Luke stood next to me as I bent over the kitchen counter, my heart racing. I felt sick. And dizzy, like I was going to faint. This had to be a joke. Any minute I was going to wake up and the last few days would’ve been a dream. She couldn’t be gone. How the fuck was I supposed to live without her?
“When?” I asked, my voice hoarse.
“Yesterday afternoon. They’re not sure what time.” He hesitated. “She wasn’t found until ten o’clock last night,” he added softly. I let out a loud sob.
Yesterday afternoon.
That meant she must have been driving home from my house when she died.
If only I’d kept my dick in my pants, this never would’ve happened. I had been so focused on ruining things for my father that what was most important to me had slipped through my fingers.
She was gone, forever. I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest and smashed against a brick wall. My throat constricted as I fought for air. Struggling to take a breath, Luke touched my back.
“Are you okay? Jack, I don’t even know what to say. I know I wasn’t supportive of you guys, but I could see how much she loved you,” he said. “And I know you loved her.”
I wiped the tears from my eyes. The pain I was feeling was nothing like I’d ever felt before. Right now, I just wanted to die. I lifted my head from my hands, but said nothing. Luke stood next to me awkwardly, not sure what he could say to make this better. I walked over to the window that overlooked the balcony and stared outside. The sky was overcast, and a band of grey clouds were threatening to open over the city.
This couldn’t be happening. Every time I closed my eyes, all I saw was the hurt in hers before she left. She walked out and I did nothing to stop her. What if I had gone after her? If I had stopped her from leaving, even only for a few minutes, she would still be here today.
“Luke, do you mind leaving? I need to be alone.” The voice that came out didn’t even sound like mine.
Luke hesitated. “I don’t want to leave you alone, man.”
“Get the fuck out. Please, just leave.” I felt his presence for a few minutes longer. As soon as I heard the door close, I dropped to my knees and began to cry.
***
It was the day after I had found out, and two days since she’d died.
It still felt so unreal, like at any moment I was expecting her to call, or knock on my door. The last twenty-four hours I’d spend sleeping and drinking. They were the only two things that took my mind off this whole mess.
I hadn’t called work, or my father. I had nothing to say.
All I knew was I had to get the hell out of there. Everything reminded me of her. I’d slept on the floor of the balcony the night before in a pair of tracksuit pants, oblivious to the minus two frost. The bed reminded me of her, and I couldn’t even look at the sofa without imagining her sitting there, laughing. Every time I fell asleep I heard her laugh, only to open my eyes and find myself alone, and empty. The freezing temperature made me numb, but it didn’t dull the pain.
Racing through the bedroom, I slammed a few things into my overnight bag. Zipping it up, I threw it over my shoulder and grabbed my keys. As an afterthought I grabbed my phone, remembering that was my only connection to Belle. All her messages, her picture, everything that I had of her was on my phone. Without that, it was like she never existed in my life.
I jumped in my car with no idea where I was going. All I knew was I needed to get out of the city, and I needed alcohol. Lots of Alcohol. I stopped by a bottle shop and stocked up on scotch.
As I climbed back in the car, it hit me. I knew where I needed to go. I headed in the direction of the lake house. It was the only place I knew nobody would find me. The only people who knew about this place were Dad and Alex. Alex was overseas, and Dad had made it clear he didn’t give a shit about me.
My mind replayed my final minutes with Belle over and over, each time focused on that moment when I did nothing to stop her from leaving. I did nothing. She left and I did nothing.
If she had never met me, she would still be alive. If only I hadn’t gone back to the restaurant. I was a fucking mess. My vision blurred as I jerked the wheel to miss an imaginary rabbit, the car swerving on the road. I gained back control, my heart thumping. How easy would it be for me to end it right now, the same way Belle’s life ended? All I would have to do was speed up and slam into a tree. My foot pressed on the accelerator, the car slowly gaining speed. The road was slippery from the frost, and the fog made it difficult to see more than a few meters in front. I reached behind me, my hand gripping the neck of a bottle of scotch. I held it between my legs and unscrewed the top.
I lifted the bottle to my lips and drank. More than a mouthful, I drank until the liquid began to burn my lips. Moving it away, I gasped, breathing heavily. Sitting the open bottle next to me on the seat, I slowed down.
The lake house came into view, its three stories an imposing structure nestled among the serene environment that was Lake Elucas. Parking the car in the driveway, I got out, taking the bottle with me and grabbed my bag.
Belle would’ve loved it here. It was the perfect location for a romantic getaway. Or a place full of empty childhood memories. Suddenly, coming up here didn’t seem like the best idea, but I was too tired and drunk to do anything about it.
Grabbing the other bottles from the back seat, I went inside. It had been years since I’d ventured up there, but it looked just the same, albeit a little dustier. I pulled a sheet off an armchair and sat down. It was a recliner, so I put my feet up until I was almost lying completely down. I stared blankly at the ceiling, only looking down to take another sip of scotch. Was I trying to drink myself to death? Probably, but crashing my car hadn’t worked, so I didn’t expect this to work either.
I never thought I’d be back here. I swore I would never come back. Memories of Mum and Dad fighting, Dad beating Mum, her face being pushed into the broken glass of a vase on the floor, Dad kicking her down two flights of stairs—it all came flooding back to me. How could I blame her for leaving? The answer was I didn’t, I only blamed her for not taking us with her.
Chapter Twenty-One
I woke up disoriented. My neck hurt like hell and I had a ripping headache. Reaching up to rub my neck, I tried to gather my thoughts. I sat forward. Bad move.
“Fuck!” I yelled as my skin ripped away from the suction it had created against the leather chair. Standing up, it took me a minute to recognize the lake house and remember why I was here. The worst part was I didn’t even remember driving here.
It was still light outside. I grabbed my phone and switched it on for the first time in days. Message after message came through. I immediately deleted all the messages and calls from work and my father, which left three from Luke and two from Alex. I tossed the phone aside, not ready to deal with anyone yet. All I wanted was to forget, but my head was my own worst enemy.
I grabbed the sheet, wrapped it around my shoulders, and slipped the phone in my pocket. I went outside and followed the track down to the edge of the lake. I sat down in the soft, wet sand a fair distance from the house. I knew this spot well. We used to hide behind the huge tree log and try to block out Mum’s screams as Dad ripped into her. She’d never tell us what had happened, but we knew. Everything that went on in that house, we knew about.
It was just after midnight, according to my phone. Another two missed calls from Alex, and one from Luke. Guilt ripped through me as I thought about Belle and our fight. If Luke knew what I had done, he wouldn’t be wasting his time with me.
I couldn’t bring myself to speak to him; the pain I felt was just too overwhelming. It wasn’t only Belle’s life I had ruined, it was everyone who knew her. How could anyone move on after losing such an amazing girl? How could I move on?
I felt the tears well as I punched Alex’s number into my phone. He answered on the first ring.
“Jack.” He whispered softly. He knew. His tone of voice said it all. Luke must’ve been worr
ied, to contact Alex.
“Sorry I didn’t call you back earlier,” I muttered, the words barely audible. I rubbed my chin, trying to focus.
“I don’t know what to say,” Alex said quietly.
I laughed harshly. “There’s nothing to say. There’s nothing that can be done to fix this.”
“Jack—”
“No, you don’t get it. You don’t know what I did to her. I killed her, Alex. I fucking killed her!”
“What do you mean, you killed her?” Alex asked. He sounded confused. “And where are you?”
“What does it matter where I am?” I replied.
“Just tell me where you are,” repeated Alex calmly.
“I’m at the lake house,” I said softly. I picked up a stone from the ground beside me and threw it into the lake. The sound of it breaking through the stillness of the water echoed.
“The lake house?” Alex repeated, as if he’d forgotten about it, or blocked it from his memory. “Okay, tell me what happened. Tell me everything.”
“I cheated on her. I cheated on her with Lisbeth,” I mumbled, crying.
“Jack, you told me that already, remember? After it happened, you called me. You also said you stopped it, remember?” Alex asked. I shook my head. The last few days had blended into a big blur. I was having trouble separating my thoughts from reality.
“It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anymore. If she had never met me, then she would still be alive right now. If I hadn’t cheated on her, then she wouldn’t have left and she wouldn’t be dead right now,” I cried.
Pain tore through my stomach. I hadn’t eaten in two days and my insides felt as though they were being ripped to shreds. I gripped my stomach and tried to ride through the pain. I deserved to hurt.
“I have to go,” I said numbly, ignoring Alex’s pleas and hanging up the phone. My body shivered, begging for warmth. I didn’t deserve to be warm. I deserved to suffer, just like I made her suffer.
How long had she been in the car before she died? What if they were wrong? What if she hadn’t been killed instantly? How could they tell twelve hours later that she’d died on impact?
I pulled myself to my knees, my stomach dry-retching as bile pooled inside my mouth. I spat the sour-tasting liquid from my mouth. I ripped my pants off and tossed them aside, standing naked by the water’s edge. Slowly, I began to wade into the freezing lake. This is what I deserved. I needed to be punished, but the problem was there was no punishment in the world harsh enough to undo the damage that I had done.
“Fuck!” I yelled at the top of my lungs as the water moved past my knees. This wasn’t a lake for swimming. I knew that, but I didn’t give a fuck. With a little bit of luck I would get pulled under by one of the many potholes and drown.
I gasped as the water covered my chest. It was freezing, but at the same time I felt nothing. It was like there was no room left inside me to feel anything but the pain I felt for Belle.
Belle.
Even her name made my stomach lurch. My sweet, sweet Belle. I closed my eyes and imagined her beautiful smile and the way the arch of her nose scrunched up when she didn’t like something. I thought about how happy she had made me, and how when I was around her I felt as though I was important. She loved me unconditionally and she trusted me with every bone in her body. And I broke that.
I lowered myself into the water, allowing the wetness to engulf me completely. How long would it take for my spirit to leave my body if I held my breath under here? Had she felt anything? In the seconds before she slammed into that tree, had she known she was going to die?
Were her final thoughts about me? About how much she loved me, or about how much I had hurt her?
A sob escaped from me, causing water to gush into my mouth and up my nose. I coughed, and instinctively rose above the water, to breathe in the fresh air.
I could just imagine my father’s words if he could see me now. I couldn’t even kill myself properly, that’s how much of a failure I was. An embarrassment to the family. I was useless. Not even my own mother wanted me.
‘I can’t handle being your mother.’
What kind of mother says that? What the fuck did I ever do to her but love her? How she could just pack up and leave, just like that, I couldn’t comprehend. If my own mother despised me that much, what hope did I ever have? I was fucked from the start. Had my mother not fallen pregnant with me, she never would have married my father. He never would have broken her spirit. I remember my mother as a soft-spoken woman who let my father control her. Had she once been strong and free like Belle, before my father left her feeling worthless and capable of nothing?
“Jack.”
The voice was so soft, and at first I thought I must’ve imagined it. I looked back to the shore. I saw him: Luke. He was standing there, his arms crossed, staring out at me. From where I was, I couldn’t read his expression. I didn’t need his pity. He didn’t understand, he couldn’t, not without knowing the full story, and I couldn’t tell him that. I couldn’t have another person hating me.
“Fuck off, Luke. Just leave me alone,” I called out. He didn’t move. He just stood there, waiting, as if he knew eventually I’d have to come back in.
“Jack. Get out of the water. Don’t do this to yourself,” he called to me.
“You don’t get it, Luke. Please, just go. I don’t want you here,” I said desperately. My body was shaking, slowly giving in to the freezing temperature of the water.
“If you don’t come out, I’m going to come in.” He unzipped his jacket and threw it on the ground to show me he was serious. I didn’t doubt for a second that he would if he thought that was the only way he could get me out of the water.
“Fuck!” I cursed, not seeing an escape. Slowly, with one foot placed tentatively in front of the other, I made my way out of the water. I was shaking so badly, I almost lost my balance.
“What the fuck you are you doing? Do you think Belle would want you to be like this?” he asked, throwing his jacket around my wet shoulders. I didn’t respond, unable to talk because I was so fucking cold.
He led me inside and sat me down next to the heater, which he ramped up. He wrapped blankets around me and made me a cup of tea. Slowly my body temperature began to return to normal. The whole time, I didn’t say a word. I just stared blankly at the floor.
“Jack, please talk to me,” Luke begged me. He tried to reach for my hand but I pulled it away.
“I can’t,” I said hoarsely.
“She would’ve forgiven you. You know that, right? She loved you.” He knew? I glanced up at him. If he knew what I had done, then why the hell was he here? Why did he care so much about what happened to me?
“I killed her. She’s dead, and it’s my fault.” I said the words like it was that simple—as if there were no other possible explanation.
“It was an accident. A tragic accident. What you don’t know is that her tire blew out. That is what caused her to crash. Not you.” His words registered in my head. I turned to him.
“Which tire? Which tire was it?” I asked angrily. Luke looked confused, but he answered the question.
“The front left. Why?” he asked. I shook my head. The same tire that brought us together had ripped us apart.
“The day I met Belle, I gave her a lift home because her tire had a flat. The front left tire.”
“Jack, you need to pull yourself together. You need to do it for Belle. The funeral is tomorrow and you need to be there. If you don’t go, you will regret it, you know that.”
I nodded. I would regret it, but I wasn’t sure if I could say goodbye to her just yet.
Chapter Twenty-Two
I glanced around the church, unable to shake the feeling that I didn’t belong there. My expression was grim, which matched my mood perfectly. There were about thirty people, just close friends and family. How Luke had managed to get me on the list, I had no idea.
Surely it looked odd that I was here. Why would I have felt the nee
d to go? As far as everyone knew, I was a future co-godparent who had met Belle twice. When Luke first told me her family knew nothing about our relationship, I was angry. I felt like they deserved to know what had happened. He hadn’t even told Sally.
The hardest part was not showing any emotion. I didn’t trust myself not to lose it completely, so I forced myself to show nothing at all. I stood alone at the back of the church, staring at her coffin and the pink and white roses that covered it.
I can’t do this. I can’t say goodbye to her, I need more time. Turning around, I went to leave and smacked hard into someone. I mumbled an apology. The person touched my shoulder. I glanced up.
“Alex?” I asked. I hadn’t seen my brother in two years. He pulled me into his arms and hugged me. The moment his arms wrapped around me, that was it—I couldn’t pretend anymore. I began to sob, not caring how loud I was or how it looked. For once I didn’t give a shit about appearances.
“It’s okay,” Alex soothed, his hold on me strengthening. “You need to do this, Jack. You’ll never move on if you don’t say goodbye.”
I nodded. He was right: I couldn’t move on if I didn’t say goodbye, but I didn’t want to move on.
He stood beside me through the service, his hand in mine, letting me know he was there for me. It was over quickly. Her mother spoke about her achievements, and Sally read a eulogy. I silently went through my own list of things to remember about Belle. The service was to be followed by a private burial with just immediate family.
Luke came up to me and hugged me. “I’m sorry, man. I wish you could be there,” he said, his voice breaking. I wiped my eyes, which were red and puffy.
“Why don’t you hate me, Luke? I need you to hate me right now,” I mumbled.
“I don’t hate you because this is not your fault,” he answered. “Am I pissed at you for what you did? Yeah, but I don’t hate you. And I know nothing I can say could ever come close to what you are putting yourself through.”
Seduce (Beautiful Rose 0.5) Page 14