I'm Still Here: A Novel

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I'm Still Here: A Novel Page 13

by Jon Mills


  “Are you sleeping?”

  “Better than I used to, though the last fourteen months have been hard.”

  “Right. The case of Adam Swanson. What a young life. Are they moving ahead with charges against the family?”

  “It’s still up in the air.”

  “And the theory of an intruder?”

  “It hasn’t been ruled out.”

  “Interesting.”

  And there he was back to that again.

  “And how about your mother?”

  “What about her?”

  “Anything you’d like to discuss?”

  “Not really.”

  “Interesting.”

  “You know, Mr. Benson…”

  “Lloyd. I think we’ve known each other long enough that we can drop formality, right?”

  “Sure.” She cleared her throat. “Lloyd, I’m curious, in all the times my mother came to you, did she ever discuss our basement?”

  “The walls?”

  Kara gave a nod.

  “She did.” He took another sip.

  “And?”

  “Well that would be breaking client confidentiality, now wouldn’t it?”

  “I think we are past that now,” Kara said.

  He breathed in deeply and looked up, closing his eyes for a second. “I’m more interested in knowing, what you thought of it?”

  She didn’t like the way he turned questions back on her. He might have been different to the others but in that one aspect he was the same. Therapists were masters of manipulating conversation. They would lead you down one road, and if it became uncomfortable and you tried to steer them clear, they would veer you back until you answered their question.

  “I thought it was…” she trailed off.

  “Disturbing?”

  She shook her head. “No. Insightful.”

  “In what way?”

  Kara broke eye contact for a second or two. She really hadn’t given it much thought. Of course it was shocking but she wasn’t going to say that. It’s not like she wasn’t aware of her mother’s views about how the case went and the verdict but her mother had kept some cards close to her chest and at no point mentioned to her the depths she reached in compiling information.

  “In that I wasn’t aware of what my mother was capable of.”

  “Interesting.”

  If he said it one more time she was going to bat him around the head. Instead, she gritted her teeth and tried to act like it didn’t bother her.

  “Did she ever talk to you, share her ideas, ask for assistance?”

  “No. That’s the odd part. She kept me in the dark.”

  “And how did that make you feel?”

  “Look, Mr. Benson—”

  “Lloyd.”

  “Lloyd. I’ll be honest with you. The only reason I’m here today is out of courtesy to my father. I really don’t wish to discuss the inner workings of my mind. I have Zoloft for that and it handles it fine.”

  “But you are curious about your mother?”

  “Of course. For someone who never mentioned that she had spoken to Kyle Harris, or seen him in person, or had left behind an intricate web of information that would lead people to believe she thought the man who abducted my brother was still out there. So yeah, I’m curious.”

  He studied her for a minute or two before finishing his coffee.

  “Your mother was deeply troubled. She stopped coming. She stopped the medication prescribed to her. It’s not normal but it does happen. Grief can do that to a person. For some they manage to stay afloat and eventually pick up the pieces and move on with life, but for others it can take them over the edge.”

  “So you’re insinuating my mother wasn’t in her right mind?”

  “I’m saying she was deeply troubled, and rightfully so. As humans we are capable of far more than we give ourselves credit. We are able to weather all forms of tragedy but the loss of a child — it cuts deep, and often the wounds don’t heal.”

  There was a long pause before Kara said, “You asked me what I thought of it. The wall. I wasn’t disturbed by it. I was impressed. It didn’t speak to me of crazy. It spoke to me of hope. My mother was hopeful that she would eventually find Charlie.”

  “And you? Do you still hold out hope?”

  “Of finding him alive?” she asked.

  “Either way.”

  Kara drew a breath. “He’s out there. I know that and we will one day find him.”

  “And if you don’t? Will you be able to let it go?”

  She didn’t respond to that. After spending hours poring over her mother’s notes, reading through the case files of the other abductions, she had begun to notice a change in her mindset. Call it osmosis or the need to know but Kara could feel that spark of hope that had driven her mother on.

  “Did you never get married?” she asked, changing the topic.

  He looked at his ring finger. “No. I went on a few bad dates but never found someone who was compatible with my taste.”

  Kara frowned. “Your taste?”

  He tapped the side of his temple. “For living, and understanding the mind. Most said I overthink, and analyze everything to death. Maybe they’re right. I never switch off.”

  “Sounds like me.”

  He smiled.

  “When do you return to New York?”

  “It was meant to be a short visit but I’m extending it.”

  “Oh? To help your father?”

  “Something like that.”

  She didn’t want to go into it with him. The moment she’d mention the investigation he would draw comparisons to her mother and lead her down another road of questioning that she really didn’t want to answer. There was only so much psychobabble she could deal with. Instead she quickly shifted the conversation back to her mother. She wanted to understand her mindset. On one hand she was fairly certain that her mother wasn’t crazy but Lloyd had raised a good point. Grief had a way of changing even the sane. And there was a level of obsession involved in her mother’s dealings with Charlie’s disappearance.

  “You said she stopped coming to see you, stopped taking her medication. When?”

  “A year ago. She wanted to spend more time on the case. She said the meds were making her foggy and she wanted to stay clear-headed,” Lloyd replied.

  “And my father?”

  “He still sees me every second week of the month.”

  She nodded. “And what did he say was her mental state leading up to her death?”

  Lloyd answered. “Scattered.”

  “Can you clarify?”

  “She was all over the place. Contacting the police, speaking to locals in the town, making accusations. It was sad really. Sad to see such a strong and bright woman spiral down.” He glanced at the band around Kara’s wrist. “I would hate to see the same thing happen to you, Kara.”

  She smiled. “Well you don’t have anything to worry about there.”

  She rose from her seat.

  “But we still have time left in the session.”

  “I have a few things I need to attend to. Thank you for your time, Lloyd.”

  Her mind churned over on the way back to her vehicle. Scattered? And yet that wasn’t the impression she got when she was on the phone. It was optimistic, focused and hopeful. Kara left the therapist’s more determined than ever to know the truth.

  Chapter 16

  Around two that afternoon Noah got a call from a Blackmore officer, Raymond Wainright. He’d responded to a call of a breaking and entering at the Walkers’ residence. The sheriff’s office only responded to calls in the unincorporated area of Clallam County, and the police department in Blackmore handled any calls related to their jurisdiction. That’s why it struck him as odd when the call came in.

  “He’s specifically asked for you. Do you think you have time to swing by?” Wainright asked.

  Noah glanced at the paperwork in front of him and groaned internally.

  “Sure, give me ten
minutes. Oh, Wainright, is his daughter there?”

  “No. Just the father.”

  Noah climbed out of the unmarked car. It was a heap of crap. The department gave him that instead of the Dodge Charger he was hoping for. When he asked why, their response was budget cuts and to avoid being noticed. They didn’t want it looking like a regular cop car. It wasn’t like he sat in lay-bys clocking people for speeding. His days of doing that were long over.

  When he arrived at the Walker residence, one cruiser was out front. He gave a knock on the door before entering. It was the first time he’d stepped foot in their home. Of course Anna had invited him over for dinner, and called him on numerous occasions to discuss the case, but he’d always made a point to keep his distance. It was all about setting boundaries.

  He entered the kitchen and found Matthew Walker sitting at the table with a cup of coffee. “Mr. Walker.”

  “Who would do this?” he asked.

  Wainright pointed to an open basement door. “Go take a look.”

  As Noah walked towards the door he noticed several framed photos on the walls. A snapshot of Charlie and another of Kara; both in their preteen days. He headed down into the brightly lit basement. Each step creaked as he went down. When he reached the bottom and turned, he took in the sight of the mess. Papers, photos, a torn map were scattered all over the floor and the word BITCH was sprayed in red paint across the wall. Anna had talked about investigating and having files but he didn’t realize she’d gone to this length. He backed up and made his way upstairs.

  “Anything taken?” Noah asked.

  “Doesn’t appear to be.”

  “Any other damage?”

  “Just that,” Wainright said.

  Noah looked at Matthew. “You okay?”

  “I’m fine,” he replied in a gruff voice.

  Noah cast his eyes around the kitchen before asking, “Sir, can you pinpoint when this might have happened?”

  “I stepped out to run some errands this morning.”

  “At what time?”

  “Around eleven, and I got back here just after one. That’s when I noticed the glass at the rear of the house had been smashed. I checked every room and found that message downstairs.”

  Noah nodded slowly. “Sir, have you run into any trouble lately?”

  He shook his head.

  “What about Kara?”

  That’s when Wainright chimed in. “Actually I was speaking with one of the other officers — Johnson. He said he was called out to the Dug Out on Tuesday evening to break up a fight between Kara Walker and Mary Harris.”

  “Kyle Harris’s sister?” Noah asked.

  Wainright nodded.

  “Anyone get in contact with her to find out where she was when this happened?”

  “Johnson is trying to track her down as we speak.”

  He turned his attention back to her father. “Did Kara mention this?”

  “No.”

  He was nursing a cup of coffee, and his hands were shaking a little. He tapped his cigarette ash into an overfilled ashtray.

  “Where is Kara?”

  He glanced up at the clock. “Probably in a therapy session.”

  “Therapy?”

  “A friend of the family.”

  Noah nodded and cast his gaze around the room. “Why did you ask me to come out?”

  Matthew replied, “Anna used to talk about you. Said you were a good person.” He turned his attention to Officer Wainright. “No offense but we’ve not had the best of luck with Blackmore Police Department.”

  “Well they’re the ones that are going to handle this. We don’t cover the city, except under special circumstances,” Noah said.

  “Typical,” Matthew said. Outside, a car could be heard pulling into the driveway. Noah walked over to the window and peered out. It was Kara. He ran a hand over his head and waited.

  When she entered her eyes were wild. “Dad. What’s happened? You okay?”

  She slung her bag on the ground.

  “I’m fine. I wish people would stop asking me that.”

  Kara’s eyes darted to the basement door and she made a beeline for it.

  “Uh, ma’am,” Wainright said.

  “Kara,” Noah said stepping between Wainright and her. She moved too quickly and was down the stairs in seconds. Noah joined her at the bottom as she looked at the disarray.

  “Shit.”

  He breathed in deeply. “I heard you had a run-in the other night with Mary Harris.”

  Kara glanced at him. “You think she’s behind this?”

  “Well, she does have a reputation. Multiple run-ins with the law, and your mother knocked heads with her countless times.”

  “Does she not know that my mother was also on speaking terms with Kyle?”

  “I wouldn’t exactly call them speaking terms. Your mother believed someone else was responsible but she hadn’t ruled out Kyle.”

  “That’s not the impression I got when I spoke with him.”

  “Well we all perceive differently depending on where we’re sitting.”

  “But hasn’t Mary spoken to her brother since?”

  “I wouldn’t know. I wasn’t involved in the investigation.”

  “But surely my mother…”

  “Kara. Like I said before. Your mother reached out to me countless times but for the most part I was a listening ear. I wasn’t her partner. I certainly wasn’t going to get involved in a case that has officially been closed.”

  “And risk your career. I get it.” She shook her head. “Anything stolen?”

  “It doesn’t look like it but that’s where the officer upstairs could use your help. Your father isn’t exactly too thrilled to be dealing with Blackmore.”

  “I wonder why,” she said sarcastically, turning and heading back upstairs without touching anything. Upstairs Noah asked to speak with Kara outside while officers went about doing their duty of taking photos, canvassing the neighborhood and waiting for forensics to show up and take prints.

  “You want to tell me what the argument with Mary was about?”

  “What do you think?” Kara asked shifting her weight from one side to the next and looking across the road to where two neighbors were looking out of a window. “She was hyped up. Passing the blame about her brother.”

  “Your father said you went to see a therapist today?”

  She rolled her eyes. “Out of respect for him. Not because I need it.”

  Noah nodded and acknowledged the officer as he came out. When he turned back Noah studied her face, his eyes dropping to her mouth. “You haven’t been questioning any of the three suspects, have you?”

  “No. Why has someone said I have?”

  He shook his head.

  She smiled. “No. But this morning I went and spoke with Henry Ellis.”

  “Henry?”

  “Oh so you know him. Well that confirms who he’s dealing with in your department.”

  “He’s an old friend of my father’s. Anyway, what were you doing out there?”

  “Does it matter? Speak with him, it sounds like you’ve built up quite a rapport.”

  Noah ran a hand over his face. The thought of a mountain of paperwork to plow through for the rest of the afternoon wasn’t his idea of fun. He seriously needed a vacation.

  “So when are you heading back to New York?”

  “Why, you going to grind me if I stay longer?”

  He smirked. “No, actually I was going ask if you had plans for supper?”

  Her eyebrow shot up. “Detective?”

  “Listen, we kind of got off to a bad start. I… bought some extra steaks, a few too many. I hate to see good food go to waste. I just thought if you had any further questions about your mother’s interaction with me that maybe we could do it over dinner. And you can tell me what you’ve uncovered.”

  “So you are interested?”

  “In the case,” he replied making sure they were on the same topic.

 
She smiled. “Sure. What time?”

  “How’s seven sound?”

  “Works for me.”

  “Right, well, um.”

  He turned to leave.

  “Aren’t you going to give me your address?”

  “Oh, right, that would be helpful.” He nodded and pulled out a pad of paper and scribbled his details down. He tore the page off and handed it to her, then thumbed over his shoulder. “Okay, well I should get back to it.”

  He headed back into the house and gave his card to her father and told him to call him if he had any further problems. He reassured him that the officers from Blackmore Police Department were more than capable and things had changed down there since 1991. He gave a nod and Noah squeezed past Kara on the way out.

  On the way back to the Sheriff Department he thought about Amanda, and wondered what she might have thought about him inviting Kara for dinner. He wasn’t looking to start a relationship but he was curious about the investigation wall her mother had created. He knew she had gone to some great trouble to bang on doors and pursue someone that she didn’t even know existed, but if she was right, and he was out there — was it possible that she’d found him, or he’d figured out she was on to him in the final days of her life? He got on the phone to the medical examiner to see if they could speed up the toxicology report.

  Back inside the home, long after Kara had gone through the process of checking with Blackmore officers to ensure nothing had been stolen, she was given the go-ahead to start clearing up. As she collected armfuls of papers, her father sat on the bottom step of the basement stairs.

  “You know, you can give me a hand,” she said.

  He waved her off. “Just throw it in the trash.”

  “Not yet.”

  He scoffed. “I knew it. I figured this was going to happen. From the moment you said you were staying longer.”

  “What?”

  “That you were going to get tied up in your mother’s crazy antics. I had enough of it then, I don’t want you to go down that path.”

  “I’m not, Dad. Just relax.”

  “I’ll relax when this is behind us. You know how badly I wanted to trash this basement when your mother was alive? She wouldn’t let me.” He shook his head. “And now this.”

 

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