No Regrets: A Novel of Love and Lies in World War II England (The Thornton Trilogy Book 1)

by Payne, Mary Christian

  “No, I didn’t think that. Which is why I twisted the facts. If you thought she’d willingly been intimate with Nazis, it would put a different light on the matter. Obviously it did. It probably would to anyone. I knew you well enough to be certain you wouldn’t want anything more to do with her. Unfortunately, my lies had the desired effect.”

  “Yes. Only because I was fool enough to believe them, without giving Elise the benefit of the doubt. I should have known her well enough to know she would have died before willingly involving herself in something as sordid as a fling with a Nazi, let alone more than one. “

  “I don’t know what I was thinking, Sloan. I guess the old adage ‘Hell hath no fury like a women scorned’ is true. At least that’s the way I felt. I wanted you to pay for the pain you’d caused me.”

  “And Elise? Why should she have paid?”

  “I don’t know. Just because she was the ‘other woman,’ I suppose. I don’t think I thought of her one way or the other. She was in the way, and I wanted her out of your life. Oh God, Sloan – I’d do anything to take it all away. But, I know I can’t. This is the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life.”

  “If you were a man, I’d beat you to a pulp. Since you’re not, all I can do is make certain you understand what you’ve done to a kind, trusting, and decent woman. You’ve put me into a position where I accused her of the vilest behavior imaginable. I know Elise has a lot of trouble with trust – particularly with men. It isn’t hard to figure out why. Well, you’ve increased that fear. I can’t imagine she’ll ever trust a man again. Damn you, Anne. Damn you.”

  “I don’t know what to say. I’m ashamed of myself. It was horrid of me. I’m embarrassed and humiliated. Worse, I don’t know what I can do to set it right. Do you love her so very much, Sloan?”

  He raised his voice an octave.” I told you from the beginning that she’s my soulmate. I acted like a fool. I still believe that about her. But, she never believed in that concept as strongly as I do. Now, of course, she thinks it’s all rubbish. If a person is your soulmate, he doesn’t go off on a rant, calling you every filthy name in the book – disparaging and demeaning you. Do I love her so? Yes, Anne. I love her so. You’ve known that for a long time. You’ve known me long enough to know that I don’t casually use that word. I never used it about you. Never. In a weak moment I proposed to you. Whether I’d found Elise or not, I knew I’d never marry you. I didn’t love you the way a man should love a woman he wants to marry. I told you that. What a daft question to ask me. Do I really love her so? Like flowers love the sun; like birds love the trees. I don’t just love her. I need her to feel completely alive. You don’t know how that feels. You thought you were so in love with me. You haven’t any idea what love really means. I was just someone who’d been in your life forever. You wanted me as your husband. You’ve always managed to get what you wanted. This was nothing but a competition for you.”

  “What can I say? How can I make amends? I truly am sorry. From the depths of my soul. I was wicked and hate myself. Would it help if I spoke to Elise?”

  “I don’t think there’s a thing you could say to Elise that would make a whit of difference. Why would she care what you have to say? I’m sure she’s figured you out by now. Knowing Elise, she’d probably forgive you. God bless her. She’s that sort of lady. So if your aim in speaking to her would be to salve your own guilty conscience, you’d probably succeed. But, if it’s because you honestly believe what you did was abominable, and feel immeasurable regret at having ruined two lives, it becomes a bit more sticky, doesn’t it? You can’t simply wave a magic wand, and undo the damage. This is one time in your life when you can’t have things the way you want them. Frankly, Anne, I don’t trust you at all. I never should have. I’m not at all certain your motives now are so pure. I suspect you’re wanting to prove to me that you’re filled with sorrow for what you did, and that you’re willing to try to convince Elise of your shame at having done such a thing. You know full well she isn’t likely to believe much of what you have to say. I’m not either. How do I know that this great show of regret is nothing more than another scheme to say you tried everything to make it right, hoping in the long run you might manipulate me into returning to your arms?”

  Anne began to cry. “Do you truly think so poorly of me, Sloan? Isn’t there a shred of the old faith we once had in one another?”

  “You must be daft! You destroyed that when you destroyed Elise. Can’t you get it through your head that I’m destroyed, too?”

  “Yes. I can. I’m only searching for a way to rectify the harm I’ve caused.”

  “Quit searching, Anne. When you begin to concoct ideas, this is what comes of it. Leave me alone, and leave Elise alone. I haven’t any idea how I’m going to make amends. I don’t know if it’s possible. I only know I have to try. This isn’t just a simple little tiff that all lovers experience. I’m not optimistic about the outcome. God help me if she leaves Thornton-on-Sea. That’s what I told her to do in my rage. I told her to ‘get out of this village’ – that I never wanted to set eyes on her again. Now I’m terrified she’ll do it. If she leaves here, I‘ll have no way at all to ever win her back. I’ll have lost her for good.”

  Anne sighed and wiped away tears.

  “I won’t interfere, Sloan. I would probably only make it worse. But I do promise that I’m being honest when I say I’m disgusted with myself for what I did. I’ll pray for you, and for Elise. I’m going to pay a visit to the Vicar and confess everything I did. Elise goes to the same church. Perhaps he can speak with her. I don’t know. I can only do my part in trying to understand why I acted as I did, and pray to God he’ll not allow my behavior to destroy the lives of two people who don’t deserve such heartache. I’m going to leave now, Sloan, unless you have anything more to say to me. If I can do anything to help – anything at all – please do ring me. I’m sorry, from the bottom of my heart,” she exclaimed, as she collected her handbag and gloves, and walked slowly, with her head down, away from the pretty gazebo in the park at Thornton-on-Sea.

  ***

  Elise didn’t sleep a wink the night after her heartbreaking scene with Sloan. Josef returned after his conversation with her former fiancé and told everything. While she had to admit it made her feel a mite better to know Sloan was suffering too, and to learn that he knew everything he’d been told was a lie, she still was shattered to the depths of her soul. That the man she loved could, for one second, have believed she was a loose woman – a whore - was inconceivable.

  Did she still love him? Yes, of course. Josef was right. One didn’t stop loving someone they’d planned on spending their life with. Not overnight. Somewhere, deep inside, she knew that Sloan hadn’t meant all of the cruel things he’d said. She was wise enough to understand that rage turned a person into quite another. Thankfully, she’d been born with a calm, consistent manner, not given to bursts of anger and unjustified emotions. She’d never even thrown tantrums as a child. Elise may have led a sheltered life, but she knew enough about human emotion to understand that anger could be a trigger for a lot of untoward behavior. She also understood that a lot of ire was the result of heart-wrenching hurt. Instead of being able to voice pain, many people lashed out at the person or event that was causing the pain. She knew that was what had happened to Sloan. But, how could they possibly find their way back from this? Was there the slightest possibility she could trust him again? How could she know he didn’t harbour a smidgeon of doubt? What if she forgave him, and they married? At the first sign of a disagreement, was suspicion likely to rear its ugly head?

  After a long and painful night, Elise reached a conclusion. She was going to take Sloan’s advice. She would leave Thornton-on-Sea. She tried to think about where she could go. Naturally, her first thought was Giselle. They were such dear friends. She knew she’d be welcomed warmly. But Giselle was just settling into a new marriage, in a foreign country. It seemed highly selfish and inappropriate for Elise to show up, achin
g with pain and sorrow. She would also have Chloe in tow. That was asking a bit much of their friendship. So, where could she go? London was out of the question. She didn’t know anyone. It was an expensive place to live, and she had no means of earning a living. She might be able to find a position as a French teacher, but who would watch Chloe? It was the same dilemma she’d faced when back in Brighton.

  When Brighton entered her mind, she thought of Violette, who’d told her long ago to call if she was ever in need of help. Was that what she should do now? But, the only reason she’d left that safe cocoon had been because she wanted a healthy, decent environment for Chloe. Chloe was four years old. She was old enough to question her surroundings. If it had been a problem in 1941, it would be more so now. Was there anyone she could leave Chloe with for a short spell? Just long enough to get away and collect her thoughts?

  Of course there was! She hadn’t been thinking straight. Josef was here now. That made things entirely different. He would understand completely. He wasn’t working yet, because the restaurant was still in the planning stages. So, he was home every day. He’d be able to make certain Chloe was at school on time and that she was cared for properly. Elise wouldn’t be gone forever. She needed a friend. Someone she trusted – and there weren’t many of those in her life. She knew Josef would agree with her plans. Once she’d had time to think – time alone – she’d make a decision about how to carry on. Violette had been the closest to a mother Elise had ever known. She’d be kind and caring. Elise trusted her advice.

  When she rose the next morning, she fed Chloe breakfast and saw her off to school. Then, she approached Josef with the plan she’d devised. While he hated the thought of her leaving him, even for a short time, he had to agree that her idea made sense. He didn’t know Violette, but it was enough for him that Elise truly seemed devoted to her. There was certainly no question about the woman having been wonderful to his sister. She’d helped with money to begin anew and had made certain that Elise had the best care when Chloe was born. She’d cared for her during what had been a long, emotionally difficult pregnancy. If it hadn’t been for Violette, who knew if Chloe would ever have been born?

  “Of course I’ll tend to Chloe. You know I love her. You need have no worry about your daughter. I do believe it would be good for you to be with a female friend for a while. From what you’ve told me, she sounds ideal. Rather like a mother. You’ve had a terrible shock. I understand your need to sort it all out and, while I’m your brother and am here for you, I also understand that women need other women. So, go with my blessing. There’s one other reason I think this would be wise. If you stay here in Thornton-on-Sea, while trying to work your way through this morass, there’s an excellent chance you’ll run into Sloan. I’ve already told you he still loves you – greatly. You know that I hope you two can work through all of this. But you’re my sister, and I want what’s best for you. So, I don’t think it would be good for Sloan to be able to have access to you. I know you still care deeply for him. Feeling as you do, it would be hard to think straight if you’re face-to-face. You’d think it would be easy, when both of you obviously still care for each other. But, I understand why it’s not. Take the time you need. Look at the dilemma from every angle and listen to any advice your friend offers. When all is said and done, you’ll know what to do. I feel certain of it. When do you plan on going?”

  “As quickly as possible. It’s only a short train trip. But I need to let Violette know I’m coming. I wouldn’t want to just turn up on her doorstep, unannounced. I’ll have to write to her.”

  “Why not send a wire? It would be much faster. You don’t have to give a long explanation at this juncture. You’ll have plenty of time to tell her every detail. Just tell her you want to come, and I’m sure she’ll cable back and say whether it’s a good time for a visit.”

  “Oh Josef, you’re such a dear. Why didn’t I think of that? Of course, it’s the sensible thing to do. My mind is all muddled.”

  Elise ran to the centre hall, where she grabbed her purse and cardigan. It was still September. Summer lingered with pretty, warm days and comfortable nights. She hoped such weather would continue until she’d accomplished what she wanted with her journey to Brighton. It was much easier to pack light, summer apparel, than heavy woolens. She sent the wire from the Western Union Office. It was short and to the point:

  “Violette. You once offered me refuge. I need that now. May I come at once?”

  She signed her name and paid for it to be sent immediately. The man at the counter told her they would ring her when a reply came. She’d ridden her bicycle and, as she left the storefront to return to her cottage, who pulled up to the kerb but Sloan Thornton? This was exactly what she was trying to avoid by going to Brighton. He disengaged from his automobile and walked toward her.

  “Elise, please wait a moment. Don’t run. I won’t ask you to stay long. I know how you feel, and don’t blame you. I’m sure you know, by now, that I’ve spoken with Josef. I know what my behavior did to you, and I know that an apology isn’t going to begin to undo the damage I’ve caused. But it’s a beginning. I’m so dreadfully sorry. I would do anything to make it right. But I’ve no idea what that would be.”

  Elise stood there with her head bowed, holding on to the handles of her bicycle. She was glad she had it for support. Finally she spoke.

  “Sloan. I appreciate your apology. Yes, it was called for. But you’re right. This isn’t a time when a simple ‘I’m sorry’ is going to change very much. Your cruel words echo in my ears. Worse still, they echo in my heart. You must understand that it isn’t a matter of forgiveness. It’s a matter of trust. You showed me, unequivocally, that you didn’t have one iota of trust in me. The moment you were told one untrue thing about me, you believed it wholeheartedly. A person who loves another doesn’t act that way. And you! You, who prattled on about ‘soulmates’ from the very beginning. I don’t think you understand anything about true love. I have to go now. Chloe is at home with Josef. I don’t like to leave her.”

  She considered mentioning that she was leaving Thornton-on-Sea, but then thought better of it. She didn’t want the faintest possibility that he would try to follow her. Elise climbed atop her bicycle and didn’t even glance behind her. He was wise enough not to utter another word.

  She’d been home about three hours when the Western Union Office rang, saying there was a return wire from Brighton. She asked that it be read over the telephone.

  “Always your home. No need to ask. Advise arrival time.”

  Dear, special Violette. Elise had known her response would be positive. Next, she rang the rail station and learned there was a train leaving Thornton-on-Sea at 3:05 p.m. She would definitely be on it. She found Josef in the parlour, reading the newspaper and told him her plans. He smiled and said he was glad. She also took time to tell him about her run-in with Sloan. Josef thought she’d handled it well. Elise ran up the stairway and pulled out her old luggage. The last time she’d packed had been when she was moving to Thornton-on-Sea. ‘How strange the world is’, she thought. ‘I would never have dreamed that I’d be returning to Brighton with a broken heart.’

  She packed carefully – mostly clothing appropriate for a warm autumn, but she also put in some jumpers and a black, woolen skirt she could wear with nearly anything. Mostly, there were daytime frocks, under garments, and nightwear. She also put in a photo album of Chloe, so Violette could see how the little girl had grown. When she was ready, she went back down the stairs, where Josef waited to take her to the station. Chloe wouldn’t be home from school until after she’d left. She hated not being able to say goodbye to her little girl and voiced her concern to her brother.

  “I’ll explain to Chloe,” he answered.

  “Yes, but what will you say? I don’t want her upset in any way. She’s bound to think it odd that I’d simply run off and not even wait to tell her goodbye.”

  “I’ll tell her a little white lie. I’ll simply say that you
have a friend who’s being married and has asked for you to be there. I’ll say you received a wire. That you didn’t have time to wait until she came home from school, or you would have missed the train you needed to take in order to arrive in time for the wedding. Does that sound all right?”

  “I suppose so, although I detest telling Chloe any sort of lie. Isn’t there something better you could say? If I get into a story about a wedding, she’ll want all of the details, and one lie will lead to another. Can’t I stay with the truth as closely as possible?”

  “She remembers meeting Violette at Giselle’s wedding, doesn’t she?”

  “Oh, I’m sure she does. That was the highlight of Chloe’s life.”

  “Well, what about saying something came up, and you needed to speak to Violette about it. Nothing serious, but the sort of thing one about which one would seek advice from a mother. She knows you’ve always thought of Violette in that way, doesn’t she?”

  “Yes. Both Giselle and I spoke of Violette often. She knows how thrilled we were when Violette came to Thornton-on-Sea. You don’t think it would frighten and worry Chloe if I run off so unexpectedly?”

  “Not if I treat it casually. I’ll make certain Chloe knows this has nothing to do with her. Furthermore, I’ll let her think I don’t even know the full reason for the trip.”

  “I hope she doesn’t think it has something to do with my plans to marry Sloan. What if she mentions that?”

  “Elise, you’re analyzing this far too much. If she mentions Sloan, I’ll brush it off. I’m not about to give her an inkling of the problem between the two of you, nor let her think that’s what this is about. Maybe she’ll think you’ve gone to beg Violette to come to your engagement party and wedding.”