by Lillard, Amy
She took a moment to gather her thoughts. Ever patient, Esther waited for her to ready herself to begin.
“As you know, my home district in Tennessee is very conservative.”
Esther nodded.
“The elders don’t allow the young people to have a run-around time. Most of the young people know whether or not they can keep up the traditions of their parents. I was certain I could. So it was no big decision to bend my knee and join the church. Then I met him.”
Esther held her hand throughout the entire story. How Caroline had met Trey, fallen in love with him, and then survived the utter heartbreak of hearing that he had gone back to school without even bothering to tell her good-bye.
“But it was all a lie.” Caroline wiped the tears away with the back of one hand. “Trey never knew about Emma.”
“A sadder tale I’ve never heard,” Esther said, drying tears of her own.
“I’m sorry,” Caroline said. “I never meant to deceive you. But—”
Esther shook her head. “We all believed what we wanted to believe about you.”
“I’m not sure I understand.”
Esther smiled. “You are a gut and kind person. That’s all we could see from you. So we made up a past that fit the person we see in you.”
Even though her chest was constricted with heartbreak and trepidation, Caroline laughed. “Are you saying that I’m a gut girl, so that’s what you saw in me?”
“Jah,” Esther said. “That’s exactly what I’m saying.”
“I’m not sure my vatter would agree with you.”
“I’ve been in this world for a while, Caroline Hostetler, and one thing is certain: You can’t judge a person by the sum of one of their actions. You made a mistake,” she said, brushing a hand over Caroline’s shoulder. “God forgives and so should we.”
Grateful tears welled in Caroline’s eyes. “You mean that?”
“Of course I do.” Then Esther drew her into her arms and gave her a bone-crushing hug.
Other than Andrew, Caroline would miss Esther the most. She squeezed her friend a little tighter and said a small prayer that when all of this was done, she could still count this woman as friend.
The trip back to Ethridge was no easier than when she left. Emma did not like riding. She did not like having to sit on her mother’s lap for the trip, but it was so much cheaper to buy one ticket. Caroline had thought that Emma would sleep for most of the trip. Instead she was fussy. She had thought that she could sit Emma in the seat next to her in the event that the bus wasn’t completely full, but that only happened a couple of times during the hours they were on the road.
But even worse, the trip meant hours and hours with her own thoughts. Caroline laid her head against the window, closing her eyes against the scenery passing by in a blur. She rubbed Emma’s back as her boppli finally slept.
She, Caroline Hostetler, was a coward.
She had tried to tell herself that she hadn’t had any time to talk to Andrew before she left. But the truth was she knew that averages were against her. She had heard someone talking in town once about a law of averages. She wasn’t sure exactly what that meant until they explained. The more times something happens in a person’s favor means a greater chance for it to turn and fail. Emily, Lorie, and Esther had all forgiven her for the transgressions in her past. The chances were against her for Andrew to do the same.
She hadn’t realized just how much she cared about Andrew until she had to think about doubt, hurt, and distrust shining in his eyes. She couldn’t stand there and pour her heart out to him only to have him turn her away.
So she had left. And left him a letter trying her best to explain what had happened and why she was gone.
Caroline sighed. She still wasn’t entirely sure what this trip would mean for her and Trey. There were just so many possibilities. What if he wanted her to leave? What if he wanted her to stay? What if her family welcomed her back? What if they didn’t?
Being back with her mamm and dat was the one thing she had wanted since the day she left. But could she walk away from the life she had built? And what of Andrew?
She sighed. There was no use going down that road. By the time he read her letter she would be halfway to Tennessee. He would probably never forgive her. After all, he had jumped into a relationship with her when he was still grieving for his Beth. They had known then that what they had was special. But now Caroline was certain her lies had ruined it for them both.
She kissed the top of Emma’s head. At least Emma wouldn’t remember. But as for Caroline . . . She would never forget.
She stared out the window at the passing scenery, then closed her eyes again, as it made her dizzy. They were somewhere in Tennessee between Memphis and Nashville. She had breathed a sigh of relief as they crossed over the big Mississippi River and managed not to look as the driver swung through traffic like she had never seen. At the bus depot she had kept her head down and managed not to attract too much attention as she waited for the bus that would finally take her home.
Just another hour or two and she would be back in Ethridge.
She wasn’t sure how she was going to get from the bus depot in Lawrenceburg to her parents’ farm on the edge of Ethridge, but she would figure it out when the time came. She had written her mother and given her the specifics on her bus ticket, the time she would arrive, and the route number. She thought her mother should know when she was arriving. It was one thing to disappear in the middle of the night and quite another to just show up again with no warning.
She sighed. There was no guessing how her father was going to take her appearance. Yet another thing she would address when the time came.
She must have dozed off when they drove through Nashville, and it was dark when the driver pulled the bus to a stop. Everyone got off the coach to stretch their legs. Caroline couldn’t imagine that they were all staying in the small town, though Ethridge did get its share of tourists.
Thankfully the last leg of their journey produced an opening beside her and Emma could sit in her own seat. Caroline had strapped the child into the big chair and prayed for the best. Emma had not liked the constriction, but had eventually settled down and gone to sleep.
Caroline undid the seat belt and scooped the stretching Emma into her arms. “We’re home, wee one.” The pet name brought back memories of Andrew and the sting of tears to her eyes. She blinked them back. She was just tired. It had been a long trip, and it wasn’t over yet. Aside from the ride to her parents’ haus, she still had to face her vatter.
She swung her bag over her shoulder and made her way toward the front of the bus.
The driver shot her a sympathetic look as she climbed down the stairs.
“Is there a phone inside?”
He pointed toward the left. “Just to this side in between the restrooms. Do you need some help?”
“Nay . . . no, I can manage.” She had enough to call a cab to take her to neighboring Ethridge.
She made her way inside. The building smelled worse than the barn after a summer rain. But she would only be there long enough to collect their other bag and call for a ride.
“Caroline Hostetler?”
She blinked in surprise as a nicely dressed man approached. “Jah?”
“I’m Don Harper. Your mother called me.”
“Jah?” She adjusted Emma on her hip and gathered her thoughts.
“She hired me to take you home.”
Home.
Caroline’s shoulders slumped with gratitude. At least she didn’t have to think any more about how to get to the farm. “I need to get my bags.”
Don Harper waited patiently for the porters to bring in the luggage and carried both bags to his car.
The last thing Caroline wanted to do was sit in a moving vehicle for another spell, but at least they weren’t far from Ethridge.
Don Harper stashed her bags in the trunk and left Caroline to buckle Emma into the child seat in back.
; Emma, exhausted and unused to such confinements, started to cry, but Caroline finished the task and slid into the front.
“Ready?” Don Harper asked.
Caroline buckled herself in. As ready as she could possibly be.
He started the car and put it in gear. “My wife runs the general store.”
Caroline thought she had seen him before, otherwise she might not have gotten into the car that easily.
“Won’t be long, and I’ll have you home.”
There was that word again.
Emma’s wails made conversation impossible, not that Caroline had much to say. Don Harper must have sensed her reluctance. He kept whatever was on his mind to himself as they made the trip.
Soon the white lights of his car cut across her parents’ house as he turned into the drive.
It was dark, but everything seemed the same. Such was the way of the Amish. Any changes had to be carefully examined for any repercussions. Whatever changes made it through were seldom and slow to come.
Her driver pulled the car to a stop and fiddled with something on the dashboard. He put it in park, and he got out without turning off the engine.
“I’ll just get your bags,” he said over Emma’s cries.
Caroline stood and stretched, then opened the back door of the car to get the screaming baby.
Emma’s cries slowed to teary hiccups as she unbuckled her and cradled her close. Caroline steeled her heart against the tears. It was time to be strong.
She straightened and followed the driver to the porch.
“I’ll just leave your bags here?”
Caroline nodded. Though it was customary for drivers to spend some time at the house with the people who hired them, Don Harper seemed to sense that there was more than joy to this homecoming.
“Let me get you some money,” she said, reaching for her shoulder bag.
Don shook his head. “It’s already been taken care of. Good night, Caroline. Welcome home.”
He descended the wooden steps and made his way through the dark and back to his car. Caroline was still outside when he drove away.
She took a deep breath. Standing on the porch was not what she needed to be doing. It was time to face her family for the first time in nearly two years.
She raised her hand to knock, then changed her mind and turned the doorknob instead.
Everything looked just as it had the night she left. Same worn couch and wooden rocker. Same scarred table. Same kerosene-burning lamps.
Having heard the noise, her mother appeared at the doorway that led to the kitchen.
“Caroline?”
“Mamm. Wie geht? I’m home.”
Dear Andrew,
By the time you get this I will be well on my way back to Tennessee. I’m sorry that I couldn’t wait and talk to you before I left. My grossdaadi is in the hospital, and I am needed at home immediately.
I wish I had more time to explain. Please forgive me, but I don’t know what I’m going to find when I get back home. How my family will react to my return. As for Wells Landing, I have enjoyed my time in Oklahoma, but my family is in Tennessee. I’m not sure when, if ever, I’ll return to Wells Landing.
It’s not fair of me to ask you to wait for me. You have proved to yourself that you are ready to start courting again. I hope that you will be happy in everything that you do, whether you stay in Wells Landing or return to Missouri. You are such a very special person and deserve a gut wife to take care of you and grow old with you. I hope you find all the happiness that you deserve.
Love,
Caroline
Chapter Seventeen
Andrew folded the letter and placed it back in the envelope even though he wanted to crumple it into a ball and pitch it across the dining area in Esther’s bakery. He took a deep, calming breath and looked to Esther. “I don’t know what it means.”
The look in Esther’s dark blue eyes was one of sadness and confusion. She gestured to the letter on the table. “May I?”
He nodded.
Esther slid into the booth opposite him and removed the single sheet of paper.
He drummed his fingers as she read the words.
“She’s gone back to Tennessee,” Esther finally said.
“Jah, I understood that part. Why?”
“Her grossdaadi is ill.”
But Andrew had a sinking feeling around his heart that it was more than that. “Is she coming back?”
Esther stared out the bakery window.
“Esther?”
She sighed and turned to face him. “I don’t know.”
Hurt ran through him. How could she just leave? Was she afraid? Did he push too hard, too fast? Did he expect too much too soon?
He hadn’t realized he had closed his eyes against the heartbreak and whirling thoughts until Esther laid her hand on top of his. “She never meant to hurt you.”
He swallowed hard. Somehow he did know that. And yet . . . “Is there more to it than what she told me?”
Esther pulled away and leaned back in her chair. “Why would there be more?”
Andrew shrugged, but he had his answer. Caroline would not be returning to Wells Landing. He just wasn’t sure what he could do about it.
Esther waited until the door shut behind Andrew until she drew in a relieved breath.
She couldn’t imagine why Caroline didn’t want to tell Andrew the truth. But she understood all the same. Caroline was in love with the bu. Yet despite her talk otherwise, she wasn’t planning on returning to Oklahoma. She hadn’t come right out and said the words, but Esther knew the truth. She could see it in those expressive eyes.
For all the work that Caroline had put into learning to live among the Beachys in Wells Landing, her conservative upbringing had never been far under the surface. She was a gut maedel, despite the mistakes she had made. Telling the entire district her secrets was not something Caroline could do and then face those very same people the next day as they came into the bakery. It just wasn’t in her.
Esther sighed and finished wiping down the table. Caroline and Emma had not even been gone for a full day. Yet Esther missed them so much it hurt.
One thing she learned a long time ago was the Good Lord was a great healer. And with time all their pain would lessen.
Tonight she would say a prayer for Andrew, for Caroline and Emma. For the Englisch bu Trey and everyone involved.
She had hated not being able to tell Andrew about the promise she had made to Caroline, but she was a gut Amish woman, and she would keep her word.
Esther stopped putting the chairs on the tabletops, the thought stilling her motions with precision ease. She had promised Caroline that she wouldn’t tell Andrew about Trey, but Caroline had never said a word about telling Abe Fitch.
It was sneaky, but what was that Englisch saying? All’s fair in love and war? Well, as a peaceful woman, Esther didn’t know the first thing about war. And she might not know a great deal about love. One thing she was certain about: 1 Corinthians 13:13. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Smile on her face, she turned the Open sign to Closed after the last customer left. Then she brushed out her hair and carefully pinned it back into place. She changed into a clean apron and headed down Main Street to the Fitch Furniture Store.
It was perhaps the most forward thing she had done in regard to Abe Fitch, maybe in her entire life. But her friend needed her.
She entered the bright showroom with the gorgeous wood pieces all arranged and set up like a body would expect to see them. Ajar of yellow flowers sat in the center of a long wooden table. A lamp on the dresser that matched the bed she had bought for Caroline. Signs were hung and the pieces dusted. All in all the place never looked better, a sure sign that Abe had help by way of his nephew Andrew Fitch.
No sooner had the bell over the door stopped ringing than Andrew came out of the back, wiping his hands on a rag. He spotted her, and his eyes grew wide with s
urprise. “Esther. I didn’t expect to see you.”
She took a steadying breath. “Is your uncle around?”
He glanced toward the back, then to Esther once again. “Jah. Jah. I’ll get him for you.”
“That would be gut.”
She willed her heart rate to slow and schooled her features into a mask of patience when she wanted to jump up and down and holler for him to hurry. None of that would be beneficial for the cause she had. Patience was definitely in her favor.
A few moments later Andrew returned, his uncle right behind him.
Abe squinted at her through the thick lenses of his glasses. “Ach, Esther Lapp, what brings you in today?”
She folded her hands over her middle. “I’ve come to invite you to dinner tonight, Abe Fitch.”
Her gaze was focused on Abe, but she thought she saw Andrew smile.
“Jah?” Abe asked, still squinting at her.
“Jah. I have some business with you and I think it best be discussed over a fine meal.”
Abe scratched the side of his head, his hat tipping to one side with the motion. “Allrecht. Would you like to meet me at Kauffman’s?”
Esther shook her head and tried to appear confident. If what Maddie Kauffman had said about Esther and Abe and the rumors that were flying around Wells Landing were true, this was not a smart move. But she had more important things to worry about than idle gossip. “Nay. You can just come by the haus after work. We can talk then.”
If Abe was shocked by her request, he didn’t let on. He gave her a little wave and shuffled back to the workroom.
Esther nodded in turn to Andrew and Danny, who had materialized from nowhere to see what was going on. She trusted Andrew, but Danny was a talker. Everyone from the bishop to the guy who ran the gas station across town would know that she had asked Abe Fitch to supper before they even sat down to eat the meal. It was a chance she was willing to take.
Andrew watched Esther leave with a mixture of awe and confusion.
“What was that all about?” Danny asked.