by Lillard, Amy
Caroline’s heart gave a little extra thump as she took her seat. It was as if she and Andrew shared a secret that no one around them knew about.
She supposed this was the way that other girls felt when they started courtin’. Most all Amish couples hid their intentions of dating and more until announcing their plans to marry in front of the entire church.
Oh, everyone in the district had their suspicions. Just as she knew that Danny Fitch and Julie King would probably announce their wedding date sometime this fall. Keeping the secret was half the fun.
But she had never had that opportunity. She had not dated until Trey, and keeping her relationship with him a secret had been heartbreaking. She knew her father would never approve. She knew that it was a hopeless association. Yet she couldn’t help herself. Maybe it was the keen light in those stormcloud-gray eyes of his. Or maybe she did enjoy the fact that her father wouldn’t approve. Perhaps there was a streak of rebellion in her after all.
Caroline pushed the thoughts away. No good to dwell on that now, the hows and the whys. All that was important now was the child she held in her arms and the man seated across the aisle from her.
In an instant her heart fell to her feet. If Andrew wanted to court her, wanted to see where a relationship between the two of them might lead . . .
What would she tell him about Emma? About Trey?
The truth, a small voice whispered. But if she told him that, how would he feel? Would he want to be with her if he found out that Emma’s father was English? That he was not dead, and they had never been married?
What would he say to her then?
Would he still want to be with her when he heard all the lies she had told?
The bishop had them stand, then told them to kneel and pray. Caroline turned toward the bench behind her and knelt. She held Emma in front of her, wrapping her arms around the toddler as she clasped her hands together and bowed her head.
There was so much to pray about: Andrew, forgiveness, understanding. Caroline sucked in a shuddering breath, inhaling the sweet scent of her daughter.
It was next to impossible to feel remorse for the birth of the child she held in her arms. How could she be remorseful for the joy of her life? Jah, having Emma changed everything for her, but she couldn’t imagine her life without the dark-haired boppli.
She blinked back tears as they rose and began to sing. She had made her choices, and she would stand by them.
With a new determination and confidence, she straightened her shoulders and directed her thoughts to the church message.
Near the end of the first sermon, Emma started fussing. No matter what Caroline did to soothe her, the child squirmed, whined, and cried. She could be wet. Or maybe even hungry. She might even be cutting new teeth, but none of the remedies Caroline had for those troubles made the child’s cries stop.
She was just about to head to the back of the room when Andrew leaned over and scooped Emma from her arms.
She was surprised to say the least, but didn’t protest as he sat down with the toddler in his lap.
Emma chewed on her fist, slobbering and fussing, though nowhere near as bad as she had been when Caroline held her. Andrew kept his head low, no doubt crooning soft words into Emma’s ear. She quieted, and Andrew bounced her and once again Caroline was grateful to have his help.
Dear Lizzie,
I know this may come as a big shock to you, but I have met someone here. Remember Caroline, the young widow I told you about? I find myself thinking about her all the time. Wondering when I can see her again. She has the sweetest baby girl named Emma, and I want to spend every moment I can with the two of them.
Caroline knows about Beth, that I loved her and wanted to marry her. She herself has not been widowed long. We’ve agreed to take it slow and just see where this takes us, but I have a feeling . . .
Well, the truth is, I kissed her, and I think it scared us both a little. I suppose that’s to be expected. Neither one of us was looking to start again yet. I guess that just shows that God has a plan whether we think we’re ready for it or not. And I know that God has a plan for you. Perhaps He wants you to follow me here to Oklahoma. Perhaps there is a new start for you here as well.
I have been debating on whether or not to return to Missouri after the summer ends, but if everything works out with Caroline (and I pray that it does), then I will remain here with her. I would not ask her to follow me to Missouri, to give up everything that she knows again to move to an unfamiliar district. It’s probably best that we stay here and have our fresh start. My heart swells at the thought. A new beginning, a wife, a child . . . What joy that would bring.
Please consider coming for a visit. Perhaps you could find a place to begin again as well.
I must close for now, it’s time to put another coat of varnish on the table Onkle has been working on. Write me when you can.
Give everyone my love,
Andrew
Chapter Fourteen
The days slipped one into the other as Caroline and Andrew, along with Esther and Abe, shared suppers, board games, and travels to church.
They took it slow as Andrew had promised, and Caroline started to wonder what it would be like if they kept this up, if they continued on until they truly became one family.
Yet in the back of her mind thoughts of Trey still haunted her. Jah, she had loved him once. Loved him enough to go against everything she had been taught was right and gut. She had even accepted that anything more between them other than the daughter they made would not be possible.
As much as she was growing to care for Andrew and all that he represented for her and Emma, thoughts of Trey haunted her.
She pulled a big pan of dinner rolls from the oven, but she wasn’t paying close enough attention and clasped part of the pan without the aid of the large pot holders she and Esther used.
“Dunnerwetter,” she exclaimed, nearly dropping the pan. She managed to get it to the cooling rack before dropping it. It clattered, metal against metal. Caroline popped her finger into her mouth to soothe the burning.
Esther shook her head. “Use sour cream on it. It’ll take out the sting.”
Caroline was all too aware of Esther’s watchful gaze as she searched the refrigerator for the large tub of sour cream they kept on hand for pastries. She scooped it up with her gut hand and shut the door. Esther handed her a spoon.
“Danki,” Caroline said, taking the utensil from the woman who had been her best friend for the last two years.
Esther crossed her arms over her ample middle. “Would you like to tell me what’s botherin’ you?”
Caroline ducked her head, feigning extreme concentration on the container in her hands rather than actually looking at Esther. “Why would something be botherin’ me?”
“I do not know,” Esther said. “But something is.”
Caroline shook her head, unable to say the actual words of the lie. Jah, something was botherin’ her, but she couldn’t talk about it. If’ n she did, no one in Wells Landing would ever look at her the same way again.
“As I see it, you have a precious dochder and a thoughtful suitor who is quite handsome as well. Nay, you have no reason for anything a’tall to be botherin’ you, but I hear you prowl around the house at night. You are so distracted that you are burning yourself.”
Caroline sighed. She wanted to talk about it, needed to even, but she was so afraid.
Esther patted her on the hand, then touched one palm to her cheek. “Pray about it, liebschdi. But know that I am always here if you need me.”
Andrew squinted against the bright noonday sun, but nothing could put a damper on his day. In fact, he’d been in a fantastic mood for some time. Ever since Caroline had agreed to start a courting of sorts and see where things might progress for them. He knew it was soon for him to start dating after Beth, but he was sure that God had placed Caroline in his life for a very gut reason. He couldn’t just let her go without giving a try to what cou
ld be.
He dropped off his letter to his sister at the post office and continued over to the park. One of the best parts of the last few weeks had been meeting Caroline in the park for lunch.
He smiled to himself. Her usual routine of meeting Emily and Lorie had changed into meeting him, and today he had an even bigger surprise for her.
He tugged on the leash he held in one hand. The once-runt of a puppy glanced up from the banana peel that he’d been smelling to once again trot behind him. He had the perfect gift for her and Emma: the pup they had enjoyed playing with during each visit to the farm. The rest of the puppies had been spoken for long ago, most of them going to farmers and ranchers. One had even gone to live with a boy who lived halfway across the state. The only one left was the runt.
Oh, the bundle of fur had eventually caught up with his bruders and sisters in spunk and energy, but he was still a small little fella. Anybody seeking a working dog had reservations about taking one that seemed like less than the rest of the litter. Andrew had hoped that once the others were gone, someone would take in the one he had dubbed Moxie. That was his first mistake: naming the dog. The other was allowing Emma to play with it so much. The silky black-and-white border collie had taken to the small girl. Andrew loved to watch the pair play together. Sometime yesterday afternoon watching them play in the grass, Andrew came up with the idea to surprise Caroline with the gift.
He couldn’t wait to see her face when he brought the pup to her today.
His smile deepened as he entered the park. Caroline had been watching for him, for she stood and waved him over.
Emma squealed as he approached, clapping her hands at the sight of the dog trailing behind him.
Caroline looked from him to the puppy, then back again. “Did you decide to keep him?” she asked.
Andrew stepped over the bench across from her and hooked Moxie’s leash around one of the legs of the table. “Something like that.”
Caroline was nothing if not smart. Her eyes narrowed. “Why do I get the feeling that I’m not going to like what you are about to tell me?”
Andrew tried to look hurt. “I hoped you would like to have this sweet puppy.”
“Have it? As in to keep?”
“Jah.”
Caroline shook her head. “I don’t know, Andrew. Esther might not want to have a dog in the house.”
“I’m sure Esther wouldn’t mind that much. Just look at him. And Emma loves him.”
Emma climbed down from her seat next to her mudder and plopped herself next to the puppy. She giggled hysterically while Moxie licked her face, tail wagging like crazy.
“Andrew . . .”
“Moxie will be a terrific watchdog for the three of you.”
“Moxie?” she asked.
“I saw it in a movie.”
“Oh.”
“It means spunky and brave.”
Caroline looked to where Emma and the pup were playing. “I guess it wouldn’t hurt to ask Esther.”
Andrew smiled in triumph. Esther was worse than an Englisch granny and could not deny Emma anything. Moxie had just found himself a new home.
“Esther,” Caroline called. “Are you ready to go?”
It was Sunday morning, and if they didn’t hurry they’d be late for church. It had just turned out to be one of those mornings. Emma had dumped her entire bowl of oatmeal on her head, the puppy had decided that he couldn’t wait a moment later to go outside and had used the kitchen floor as a bathroom, and Caroline had cut her finger slicing cantaloupe to go with their biscuits. So after Emma had another bath and Caroline took Moxie outside to finish his business, after she had re-mopped the floor and bandaged her throbbing finger, they barely had enough time to pedal to the Kauffmans’ for today’s service. Thankfully they didn’t live too far out of the town limits, but if Esther didn’t mach schnell they’d be late for sure.
“Esther,” Caroline called, her voice trailing off as Esther came out of her bedroom. “Are you ready?”
The older woman shook her head. “I can’t find my shoe.”
“Only one of them?” Caroline shifted Emma into a more comfortable position on her hip.
Esther shrugged. “It’s strange, jah? I took them off last night in my room. I thought I left them by my bed.”
Emma squealed and clapped her hands, a sure sign that Moxie had managed to wriggle around the baby gate Caroline had used to secure him in the kitchen while they were gone. “Maybe not so strange after all,” Caroline said. She deposited Emma in the playpen and scooped the puppy into her arms. She put him back in the kitchen and refastened the gate, taking extra measures to make sure that he would stay where he belonged while they were gone.
“Have you checked under the couch?”
“Why would it be—?”
Moxie barked.
“Oh yeah.”
Esther found her missing shoe under the couch as Caroline had suspected. Thankfully Moxie hadn’t done any major damage to it, just chewed the laces and left a few small teeth marks on the rubber sole.
“He’s a menace,” Caroline said as Esther locked the door. She shook her head as she buckled Emma into her seat on the back of the bike and made sure she was strapped in nice and secure.
“Oh, he’s just a pup,” Esther protested once they were on their way. “John and I had one just like that right after we first married.”
Caroline shook her head. “That’s no reason to allow him to disrupt everything.”
Esther cast her a speculative glance. “You sure are tense for a girl in love.”
“Who said I was in love?”
Esther shrugged. “You’re not in love with Andrew?”
Was she?
“I don’t know.” If she was in love, wasn’t it time to tell him the truth about Emma? She didn’t like to think about such things. They had promised to take it slow, and that was just what she planned to keep doing.
Until the day that slow was no longer enough, and Andrew asked her to marry him.
If he even would. What if she told him the truth now and he had already decided that it was too soon to marry again? Was it worth destroying his feelings for her if there was nothing for either of them to gain?
Caroline had prayed about it, long and hard. She would wait to see how this would work out between them before she said anything. How could she just spill something like that out? No, it was better to keep some things to herself. The decision still weighed heavy on her heart, but who would benefit from the truth? Certainly not Emma. Honestly, she couldn’t see how any of them would benefit from her telling the truth.
Trey was gone. The matter was as simple as that. After many nights of prayer, Caroline realized that the truth would only hurt those involved. And it was something she’d best keep to herself.
The decision wasn’t an easy one to make. She still doubted her decisions. Not a day went by that she didn’t think about it, didn’t wonder if she was doing the right thing. Not a day that she didn’t bow her head in prayer and talk to God about all that was bothering her.
Add to that a hyper puppy, her job, her relationship with Andrew, and well, she was a little stressed.
“It just seems like there’s a lot going on right now.”
“It does at that.”
Englisch wedding season only added to the workload. Of course, Caroline was grateful for the work. She could bake and decorate cakes with the best of them. The added orders gave her more to concentrate on besides her deceit.
But the thought of telling Andrew the truth and having him walk away from her forever nearly broke her heart in two. If that wasn’t love, she wasn’t sure what was.
Esther cast a sidelong glance at Caroline as they sat on the backless benches. The church service was about half over, and Esther couldn’t remember how many times she had looked over at her young friend. There was something bothering Caroline, for sure and for certain. Esther felt like she was a patient person, but she was growing antsy to know what Caroli
ne had on her mind.
If nothing else, she wanted Caroline to be happy. It was one thing the young widow deserved.
Esther allowed her gaze to wander up the men’s side until she caught sight of Abe, his dark curly hair a bit strubbly this Sunday morn.
Esther ducked her head and stared at her hands to help hide her sudden smile.
A bit more strubbly than usual, she amended. That was just Abe. And one of the many reasons why she loved him. In their world of conformity and unification, he was himself, his own person. Yet that person still fit within their structure. She was still a little shocked that no woman had ever taken the time to see beyond his distraction to the man underneath. He was so incredibly smart, a gut businessman, and he needed someone to look after him. Esther was just that person.
Everyone stood and turned to kneel for the final prayer, and Esther was grateful. The minister Dan Troyer preached today’s second sermon, and though his message was always beneficial, he felt it his duty to deliver the Lord’s word with a matter-of-fact monotone and a dry demeanor. More often than not when he spoke, Esther found herself drifting off rather than benefiting.
In turn, that made her spend much more of her day in prayer asking for forgiveness for her inattentiveness.
The bishop ended the prayer with a resounding “aemen”, and the congregation stood.
“Esther, can I have a word, please?”
She turned as Maddie Kauffman approached. Despite the restaurant owner’s permanent frown and stern disposition, Esther liked her. A body always knew where they stood with dour-faced Maddie. How the Lord ever brought her and the easygoing Henry Kauffman together was a mystery to be sure.
“Of course, Maddie.” She smiled pleasantly, though she could tell from the stiff rod of Maddie’s spine that she was not going to like where the conversation was going.
Esther took a deep breath and steeled herself against what was to come. Since Maddie was Lorie’s stepmother and Lorie and Caroline were such gut freinden, Esther could only assume that Maddie wanted to speak to her mudder to mudder, as it were, about the relationship between Caroline and Andrew. She had already heard about the kiss they shared one night a few weeks ago. And right on Main Street, at that. But since they had walked a straight-and-narrow path since then, talk had died down, and they hadn’t had a meeting with the deacon.