She practically ran across the street to get back to the fire hall, making her way through the big doors. She scanned the room until she saw him. He was about to sit down in one of the chairs as the nurse was tying a rubber band around his upper arm.
“Drew,” Bria said. He turned around slowly.
“Hey,” he said, with a pained smile. She reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck. The hug lasted longer than she expected, but she really didn’t mind. She actually had missed him.
“You’re here,” she said.
“Of course I’m here,” he said. “I love your family. I love Katie. I still love you.”
She looked down at the ground, unsure how to respond.
“Don’t worry,” he said. “I’m not here to try and win you back. I assume that my spot has already been taken, anyway. Where is Knox, anyhow?”
She looked up at him.
“I, uh, I don’t know, actually.” He looked at her quizzically. “We’re not, uh, not together.” She half expected him to smile in triumph. But he didn’t. And if she wasn’t mistaken, he actually looked saddened by the news.
“I’m really sorry, B. I really thought that. . .”
“I know,” she said with a faint smile. “But it’s okay. I’m okay. Are you?”
“I am,” he said. “I’m seeing someone―it’s new, but I like her. And I got the fellowship I wanted.”
“Oh, Drew, I’m so happy to hear that,” she whispered. And she really was. “I can’t thank you enough for coming today.”
“Of course,” he said, squeezing her hand.
Throughout the rest of the day, she saw troves of people she knew. And she almost fell to floor when Mari walked through the doors.
“Let’s get this blood pumpin’!” she shouted.
“Mari!” she cried out, running to her full force. “Mari! You’re here!”
“Of course, baby! You know I wouldn’t miss this! I’m home for a week. You, me, we’re having a good old fashioned slumber party and listening to Fall Out Boy nonstop. Now, I’ll see you after I get this blood drawn. Mwah!”
Finally, as the last of her friends, aunts, uncles, cousins, and even her grandmother funneled out of the fire hall, it was just her and Dr. Carmen.
“Hey,” she said, walking over to him as he closed up some sort of medical case.
“Hey,” he said back, not making eye contact.
“Look, about today,” she started to say, but he held up his hand.
“No, no. I’m so sorry about today,” he said. “I shouldn’t have done that. It was so inappropriate and unprofessional. Man, I could lose my job for—”
“I would never tell anyone. And I’m flattered, really. And I can’t thank you enough,” she said, wrapping her arms around him.
“Well, Bria, if you ever need to talk, you still have my card,” he said with a smile. “I’ll be in touch as soon as we have results back.”
She nodded. Just as she was closing up, her phone rang in her pocket.
“Hi my love,” Mari said on the other line, “send me your new address. I’m headed your way in T minus ten.”
That night, Mari lay across Bria’s couch, fiddling with her iPhone while simultaneously flicking through the channels.
“So, how’s L.A.?”
“Oh, God, it’s gorgeous,” she said. “If it weren’t for you and my parents, I’d never come back to this side of the country. Seriously, I was made to live out there.”
“That’s great, Mari,” Bria said, squeezing in next to her on the couch. “How are the guys?”
“They are hot. And tan, and they always smell like coconut oil and sunscreen. But we can talk about that later. What is going on with you?” she asked, turning her attention fully to Bria and dropping all electronic devices.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, what’s going on in the guy department? Have you heard from Knox?”
“Nope. Not for a year.”
“Wow. I’m so sorry, hon. I hate to say this, but it still really surprises me. But look, maybe Knox was just a chapter in your life, you know?” Bria sighed.
“A chapter?” she asked. Mari nodded and took her hand.
“Yeah, maybe. A chapter you never got to finish reading,” Mari said. She paused for a moment, looking Bria up and down. “He messed you up, didn’t he?”
Bria smiled faintly and shook her head. “I messed myself up. I messed myself up by keeping my mouth shut all those years.”
“Well, hon, maybe it’s time to start moving on. Knox probably isn’t ‘forever’ material anyways, ya know?” Bria nodded. Yeah, she knew. And that’s what hurt the most.
The next day, Bria called to get an update on the blood donors.
“We had twenty people yesterday who matched her blood type,” Dr. Carmen told her over the phone. “They are all scheduled to come in this week and complete their testing.”
“Great,” she said. “That’s great news. Thank you so much, Eric.”
“You got it,” he said.
Katie had a check-in that afternoon too, and Bria had offered to go along.
She watched, as she had so many times before, while Eric poked and prodded, the nurses stuck her and taped her, invading all her privacy and any dignity she may have had left. But it was like Katie didn’t even notice, and that made Bria even sadder. She wondered if Katie would ever get to experience life the way she and Sam had. The way most people had. Not just in-between appointments. Not constantly waiting to feel better.
“Well,” Eric finally said, typing one more note into his laptop before closing it, “I think we are all good to go for today. How do you feel, Katie?” he asked.
“I feel okay,” she said.
“Okay, good. Well, keep your chin up. One of these donors will come around,” he said, patting her on the back.
“Thanks, Dr. Carmen,” Louise said. He nodded at Bria before they all left the room.
Her mother finished paying and making the next appointment, and they made their way out the door and down the hall toward the elevators.
“Where should we get dinner tonight?” Louise asked. But in the distance, she heard someone calling her name.
“Mrs. Kreery! Mrs. Kreery!”
It was Eric, running toward them.
“Mrs. Kreery,” he said, breathless, “we have a match.”
TWENTY-SEVEN
“What? What?” Louise cried, her hands shaking as she reached for Dr. Carmen.
“Oh my gosh!” Katie exclaimed, jumping into Bria’s arms.
Just then, the office door opened, and Drew walked down the hallway toward them.
“Drew?” Bria asked. “Was it. . .you?”
He looked at her, then to Katie, then to Louise.
“I’m sorry,” he said, hanging his head, “it wasn’t me. My blood type was right, but when they brought me in for the rest of the testing, I wasn’t a match.”
Bria actually breathed a silent breath of relief. Although she would have done anything to save her sister, she was really hoping that didn’t mean taking a kidney from her ex-fiancé. Talk about things hanging over your head.
“Don’t be sorry,” Bria said, wrapping her arms around him, “I am forever grateful that you tried.” He grabbed her hand and kissed it, then looked up at her with a sad smile.
“I’m so happy you found someone,” he said to Katie, without taking his eyes of Bria. She smiled and nodded. This was probably the last time she’d see him, and they both knew it. As he walked down the hall, Bria watched him with a twinge of sadness, but yet, not an ounce of regret. She had loved him, but their time together had definitely expired. It was definite, with a clear start and ending.
“So, if it wasn’t Drew, who was it, doc?” Katie asked, snapping Bria back to the much more critical situation at hand.
“I’m sorry, but unless the donor decides to sign a waiver, I can’t reveal their identity.” Dr. Carmen said. “I will ask at the appointment on Monday.” Katie nod
ded.
“Who cares?” Louise said, choking back more tears. “All that matters is that we have a match! What do you want for dinner, Kates? I will make whatever you want!”
Bria choked back actual sobs. She couldn’t remember the last time she was this truly happy. Well, she could. But she didn’t want to. Instead, she wanted to focus on the fact that her little sister was going to survive. Her little sister was going to live.
That night, she and Sam cleaned up the whole house. Mopping, vacuuming, scrubbing; they channeled their inner-Louise and cleaned like she would.
They did all the laundry, prepared a few freezer meals for the week ahead, and made sure the DVD player was set up for Katie while she was recovering. In a few days, she’d be laying up on the couch, getting to know the new organ that would keep her alive. Finally, their mother walked in, carrying way too many groceries for one trip. Sam and Bria ran to help her. But Louise didn’t seem to be in the same chipper mood that she had been just a few hours earlier.
“Mom? You okay?” Sam asked, dumping a bag of Chips Ahoy! into the cookie jar.
“Yeah, yeah. I ran into Mrs. Knoxville at the store just now.” Bria felt her spine straighten involuntarily.
“Oh? Is everything okay?” Sam asked, knowing that Bria would want her to. Louise paused from dumping the apples she had bought into the fruit drawer, and dropped her head. And then she started to cry.
“Ma? What did Mrs. Knoxville say?” Bria asked, reaching for her arm. Her heart was beating through her ears.
“It’s Ben,” Louise whispered.
“What? What’s Ben? What happened?” Bria asked, frantic now. But Louise just shook her head. She finally managed to speak.
“Ben is the donor. He’s giving Katie his kidney.”
TWENTY-EIGHT
“B?” Sam asked, waving a hand in her face. “Did you hear mom?”
Bria nodded slowly, staring blankly at her mother.
“He goes in early Tuesday morning. And then Katie gets the kidney that afternoon,” Louise said, just as Joe and Katie were walking into the kitchen.
“What’s going on?” Katie asked. “What’s wrong with Bria?”
But before anyone could answer, Bria was walking toward the door, grabbing her keys off the counter.
“I. . .I have to. . .”
“Go, B,” Louise said, walking her to the door.
When she pulled up to his house, all the lights were out, but his car was still parked in front. Bria took a deep breath and stepped out, looking up at it for a moment. The last time she was here, things went so bad, so fast. But it didn’t matter. Nothing they said—or didn’t say—that night mattered. All that mattered was that Knox was giving up a piece of his damn body to save her sister’s life. He’d made sacrifices for her in the past, but nothing, nothing, compared to this. That’s why she was here. Focus, Bria.
She walked up the front steps and knocked three times, holding her breath. And then it finally opened.
He answered, to her surprise, wearing nothing but a pair of baggy jeans. As she feasted her eyes on his strong chest, she almost forgot to speak. She almost smiled at the fact that he still barely had any chest hair. He could never grow a full beard, or chest hair, or anything that could make him feel more like a man. She had playfully made fun of him for it for years in their teens. But now, his body was no laughing matter, and she was pretty sure she was actually salivating.
“Hey,” he said, looking surprised—no—utterly shocked, to see her. She tried to speak, but she couldn’t get anything out. Nothing seemed to fit the intense emotion she was feeling, the urge she had to hold onto him and not let go, combined with the overwhelming fear she had of rehashing the pain of the last night she saw him. “Bria? Are you alright?”
“Can I come in?” she finally asked.
He didn’t say anything; he just opened the door wider to let her inside. As she walked up the steps to his living room, he grabbed a shirt off a pile on the stairs and pulled it over his head.
“You thirsty, can I get you a drink?” he said, motioning to the fridge. His place was still messy, as she would have suspected, but it was cozy. Just like him.
“I’m good, thanks,” she said. He poured himself a glass of water and motioned toward the couch.
“I’m surprised to see you. So, um, how have you—”
“Knox,” she whispered, cutting him off. “I know what you’re doing for Katie.”
His eyes widened as he set his glass down on the coffee table.
“You. . .you know? How? Jesus, isn’t that shit protected by law or something? They told me no one would know.”
“Our moms ran into each other at the grocery store,” she said. He stood up, walking to the window, clasping his hands behind his head. She stood up, cautiously walking toward him.
“Aww, geez. Of course, ma,” he said. He looked down at his feet. “I didn’t want you to know.”
“Why?”
“Because. . . I didn’t want you to think I was doing it to try and. . . I don’t know. I didn’t want you to think I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I love Katie. I wanted to help if I could.”
She nodded. Of course he wasn’t doing it for her. He was doing it for Katie.
“And honestly, I couldn’t bear to think of you being in pain for the rest of your life if something happened to her,” he added.
Bria looked up at him, and the rush of feelings that came over her made her face red. She couldn’t hold back anymore. She leapt onto him, wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her face into his chest as she had so many times before. And as he wrapped his arms around her tightly, she cried.
“Thank you,” she whispered when she finally collected herself. “I don’t know what else to say. I can’t believe you’re doing this.”
He hugged her again, breathing her in for a moment longer.
But then she quickly remembered everything that had happened before. And she quickly realized that nothing else had changed. They still didn’t want the same things. And she couldn’t bear to hear those words coming from him again.
“Well,” she said, taking a few steps toward the door, “I just wanted to let you know how grateful I am, and how grateful I will always be for you, Knox.”
She smiled and touched his hand.
But he didn’t smile back. Instead, he looked over to her, his green eyes looking glassy and wet.
“Bria?” he asked, with a familiar, cracking voice.
“Yeah?”
“You know my bad spells?”
She looked down at the ground and nodded. How could she forget? Some of her darkest times were when he was in the dark.
“This past year has been hell. It’s been like one long, drawn out bad spell.” She just looked up at him. She didn’t know what to say. Hadn’t he told her to stay away?
And then, suddenly, she wasn’t afraid anymore. She didn’t care if she spilled her guts, and he said nothing in return. She was so sick of wondering, of agonizing over what they should have been. She couldn’t take it anymore. She didn’t want to. Even if she had to pick herself up off the ground and drag herself out of his house, she couldn’t leave without telling him everything she should have over a decade before.
“Knox, I. . .”
“I know I fucked this up. I fucked this up a million and one times. I should have said something when I was seventeen, or eighteen, or nineteen, or fucking twenty-six,” he said. Okay, maybe he was going to beat her to it. “Jesus, I should have said something. And I want to kick myself every day because of it. And I know I still might not be good enough, and I know I said we were wrong. . .but. . .I’m just, I’m so sorry.” He spun around, his hands clenched in his hair.
“No, Knox,” she said, touching his arm again. Oh, shit. What was happening here? “I should have said something. I guess I thought the same way you did. That I didn’t have to admit anything to you, and that you’d just know. But I was wrong. And I should have said something, too.
And don’t you ever say that you’re not good enough. You’re everything.”
“B?” he whispered again.
“Yes?”
“Please don’t leave again. I need you.”
She stared at him, and she felt her knees go weak. Not figuratively, her knees actually buckled a bit.
She had stopped herself from making a move so many times with him, for fear of it not being reciprocated. For fear of being just another stupid girl who thought she might end up with Knox. But tonight, she wasn’t afraid anymore. She’d been through a year without him, and not because she had someone else in her life. She’d been through a year without him when she could have been with him, and she had been killing herself to know what might have happened.
She’d stopped herself so many times, but she was pretty sure a stampede of rhinos couldn’t stop her tonight.
She took a step closer so that her face was inches from his. She heard him swallow. She put one hand on his cheek, then the other, letting her thumbs stroke his face gently. She looked his face up and down, taking in his emerald eyes, his nose, his perfect lips that she had never seen so close. The same lips she’d dreamt about time after time, only to wake up denying it.
She leaned in and kissed him gently, and she felt his body tense beneath her hands. It wasn’t the most perfect kiss; their lips didn’t match up perfectly, and they were standing awkwardly like two teenagers kissing on a dare. But it was electrifying.
So that was what it was like to kiss Benjamin Knoxville.
She pulled away, looking into his bright green eyes. She leaned in again, this time wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling herself up onto her tip-toes. He wrapped his hand around her head, the other around her waist, pulling her in closer, so that they were chest-to-chest. She felt him consuming her, on so many levels. She jumped up, wrapping her legs around his waist, squeezing him tight.
She kissed him hard. Like, ten years-of-pent-up-sexual-tension hard. This time, she felt his tongue on hers, and she was overjoyed that he was holding her. She was pretty sure she would have fallen if not. They paused again and looked at each other, both knowing damn well that they weren’t stopping here.
It Goes Without Saying Page 22