“Rough.”
“Oh you want it rougher? Any way you like it, Baby.”
“What?” I mumbled in confusion. Suddenly he was grabbing my hair and slamming his lips to mine. He was hurting me.
“Hurting me,” I slurred incoherently.
“Shhh, I’m just doing what we both want. Showing you how much I love you.”
I felt him spread my legs further apart and he shoved himself inside me, hard. I thought he would split me open. He was being rough and it hurt. He was just pummeling me. Grinding into me hard and fast. It felt like he was ripping me apart. Then I heard something else. Was that a whimper? I tried to turn my head, but his hands were holding my hair so I couldn’t move.
“No,” I heard Grant’s voice say. I peered to my side through my semi-closed lids and Grant was …
Chapter 9
Have You Gone Absolutely Mad?
… standing in the doorway. How could he be there and on top of me? He was making love to me, but he was standing across the room. I looked above me and a blurry Grant zoomed in and out of focus. He was Grant, but then he was Dane, and then Grant again; but Grant was at the door.
“Lanie, I’m so glad you finally told me this was what you wanted. I never would have done anything like this without knowing you wanted it, too.”
No, that wasn’t right. What was he saying? I was so confused and my head was thrumming. Something was seriously wrong.
“This is how it should have always been.” But it was Dane’s voice. I was still being rammed. The pain between my legs was becoming increasingly worse.
I had to get my bearings. I tried as hard as I could to pull myself out of my stupor. I tried to kick him off me using everything I had to fight. I scratched his face and his fist came down hard into my jaw. I heard fast footsteps. I started to scream, and then I felt him being ripped from me. I could taste blood in my mouth and intense pain. Then there was fighting. I tried to sit up and force my eyes to open. Dane and Grant were fighting. Punching each other, breaking things and knocking over furniture. I didn’t understand where I was or what was going on. I was in a complete state of utter confusion. Suddenly feeling very exposed. I tried to find anything to cover myself with. I felt hands on me and cried out slapping at whoever it was.
“Shhh, Lanie. Stop. I’m getting you out of here.” This voice sounded right to me.
“She doesn’t want to be with you. You hurt her, you lied to her,” Dane spat.
“No, Dane. Not me. You.” Grant’s words were filled with venom. He wrapped his jacket around me and picked me up. I threw my arms around his neck and breathed him in. This was the real Grant. He held me close.
“Lanie, what are you doing? Why are you going with him? What about us?” Dane sounded sickeningly sweet.
“Are you sick, Dane? This whole thing tonight, it’s just so sick,” Grant sounded disgusted.
“No, what you did to Lanie was sick.” He blocked the doorway.
“Dane, I’m taking Lanie home. Get out of my way. Now.”
“She doesn’t want to go with you. She wants to be with me. You saw us. We were together. We were making love.”
“Have you gone absolutely mad? Move. Move now or something we’ll both regret is going to happen. Something far worse then everything that’s happened so far tonight.”
“Please, take me home,” I barely managed. With my plea hanging in the air, Dane moved to the side. As Grant and I passed, Dane reached out to touch me.
“Don’t! Don’t you ever dare touch her again.” His voice was gruff and low. I heard the door slam behind us. The night air was extremely cold, or maybe I was just chilled from lack of clothing. My head was still spinning. My eyes still couldn’t focus.
“Oh God, Lanie. How can this all be happening? What the hell?” He pulled me even closer. He pressed his lips to the top of my head and didn’t move them. Was he crying? My mind couldn’t process it all. I thought I heard him sob.
I had locked the door to my house when I left earlier. Grant had to get the key. “Can you stand?”
“I don’t know.”
“We’re going to give it a try, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Keep your arm around me.” He ever so gently lowered me to place my feet on the ground only long enough to grab the key and unlock the door. He swiftly picked me back up into the safety of his embrace. He held me there for a moment before opening the door, then entered my kitchen. I guess my dinner cleanup looked more like a temper tantrum. Food was on the counters and floors; dishes were in the sink, some of them broken.
“Lanie,” he whispered in shock, “what the hell happened?”
I was in no mood to, nor did I think I could recant the evening’s events. I didn’t reply. He turned and headed for the stairs. This was what I wanted tonight to be like. Grant and I, home together, but that was all gone now. There wouldn’t be anything for us tonight, possibly ever again. Pieces of my heart were now strewn all the way up my stairs. When we got to my room, he brought me right into the master bath and sat me on the edge of the tub.
“You’re jaw is bruised. I need to get you some ice. Do you think you can stay right here without falling off the tub?”
“Yes. Don’t leave me.”
“I have to get some ice for your face.”
“Fine,” I said reluctantly. And he was gone. I tried to stand and the room swam. I took a deep breath in and grabbed the towel bar to steady myself. I made it to the door and grabbed my robe and put it on. I went to the mirror to see the damage. Yep, I looked like I had been in a bar fight. I made it back to the tub and sat down. Grant was back with a bag of frozen peas. I was hurt, not hungry.
“Lanie, this will mold to your face, so it shouldn’t hurt too bad.” He pressed the peas to my face. It did hurt and I jerked back.
“I’m sorry, Sweetheart. Here, you hold it on so you can press as much as you need to so it doesn’t hurt.”
He proceeded to wet the corner of a small hand towel and started cleaning the mascara that was probably halfway down my face. He was so gentle showing how much he cared for me in his touch. Is that even possible? Why was he being so nice to me right now? I could feel my eyes start to sting and the tears started to well in my eyes.
“Does it hurt?”
“No. It’s not that.” My words were lost. I didn’t know how to tell him what I felt. I’m sure he sensed it. He stopped dead; his face went pale and he looked pained. Then his eyes got moist, too.
“What the hell happened tonight? Everything was perfect, then everything was wrong.”
He grasped my shoulders, dropped his head and leaned it against my chest. I wanted to reach out and hold him. I didn’t know what to do. My head finally felt like it was starting to clear.
“We have a lot to talk about,” he said.
“I know. But I don’t want to talk now. I can’t. I just want to go to sleep. I want to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow morning from this nightmare.” His sad eyes searched my face, but I’m not sure what for. I got up and my knees gave out. He grabbed my arm and helped me to the bedroom. I grabbed leggings and a big soft sweatshirt and pulled them on. Grant turned his back and looked out my window to his window across the way. One hand covered his face and the other hung at his side. He looked lost. I climbed into bed, pulled the covers up to my neck and curled myself into fetal position.
“I’m not leaving you alone. I’ll stay downstairs.”
“No. Stay here with me. Please.” I closed my eyes. I felt him lay down on the bed at my feet and he curled himself around them.
Nightmares. Vivid visions splashed across my mind.
Grant with Lori.
His face when he saw me.(
Dane above me.
Tom using me.(
Lori giggling in front of Grant.(
Lori walking out the door with Tom.(
Grant seeing me with Dane.
My nightmare must have become a night terror, because I heard myself screaming
and then Grant was beside me. Soothing me, waking me, telling me everything was going to be all right.
“I’m so sorry, Lanie. This wasn’t the night I had planned for us,” he whispered quietly into my ear.
“Grant, hold me. I need you right now. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t say you’re sorry. I want to be here with you. I’ll stay as long as you’ll have me. “
Grant lay beside me and spooned me. We stayed like that all night. He never left my side and the nightmares stayed at bay. When light entered the room, I started to stir. The pain seeped into my consciousness. My jaw was killing me. My head hurt just as much. Grant was leaning up on one arm, watching me. I looked up at him for a moment, but the pain I saw in his eyes was too much for me. I looked away.
“I need to shower.” I said.
“Maybe a hot bath would do you better. Soak for a while. Clear your head. How is your head?”
“I’m not sure. I’m still feeling fuzzy. Not like a hangover; I don’t know.”
Grant’s hand clenched into a fist and then he quickly released it. I had to think he was trying keep calm for me.
“I’ll start the water and then I’m going to attack your kitchen. Well, un-attack it. Looks like it was in a bar brawl last night. Can I get you some coffee?”
A million emotions ran through my veins and I just didn’t know how to react. Part of me wanted to reach and out kiss him. Another wanted to yell at him for being with Lori. Another was ashamed of what happened last night with Dane.
“I can clean the kitchen. My mess.”
“Lanie, please let me help you.”
“I don’t want your pity. I want everything to be like it was yesterday morning. I don’t know what I want.” And with that the waterworks started. I didn’t want him to see me like this.
“Please don’t cry. It’s heartbreaking to me.”
“I think I want you to go.”
He looked hurt. More than he already did. I didn’t want to hurt him anymore. I’m sure last night had devastated him as much as it had me.
“I think I need female company right now. Could you call Samantha and Chels for me? I need them here.” I was suddenly desperate for them to be here. Before I could say anything else, he shot up and grabbed the phone.
“Chels, something happened last night. I don’t want to talk about it right now. Lanie needs you and Samantha. Now, please.” He hung up and looked at me. I couldn’t look him in the eyes. The more last night’s events came back to my memory, the more I wanted to crawl deep inside myself.
“Lanie, I’m going to go downstairs. I’m not leaving until they get here. Do you want me to come back later?” I didn’t want him to leave. I didn’t want him to stay. I didn’t want to face any of this.
“Grant, I need some time. I need to straighten out everything that’s going on in my head.”
“Please, Lanie, give me a chance to tell you my side of this, when you’re ready. This whole thing, I just don’t know what to say to you right now.”
“I’m not sure I could listen right now.”
“Please promise me you’ll give me a chance. That’s all I’m asking.”
I raised my hand. “I promise to hear you out. But you have to do the same for me. That’s all I can give you right now. When I’m ready. Not now. I’m not even sure today.”
He lowered his head and pulled himself up. He looked like he was carrying a great weight. He moved slowly and with much effort, like a magnet trying to pull away from its attractant.
“Grant, I’m not abandoning you. I’m not going anywhere. I just don’t know where here is right now.” I gestured to the space between us.
“I understand.” He turned and left the room. My breath hitched in my throat and it took me a bit to recover from watching him walk away. I felt empty.
I started my bath and stopped to look in the mirror. I was mortified to see that my jaw had a black and blue bruise on it. I felt a pang of something, not sure what, that Grant had seen me looking like this. I needed to keep myself moving, so I got into the bath. I heard voices downstairs and figured Grant was filling Chelsie and Samantha in on everything. Suddenly I felt the need to scrub myself clean. I started to rub my skin furiously. I wanted to clean off the entire night’s events. Dane touching me; Grant and Lori being together. I thought if I could scrub it all off, it would go away. My skin was starting to get raw and I was starting to get hysterical. Suddenly there was Samantha, her arms were around me and stopping me.
“Lanie, stop. You’ll hurt yourself. That’s definitely not the proper way to exfoliate, and it won’t make anything go away.”
“Samantha, I just want to wash it away,” I cried. I broke down and grasped onto her. She just held me. I could hear Chelsie and Grant now outside the bathroom door.
“Grant, she doesn’t need you to see her like this.”
“I can’t stand to see her like this. I just want to make it all go away.”
“This is not the time. There isn’t anything you can do for her right now, and you’re a big part of this, too. We’ll take care of her. You should go.”
“Chels, please.”
“Grant, we’ll take it from here. You need to go home. And stay away from Dane’s. Do you hear me? You just stay home until one of us comes to you or calls. Go.” Chelsie’s voice was strong and full of command.
“Chelsie, I can’t …”
Chapter 10
It’s Never Going to be the Same
“… ever be without her again. Not now. Not after things finally started.”
“Grant. I promise. I’ll call you.” Her voice was calm and reassuring.
The door opened and Chelsie came into the bathroom to join us. She wound her arms around me, too, and they both held me as I cried. We stayed like that for quite a while. Eventually, Chelsie got up to leave.
“No, please don’t go.”
“Honey, I’m just going to get something for you to wear. You need to get out of that tub. You’re pruning. Let’s not add insult to injury. Then we’ll talk. I’m also making a pot of tea.” Chelsie was always the voice of reason. Blunt was more like it. She was a no-bullshit kind of gal, and I loved her for that.
I got dressed with a watchful Samantha, who just looked at me with sad eyes. I could tell her heart was reaching out to mine, but my heart was temporarily closed for business. I finished and sat on the edge of the bed.
“Sam, it’s never going to be the same, not ever.” I was feeling pretty weepy, but who could blame me?
Samantha pulled up behind me and put her arms around me, her chin on my shoulder. “No, Honey, not the same. It will be different. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be better different.”
“How can it ever be better? It’s probably over before it even got started.”
“It’s not over. Only if you both decide that’s what you want. Things happen and we grow from it.” I was totally not in the mood for a pep talk.
“Oh screw that, Sam. How are Grant and I ever going to get past this?”
“Enough, Lanie. It’s time to talk.” It was Chelsie with her matter-of-fact attitude, “Downstairs. Let’s go sort this all out.”
We sat at my now clean kitchen table. Chelsie or Grant had returned my kitchen to its sparkly clean state. I was grateful, but said nothing. I didn’t want to think about my burned dinner and ruined night. But that was not going to happen, because the girls wanted a play by play. It was hard to go through it all, really hard. I started from the beginning. I told them about Grant telling me he had to take care of something and seeing Lori and being late for dinner.
“So I went over to see where he was.”
“Deep breath, Baby,” Chelsie said when I faltered in my thoughts and words.
“I caught him with Lori.”
“What?” Samantha was horrified, “No, Grant wouldn’t do that.” I described the scene. I told them how Dane said Grant had called for Lori to come over.
“No, that can’t be. Grant and
I were on the phone, and then the computer for at least an hour or so.” Chelsie was pretty sure of the time frame.
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