He came over and leaned his forearms on the island. “If I’m going to be with someone, even when you’re not here, I won’t bring them here. I like having my space, and letting some random person know where to find me isn’t part of that. But I have a best friend who also works at the rescue, and sometimes, though not often, we’ll get together to watch a movie. That’s what I’m asking about.”
That made me feel better. I would be worried enough about him when I wasn’t around. I wouldn’t want to be questioning whether or not someone had treated him badly in my own house when I wasn’t there.
“That’s fine. But not while I’m home. Is that acceptable for you?”
“Of course.” He shrugged. “This is your house. No reason you should have to put up with my friend when you’re here trying to relax.”
I smiled at him and was glad that he understood. I wanted my space as well. Living with a roommate was going to be an adjustment for us both. “What is your friend’s name?”
“Mason.”
I chuckled and got up to clean up my dishes. “Grayson and Mason. That doesn’t leave you confused at all?”
Eli grinned. “Not at all. You see, Mason is twenty-one, short, skinny, and really naive. Like he’s young, but he acts really young too. Sometimes I worry about just how new to the world he seems. And he hasn’t come out to his parents yet. He’s saving up money so that he can do it when he’s already moved out. In case they throw a shit fit about him being gay.”
“That’s quite reasonable. Was waiting until he was in a better place and more independent his idea or yours?”
“Mine.”
Eli’s admission brought up a whole host of new questions that I wanted to ask him, but I also didn’t want to pry or give him reason to leave my house, where I knew he was safe. He hadn’t even removed his shoes. I didn’t care if he brought dirt into the house, especially since I expected him to sweep the floors occasionally as part of keeping the house clean. But since he had his shoes on still, I had the impression that he was looking to run out of my front door even as he walked past me and went to go sit on my couch in the living room.
“What do you like to watch?” he called back.
“Anything you want. I need to leave early for my flight in the morning, so I won’t be up too much later as it is, so if you find something, feel free to watch it. Would you like another glass of wine?” I poured myself another. I knew he’d washed his glass out already, but he could use another one if he wanted to.
Eli found a monster movie to watch. I was surprised that it was in black and white. Certainly there was a more recent Frankenstein adaptation that he would have enjoyed more.
“I like classic horror movies,” he said as he kicked off his shoes, leaving himself in just his socked feet, which he pulled up under him.
I would not have expected that from him, and I realized I didn’t know much about him at all actually. “What kind of music do you like, then?”
He briefly glanced at me before looking back at the screen. “Eighties rock ballads with the hair.”
That was another surprise. I’d expected something far more recent. “Who turned you on to that kind of music? It’s….” I wanted a word that wouldn’t offend him but would still show my surprise at his choice. “Unusual for someone your age to prefer music that was around before you were born.”
This time he seemed to be doing his best not to look at me as he leaned forward and rounded his shoulders a bit. “My dad.”
Well, that was nice. I did want to know more about him, and this was a good direction to be going on. “Are you still close?”
He sighed heavily. “We never really were. He used to share all of his old records with me before he died. After, I just kept listening to them. But he died when I was seven, so I never really got to know him.”
I reached over to him and was surprised when he jerked away from my brief touch against his shoulder, though I might have caused him some pain. “I’m sorry to hear that. Do you want to talk about him or how he died?”
Eli shook his head, but he did tell me anyway. The words were harsh, like they were being pulled out of him against his will. Like he didn’t want to tell me anything more about his family or his past but he felt like he didn’t have a choice in it either.
“He killed himself by overdosing. My mom remarried. I don’t get along with her or her husband at all.” He turned his head toward me, and I was taken aback at the sheer pain in his perfectly clear gaze. “Do you need me to keep answering your questions to stay with you tonight, or can I stop now?”
“Oh, Eli.” I pulled him into my arms and against my chest. I’d never held him like that before, and now I wondered why I hadn’t. Had we really never been like this before? Had I been keeping him at a distance just as he’d been doing to me? “You don’t have to do anything but clean up after yourself to stay here with me. I don’t expect anything more than that from you.” He lay against my chest and quietly sat there half next to me and half on my lap for the rest of the movie.
It ended far too soon for my liking, and by the end of it, I’d only had him in my arms for perhaps half an hour. If that. But as soon as it was done, he got up from the couch. “I’d like to go upstairs now. And unpack. And get ready for bed.”
It took me far longer than it should have to realize that he was asking me for my permission to be excused. “Eli, please treat this house as yours too. You’re my roommate. Nothing more or less. I don’t need to give you permission to go, and if you don’t want to hang out with me some nights, that’s perfectly acceptable too. We can get you a TV for your room so you can watch your own shows or movies if you want time alone. Okay?”
He nodded and, without saying anything else to me, headed upstairs. I sighed and leaned back against the couch. I hadn’t expected everything to be fine on the first night. We were getting to know each other still, after all. But had I expected to hurt him? Not at all. Of course not. And I deeply regretted that.
I stayed downstairs and watched the follow-up movie to the Frankenstein one while I listened to him getting his things put away. He’d left the door partially open, but I couldn’t see him from the angle I was at. So I watched the Dracula remake, which was far more recent than the Frankenstein one had been, but my attention was divided between the movie and listening to Eli.
It was a strange feeling, but I liked having him in my house. It seemed as if he belonged in my space, even after only a few hours of him being there, and I felt comfortable with him living there while I would be out of the state on business. I hoped that over the next three days when I wouldn’t be at home, he’d start to feel more comfortable in my house as well. Because right now he clearly wasn’t.
It was late when I headed upstairs. I’d half watched the entire Dracula movie, and counted it as one of the worst recreations of the old classic that I’d ever been subjected to. I had wanted to go upstairs to see if Eli needed any help, but I had also wanted to stay out of his way and give him some space if he needed it. I didn’t want to intrude on his personal space and give him the impression that I wouldn’t be leaving him alone at all while he was living with me. He was my roommate now, and I wanted to treat him like that and not as my lover as he had been for the past few months. The dynamics of our relationship had changed, but that didn’t mean that my respect for him had, and above all I still wanted him to be happy.
I went upstairs and hesitated on the landing between our bedrooms with the bathroom in front of me. He had some soft music playing. It might have been one of the long love ballads from the eighties, but I didn’t know enough about that kind of music to be able to tell the difference. It sounded soft and beautiful, though. I wanted to say something to him. I should have. But I wasn’t sure what.
And while I was trying to come up with something to say to him, he came out of his bedroom with only a pair of loose shorts hanging around his hips, his toothbrush and toothpaste in his hand. He looked surprised to see me as he stood there in his bedroom doo
rway, and we stared at each other for a few seconds.
“Um. Hi,” he began.
I recovered. A bit. “I wanted to say good night. I’ll try not to wake you when I leave early tomorrow morning.”
Eli leaned against the doorframe. “If you do, I’ll probably be able to go right back to sleep.” He hesitated, then stepped forward a bit until he was next to me. I held perfectly still as he kissed my cheek. “Thanks for letting me spend the night.”
I watched him head into the bathroom, probably to finish getting ready for bed. “You’re welcome here anytime. I like knowing that you’re here and that no one is hurting you.”
He smiled at me over his shoulder. “I do too.” Then he closed the bathroom door, and I went into my room. I used the bathroom after him, and an hour later I was in my bed, alone, while I thought about Eli sleeping just down the hall from me.
Chapter Nine
Eli
GRAYSON WAS gone by the time I woke up the next morning. If he had managed to disturb my sleep while getting ready sometime before I got up close to nine, I hadn’t noticed. Either that or I didn’t wake up that much, because I didn’t remember him leaving at all. He must have made some noise, though, and it did bother me that I hadn’t been disturbed. Normally I really didn’t sleep that well in new places. But Grayson’s spare bed was soft, and once my mind had settled down, I hadn’t had any trouble getting to sleep. I found the spare key he’d left for me on the island, and I had a glass of milk while I twirled it between my fingers.
We were roommates, I reminded myself. Not boyfriends. We weren’t dating. But I was living with him. And, most importantly, I still had my independence. I tried to tell myself this arrangement didn’t come with strings. I didn’t believe that for a second, despite what Grayson had said to me the day before. But I knew that, if it did come down to it and he demanded sex from me like Brent had, Grayson had been given plenty of opportunities to hurt me, and he never had. He’d never shown even a hint of the aggression that Brent had so quickly jumped on. I’d still feel like a whore if Grayson asked me for that, but at least I wouldn’t be a bloody, broken whore whose face was smashed up and whose whole body hurt, like I was right now because of Brent.
But since I was living with Grayson now, it would mean that, if it came to me trading my body for a place to live again that Grayson would have access to me whenever he was in town. He’d said that it wouldn’t be all that often, but right now Brent only used me a few times a week. I didn’t know if I could handle having Grayson around all day for multiple days in a row and demanding that I be with him anytime during that period. It took me so long to recover from being with Brent to the point where I was no longer shaking, and I needed that time to myself for my own sanity. If Grayson demanded that, I wouldn’t get time away. And what about work? I still had to work. And my schedule couldn’t be put around his.
And…. And…. And…. My mind was circling with possibilities, and I was starting to forget how to breathe properly.
I was getting ahead of myself, and I needed to get my racing thoughts under control. Grayson had said that being in his house meant that I didn’t have to give him sex, and I would go with that until things changed. And when they did, because I fully expected Grayson to go back on his word to me like every other guy always did, then I’d deal with it then, and hopefully I’d have enough money saved up by then to be able to tell both he and Brent to fuck off and die.
First, though, I needed breakfast, which Grayson was sorely lacking in. He had some milk, which was almost expired and I’d already had some of. But after that there was nothing. He didn’t even have any cookies for me to pretend were breakfast. I knew from the other times I’d been in Thornwood that there was a diner in town. It was really the only place to eat, and I’d driven past it the night before. They had to have something breakfast-like at Rosie’s. I could get an omelet if nothing else.
I got showered and walked down the hill from Grayson’s house to the diner. I could see it from the front porch, all shiny metal and a neon flashing sign, like we were in the fifties. That didn’t bother me. Instead it made me hope that they had milkshakes. The good old-fashioned kind that were full of ice cream and real syrup instead of fake cheap stuff. I stuffed my hands into my pockets and turned onto the road to get to the diner. I had to pass the grocery store on the way there, and I decided to stop by before I went back to Grayson’s house. But that would be after I got some breakfast into me.
Thornwood was tiny, like the kind of place that really had no business even calling itself a town because it was so small. I doubted it existed on any map. And I couldn’t believe I was living there, even temporarily, because Trent lived there. It wasn’t as if I hated him, and I’d even been to his boyfriend’s place a few times to do follow-up yearly visits to make sure the horses Caleb adopted from the sanctuary were still doing okay. That was protocol. But it was hard not to be annoyed just being there because I knew how close he was at any given moment. I didn’t hate him and I didn’t love him. And when I wasn’t in Thornwood, I really didn’t think about it.
But seeing him there at the counter when I came in, surrounded by other cops, all of them in uniform, annoyed me for some reason. And my scowl didn’t go away when I sat down either, because the only open place to sit was two stools down from him.
“Here’s a menu, and what can I get you to drink, sugar?” a woman behind the bar, whose name tag said Roxie, asked me. She had to be in her sixties, and something about how kind her smile was made me not be so annoyed at the fact that Trent was so close to me. It was as if it was hard for me to be upset while she was around.
“Um.” What did I want? I wasn’t up for orange juice that morning, though that was my normal breakfast drink of choice. “Coffee? With milk but no sweetener?”
She gave me another smile. “You got it. I’ll be right back to take your breakfast order.”
“Thanks.” I opened the menu and instantly found what I was looking for. There was my favorite breakfast food right on top of the menu. French toast with strawberries and powdered sugar, and the picture made it look amazing. I was practically drooling over the menu.
“Eli?”
I froze at the sound of Trent’s voice, then slowly turned to look up at him. He’d moved from a few stools over to stand directly to my left. I swallowed quickly. “Hi.”
He gave me a slight smile. Like he was uncomfortable being so close to me too. We weren’t unfriendly, but I’d never go out of my way to try to be close to him again. I’d learned a lot since that one night years ago.
“Are you here to do a checkup on the horses?”
I would be doing exactly that, but not for a few more weeks at the soonest. “Not yet.”
He shifted his weight and messed with his belt a little. I figured they were probably nervous gestures. As it was, I could barely remember to breathe again as long as he was standing so close to me. He made me nervous and uncomfortable, even at a distance.
“So what are you doing here?”
I laughed. Maybe that was a new nervous gesture for me. Or maybe he just made me crazy enough that I’d finally lost it. “Hoping to get some french toast for breakfast.”
But Trent wasn’t about to drop it. “This is a long way to go from Parker to get some breakfast, and I know for a fact that you have breakfast places in Parker. So let’s try this again. What are you doing here?”
I stared at him for a long few moments. And then I glared at him. “I’m not going to do anything to your boyfriend.”
“Husband,” Trent corrected me instantly.
And suddenly, as if something got flicked inside of me, I felt so much better around him. He was married. I was unbelievably happy for him. “Congrats.” I smiled up at him. I didn’t really like Trent all that much, but I did like Caleb. He had a soft spot for kids and horses. Trent liked horses too, but I got a different vibe from Caleb.
“Thanks.” He relaxed his looming stance a little too. Maybe he could
sense the change in me as well. “So if you’re not here to do another run-through of the barn and pastures, then why are you in Thornwood?”
I could have lied to him or continued to evade his questions. But I was hungry, Roxie was back and ready for my breakfast order, and the other cops were looking impatient as they got up around us and headed toward the front door.
“I’m staying with a friend here for a few days.”
“Who?” he continued to press me. “And did you fall off a horse, or what the hell happened to your face?”
I was hungry, and now I’d had enough of his questions to last me for a long, long time. “Sure, I fell. Are you going to arrest me for being in your town and refusing to tell you who my friend is?”
Trent laughed, and it was real, unlike any of the other times that I had heard him laugh. “Take care, Eli. Be nice to my husband next time you’re at the barn. No going into horse-rescue nazi mode anymore. You know him better than that now. It’s been years.”
I nodded, silently agreeing to hold back my usual hundred points that I’d often find wrong with the barns I had to evaluate. I was strict. I knew that. But it was for the good of the horses. But I supposed that Caleb had proven that he had good intentions over the years that he’d been fostering for the rescue. I could pull back a bit. Trent lifted his hand and brought it close to my shoulder like he was going to pat me, but I shied away, and he pulled back at the same time. Not being uncomfortable with him didn’t extend to me also being okay with being touched by him. He seemed to get it, because he frowned and put even more space between us.
“I’m not interested in hurting you,” he told me, his voice going quiet, maybe in an attempt to keep everyone in the diner from hearing us and gossiping about our business later. I had no doubt that this would be just the kind of town to do that. Cop Has Awkward Conversation with Mystery Man at Diner. I could see the headline now. Maybe we’d even make the front page. It wasn’t something I was interested in seeing in the least.
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