by Laney Smith
“Can you come to my . . . Yes! No matter where I go, you can go, too. What kind of question was that? Silly goose. You think I’d trade you for a house? That’s not happening, my friend.”
Rather than calling his broker, Ryan decided to sleep on it and run the idea past Corlay before he acted on anything. After all, it was supposed to be her business. It seemed only fair to include her in the plans for her future. As he stared blankly at the computer screen, he had a million thoughts scrambling around in his mind. What if things didn’t work out with Corlay? What if they did? What if he bought a ten thousand square foot house, and sat in it alone, again? What if he bought the house of his dreams and Corlay and Nathan never felt comfortable there?
Ryan closed the laptop and put the computer away. He stretched out across the bed, alongside Nathan. He nudged his little friend.
“What’re you watching?”
“Cartoons.”
“Is it a good show?”
“Yep,” Nathan absently answered. He had his head propped up on his hands as he stared at the television.
“Am I bothering you?”
“No. Not yet,” Nathan answered. “Are we going somewhere?”
“Well, where do you want to go?”
“Nowhere. I like your room.”
“Are you having fun?”
“If I had my video games, I would have more fun.”
Ryan smiled. “You want to play video games?”
“Yes. Do you have video games?” Nathan asked, shifting his attention to Ryan.
Ryan walked to the armoire in the corner of his room, slid a drawer open and pointed. “You can play any of them you want. But, you see how it all fits in here? You just have to put it all back like this when you’re done.”
“Oh . . . my . . .” Nathan laughed excitedly. “I cannot believe this day!”
Ryan tousled his hair as he smiled at him. “Fire it up. What are you going to play?”
Nathan handed Ryan a controller. “Will you play with me?”
“Let’s do it.”
~THIRTY-TWO~
After a few hours, Ryan and Nathan had grown bored with video games. They had gone outside with Rick following along. Ryan and Rick were standing around talking about the events unfolding in Rick’s world while Nathan played in the same yard the two men had played in when they were kids. The surrealism of it all settled on Ryan in a way that he felt lucky, as though he had found some hidden meaning to life.
Nathan was having a blast. He had become the focal point of both of the men. Rick had lifted him so he could sit on one of the old tree branches in Priest’s front yard. He got treated to a shoulder ride. Then, Rick and Ryan were swinging Nathan by his hands and feet when Ryan’s phone rang. They put Nathan back on his feet and Ryan fished his phone out of his pocket. He flashed his brother a cocky smirk.
“It’s as though she could see what we were up to,” he laughed.
Rick nodded with a smile. “Mom’s just know, huh?”
As Ryan talked to Corlay on the phone, Rick continued entertaining Nathan. The child was laughing so loud, Ryan struggled to hear the voice coming through the speaker. When Corlay asked what Nathan found so amusing, Ryan’s answer started a whole new situation.
“He’s hanging out with Uncle Rick.”
“Uncle Rick? Your uncle?”
“No, my brother, Rick,” Ryan innocently answered.
“So, he’s Uncle Rick?” Corlay asked with a pitch in her tone Ryan didn’t recognize.
“Well, uh, Rick kind of started that.”
“Can you ask him to not do that? Please. I think it’s sweet. But, I didn’t know he would be meeting your family. I would’ve put him in different clothes. I’m not sure . . . is it a good idea to have him calling your brother uncle? I had no idea you were going to introduce him to your brother. What happens if this doesn’t work?”
“It might not,” Ryan flatly answered. “But, regardless of what you and I become, Nathan is in my world. I had the same thoughts you’re having. No matter what, he’s always going to be something special to me. So, I don’t see it as a problem. I will always be here for him, no matter what else happens with the rest of my life.”
“Are you having second thoughts about us?”
“No. I just want you to understand that I’ve already thought about everything you’re worried about. It won’t matter what happens between us. This kid will have people he can count on.”
“I’m thankful for that,” she spouted with a hint of sarcasm. “Obviously, I’ve done a shitty job of that, so far. Thank goodness you were able to come in and save the day for him.”
“Nope. That’s not what I meant.”
“Do I mean anything to you? Or am I just Nathan’s mom . . . someone you have to tolerate to spend time with him?”
“Can you cut me a break for a minute? I’m a little tired and I think things are coming out all wrong,” Ryan offered. “OK. If you don’t want him to call my brother Uncle Rick, I’ll put a stop to it. But, just so you know, they’re pretty good buddies. They’re both having fun and there is nothing bad coming. I promise. Relax. I never meant what I said to upset you or offend you.”
“But, you can’t say that you’re not in this just for Nathan, can you?”
“I’m dragging ass today. Nathan didn’t get anything out of the time we shared last night.”
“True. I guess I’m an added benefit. Thanks. Now, I understand,” she countered.
“Are you serious? You need to go back to bed. I don’t think you got your nap out.”
“It just hit me. I’m trying to believe that I’m something special to you. I’m just an accessory. You love Nathan and I can see that. I’m happy he has you. But, you don’t have to be stuck with me just because I’m his mom.”
“We’re leaving here now. We’ll be at your place in about fifteen minutes,” he said as though she had never said anything.
“So, is that it?”
“Yeah,” he scoffed. “You might want to enjoy it while it lasts. Because in about fifteen minutes, I’m going to set you straight. Oh, and, honey, you might want to have your big girl pants on. You came at me, so remember that.”
“I don’t want to fight with you.”
“You know what’s funny? You’re constantly worried about having to fight. You’re the only one fighting. So, stop fighting all the damn time. If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it. We’ll see you in fifteen minutes.”
Ryan hung up his phone, watching Rick and Nathan for a minute. His mind raced, trying to figure out if there was any validity to what Corlay was suggesting. Without a doubt, he loved Nathan. He had bonded with the boy in a way he had never bonded with anyone . . . ever. Nathan made him feel as though he had a purpose. He wanted to be a better person so he could teach Nathan how to be a good person, too. He wanted Corlay to work in a nursery so she could be with her son more. He wanted her to have an opportunity to show him that she wanted to be a good mom to the kid. Nathan was his primary thought and motivation for a lot of the things he was doing. However, he really wasn’t the only motivation inspiring Ryan.
Ryan thought about the times he was away from her and couldn’t wait to be near her, again. He thought about the way she smelled and the sassiness she possessed. He thought about her ambition and the way her passion made him believe in her dreams. He adored the stubborn pride that made her so resistant to anything he tried to do to help her. It didn’t matter what she did or what she said, he still thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world. She made him feel as though he could be himself, no shows – no pretenses. He had never felt anything like what he felt with her. He shook his head.
“Hey, Nate. You ready to beat feet? Your mom is looking for us,” Ryan said. He looked at his brother and smiled. “Sorry, Uncle Rick. Playtime is over.”
Rick returned the smile. “You coming back? Or are you staying over there?”
“Are you my keeper, now?”
“No. I jus
t want to play some Madden,” Rick confessed with a smirk.
“Oh, yeah. I don’t care. I don’t ever turn that thing on, unless I’m playing with Nate. So, take it.”
“I just may borrow it, then. Then, I don’t have to worry about shutting it off if you come dragging in, looking for a place to crash.”
Nathan listened to the exchange. “Did you give it to him?”
“No. When you have a brother, you have to share your toys, even when you’re grown up.”
“Uncle Rick, when I come back, can you give it back?”
Rick chuckled. “Yeah! I’m just going to borrow it for a little bit.”
Nathan sighed and shrugged his shoulders discontentedly. “OK, then. You can borrow it but just for a little bit, OK?”
“Yes, sir!” Rick agreed.
Rick and Ryan looked at each other and laughed, amused by the boy’s feistiness. Rick smacked his brother’s arm as Ryan and Nathan started toward the car. Rick couldn’t help but feel happy for his brother as he watched Nathan fit his hand into Ryan’s. The way the child looked up to his little brother as they walked side-by-side touched Rick’s heart. He felt proud of his brother, recognizing the fatherly bond Ryan shared with Nathan. Rick also felt envious, wishing for a son of his own.
****
After the Camaro pulled into the driveway, Ryan and Nathan got out and started toward the house. Ryan knew there was an open issue waiting inside the house for him. He was so tired, he felt as though he was going to drop at any second. He assured himself this was the last thing he had to do before he could sleep. He absently agreed with whatever Nathan was chattering about as they stepped inside the house.
Corlay smiled as she hugged Nathan. “Hey, mister! I missed you.”
“Mom, you should see Ryan’s room. He has so many video game systems. Uncle Rick is borrowing one. But, I told him he has to give it back.”
Corlay’s eyes glanced at Ryan with a look of warning. Ryan threw his hands out to the side and shrugged. Then, Nathan told her about the cookies and milk.
“Nana is really nice and she makes the best cookies in the whole world, huh, Ryan?”
“Well, they’re the best cookies I’ve ever eaten. I haven’t tried every person’s cookies. They are pretty good, though,” he said, hoping to escape any extra heaps of trouble.
Again, Corlay flashed Ryan a look of contempt. Ryan smirked, trying to fight the smile, creeping across his face. Again, he shrugged as his eyes locked on hers.
“You got the right pants on?” he asked as he stepped toward her.
“Nathan, can you go to your room for a little bit so I can talk to Ryan?”
“It’s not going to change anything to send him away.”
“I don’t want him hearing us argue.”
“Here you go, again,” Ryan said. He slid his arm around her shoulder, pulling her to him and kissing the top of her head. “Not everybody wants to fight you.”
“You’re the one suggesting I wear my big girl pants,” she mocked defensively, and stepped away from his embrace.
Nathan was halfway up the stairs when he looked back at his mom and Ryan. “How long are you going to argue?”
“We’re not going to argue,” Ryan insisted as he stared into Corlay’s eyes.
“Well, how long do I have to stay in my room?”
“Just for a minute so I can talk to Ryan.”
“Ryan, if you need any help, just call me, OK?” Nathan offered.
Ryan chuckled, drawing a scathing glare from Corlay. Again, he shrugged.
“What do you want me to do?” he chuckled. “You want to fight, argue, and overthrow the world. I just want to hold you and go to sleep.”
“I seriously can’t believe you would do that.”
“Do what? What did I do?” he smiled.
“This isn’t a game. This isn’t one of your little bets. This a child.”
“Bets? What are you talking about?”
“You’re gambling on our future.”
“What?” Ryan scoffed.
“You’re taking a risk. You’re exposing Nathan to people that may not be there.”
“They’ll be there. What are you talking about?”
“You’re acting like he’s your kid. He’s not. You’re playing with his happiness and I don’t know that that is such a good idea.”
“Corlay, people come and go in life all the time. We all take risks. We do it anytime we get involved with each other. We risk our feelings, hoping the other person will return compassion and love. It’s life. Look at me. The risk is double for me. I’m not scared. What do you have to lose?”
“You don’t have kids. You don’t understand how attached they get to people. You don’t understand what it’s like explaining to them why their family can walk off and leave them as though they never existed at all. You’re dragging Nathan around, introducing him to your family. In his eyes, he’s building a new family. If you bail out, I’m left to explain it all, all over again. What do I have to lose? Let me tell you…”
“No!” Ryan sighed. “I get your issue. I understand.”
“So, what does that mean?”
“That means I understand. I hear what you’re saying. And, I’m just getting more and more pissed off by the second. I probably need to sleep before we finish this conversation. I’m not in the right frame of mind for this discussion.”
“Why are you pissed off?”
“Because it hurts like hell to hear you tell me I don’t have kids. It hurts like hell to hear you tell me I don’t understand. I have to accept that I’m just the babysitter and that’s all I’m ever going to be. I’m not Nathan’s dad. He reminds me. You remind me. I don’t know how I could’ve forgotten. I did let him start a relationship with my family. I loved hearing him refer to my brother as ‘Uncle Rick.’ It was good for me to get to hear my mother treat him the same way she treats her other grandkids. He called her Nana and I loved that, too. I’m sorry. I got tangled up in worrying about how my family would receive the two of you. I completely forgot about how the two of you receive me. I forgot that I’m just the babysitter. I think I was pretending. I was pretending that even though I’m not Nathan’s biological father, I could still be his dad. What kind of lunatic does that, huh? There’s no way I’m ever gonna be his dad, because neither of you will let that happen. And, I don’t know, anymore. Maybe I don’t want to be,” Ryan said as his lip quivered.
“You are my dad, Ryan,” he heard Nathan’s voice crying from the stairs.
Ryan’s heart stopped and he clenched his eyes shut as though he would wake up from a dream when he opened them, again. He heard the sound of Nathan’s feet skittering across the floor behind him. Then, he felt the boy latch on to him. It was too late. Now, Nathan was sniffling and crying.
“I want you to be my dad, Ryan. I really do. Please.”
Angry with himself, Ryan slowly shook his head apologetically as he stared at Corlay. He scooped Nathan up and pulled out the best buddy routine. He held the boy in his arms and wiped away his tears. He smiled at Nathan and shook his head.
“Hey!” Ryan choked back the lump in his throat. “What’s all of this. You’re my best friend in the whole world. Don’t be sad.”
“But, you don’t want to be my dad, now?” Nathan cried.
Ryan thought for a second as he stared at the reflection of his own broken heart in Nathan’s tears. “We have a long time, buddy. It doesn’t matter what we call each other. I love you and I’m going to be here for whatever you need, forever and always. OK?”
“Why don’t you want to be my dad, though?”
Ryan sighed and he smiled. “Do you know that you mean everything in this world to me?”
Nathan shook his head.
“Well, you do. Remember that day at the park when I told you that I don’t know what I’m doing, but that I’m trying to figure it out?”
Nathan nodded his head.
“Yeah? Well, I’m going to mess up sometimes.
I was talking to your mom and I was feeling sad. So, I was acting like a pouty, little cry baby.”
Nathan giggled and wiped the tears from his eyes as he stared at Ryan.
“Are you laughing at me?” Ryan teased as he tickled the boy.
The boy laughed, his body flailing around as he wiggled and squirmed in Ryan’s arms.
“Stop! Stop! Stop . . . it!” Nathan barked.
He threw his arms around Ryan’s neck, hugging him as he rested his head on Ryan’s shoulder. “I don’t want you to ever say that again,” he said.
“I won’t,” Ryan promised. “I’m really sorry I upset you. I didn’t mean it like you heard it. I wasn’t thinking and I said the wrong thing, OK?”
“Why are you sad, anyway?” Nathan asked.
“Because I’m tired and I’m cranky. I need to take a nap so I won’t be a grouch.”
“Do you want me to get you a blanket? You can take a nap here at my house,” Nathan insisted.
Ryan sighed. “Let me talk to your mom for a few minutes and see if she would mind if I have a nap. Will you let me talk to her?”
Nathan smiled and whispered. “I’m going to make you a bed on the couch. I will sit by you and watch TV while you take a nap.”
“You think so, huh?”
“I love you, Ryan.”
“I love you, too, buddy.”
When Ryan put Nathan down, the boy zipped over to the stairs, climbing them as fast as his little legs would carry him. It was obvious he was on a mission. Ryan covered his mouth and turned to Corlay.
“Make the call. I’m not putting any of us through any of this, anymore. We’re either doing this, together or I’m just the babysitter,” Ryan asserted.
“I just wanted you to give me some sense of security that we’re not getting attached to someone with one foot out the door.”
Ryan pressed his lips together as he tilted his head. “Sweetheart, were you upstairs with me, last night?”
“Ryan, anyone can have sex.”
“And, I told you I wasn’t just having sex with you. I could count on one hand, with four fingers left over, how many times I’ve made love to someone,” he said and arched his eyebrows. “I told you I love you. I could count on one hand, with four fingers left over, how many times I’ve done that, too.” He smiled and ducked his head. “I lied. Three fingers left over, if you count Jenny McGregor in third grade. But, I really don’t think she should count.”