CHAPTER LIX
The Heart Hunger
When the flood rushes over the meadow and tears the surface smoothness,it exposes the unmoved rock foundation; when the fire burns down theflimsy woodwork, it shows in double force the unchanged girders ofsteel. Storm and fire in double power and heat had been Jim's lot forweeks and, in less degree, for months. Now there was a breathing spell,a time to stop and look at the things beneath.
It was a little thing that gave Belle the real key to a puzzle. Itoccurred one afternoon in the apartment and Belle saw it from the innerroom. Jim thought he was alone; he did not know she had returned. Hestood before the picture of Blazing Star, and lifting down the bunch ofsage he smelt it a long time, then sighed a little and put it back.Belle saw and understood. The rock foundation was unchanged; he lovedand longed for the things he had always loved, and the experiences ofthese months had but exposed the granite beneath. The thought that hadbeen in her heart since the day he put the ring on her finger, rose upwith appalling strength. "He gave up everything for me. I taught himthat his duty lay through college and then made him give that up forme." She had been quick enough to mark the little turnings of his spirittoward the West when there were times of relaxation or unguardedness.But she had hitherto set them down to a general wish to visit formerscenes rather than to a deep, persistent, fundamental craving.
Many little things which she had noted in him came up before her now,not as accidental fragments, but as surface outcroppings of the deep,continuous, everlasting granite rock, the real longing of his nature;and the strength of its fixity appalled her. As she watched from theouter room on that epochal afternoon, she saw him kneel with his face tothe western sky and pray that the way might be opened, that he yet mightfulfil the vow he made to devote his life to bearing the message of theGospel. "Nevertheless, not my will, but Thine be done."
He sat long facing the glowing West which filled his window and thenrose and walked into the inner room. He was greatly astonished to findBelle there, lying on the bed, apparently asleep. He sat down beside herand took her hand. She opened her eyes slowly as thoughawakening--gentle hypocrite.
"I didn't know you were back," he said. She closed her eyes again asthough they were heavy with sleep. It was a small fraud, but it set hismind at ease, as she meant it should.
After a time, she roused herself and began with enthusiasm: "Oh, Jim, Ihave had such a clear and lovely dream. I thought we were back at CedarMountain, riding again in the sagebrush, with the prairie wind blowingthrough our very souls."
She watched his face eagerly and saw the response she expected. It camein larger measure than she had looked for. "I felt as though I could doanything," she went on, "go anywhere or take any jump; and just as I wasriding full tilt at the Yellowbank Canyon, you took me by the hand andheld me back; then I awoke and you _did_ have my hand. Isn't it queerthe way dreams melt into reality?" She laughed happily and went on as ifhe were opposing the project: "Why not, Jim? You need a holiday; whyshouldn't we go and drink a long deep draught of life in the hills andsage? I know we'll get a clearer vision of life from the top of CedarMountain than we can anywhere else."
"It seems too good to be true," he slowly answered, and his voicetrembled. Less than half an hour ago he had prayed for this and suddenlythe way seemed plain, if not yet open.
The winter and spring had gone, and the summer was dying. In all thistime the Hartigans had carried their daily, hourly burden, without haltor change. Whatever of hardship there was, came in the form of thwartedplans, heart-cravings for things they felt they must give up. Jim madeno mention of his disappointments and, so far as he could, he admittedhis hunger neither to himself nor to Belle. It was merely a matter ofform, applying for a month's leave; this had been agreed on from thebeginning. The largest difficulty was in the fact that they must gotogether--the head and the second head both away at once. But therewere two good understudies ready trained--Skystein and Dr. MaryMudd--with Mr. Hopkins as chairman to balance their powers. Michael Shaytoo, came to offer gruffly and huskily his help: "If I can do anything,like puttin' up cash, or fixin' anybody that's workin' agin you, counton Mike." Then after a pause he added, a little wistfully: "I ain't gotmany real friends, but I want to have them know I'm real, and I know thereal thing when I find it."
A conference was finally held and the management of the Club was turnedover to the chairman and his aides for a month. Jim and Belle were likechildren on leave from boarding school. They packed in wild hilarity andtook the first train the schedule afforded for Cedar Mountain.
The Preacher of Cedar Mountain: A Tale of the Open Country Page 60