I felt the wind knock out of me like I had been punched in the stomach. "Maybe it was an accident. Accidents happen. That doesn't make her a bad person," I said carefully.
"No, it makes her stupid. She wasn't even sure it was Jimmy until he told her it was. She got so trashed at a party that she was flinging herself at anything with a dick. This isn't the first time she couldn't remember who she was with. I can't stand girls like her," he said with a grimace. "I could never be with someone like that."
I glanced back at him and wanted to run. His handsome face held such contempt and disgust. I felt the floor fall out from beneath me. If he knew what I had done...
"I'm glad you're not like that, Holly." He made a disgusted noise. He turned back toward me, sudden concern in his voice. "You all right? You look a little pale."
"I'm fine. I just don't feel very well. I think my lunch isn't agreeing with me," I lied as I kept putting cans up on the shelf, trying to keep my hands steady.
"I'm sorry. Can I do anything?" he asked, putting his hands on my hips. I felt disgusted with myself, unworthy of his touch.
"No, I think I just need a nap, maybe some fluids or something," I said. I couldn't look at him. If that was what he thought of sweet Louise, what would he think of me if he knew my secret?
"Do you want me to go get your manager? I mean, you don't look good at all," Andrew said, his face full of concern. "You look like you might hurl at any second."
"Yeah, I think I should just go home," I said quickly. He nodded and went to find my manager. I walked slowly to the break room, my guts twisting up inside of me. I had wanted to tell Andrew everything, but I couldn't tell him now. I couldn't tell him why I was back in Conifer without losing him.
"He says you can go on home. Do you want me to drive you?" Andrew asked as I came out with my coat. I shook my head and smiled half-heartedly.
"I'll be fine. I'll see you later, though, okay?" I didn't wait for him to answer as I headed to the door, passing Louise on my way out. She smiled at me, her eyes sad with a defeat she didn't know we shared.
***
I lay in bed, Shadow sleeping at my feet, and my stomach rolling. Andrew had texted me twice to make sure I had gotten home and to see if I needed anything. I needed a new me. I needed my past to change or at least a way to forget it. I closed my eyes, the last year of my life haunting me.
I woke up, the room unfamiliar. My stomach felt awful and my head buzzed like it was full of bees. A masculine arm lay draped across my stomach, the owner snoring softly into his pillow. I didn't remember his name, but it didn't matter. He had bought me the drinks, and I seemed to remember thinking he was cute. But that could have been the guy two nights ago.
I carefully slipped out from under his arm, moving slowly, more to keep my stomach contents down than fear of waking him. His place was a mess—dirty underwear, empty bowls, pizza boxes, and beer cans littered the floor. I found my skirt tossed in a corner, a dark stain on the hem. Were we drinking red wine? I couldn't remember, but I slid the skirt on anyway and searched for the rest of my clothes.
I found most of them, grabbed my purse and my phone and snuck out of the room. I saw a bathroom at the end of the hall, and hurried toward it as my bladder was about to explode. The bathroom was worse than the bedroom. I contemplated taking pictures to bring to my biology professor so he could identify a new species of mold.
Biology. The biology test was today. Shit.
I looked down at my watch and felt dread settle in the pit of my stomach like molten lead. The test was at nine. It was already past ten. I was going to fail biology. I had never failed a class in my life.
My first year of college, I started out like every innocent freshman, eager and ready to learn. My first semester, I was a good student. How I wished I could have just stayed that way. I found I loved the freedom that being on my own gave me. It didn't take long for me to realize that I could skip a class here and there and still pass. I slowly stopped going to class, finding that going out was more fun than studying.
Everything felt good. The world was spinning and he was kissing me. It was nice to be kissed. No one had ever kissed me like this. I took another sip, the golden liquid searing through me and giving me courage. I let my inhibitions go, the world mine to experience.
If I had just stopped there, it would have been all right. But I didn't. One party led to another and to another. I felt free. I could do no wrong. Freshman year ended, and I still made all A's and B's. I only felt a small twinge of guilt at the B's, but I still had my scholarship. I felt like I was balancing work and play, the adult world opening up to me.
I walked back to my dorm room, ignoring the stares as I headed down the hall. The small square bedroom I shared was empty and I was grateful. I stripped down, throwing my clothes in a hamper in the corner of the room by my bed and wrapping my robe around me. I just wanted to get clean. To get the stench of alcohol and smoke out of my hair and skin. I didn't think it was supposed to be like this.
They say that a girl's first time should be special. They say that it should be full of love and tenderness. My first time was with a boy who was too drunk to remember my name in the bathroom of a frat house. It wasn't special, but it was a first.
I don't remember the names of all of them. Sometimes I spent the night, sometimes I didn't. My roommate got used to me not being around. My grades started slipping. I missed classes, then quizzes, and then tests. I had never failed anything in my life, but now I was barely passing half my classes. The only time I felt better was when I drank. That's when I met Bobby.
Bobby Wilcox was gorgeous. Tall, blonde, and handsome, he had girls swooning over him as soon as they saw him. I was no different. I met him at a party and couldn't get enough. He told me he loved me. I believed him and, for a time, believed that we would live happily ever after.
We were happy for a while. I had called Andrew singing Bobby's praises at first. He was handsome, he was rich, he was good to me. I stopped calling Andrew when things started going bad. I never told anyone the things Bobby called me. I thought I deserved them. I would have done anything for his praise.
"That's it, you little whore, that's a good girl," he had said, smearing the tears on my cheek. I stood on shaky legs. I knew love wasn't supposed to be like this, but Bobby would never hurt me. He loved me. "Now, who's next?" he called out to his friends as he offered me up to them. If this would make him happy, I would do it. He was the only one who really loved me. He told me that all the time.
He convinced me to do things that I'm not proud of. He convinced me I was worthless and that only he could love me. I believed him. I trusted him. I didn't know it then, but I had lost myself to him completely.
I felt dizzy. I hadn't been eating, and now I struggled to keep down what little I did eat. Something was wrong with me. Then it hit me. I hadn't had my period this month. I was two weeks late. I sat down and started to cry. I looked at my life and wondered how I had ended up here. I knew I was smarter than this. I hadn't been raised this way; I knew better than to put myself in bad situations. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't even one hundred percent sure who the father was. I told Bobby that I was late. He laughed and told me to "get it fixed." I hit him, but he just kept laughing, calling me names.
I skipped the rest of my classes that week. I missed tests. I couldn't concentrate. It felt like someone else was living my life; I was just an observer watching a troubled girl spiral out of control. I stopped drinking. I stopped going to the parties. No one missed me. None of my so-called friends ever checked up on me.
After a week of crying and being alone, I called the only person I knew would come and protect me from the world.
"Luke, I'm in trouble."
Luke was there in less than an hour. I wondered how much he had sped to get here that fast. I wished I would have called him months ago. I told him everything, and he just held me and let me cry. For the first time in months, I felt like someone actually cared. He threatened to
beat Bobby up, but I knew it wouldn't do any good, though the idea at least made me smile.
Luke walked me to the grocery store down the street and I bought a pregnancy test. The pimply-faced clerk eyed me judgmentally as I counted out my change. We walked the stadium three times before I got the courage to go into a campus bathroom. Luke promised me that no matter what the result was, he was there for me. I didn't have to do this alone. He held my hand while I waited to see my future. I knew something was going to have to change. It was the longest three minutes of my life.
It came back negative.
I failed every class that semester. I lost my scholarship. I lost everything I had worked for. I had lost myself. I had no idea who I was anymore. What would have happened if it had been positive? What would I have done? Could I have gone home, to my dad, to my friends, carrying a child? What would I have done for money? Would I have kept the baby, or given it up for adoption? How could I have been so blind? How could I have thought that what Bobby did to me was love? Why would someone treat me like that? What kind of person was I to get in this situation in the first place? There were so many questions that I didn't know the answers to, questions I shouldn't have needed to ask in the first place.
I needed to find my way again, so I came home to start from the beginning. Luke never said a word to anyone. He let me tell everyone that college was harder than I had expected and I didn't want to do it anymore. Andrew accepted it easily, welcoming me home with open arms.
My dad never asked for more either, but I knew he suspected something. He had helped me unpack into my old room, watching me with sad eyes. I spent the first week home in shame, seeing accusation in everyone's eyes. Everywhere I went all I could see was other people's pity. At least they only thought I couldn't hack it at college. I preferred that to them knowing how poorly I had chosen my path.
I was no better than Louise. I saw the way Andrew looked at her, heard the disgust in his voice at her decisions. I was the same as Louise. I had almost been in her shoes, almost had that life. One party too many, one drink too many, one guy too many. One mistake too many. I couldn't lose Andrew, the one person who still believed in me, who didn't see me as a complete failure. Andrew saw the potential in me. The idea that he would look at me the way he looked at Louise scared me worse than anything.
I couldn't tell him. I would keep my dirty secret to myself. If he didn't know, he couldn't be disappointed in me. I could feel secrets beginning to pile up around me, but if I told him, he would never speak to me again. And that was worse than anything I could imagine.
Chapter 11
A dragon's maw of heat and flame raged down the hillside, winding across the forest in search of sustenance. Flames wound around ancient trees like long lost lovers searching for release. The fire engulfed it all, never satisfied, never satiated, never finding peace.
***
I stepped out of my car, careful not to trip on my heels. Since Andrew was taking the time to cook me dinner, I decided I would surprise him and dress up. I had on my favorite black dress with a flared skirt and short purple heels. I even curled my hair and put makeup on. I had put his reaction at the grocery store out of my mind. If I never brought it up, it was never going to come up. Besides, I told myself, Andrew would never do that to me. I was nearly to the door when Andrew opened it wearing his mother's apron.
"You look amazing," he said appreciatively as I walked through the door. I could feel him eyeing me up and down. I did a little turn, posing like a model at the end. He laughed and clapped his hands.
"So, Chef Andrew, what can I do to help?" I asked, sliding out of my shoes and setting them by the door.
"You can come and sit down. I have everything ready," he said as he pulled me toward the dining. He had the table set with candles and flowers. Soft classical music was playing in the background. "You like it?"
I kissed his cheek. The nervous look on his face was adorable. "It's perfect. Probably the prettiest table I have ever seen." He grinned and pulled out a chair. I sat down and he hurried to the kitchen.
"I hope you're hungry. The recipe feeds four, and then I made dessert too," he said sheepishly as he brought out a heaping plate.
"Smells delicious! What is it?" I breathed in the scent of Italian spices, and my mouth started to water.
"Pan-seared scallops with pesto and heirloom tomatoes," he said proudly. He took off the apron, smoothing his dress shirt before sitting down. He looked incredibly handsome. "I hope you like it."
"Mmmm," I moaned, taking a bite. It was delicious. "You made this? It's amazing!"
"Thanks." He grinned, then took a bite himself. "I'm getting better at this."
"Oh, so you have done this before. I feel so special," I teased.
"Yup. You know me and all my girlfriends," he replied sarcastically. I did know all his girlfriends. He knew I didn't date much in high school, and he thought that I had only been with Bobby. I cringed inwardly at the memory of me giggling on the phone to Andrew about how wonderful Bobby was. I had been so naive.
"So, you seeing anyone new, then?" I asked playfully.
"Well, there is this one girl. I've kind of had a crush on her for a long time, but I don't want to go too fast." He smiled shyly at me over his plate.
"A crush, huh?"
"She kissed me once. I've wanted to kiss her every day since then." Andrew looked directly at me, his eyes like blue flames drawing me in.
"Really?" I could barely breathe, my heart pounding in my chest. Andrew nodded slowly, his eyes never leaving mine. A smile blossomed across my face.
As if the moment was becoming a little too intense, he changed the subject. "But enough about my crush; I've been cooking all day and I'm starving. Let's eat!"
I smiled, and we talked about mundane things while we ate. Work, family, the weather. He told me all about how a bunch of people had come in looking for items to reduce the fire danger around the town. I had noticed the same at the grocery store. Every time we ran out of things to talk about, I seemed to be drawn to his eyes. We sat in a comfortable silence for minutes at a time.
Finally, the subject of our friends had come up. "I just don't know what to do," I said. "We promised."
"I don't know what to do either, but it's a bad situation for me either way," he said.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
Andrew set down his fork and came around the table, kneeling by my chair and taking my hand in his.
"Holly, I've loved you for as long as I've known you. I gave you my heart when I gave you those crayons in kindergarten." His voice faltered for a moment, his eyes capturing me completely. "The vow we made all those years ago has been the hardest promise I've ever had to keep. I meant to tell you after dinner, but I can't wait. I love you, Holly."
My eyes brimmed with tears, and my heart was so full I was sure it was going to burst. I kissed him, every nerve of my body tingling with joy. His lips pressed against mine, his arms wrapping around me, pulling me closer.
I moved like it was a reflex, standing with him. He held my hand as we walked to his bedroom. The familiar blue sheets of his bed were there, neatly tucked in. He seemed to have straightened up his room, as if he had been embarrassed by it the last time I had been here. I laughed to myself, realizing he must have known we would end up here.
My feet flew up in the air as I fell onto the bed, carefree and ready for anything. I smiled at him, my top lip over my bottom lip in an innocent grin. I laid there, bent at the knees, my dress riding up. Had he wanted to, he could have taken a peak at the little black thong I had put on, but he was a gentleman. Maybe he already knew he had me...
He ran his fingertips up my legs, sending a shiver of delight through my body. My mind raced back to the make out session on the couch, the hair washing, and I knew that tonight was the night. Everything was perfect. I spread my legs open, exposing myself for him to see.
His eyes looked at the thong, the only item of clothing between him and my sex. Then, his ey
es flicked up to me. I saw that he was sharing the same thought I was. Neither of us would be able to hold back.
He laid on top of me, and we began to kiss. The kisses were deep, hungry. The lust between us was immeasurable. His hands were all over my body, and he pulled the dress down off my shoulders. I couldn't wear a bra with it, so my breasts were exposed immediately. He took one in his hand while flicking his tongue against the nipple of the other. I writhed underneath him.
I tried to undo the buttons of his shirt, but I was at an awkward angle. He knelt over my legs, and I could see how hard he was already. He unfastened his buttons and took off his shirt, throwing it to the floor before moving again to devour my bosom.
"Wait. Wait!" I cried out, and he jumped off me, as if scared that I was about to put the brakes on. I pulled the dress up and over my head, throwing it on the floor as well. "That dress cost me $39 on sale at Macy's. I don't want to mess it up too badly."
He grinned. Now that he was off me, he grabbed my feet in his hands. He kissed each of my toes tenderly. Normally, I don't like my feet touched, but the way he did it wasn't gross at all. He kissed up my ankles, my calves, savoring every taste of my skin. He kissed up my leg, and I leaned back and closed my eyes.
As he passed my knee, I knew that he had no intention of stopping. He got down on his knees and pulled me to the edge of the bed, putting my legs up on his shoulders. He kissed up my legs, pausing for a moment at my panties. As if remembering the fact that I had stopped him there before, his tongue traveled around the lines of my thong as he waited for a rejection.
I didn't stop him this time. In fact, I relaxed, spreading my legs a little further for him. He took the hint, moving up to my special spot. Pleasure flooded through my body, as a little moan escaped my lips. I tangled my fingers through his hair, and that seemed to drive him wild. He began to pull down the thong, and I lifted my hips to assist him.
Burned (New Adult Romance) Page 9