“I’m sorry to hear that,” he said. She looked down again. What the hell was she supposed to say now? That she wanted to be with him? That she had always wanted to be with him? To her relief, he started talking again.
“You know, that one weekend we went up to the lake?”
She gave him a puzzled look. “Yeah, I remember.”
“Early that one night, before things got weird with Darren. You were wearing this pink dress. And then you got in my bed.” She remembered that night clear as day. The night that she had thought, that she had hoped something might happen.
“And I remember, Courtney and I were on the couch, and she was going on and on about how Chelsea Dunn kept screwing up every time she was inbounding the ball,” Knox said, breaking into a slight smile. She giggled and rolled her eyes. “But as she kept talking, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. You were so. . .sexy,” he said, with a chuckle, still looking down at his cup. “But I remember being in such awe at how effortless it was for you. All these other girls, they’d spend hours, but you, it was just natural. And I wanted you. So, so badly that night. And then I asked you to stay with me. I had all these intentions. All these horrible, dirty, intentions. Man, if you had only known what I wanted to do that night. But then I freaked out, because I had never really admitted to myself that I wanted you that way. ” Finally, he looked up at her.
Bria felt her body tightening. She remembered that feeling, of forgetting to breathe, in disbelief that she was in the same bed as him, underneath the same covers. Before she could wrap her mind around what he was saying, he continued.
“But I knew that if we did it, one of two things would happen. The first, was that we’d stop talking, things would get weird, and I would hurt you; same thing that happened with any other girl I slept with. But the second option was that I’d want more. More than just sex with you. And I was fucking terrified. I didn’t know how to. . . I still don’t know how to do this. But Jesus, I wanted you that night.” He was staring down at his hands, now. “And then, the other night, at the Café. Good God. That all came back to me, when I saw you dancing up there.”
“Knox, I. . .” she started to say, but she felt her hands trembling. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
“Because, Bria,” he said, standing up now, and walking toward the window, “I guess I thought. . . I don’t know. I guess I just thought it sort of went without saying. I mean, Jesus, I held your hand all the time, I’d touch you whenever I got the fuckin’ chance. We were together all the time. . . with every other girl I’d been with, that was all it took. But you never took the bait like they did, and I guess I thought that you didn’t feel the same way.”
She stared at him in disbelief. All those times, all those chances. “There was one time that I was going to tell you. I showed up in College Park. I found out where you lived from Mari, and I showed up, hoping to surprise you. And then I saw you, dressed for that date. . .”
Her jaw dropped. It was the night of her first date with Drew. The night she had been so pissed that Knox never called her, when he was really coming to see her.
“That night, when you were going on that date, I just had this feeling that I was losing you. So I didn’t come back. I didn’t tell you, because I don’t know how to lose you. So I settled for just being your friend. Because I’d rather have had you like that, than not at all. Even if we stopped talking all the time, even if things weren’t. . . the same. At least I still had you. There was no sad, dramatic ending to us that way. I had all the memories in my mind to revisit.” The tears were pricking her eyes.
“So that’s why you stopped answering me?” she asked. It all made sense now. He nodded.
“Yeah. It was getting to be a little bit painful for me. But I found that if I kept my distance, the pain eased up a little bit.”
She heard what he was saying, and Lord knows they were the words she had secretly fantasized about for years. No, they were better. She looked at her friend, and she knew now why he never made a move on her. Why he would never pursue her, the way he had with so many other girls. And she knew it all too well, because it was exactly the same thing that kept her from doing it, too.
“Knox—” she said, taking a step toward him.
“But I see now, B. I see now that this can’t work.”
“W-what?”
“You want the same future you’ve always wanted. You want to get out of Dalesville. Your family, God love ‘em, this town, it’s weighed you down, B. I see all you can do outside of here, all you can have, and I. . .” his voice started to shake, and she felt her knees wobbling as she pushed herself to stand.
“I can’t give that to you,” he said. “It’s not because I wouldn’t try. It’s just because . . . I don’t want to. I don’t want that. I’m not meant to be a husband, or a dad, or even a boyfriend, apparently. And you, you’re meant for more than that. And you’ve probably known that all along.” Her eyes grew wide again.
This was so not how this was supposed to go down.
“I won’t hold you back from all that, and I won’t do that to myself, either. I can’t spend any more time just wondering if I would make you happy. I’m sorry about Drew. I really am, because all I ever needed to know was that you were happy. And I could tell, every time I saw you together, I had a feeling he had no idea what a Goddamn gem he had in his hands. But you have to find that guy. I can’t be him. I think we missed our chance, B.”
Bria felt like she was going to puke. She wasn’t sure exactly what happened, but it felt a lot like Knox had professed his love to her and broken her heart, all in the span of five minutes. She said nothing; she just grabbed her bag off the table, and walked out of the house.
Her drive home was like one from a movie, where a highlight reel of all of their best times together played in her head. Of course, the low and sad Adele song she played in the background just added to the dramatic effect, but still.
She thought of every moment he had stroked her face, grabbed for her hand, called her a pet name. She thought of every moment that he had been there. She should have said something. She should have fucking said something.
And now, he was right: she wanted children, and a fucking future. But what he was wrong about was her needing to get out, and get away. That was her excuse for so long, but she had been so, so wrong. She felt like she had all the pieces to her life, but they were all out of order. And for an extremely brief moment between Drew leaving and her showing up to Knox’s house, she stupidly supposed that he fit into that picture so perfectly. Her future right now was a puzzle with one huge-ass piece missing. But he wasn’t the right piece. A round peg into a square hole, or whatever that stupid fucking saying was. And the worst part was, she still hadn’t told him that she felt that way about him, too.
She actually clutched her chest as she drove. She pulled into the parking lot by the swings, the same lot she and Knox had parked in so many times, at so many different times in their lives. She plopped down on the seat with the shorter chains, as if he would be coming to take the better one, staring blankly ahead of her.
She would never admit it out of respect for Drew, but the moment it was over between the two of them, the moment Bria was “free,” Knox’s face popped into her head. She needed to try and find out what place he was supposed to have in her life.
But now, as she sat on the swings, on their swings, she realized that she and Knox, whatever they had, might be over. And those last words, that last glimpse of him, with tears in his eyes, could be the last time she ever saw him. She’d lost him, and he had never even been hers.
ONE YEAR LATER
TWENTY-FOUR
Bria plopped down on the couch with a bowl of cereal, flipping through the channels until she landed on House Hunters.
“Ew, those carpets are gross,” she said to herself, but leaving the channel on. After all, she couldn’t change it without knowing which house the adorable couple with seemingly no real source of income chose.
She looked around her own apartment. It was small, but she had slowly been adding her own little touch to it in the way of decorations and amateur paint jobs since she moved in a year ago.
It was in Dalesville, just a few miles from her family. Of course, after her split with Drew, and the end of whatever she had with Knox, Louise had begged for her to stay with them.
“Please, honey, think about it,” she said. “You can save money, Lord knows we owe you some, and this way you don’t have to be alone all the time.”
Although the idea of moving back in full-time with her parents was slightly intriguing, she couldn’t bear the idea of being a 25-year-old with a full-time job still living at home. She needed space. She needed to show herself that she could be independent.
This was, after all, the first time she had been single in over five years. According to Mari, she should be “living it up.” But her idea of living it up was yanking her bra off the second she got home and sliding into the baggiest pair of sweatpants she had—the ones she got in high school with the stretchiest waist band. They had the perfect amount of give when she felt like eating an entire Chipotle burrito or a donut or two.
To Bria’s surprise, this year had actually been pretty good. She had gotten another small promotion at work which came with a little bit of a raise, she’d bought herself a new car, and most of all, Katie was doing well. There was a scare earlier in the year; the doctors were concerned with some sort of infection, or some sort of reaction Katie had to a medicine.
To be honest, Bria didn’t exactly know what the problem was. It seemed to resolve itself, and Katie was doing great. Sam had gotten a job, working about thirty minutes away, and the Kreery family unit was still as close as ever. And Bria was loving it.
But of course, every time she’d hear a certain song, or have an ice cream cone, she’d think of Knox.
And it hurt.
Although they’d had their “sabbaticals” in the past when they went months, maybe even years without talking, she always felt like he would be there if she did reach out. Their “friendship,” or, what was left of it, had basically boiled down to one or two text messages every few months during those breaks, but at least she knew the basics of his life.
But this time, things were different. Bria couldn’t bring herself to reach out to him. She didn’t want to know how he was doing. Because if it was bad, her heart would break. And if it was good, her heart would break again.
Besides, he hadn’t contacted her, either.
Once, she and Sam almost ran into Mrs. Knoxville at the grocery store. But when they spotted her, they practically did a backflip down the next aisle, ducking behind displays of pasta sauce until she walked by.
Bria just couldn’t. She didn’t want to know.
Every so often her longing to see him, or hear him, the emptiness that she felt, would fade. Until the next time Dirty Dancing was on, or she was cold and needed a hoodie. God, there were so many things that reminded her of him. It was actually a little annoying. But still, for the most part, her life was good.
Then things started changing again.
Katie started complaining of back pain, and she was napping all day long. She dropped one of her classes, and was on the border of failing another. Some days, she had trouble catching her breath. One morning, she actually passed out while she was getting ready for class, and Louise and Joe knew it was time to take her back in.
All five of the Kreeries dreaded the “we better make an appointment” discussion, because it always ended in a not-so-good prognosis.
“I don’t understand,” Louise said, staring blankly ahead at Dr. Carmen. “She was fine a month ago. She’s been fine for a year.”
Bria sat on a rolling stool across from Louise and Joe in a tiny room as they waited for the nurses to bring Katie back in from her scan.
“Well, Mr. and Mrs. Kreery, I’m afraid I have some serious news. Looking at Katie’s ultrasound results, I’m afraid she is experiencing end-stage renal failure,” Dr. Carmen said, his tone extremely calm, despite the news he was delivering.
Bria watched her parents’ faces, trying to get a read on the exact emotions going through their heads.
“Kidney failure, my God,” her father whispered.
“How did this happen? What would our options be?” Louise asked, panic oozing out of her. Dr. Carmen cleared his throat.
“Well, it’s hard to pinpoint the exact cause, but I suspect it has something to do with the medications she’s been on all these years. Or, it could be some sort of underlying infection . . . it’s really hard to say. There appears to be some major damage done to them, and at this point, she’s lost about eighty-percent of her kidney function. We will start her on dialysis right away to help remove some of the waste from her blood, but her best option at this point would be to look for a donor.”
Bria felt her arms get heavy as she tried to lift one to put around her mother’s shoulders. Luckily, her father beat her to it.
“Donor?” her mother choked out. “Jesus!”
“I know, ma’am, but I just want to make you aware of the current situation. I’m so sorry.”
When Dr. Carmen left the room, Louise burst into tears. Joe held her tight, stroking her arm. For a moment, Bria forgot where she was, and all about the news she received. She watched her parents. Throughout the course of their marriage, she and her sisters had seen them struggle so much. The recession, layoffs, medical bills; money had not been a friend to them. She and Sam and Katie had just been drifting on the flood, watching their parents constantly tread water to stay afloat.
But as she watched them now, her mother leaning on her father, just as he had leaned on her in the past, Bria knew that this was what she needed in a partner. She needed a constant, a rock. And she wanted to be that rock for someone. She didn’t need to be saved, because in all actuality, she knew she couldn’t run from all the evils of life. She just needed someone to have her back. And she wanted to be that person in return. But she snapped back to reality when the door opened, the nurses pushing Katie’s bed back into place.
“It’s bad, isn’t it?” Katie said, noticing her mother’s tear-stained cheeks.
“Don’t worry, kid,” Bria said, stroking her sister’s hair. “We’re going to get you what you need.”
As Joe and Louise sat on either side of Katie’s bed to discuss the prognosis and her options, Bria excused herself from the room. She needed a breather.
She was resting her head against the big, white bricks of the hospital corridor when Dr. Carmen walked by.
“Excuse me, um, Dr. Carmen? I’m Bria Kreery, Katie’s sister,” she said.
He was a tall man, ruggedly handsome with jet-black hair and gray eyes. His skin was tan, and she couldn’t help but think that he looked like a Ken doll she had once owned. She guessed he was only five or six years older than she, but the wrinkles around his eyes made him look older. Probably from the years of giving patients shitty news, she supposed.
“Hi, Bria,” he said.
“Look, um, how do we tell if I’m a match for my sister? If she needs a kidney, I mean.”
Dr. Carmen looked down at his clipboard, likely late for his next patient. But his face relaxed a little.
“Wow, Bria, that’s very brave of you to ask. We have to run some blood tests to see if you’re compatible. You should know, though, that donating a kidney isn’t an easy procedure. It can be as long of a recovery for the donor as it is for the patient. If you want to get some testing done, you can call my office to schedule it.”
She nodded.
Bria couldn’t sleep that night. She had told Katie she’d stay at their parents’ with her tonight, and she could hear her littlest sister tossing and turning in the other room. It broke Bria’s heart.
After Katie’s appointments, they had spent the rest of the afternoon watching Nicholas Sparks movies that Bria pretended to hate, but secretly loved. And now, she laid awake, staring at the N*SYNC poster tha
t still clung to the ceiling in her childhood bedroom, wondering if her kidney would work inside of her sister’s body. Wondering what would happen if it didn’t. Wondering if her little sister would survive this.
And there was one person who might be awake right now. But she couldn’t text him, or call him, or sneak over to his house.
Because he was wrong for her.
So she laid awake, silent tears rolling down her cheeks.
TWENTY-FIVE
Understandably, Katie was quiet the next few days. She smiled at her mom when she dropped two pancakes on her plate, but the smile didn’t reach her eyes. Just then, the front door burst open.
“Hey, dudes,” Sam said, kicking it shut behind her.
Bria beamed. These two girls were her world.
“Hey, Sammy,” Bria said. Sam rolled her eyes. She hated that name.
The five of them sat at the breakfast table, listening to Sam’s saga about her horrific new male coworker who hit on her every day for a week, despite the countless times she mentioned Abby and the fact that she had a girlfriend.
Then they talked about this woman at Louise’s office who was infamous for dumping the coffee grounds down the sink.
“And there isn’t even a disposal in there! I am so sick of digging my hand down there to pull them out!”
Bria laughed and shook her head. As she stood to clean up, Katie plugged the speaker into the wall on the island, turning up Sam Cooke so the whole family could sing as they tidied up. Sam took the lead, while Katie and Bria were the backup singers. Eventually, though, Sam tossed the wooden spoon microphone to Joe so that she could scrub a pan. Louise played the piano, which made Bria hunch over in a fit of laughter—there was no piano in the song.
Then, Louise’s phone rang, and the Kreery family went silent, a rare happening for them.
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