Darren’s own stomach already felt rumbly enough, so he stuck his burrito into his back pocket for later, just in case.
Juan-Carlos clutched his middle. “Oh, that did the trick all right. I’m cooking with gas again.”
“Just keep it clenched, guys,” Darren said. “We’re going to need everything we’ve got to stop that creature!”
Looking north, Darren saw the Fartasaurus heading into the heart of town. Screams, crashes, honking horns, and squealing brakes made it easy to keep track of where it was heading.
“Let’s go,” Darren said, taking charge. “It’s time to fight farts with farts!”
CHAPTER FOUR
Sirens blared as the Buttzville Police Department responded to the emergency. Spinning lights flashed on top of the squad cars, which squealed to a halt in front of the oncoming Fartasaurus. Startled police officers piled out of the cars. Their jaws dropped and their eyes bulged. Buttzville was a fairly quiet little town. Darren guessed that the police had never had to deal with a rampaging dinosaur before.
“Halt!” a policeman shouted through a bullhorn. “Sit! Stay! Play dead!”
The Fartasaurus ignored the commands. Instead it turned around and lifted its tail. A thunderous blast sent the cops flying backward, head over heels. A disgusting smell, like a truckload of spoiled eggs, overpowered the police. They staggered to their feet, choking and gagging for air. People ran past, screaming, crying, knocking policemen and policewomen over to get away. Cars crashed, glass shattered, and broken fire hydrants sprayed water into the air. It was total chaos.
“Retreat!” the lead officer shouted. “Clear out this area and get all these civilians away from here. We need backup for this!”
The cops cleared the area and then jumped in their cars and sped away from the angry Fartasaurus.
“Things are getting out of control,” Darren said. “We need to take down that dinosaur, fast!”
“What’s the plan?” Tina asked.
Good question, Darren thought. “Try to herd it back into the pit? Using our powers?”
“Works for me,” Juan-Carlos said. “Let’s go kick some stinky dinosaur butt!”
The Fart Squad changed into costume and leaped into action. Walter’s fart-power was that he got so gassy he could turn into a human helium balloon. He jumped up and down a few times to make sure that he was fully inflated and then he let go of the rail he was holding and lifted off into the sky.
He propelled himself with jets of passed gas toward the Fartasaurus. He usually wore a crash helmet when flying, just in case, but he hadn’t brought one along on the field trip. He was a pretty good ways up in the air before he realized that a rough landing was really going to hurt.
“I must say,” he called out, “I do believe I’m actually becoming more proficient at my aerial maneuvers!”
“Just watch where you’re flying!” Darren shouted back at him.
Startled by the airborne intruder, the creature let out an ear-splitting squawk and swatted at Walter with its clawed forelimbs. But Walter had been training long and hard with their scent-sei Stan and the flying fourth-grader swooped away from the monster’s reach.
“You’re not as fast as you think!” he hollered. “Return to the primeval abyss whence you came! You’re supposed to be extinct!”
The Fartasaurus spun at Walter like a toddler with jam on his hands trying to chase away a bee.
While the Fartasaurus was distracted by Walter, Tina and Juan-Carlos crept closer. Juan-Carlos darted ahead first. His fart power was the time bomb. He could leave behind stink that wouldn’t be smelt until he was well out of range. He may have dealt it but Juan-Carlos never smelt it! So Juan-Carlos left a series of stink bombs in the dinosaur’s path. They went off one by one as the Fartasaurus stomped down the middle of Main Street. The rapid-fire blasts of nasty smells would have knocked out most normal creatures, but the giant monster just sniffed the air and smiled.
“Seriously?” Juan-Carlos asked in disbelief. “I think he actually likes the smell of farts.”
Meanwhile, Tina appeared to be minding her own business, but Darren knew better. Tina’s farts were silent but deadly. With their scent-sei’s help, she’d learned how to control herself so that you’d never know from looking her in the face that she was squeezing one out. And her gas was the most powerful of all; one whiff usually knocked a normal person out cold. Tina zeroed in on the Fartasaurus. She looked so innocent and harmless. Darren had no idea that she’d even farted until he saw her rush around a corner to safety as if she expected the creature to come crashing down on her.
The Fartasaurus took a deep breath and then wrinkled its snout. It swayed atop its enormous legs. Yellow eyes rolled in their sockets. It rubbed them and yawned.
Yes! Darren thought. Way to go, Tina!
But the monster shook its head to clear the fog from its brain. It stopped swaying and regained its balance. Its yawn turned into a ferocious roar. Even Tina’s farts weren’t strong enough to knock it out. The Fartasaurus raised its tail—and sent a gale-force fart at the squad. Tina and Darren tumbled backward down the street from the force of the fart alone. A horrible stench, even more pungent than their own atomic farts, washed over the kids. Darren was suddenly very grateful for his superpowers. If he wasn’t fart-o-fied, as Scent-sei Stan called their immunity to all things stinky, Darren was sure he’d be out for the count and about to be dinosaur food.
Even still, Fartasaurus Rex outgassed the Fart Squad.
Unless Darren could turn things around.
CHAPTER FIVE
During the week, the Buttzville Farmer’s Market occupied the park in the center of town. Lining the paths were stalls that sold everything from fruits and vegetables to homemade cookies and cupcakes. Water sprayed from a marble fountain in the middle of the square. On an ordinary weekday, the market would be packed with shoppers squeezing the melons and sniffing the asparagus, but today people were running and screaming. Because, of course, a giant farting prehistoric monster was lumbering toward them.
The Fartasaurus roared first before it turned, lifted its tail, and let out a fart so rancid it made the air shimmy as it traveled. Darren watched, horrified, as Roger the mailman made the mistake of turning toward the sound as he was running away. He took a single whiff and fell to the ground. This must be how the Fartasaurus hunts, Darren thought. It stuns its prey with its powerful farts. Darren was sure that Roger was as good as lunch—unless Darren did something daring. Running as fast as he could, he dodged the Fartasaurus’s swinging tail and dashed between the monster’s mammoth legs. It was up to him now to stop the beast. Fortunately, all this excitement had churned up his already upset stomach; his butt was ready to erupt again.
“Here goes nothing,” he said. “Ready, aim . . . fart!”
The fiery blast burned on its way out. He felt like he was sitting on a flame thrower, but the Fartasaurus seemed unfazed. It peered down at its chest with a puzzled expression. The creature just bulled past Darren right into the center fountain. The water washed the last of the gooey black gunk from its body. Its green scales glistened in the sunlight. The creature shook itself like a dog again. It would have been cute—if it wasn’t a giant, man-eating monster.
The Fartasaurus seemed to notice Darren staring at it, and a moment later it remembered it was mad. The fart monster crashed through the marble bowl of the fountain and came at Darren. It had Darren pinned against a wall of toppled vegetable stands. There was nowhere to run. There was no escape. Slobber dripped from the Fartasaurus’s jaws. It eagerly licked its chops. Its stomach growled ominously.
Uh-oh, Darren thought. Maybe I didn’t quite think this through. . . .
The Fartasaurus opened its jaws wide. Its breath was almost as bad as the smell coming from the other end of its digestive system. Darren flinched and braced himself for the end. The dinosaur lunged forward, ready to chomp, bearing a row of huge flat teeth. . . .
And it darted right past Darren and st
arted gobbling up the vegetables behind him instead.
“Huh?”
Scrambling out of the way, Darren stared in confusion as the “ferocious” monster chomped down on bushels of defenseless cabbages, broccoli, and Brussels sprouts, completely ignoring the tender human morsel nearby. Its tail wagged happily as it feasted on the veggies. Darren was puzzled at first, until he took another look at the creature’s mouth. Unlike the razor-sharp fangs on the demolished skeleton back at the museum, the Fartasaurus’s teeth were square and stumpy.
“It’s not a predator at all,” Darren realized. “It’s a plant-eater!”
CHAPTER SIX
The rest of the Fart Squad caught up with Darren. Juan-Carlos and Tina tugged on his arms, trying to drag him away from the market and the hungry Fartasaurus. “Come on,” Juan-Carlos said. “We need to make tracks before that monster finishes its salad. We could be the next item on the menu!”
“Wait,” Darren said. “I think we’ve had this all wrong. It’s not dangerous at all, just lost and confused . . . and very, very hungry.”
“That’s not what they said at the museum,” Tina said. “The Professor said it was a relative of the Buttosaurus and that the Buttosaurus was a ferocious predator.”
“They must have put the wrong skull on that skeleton,” Darren guessed, “and mixed up two different dinosaurs.” Scientists had made similar mistakes before, he knew, when putting fossils together like jigsaw puzzles. He remembered noticing that the fossil’s skull was shaped differently from the living dinosaur’s. “This one is harmless!”
“Well, I wouldn’t go that far,” Tina said. Her nose wrinkled above her face mask. “Look at how it’s gobbling down all that cabbage, broccoli, and sprouts. No wonder it’s a Fartasaurus!”
She had a point. The creature seemed to have a taste for gas-producing veggies.
“So now what?” Juan-Carlos asked. “We’re just going to let it graze—like a prehistoric cow?”
“Maybe.”
Darren didn’t see any point in fighting the Fartasaurus now that they knew it didn’t want to eat people. It occurred to him that most of the damage so far had actually been caused by people panicking, not by the Fartasaurus itself. Perhaps all they needed to do was guide the dinosaur back to the museum, where it could be studied and taken care of by Professor Paleo. He remembered what he had told Andy before, about how great it would be to see an actual living, breathing dinosaur. He had gotten his wish all right.
“We need to save this animal, not stop it!”
“That could be harder than it sounds.” Tina glanced down at her smartphone. “There’s an emergency alert on the internet. A police SWAT team is on its way and they’re not messing around. They’re bringing rocket launchers and grenades and who knows what else.”
“Oh no!” Darren exclaimed. “They don’t need to do that!”
He was horrified by the idea of the police launching a full-scale attack on the harmless dinosaur. He looked over at the Fartasaurus, who was still happily munching on the veggies, wagging its tail. An enormous burp slipped from its snout as it moved from one vegetable stall to the next. It really was kinda cute, Darren realized, now that he knew it wasn’t going to eat anybody.
“Maybe we can explain,” he said.
“Yeah, right,” Juan-Carlos scoffed. “Who’s going to pay attention to a couple of kids when there’s a scary-looking prehistoric creature on the loose? If it looks like a monster and stomps like a monster, they’re going to treat it like a monster! It’s dino-profiling, I tell you!”
Darren had seen enough monster movies to know that Juan-Carlos had a point. The army always fought the rampaging beast in the end. No way was anyone going to listen to them while the runaway dinosaur was still running amok.
“We need to get the Fartasaurus back to the museum,” he decided. “If it’s back where it belongs and not stomping through town, people might calm down long enough to figure out that it’s just a big vegetarian after all.”
“But the SWAT team is already on its way,” Tina said. “We’re running out of time.”
A plan began to form in Darren’s head. “That’s where you and Juan-Carlos come in. I need you to slow down the police while Walter and I lure the F. Rex back to the museum. Do you think you can do that?”
Tina smirked. “Just watch us.”
“You bet,” Juan-Carlos agreed. “‘Distracting’ is my middle name.”
“I thought that was ‘Unfunny,’” Tina said.
“Everybody’s a critic.”
Walter swooped lower to join in the conversation. “What about yours truly?” he inquired. “How exactly do you intend to entice yonder herbivore back to its formerly antediluvian stomping grounds? And where precisely do I fit into your stratagem?”
Darren spotted a stall of fresh vegetables that the Fartasaurus hadn’t gotten to yet. A canvas banner stretched above the stand. He grinned at Walter.
“How much cabbage can you lift?”
CHAPTER SEVEN
Tina and Juan-Carlos took off on their mission. Tina thought it felt strange going into action without the other half of the Squad beside them, but sometimes teamwork meant splitting up and trusting your friends.
“You sure you know what to do?” she grilled Juan-Carlos. “No joking?”
“Just watch! I’m going to make like the wind.” He snickered. “Make wind, get it?”
Tina rolled her eyes. “Cool the comedy and get going.”
He hurried away, leaving Tina behind. She could hear the sirens from blocks away. She ran toward the commotion, hoping she could get to the SWAT team before it got to the defenseless Fartasaurus.
The strike team was zooming down Main Street like a parade. Flashing red lights spun on top of an entire fleet of police cars and vans. Motorcycles roared alongside the larger vehicles. There was even an armored tank rolling down the street at the front of the caravan.
Where the heck did that come from? Tina wondered. Fort Buttz?
She gulped and checked to make sure her mask was in place. She couldn’t believe she was actually doing this—and for a stinky dinosaur no less. Still, she didn’t want an innocent animal to end up extinct again. The Fartasaurus was one of a kind.
Working up her nerve, she rushed into the street right in front of the oncoming vehicles, which slammed on their brakes at the sight of the little girl. The top of the tank flipped open and a police commander climbed out. He had on black body armor and a helmet. His name, SPANK, was printed in block letters on his chest. She guessed he was the leader of the SWAT team.
“You shouldn’t be here, little lady,” he said. “It’s not safe!”
“I ran away from the monster!” she sobbed, pretending to be scared. She sniffled and wiped fake tears from her eyes. She pointed away from the market toward the other side of town. “It’s heading that way! Toward my school!”
“Are you sure about that?” He took off his helmet to reveal a puzzled expression. “That’s not what we—”
A blaatt like a sonic boom came from a nearby side street, maybe a block away. A disgusting odor wafted from the same direction.
Tina smirked behind her face mask. For once, Juan-Carlos’s timing was perfect.
“You see? You smell that? It’s over there!”
Officer Spank’s nose wrinkled and he made a face. “Hmm. That does smell like our target. . . .”
Another stink bomb went off somewhere to the east, on the other side of the street, and then a few blocks behind the troops. Rude noises and smells started popping up in every direction, just out of sight. Juan-Carlos was clearly covering a lot of ground.
“What in the world?” Spank looked around in confusion. “I thought there was only one monster?”
A motorcycle trooper called out to the police commander. “Which way are we going?”
“Hang on a sec!” Spank said, flustered. “Let me think. . . .”
Tina didn’t give him a chance. Nobody heard a thing, but Spank
suddenly gagged and placed a hand over his mouth. His eyes rolled backward until only the whites could be seen and he collapsed limply onto the pavement. He was out cold.
“Commander!” The other cops rushed forward. “What happened to him?”
Tina shrugged innocently. “I’m sure I have no idea.”
Baffled troopers looked at one another, unsure who was in charge now, or which way the Fartasaurus was heading. Noisy stink bombs kept going off all around, in every direction except the right one.
That should slow things down, Tina thought. But did we buy Darren and Walter enough time to get the F. Rex to safety?
CHAPTER EIGHT
“Hurry! It’s gaining on you!”
Darren shouted up at Walter, who was cruising through the sky like a blimp. Bushels of cabbage, suspended in a sling made from a “borrowed” banner, weighed Walter down. He was barely managing to keep ahead of the hungry Fartasaurus chasing after him. Drool poured from the dinosaur’s jaws. Its wide yellow eyes were fixed on the lucky veggies that slipped out.
“Rest assured that I am sufficiently aware of that fact,” Walter said, straining to stay aloft. “I am proceeding as expeditiously as possible, under the circumstances!”
“Stop talking. Save the air for your butt!” Darren called back.
He ran ahead of Walter, leading the way past deserted shopping centers, gas stations, and used-car lots. They had successfully lured the F. Rex away from the market square, but the museum was still a block away. Darren heard police sirens in the distance and wondered how much time they had left to get the dinosaur to safety. He knew he could count on Tina and Juan-Carlos to throw some smelly obstacles in the SWAT team’s path, but farts only went so far.
Fart Squad #2: Fartasaurus Rex Page 2