but no real successes and no backsliding. This is as true emotionally as it is physically. For example, recovering from a whiplash or other back injury. Sometimes, as you start to heal, you can often end up feeling worse. It’s a bumpy road out of the pothole of pain.”
Renata nodded. “I guess I understand, but can you give me a biblical example of this?”
“I’m sure if I thought about it long enough, I would come up with many.” She paused for a moment. “What about Joseph, wrongly imprisoned in Egypt. He succeeded in his job, but was still a slave and ended up in jail, where he succeeded as well but wasn’t released. He had little hope of getting out until he told the dreams of two of Pharaoh’s servants, but they forgot about him. After years in the hole, he’s brought up to tell Pharaoh’s dreams. He became second-in-command, but had he resolved all his pain? No, what about the betrayal of his brothers that led him there in the first place? He suffered anger and grief when they come to beg for food. Eventually there was reconciliation and healing. But the road was hard and, through all of it, Joseph did not know what the outcome would be. Sometimes not knowing the end is the most painful part.
“You are making great strides, Renata, and I’m proud of you. I want to remind you that growing up in Christ, overcoming the pain of our past, is not easy or smooth. It can be like a pothole and you have an enemy ready to pop your tire to get you stuck there. Cling to God and listen to the Holy Spirit, and keep reading your Bible and believing God’s promises. Most importantly, try to grasp what Scripture says about all of who God says He is. Faithful. Creator. King. Good. Wrath. Judge. All of these have to be taken together, and I don’t think we will ever fully grasp all that God says He is. He is infinitely beyond what we can think or imagine. Emotions come and go and can strongly sway our thinking. Hold on to truth, and you’ll grow more and more into the woman God is calling you to be.”
“Potholes. Funny you should mention those as we head into the season for them. My next big one will be Thanksgiving with my family. It’s always hard for me to be with them and not feel diminished and small.”
“Why do you go?”
“I don’t know. They are family. I’d like to give them one more chance.”
“When you try to share your life with them, do they put you down?
“Yes, exactly. Nothing I do is of value to them. Nothing I care about is worthy of their esteem. No matter how much weight I gain or lose, I’m either ‘too fat’ or ‘too skinny’. Nothing is ‘right’ about me.”
“Are you taking Tony with you to meet your family?
“Tony? I hadn’t even considered it.”
“Think about it. He values you and would be an ally. It’s been over a year since you lost your baby and your husband. Now, to face the people who would not support you through that time, well, I could imagine it would be hard. There is a proverb Jesus shared in Matthew 7:6—‘Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.’ What do you think that means, Renata, in light of what you have told me about your family?”
Renata grinned. “That I’m the pearl, and my family are pigs?”
Mary Beth laughed. “God loves your family too, even if they won’t acknowledge Him or bend their knee to His authority in their life. But, in a way, you are right. You and all that you hold dear are your treasures, your pearls. Your family cannot value them because they are not in God’s family. You belong to His family now, not theirs, and therefore your values and treasures are not the material things your family cares most about. Maybe if you can keep this in mind when you go on Thanksgiving, you can withstand the desire to seek the love and approval of your family, and listen and love them for who they are. Consider taking Tony with you. He has not rejected you after all you have shared with him, and maybe seeing your family will help him understand you better. As hard as it would be to go to be with Tony’s family, because of all the children, I encourage you to consider it if the invitation were tendered.”
“Thank you, Mary Beth. You’ve given me a lot to think about.”
“I know. You belong to Christ, and it is a joy to watch you grow and embrace the challenges, as hard as they are. Many women who have encountered what you did would have walked as far away from God and the church as possible. It’s a joy to see you persevering and holding on to Him who called you for His purposes and His glory. Let me pray for you, and we will schedule an appointment in December.” Mary Beth leaned over to touch Renata’s hand and pray God’s blessing over her.
* * *
Thursday night came, and Tony arrived at Renata’s apartment.
“Thanks for picking me up.” Renata slid into the car seat.
“My pleasure.” Tony closed the door and walked around to the driver’s side of the car, got in and started the engine, and pulled onto the road.
“Can I ask you something? You can say ‘no’ if you want, but would you at least consider my request?”
“You’ve definitely piqued my interest. I’m all ears.”
“Next week is Thanksgiving, and my parents are having a meal at one, at their home up near Oshkosh, and I was wondering if you would go with me.”
“Join you for Thanksgiving? I’d get to meet your family? That would be interesting. I’m surprised you even asked, given the way your family has treated you. I’m amazed you are even considering going. I’ll come, if only to protect you.”
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”
“You asked me to come and now you are trying to talk me out of it?” Tony grinned. “Is it that bad?” He was puzzled. Renata was silent, and he noticed she looked down at her hands and fiddled with the fringe on her scarf. “I’m sorry, Ren. From what you’ve told me, they’ve not been good to you. I will gladly go and be whatever support I can.”
Renata smiled sadly at him. “Thanks, Tony. I wish I were courageous enough to face them on my own”—her voice dropped to a whisper—“but I’m not.”
“You are afraid of depending on me too much? What are friends for? You have to be one of the bravest women I know. We’ll go brave the lion’s den together, and we will be fine.”
“Thank you. I’m not taking you away from your own family’s celebration?”
“Not at all, since the restaurant is closed for the holiday, all my siblings go to their in-laws’ homes. My parents go to be with my grandparents, and I’m left to fend for myself. You are saving me from a lonely day. My family meets the Sunday after for football and turkey, and I would be delighted if you would come and finally brave the full force of the De Luca clan by my side.”
“You need assistance?”
“Yes, you will save them from trying to matchmake to my face. With you there, they will do it behind my back instead. You’ve been forewarned.” He winked at her and smiled and she returned the gesture.
“Partners in mayhem. You protect me on Thursday, and I protect you on Sunday.”
“Sounds like a good plan.”
“So tonight, I can beat you in
skee-ball?” They had arrived at Chuck E. Cheese’s for pizza and games.
“I’d like to see you try, Ren, I am the master of skee-ball.”
“We’ll have to see about that, won’t we?”
* * *
Gabby gave Renata a squeeze when she came to sit next to her on Sunday morning. “Antonio says you are coming to Thanksgiving next Sunday with our family. We are all thrilled.”
“I’m looking forward to the full De Luca experience. Unfortunately, he has to endure the Hennison clan’s dysfunction on Thursday.”
“Oh, come on, Renata, your family cannot be that bad. You have to be one of their most precious children. You are beautiful, you have a good job, and you work hard and love the Lord. What would a parent not love about that?”
“A lot. I am so different from my family it would shock you. Even Tony doesn’t believe it is as bad as I’ve described. Let’s leave it at that, Gabby. To be honest, it’s not a comfortable subject for me, and I’m dreading Thursday. The only thing that will make it survivable is to have Tony by my side.”
Gabby grinned. “I knew you guys would hit it off. I’m happy he has found you, Renata.” She leaned closer and whispered, “I hope one day I might call you my sister as well as friend.”
Renata smiled. “But Gabby, since we’re sisters in Christ, you already have your wish. Please, don’t rush us.”
“Fine, I’ll back off, but I won’t stop praying. I can’t promise you the rest of the family won’t put pressure on you.”
Renata laughed. “Your family adores Tony, and rightly so. I’ve already had a few warnings I had better not mess with him or break his heart. I’m determined to follow my own heart and God’s leading in this.”
“Fair enough... ‘sista’!”
Tony arrived a minute after worship had started. Stephanie had left a spot open and moved over to let him stand next to Renata. She grinned and shook her head as she looked around Tony to her friend, who pretended not to notice.
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