Aftermath: The police arrived and broke up the quarrel, but made no arrests. According to a spokesperson, “After lengthy investigation, talking to witnesses and reviewing good CCTV footage, it was confirmed that there was no assault. The two rival groups were spoken to and advised to keep out of each other’s way.”
At last report, the Star Wars Club and the Sci-Fi Club were “having discussions about having a meeting to settle their differences amicably.”
The word “onion” comes from a Latin word that means “large pearl.”
Stormtrooper in Training: An unnamed employee of the Huntington Beach, California, Police Department
(Not Such) A Long Time Ago: In April 2016, a familiar name appeared on the police department’s online arrest log: Harrison Ford. According to the log, Ford was arrested and booked into jail on suspicion of inflicting corporal injury on a spouse (his wife is actress Calista Flockhart) and possession of a controlled substance. An hour later, the arrest record mysteriously disappeared from the site. Was it a case of a powerful Hollywood actor using his star power to cover up his misdeeds? Nope. Harrison Ford wasn’t even in the country when the crimes and arrest supposedly took place.
His name appeared in the arrest log only because the police department was training employees on how to create police records. Trainees do this by creating fake records for crimes that have not occurred. One of the trainees decided to use the actor’s name when creating the record. Somehow it was mistaken for a genuine arrest record and posted online. “Of the thousands of recent training entries, one was not properly deleted, and it accidentally appeared on the public arrest log for a brief time,” the department said in a statement. “No one by the name of Harrison Ford, celebrity or otherwise, was arrested by the Huntington Beach Police Department yesterday.”
Aftermath: A police department spokesperson said that the department “will be more diligent in the future in catching potential errors.” However, it has no plans to change its training methods.
RANDOM ORIGIN: THE DUNCE CAP
Up until the 1950s or so, acting up in class or doing poorly on an assignment might have landed you a spot in the corner of the classroom wearing a “dunce cap,” a tall, conical—and embarrassing—hat. It’s named for John Duns Scotus, a Franciscan priest from Scotland who, in the late 13th and early 14th centuries, was a doctor of theology in Cologne, Germany. Scotus became an influential Catholic philosopher with many theories that affected religious and secular thought. But he was also obsessed with pointy hats, and believed that they actually trapped knowledge floating around in the sky, having been sent down from God. (It came in through the tip, and was then absorbed by the captive brain below.) Followers of Duns’s teachings—Dunsmen—wore duns, or “dunce caps,” until the mid-16th century, when Duns’s theories fell out of favor. Those who remained devoted Dunsmen continued to wear the pointy hats and were seen as behind the times or dumb (especially by Protestants). Dunsmen became known as “duns” or “dunces,” and when kids didn’t do well in class, they had to pay the price by showing everyone how “dumb” they were—by wearing dunce caps.
Top two lemon producers in the U.S.: 1. California and 2. Arizona.
DANGER: MAGNETARS
On page 187, we told you about dangers that are hiding in plain sight around you. Here’s a look at a danger that may be lurking somewhere in the Milky Way galaxy.
Magnetic Personality. When a massive star (much bigger than our Sun) reaches the end of its life span, it explodes into a supernova and turns into a neutron star. Neutron stars are dense, fast-spinning, highly magnetic masses. Some are so magnetic that they get their own special category. Called magnetars, these stars have magnetic fields up to a quadrillion times (that’s 1,000 trillion) more magnetic than the Earth’s. But magnetars are rare, and they last only a short while (about 10,000 years) before they decay.
Going to Pieces. Astrophysicist Paul Sutter wrote an article called “Why Magnetars Should Freak You Out” and…he wasn’t kidding! If Earth were ever to come too close to a magnetar, the magnetism would destroy all computers, appliances, power lines, and compasses. “The magnetic fields,” Sutter explains, “are strong enough to upset not just your bioelectricity—rendering your nerve impulses useless—but your very molecular structure. In a magnetar’s field, you just kind of…dissolve.”
This is all theoretical, of course. Our sun isn’t massive enough to become a magnetar, and the ones that astronomers know about are too rare and too far away to endanger Earth. Or at least until December 27, 2004, when a magnetar called SGR 1806-20 experienced a “starquake”—a crack in its crust. Even though the crust probably moved only a centimeter, a magnetar is so dense (a teaspoon of its material weighs 10 million tons) and its gravity is so strong that the tiny shift caused an immense explosion. Instantly, it released the same amount of energy our sun gives off in hundreds of thousands of years, sending a flood of high-energy gamma rays and X-rays across the galaxy.
Too Close for Comfort. When the gamma rays hit Earth that day, they fried several satellites, even the ones specially designed to view the rays. The explosion even affected Earth’s magnetic field and upper atmosphere. But the most unbelievable part: SGR 1806-20 is a whopping 50,000 light-years from Earth, halfway across the Milky Way galaxy. According to astronomer Bryan Gaensler, “Had this happened within ten light-years of us, it would have severely damaged our atmosphere and possibly have triggered a mass extinction.” But magnetars are rare, right? Yes, but astronomers have identified about 10 in our galaxy…including one less than 10,000 light-years away. Let’s hope that scientists don’t discover any magnetars that are even closer to Earth. And if they do, let’s hope that it doesn’t have any quakes, or we could be toast, in a magnetic sort of way.
Tamerlane, a 14th-century Turco-Mongol conqueror, made towers out of his enemies’ severed heads.
BOTTLES & CHOKERS
Making motion pictures is an expensive and chaotic process that forces the directors, actors, and crew to work as quickly as possible. That requires quick, clear communication that has given the industry a language all its own.
Juicer/Sparky: Electrician.
Stinger: Extension cord.
Do a Banana: When an actor walks a curved path toward or away from the camera, so that their body doesn’t block the view of something important in the background.
Cashew: A short banana.
Man Maker: Any device used to make a short actor appear taller on camera.
Dead Cat: The fuzzy cover that goes on a microphone to block wind noise.
Dead Wombat: A large dead cat.
Abby/Abby Singer: The second-to-last shot of the day. Named for a production manager famous for warning the crew that they’d soon have to break down the set.
Bottle: The camera lens.
Martini: Last shot of the day (the next shot will be drunk in a bar, after work).
Legs/Sticks: Camera tripod. A small tripod used for low-angle shots is called a “baby legs.”
Lewinskys: The kneepads worn by stuntmen.
Magic Hour: The period right before sunrise or right after sunset when filming in natural light produces visually striking results.
Bogie: An unauthorized person who has walked on set and into the shot.
Choker/Screamer: A tight close up of an actor, sometimes from the top of the neck up, and sometimes with just their eyes in the shot.
Picture’s Up: Everything on set is ready for the filming of a scene to begin.
Flying In: When a needed person or object is on their way to the set.
Buff and Puff: Sending an actor back to the hair and makeup department for a touch-up.
Upgrade: When an actor taking a 10-1 decides they’re going to need a 10-2.
Run and Gun: A film made quickly and on the cheap, with little production equipment other than the camera.
Mark: The place an actor needs to stand for the camera to be in focus; usually marked by an “X” on the floor in gaffer’s ta
pe.
Closed Set: When only the most essential cast and crewmembers are allowed on set (such as when a nude scene is being filmed).
Sausage: A raised mark, made with a roll of fabric instead of gaffer’s tape, so that the actor can find the mark with their foot, without looking down at the floor while being filmed.
Golden Time: Overtime, when the crew receives double pay.
Last Looks: The call made to the hair/makeup crew to let them know the actors they’re working on will be needed on set soon.
Big Eyes: Camera operators focus their cameras by zooming in on the eyes of the actor. “Big eyes” is the instruction that tells the actor to not blink or look away.
10-1: A short bathroom break (“number one”). A 10-2 is a longer bathroom break.
Some turtles breathe through their butts.
TWANTRUMS
What’s a Twantrum? A Twitter tantrum. (We made up the word.) As even the least tech-savvy person now knows, Twitter is an alternate universe where anyone—from ordinary people to heads of state—can make public rants. As these stories show, the fallout can range from minor to serious, but fortunately does not include nuclear war (yet).
YOU DRIVE ME NUTS
Tweeter: Scott Bartosiewicz, account manager for New Media Strategies, a social media consulting firm
Date: March 9, 2011
Backstory: While stuck in traffic on his way to work, Bartosiewicz typed out a frustrated tweet. Unfortunately, he wasn’t signed into his own account as he’d thought—he was signed into the corporate Chrysler account that he managed, which had more than 7,000 followers.
Twantrum: “I find it ironic that Detroit is known as the #motorcity and yet no one here knows how to f***ing drive.”
Aftermath: Surprisingly, the company was less upset about the tweet’s profanity than it was about Bartosiewicz badmouthing Detroit, because Chrysler had just launched its “Imported from Detroit” campaign. “We simply couldn’t tolerate any messaging—whether or not there was an obscenity—that was denigrating to Detroit,” said the company’s spokesperson. Not only was Bartosiewicz fired, so was New Media Strategies.
NEWS HOUND
Tweeter: Roger Stone, former adviser to Donald Trump’s presidential campaign
Date: October 28, 2017
Backstory: For the past year, Trump allies and associates had attacked CNN and other mainstream media as sources of “fake news.” On October 28, CNN reported that special prosecutor Robert Mueller, who was investigating Russia’s interference in the 2016 U.S. presidential election, was about to indict someone…but didn’t say who. Apparently, the reports so enraged Stone that he went on an hours-long tirade directing personal insults at six CNN anchors and contributors.
Twantrum: Stone called Don Lemon a “buffoon” and a “dumb piece of sh*t,” called Ana Navarro a “dumbf**k,” and said Bill Kristol was “packing on the pounds” and used the hashtag #porky. To commentator Charles Blow, Stone tweeted, “YOU Lie…you fast talking arrogant fake news piece of sh*t !” He attacked investigative journalist Carl Bernstein with: “If Carl Bernstein says something the overwhelming odds are that it’s false lied about Watergate lying lying now.” He labeled CNN anchor Jake Tapper “human excrement” and called for Lemon to be “confronted, humiliated, mocked and punished.”
A “dead” Egyptian desert snail was placed on display in the British Museum in 1846…and woke up four years later.
Aftermath: In response, Charles Blow tweeted back a single word: “Stoned.” Tapper posted a gif of a famous scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark showing a villain’s face melting off with the comment “Watching some prominent meltdowns on Twitter. Quite a sight!” And Twitter’s response: permanent suspension of Stone’s account, citing the company’s policy that prohibits users from engaging in “the targeted abuse or harassment of others.”
JUST SAYING
Tweeter: Amanda Bynes, star of Nickelodeon’s All That and The Amanda Show
Date: October 10, 2014
Backstory: The 28-year-old actor had been on a downward spiral for a few years. Bynes had been charged with two counts of hit-and-run and, in a confused state, had (accidentally) soaked her dog in gasoline while (intentionally) trying to set her neighbor’s yard on fire. She’d also been arrested twice for DUIs and once for throwing a marijuana bong out of the window of her 36th-floor apartment. When her parents arranged to take her to a mental health facility, she lashed out with a series of tweets.
Twantrum: “My dad was verbally and physically abuse to me as a child,” she wrote. “I need to tell the truth about my dad. He called me ugly as a child.” Then she described her father’s alleged lewd behavior and added, “My mom knows that my father’s literally and physically incestual towards his own daughter.” In conclusion, she said, “Call me what you want but please do not call me crazy or insane because that’s a joke.”
Aftermath: Her mother immediately released a statement in which she blamed the allegations on “Amanda’s mental state…They have no basis in reality.” Within hours Bynes recanted her claims, tweeting: “My dad never did any of those things. The microchip in my brain made me say those things but he’s the one that ordered them to microchip me.”
After-aftermath: Later that day, after getting booted from LaGuardia Airport for berating a ticket agent who refused to reroute a plane for her, Bynes was checked into a psychiatric hospital. In 2017 she announced that she is sober and is planning a comeback to TV.
It’s not easy eatin’ green: Geomelophagia is the compulsive desire to eat raw potatoes.
DROPPING THE BALL
Tweeter: Stevie Johnson, Buffalo Bills wide receiver
Date: November 28, 2010
Backstory: The Bills were the underdog in their game against the Pittsburgh Steelers but, impressively, they were holding their own. They managed to tie the score and send the game into overtime. With Johnson in the end zone, quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick threw a pass that landed directly in his hands and would have been the game-winning touchdown…but Johnson dropped it. A half hour after losing the game, he sent a rage-tweet directed at God.
Twantrum: “I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO…”
Aftermath: When the message was reported by news outlets, many of his fans were offended. The next day, Johnson backtracked, tweeting, “No, I Did Not Blame God…I Simply Cried Out And Asked Why? Jus Like yal did wen sumthin went wrong n ur life!”
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
Tweeters: Verizon and T-Mobile
Date: February 5, 2017
Backstory: During the 2017 Super Bowl, T-Mobile aired an edgy commercial featuring comedian Kristen Schaal in a spoof of the movie Fifty Shades of Grey. The ad suggested that being a customer of T-Mobile’s competitor, Verizon, is painful and punishing, like the BDSM relationship in the movie. The commercial ends with: “Wireless pain is fine, if you’re into that sort of thing” and then promotes T-Mobile’s unlimited data plan.
Twantrum: In response, Verizon tweeted, “Yes @Tmobile, we’re into BDSM. Bigger coverage map, Devastating Speed, and Massive capacity.” This unleashed a torrent of innuendo-laden tweets from T-Mobile, Verizon, Schaal, T-Mobile CEO John Legere, and their Twitter followers. T-Mobile posted, “Your bill should never make you feel naughty! Dont get #Punished by overages. #TheSafeWordisUnlimited.” Verizon responded with: “Unfortunately no one will hear your safe word if you’re on @ Tmobile.” T-Mobile followed up with: “Think you’ve had too much? Are you close to being finished…with limits? You won’t get punished with #TMobileONE.”
Aftermath: While most observers found the Twitter feud funny, some people complained that it was awkward and went way too far, including one Twitter user who summed it up with: “50 Shades of Don’t.”
It’s illegal for Indiana liquor stores to sell milk or cold soda. (Warm soda is OK.)
CABLE: THE FINAL FRONTIER
Tweeter: S
ir Patrick Stewart, who played Captain Jean-Luc Picard in Star Trek: The Next Generation
Date: September 13, 2012 (Stardate: 90310.28)
Backstory: Celebrity status couldn’t help Stewart when he ended up suffering the same slings and arrows as normal people: He spent a day and a half waiting for the Time Warner Cable guy, who never showed up to activate his cable service. So Stewart, who is esteemed for his Shakespearean acting, took to Twitter.
Twantrum: “All I wanted to do was set up a new account with @twcable_nyc but 36hrs later I’ve lost the will to live,” he wrote in a theatric tone. Eventually, the message caught the attention of Time Warner, which asked through Twitter how they could help. Dejected, Stewart tweeted, “If that question had been asked at any time in the last 36hrs it would have been of value. But now…” leaving readers to picture him dramatically stabbing a blade through his heart.
Aftermath: To counter the potential bad publicity, Time Warner tweeted this statement: “Our Care and Social Media teams are fully engaged to make sure he’s well tended to. On behalf of the many Trekkers and Sir Patrick Stewart fans across our company, I can assure you, we will make it so.”
HUNG OUT TO DRY
Tweeter: Jon-Barrett Ingels, a waiter in Los Angeles
Date: July 17, 2009
Uncle John's Actual and Factual Bathroom Reader Page 44