Indulgence

by Liz Crowe

  All too soon I was being lifted and moved into another car. A taxi. Bags were being tossed into the back hurriedly. The men settled into the cab, Dean in front, Ollie in back holding me close. Dean’s phone was ringing off the hook. Ollie was screaming orders into his cell phone.

  “You better be at her fucking jet in three hours or you’re fired, Captain!” He hung up. Ollie ran his fingers through is hair. It was as unruly as I’d ever seen it. The man was worried about me. Dean’s phone started ringing again.

  “Oh, God, please just answer the phone.” I croaked and leaned my head against the cool window pane.

  “We’re leaving.” He paused. “Don’t even think about it, Partner!” He breathed deep through his nose. “Safe, don’t worry.” Dean’s tone held a scary edge to it.

  “Yeah, well you should of fucking thought about that before you decided to kiss your ex. Asshole!” Dean hung up and the tears welled again. Just when I thought I had controlled them for a moment they scuttled down my face. I just let them fall.

  She sobbed against my chest. I tried the best I could, saying anything, everything that would calm the woman down. Susie was special to me. She was. I shushed her, patted her back, held her until her lips trailed up my neck and before I knew what was happening her lips were on mine. The feel of her mouth; wet, warm, and familiar. It wasn’t what I wanted, what I craved. My arms flew out and almost shoved the woman from my chest.

  “What the fuck are you doing, Susie!”

  “Hank, you want it as badly as I do! I can feel it. Don’t fight it. We’re both free now. We can be together again. Raise that family you want so badly!”

  “No, Susie. We can’t go back. I can never go back. You took something from me and I’ll never forgive you. Never.” The anger that boiled in me from ten years past bubbled to the surface and spilled over. “I don’t fucking love you. Maybe at one time I did, but that was a long time ago. I have everything I could ever want or need now!”

  “She won’t be what you need her to be, Hank. She’s not capable of it!” Her voice was scathing and jilted. The cry of a desperate woman. It sickened me to see what she’d become.

  “Don’t you get it? She’s what I need. The woman she is. Yes, she’s a city girl, and damned if I ever thought I’d fall for a woman that was all kinds of wrong. But you know what, Susie? It’s so right. When I’m with her there’s nothin’ else, and I want to be that man for her. Only her.”

  “No, Hank. Please, please give us a second chance,” she begged. I shook my head and turned on my heel to find my Angel. I’d been gone a long time and she must be panicked or drunk by now. The thought of my Angel tipsy, laughing those sweet laughs, hanging out with her best buddy and his watchdog of a man tickled me to no end. They were my new family now and that gave me great joy. Gave me hope. That door to the past was shut forever. It couldn’t hurt me anymore.

  I made my way through the throngs of people, searching for my Angel in white but she was nowhere to be seen. Then I realized that neither were Dean or Oliver. I enlisted my brother and his wife to help me find them. The property was big but they couldn’t have gotten far. We checked the house, the yards, the stables, the barn, nothing. Until Old Man Henry finally came up to me.

  “Boy, didn’t you drive your truck here?”

  It dawned on me that when I checked the front I hadn’t come across my truck. It was gone along with my girl and her two friends. What in the hell was going on?

  Aspen had left her phone back at the ranch so I didn’t bother calling it. Oliver’s line repeatedly went to voicemail, so I called Dean.

  Dean answered after several attempts. “Dean, what’s going on, where are you? Where’s Aspen?”

  “We’re leaving.” His voice was cold, very unlike the smooth-talking fella I was used to.

  “What the hell do you mean, you’re leavin’? What’s going on? Just stay at the ranch, I’ll jump in my brother’s truck.”

  “Don’t even think about it, partner!” Dean’s voice was angry, madder than hell, and I hadn’t the slightest idea why.

  “Dean, where is she?” I begged.

  “Safe, don’t worry.”

  “Don’t tell me not to worry about the woman I love, Dean!” I screamed into the phone.

  “Yeah, well you should have fucking thought about that before you decided to kiss your ex. Asshole!” The line went dead, and so did my heart.

  I threw the phone down to the grass and looked up at the heavens. “FUCK!” I screamed and my brother came running over. Oh God in Heaven, NO!

  “Did you find her?” Heath, Ma, and Jess were at my side in a second.

  “She’s gone!” I closed my eyes and let the fear swim a circle around my body then rush in waves over every pore.

  “What in the dickens do you mean, she’s gone?”

  “Christ, Ma, I messed up. I messed up bad.” My shoulders sagged and she pulled me into her arms.

  “Oh, Punky, no. Tell me what happened. You know your Mama can fix anythin’,” she cooed.

  “Not this time. I’ve lost her.”

  Dean’s words screamed through my head like a high powered locomotive.

  “You should have fucking thought about that before you decided to kiss your ex. Asshole!”

  She knew. I don’t know how or why, I just know that she found out about the conversation Susie and I had. She knew about the kiss. What she needed to know was that it wasn’t what she thought. That I loved and wanted her. Only her.

  “Give me your keys, Heath!”

  “No way, Hank. You’re in no place to drive,” he warned.

  “Give me the goddamned KEYS!” I roared at my brother.

  “Settle down. I’ll drive!” he screamed. “Take care of the kids and Jess, Ma!” Heath hollered over his shoulder as we ran as fast as our boots would take us, hopping in the truck and heading to my girl. I prayed that I could talk some sense into her. Losing the best thing that had ever happened to me was not in my cards. It just couldn’t be. I’d fix it and fix it fast! She’d listen. God willing, she’d listen.

  They were nowhere to be found when we arrived; lock, stock, and smokin’ barrel at the ranch. I ran through the house like a horse at full gallop, but there was nothin’ for me to find. They’d left. My truck haphazardly parked in the driveway, the back door still wide open. They’d left in a hurry, and with the kind of money and a private jet that my Angel owned, there was no luck she’d be waiting at the airport.

  Heath gripped my shoulder and patted my back. “What happened, bro? Why’d your girl high-tail it outta here?”

  I explained the whole story to him over several beers. At least my brother had the decency to see me through it, let me talk it out. I told him everything about Susie and our past, shit he’d never known. When I left Susie all those years ago, they all thought it was because I’d lost interest or she cheated. I’d never told anyone the real reason. The one thing I couldn’t forgive her for. The reason why I’d left.

  Heath took his hat off and pushed his fingers through his hair, repeatedly shaking his head. Butch pushed through the screen door and sat on my feet then leaned his furry body against my leg. His head provided a welcomed comfort against my thigh. Man’s best friend for sure.

  “I had no idea, bro. Sayin’ sorry doesn’t seem quite good enough.” He took a long pull from his beer and I followed suit.

  “Nope, it doesn’t. I still can’t believe she pushed to get me back, and because of her, the one fucking woman that’d hurt me the most, I’m losing the best thing I’ve ever had. She’s taking her away from me too, bro.”

  “Nah, you’ll get her back. You just got to talk to her. Tell her about what happened with Susie way back. Then tell her about what you think she already saw, but explain your side.” He paused and then looked at me. “Aspen’s it for you. I knew the second I saw you huggin’ on her. You treat her like there is no other woman in the world. Just like my Jess. She’s my only. She’s my life. Aspen’s yours.” I nodded. There
was no denying that. He continued, “Even if she is a fancy city girl from NYC. We don’t get to choose who makes us right, Hank.”

  “No we don’t. But I’m going to do it right this time. I’m going all in. She admitted she loved me. Fuck! That was just last night, bro, and I’ve already screwed it up!” My arms physically ached to hold my Angel. I needed to bury my face in the crook of her warm neck, smell her vanilla goodness and taste her honey lips and body. Only then would everything be right again.

  “So what are you gonna do?”

  “I’m going back to the job I started. Doc said I could go back to desk work and manning the jobsite as long as I didn’t do any of the lifting or physical work.”

  “Okay, then what?”

  “Then I’m going to start putting in for loans to get the capital I need to expand Jensen Construction.”

  “You could always sell your half of the family ranch. That would give you the funding you need,” he offered. I loved my brother more in that moment than I ever did before. He’d be willing to have to deal with an outside party owning half his company to help me. To make me happy.

  “Not ever gonna happen. That’s for Jensen’s only. No way, no how, would I ever sell my half of our family business. Our kids will be gettin’ the ranch one day. You hear me?” He nodded.

  “I will tell you, though, that I have some options with Oliver. If he’ll talk to me.” I sighed. “He had some good ideas, but I’d have to buckle down and be humble to it.” I’d gnawed the inside of my cheek to painful proportions thinking this plan through.

  “Hank, you do what you have to do to get your girl. And when you do, you never let her go. You hear what I’m sayin’? Never!”

  Marriage. I’d known the second I looked into those clear blue eyes that day she’d hovered over me, a pipe ripping through my shoulder, that she was the one. The universe—the heavens, whatever—had seen to giving me an Angel in white. Oh, how I loved to see her in white. I’d damn near do anything and everything to see her walk toward me in a perfect white dress, to bind her to me for all eternity. Fate was on my side. I had to believe that above all else.

  Chapter Seventeen

  “Up and at ‘em, Princess!” Oliver’s voice ripped through my sleep, shattering the perfect dream I was having. Hank and I were in a meadow, having a picnic. It was lovely. The comforter was shrewdly yanked from my form curled around the halo of warmth and solace.

  “Enough of this!” Oliver sat down and patted my bare hip. “You’re killing yourself. Why don’t you just talk to him?” It was the same damn question, every damned day.

  “You know why, Ollie. Stop asking. I mean it this time.” As much as my broken heart didn’t want to admit, Hank and I were over. Finito! The last few weeks had been pure, utter hell, but the end had to be in sight, somewhere.

  “Pen, I can’t see you do this to yourself anymore. You went from comatose to an evil bitch. Do you realize you’ve fired three people since the shit hit the fan with Ha—?”

  “Don’t! Don’t even fucking mention his name.” I breathed deep, in through my nose, out through my mouth counting to ten.

  “I’m worried about you. I’ve never seen you like this. The front room looks like a fucking memorial with all the flowers Hank has sent. You spent a week in bed, then the last two weeks you’ve been a tyrant. I don’t like who you’ve become.”

  “Then why don’t you just leave!” My tone scared me. I’d never had so much as a fight with Oliver in our eight-year friendship.

  “You don’t mean that.”

  “Maybe I do.” Tears welled in my eyes.

  “Well it’s a good thing for you that I don’t give a shit what you say right now. You’re not in your right mind. You’re sick. And the only thing that will make you better is tall, tanned, and can ride a horse and you,” he pointed an arrogant finger and dropped it on my nose in a playful stab, “into next week!”

  A full-bellied laugh bubbled to the surface, pushing through all the sorrow and heartache. God, I loved Oliver. He knew me sometimes better than I knew myself. If only love were so easy; I’d be rich in more ways than one.

  “He cheated and he’s meant to be with his first love.” The tears ran down my face. “We’re just too different. Our lifestyles can’t work. Don’t you see that?” I tried to make him see what was so clear to me.

  He didn’t buy it.

  “The only thing I see is a heartbroken woman who I love more than anything. And that woman loves a cowboy from Texas, who loves her in return. Please, just give him a chance. He hasn’t given up on you. He’s sent flowers and notes every day. He’s back at the jobsite and well … I’ve uh … ” Oh no, this was not good. If quick-talking Ollie was stuttering, he’d done something. Something I wouldn’t like.

  “Spit it out. What the hell did you do?”

  He actually had the self-respect to look openly guilty. “I’ve talked to him. I, uh, I’ve talked to him pretty much every day for the last two weeks. But—”

  “You traitor! You’re Judas!” I screamed and threw myself out of the bed. It was Saturday, but I was going to get ready and get the heck out of here. Maybe I’d go to work. There was always something that needed to be done there.

  “Princess, I didn’t, that’s not fair!” Ollie stamped his foot like a five-year-old in trouble. “I admit it. I talked to him, but I gave him a ration of shit so deep his eyes turned espresso, I promise! I just think you need to hear him out. You’re miserable and need to—”

  “Don’t tell me what I need, Ollie! I’m tired of everyone telling me what they think I need. I know exactly what you did. You talked about me behind my back. You let him in. I’m so pissed at you!”

  “You’re being unreasonable. It’s been three weeks. I’m tired of seeing you curled up in bed completely broken, or running a marathon in the gym here until you drop. Or the other fun alternative of working yourself to the bone. It’s not healthy, and I won’t stand for it anymore!”

  “Well, you can just go fuck yourself! Why don’t you go spend your weekend with Dean and leave me and my life alone for one goddamned minute?” My voice was shrill. He ricocheted back as if I’d struck him, pain and hurt clearly visible on his pointed wrinkle-free face.

  “Fine. I’ll go. Enjoy your pity party for one … bitch!” He ran out of my bedroom and I threw the pillows off the bed onto the floor, ripping at the bed sheets to try and straighten them. It was no use. I couldn’t make a bed for shit.

  Even my own lack of domesticity proved how wrong I was for Hank. Just like the little Country Cunt said. He needed someone who could take care of him and the house. Cook his meals. I had Gustav. I continued to throw things around the room, muttering to myself.

  Why did everyone think they knew what was best for me? Besides the droves of flowers Hank sent every day, I’d also gotten cards and letters. I didn’t open any of them. They sat in a neat little pile on my nightstand. He was trying hard to breach the wall I’d put up, but going to Ollie and securing his vote was beyond reproach. I couldn’t believe my best friend had taken his side.

  Needing a man, any man—including Ollie—was going the way of the wind. It was time to take charge of my life. Oh who the hell was I kidding? Without Ollie, without Hank I was a shriveled up old hag. There was no joy without them. But was it possible that everything that happened with Hank could be mended? Did I even whisper a hope? No, no way. He’d break my barely glued together heart all over again. I had to be strong. Men though beautiful and necessary sexually, were not necessary to live my life. It would be okay.

  I dialed my sister. London answered on the first ring. “Pen, what’s up?”

  “Are you with a client?”

  “No, no. I was just hanging out with Tripp, actually. Are you okay?”

  I considered lying, telling her everything was rainbows and unicorns, but my fight with Ollie broke the seal on my emotions and I needed her. “No,” I whispered holding back the storm of tears wanting to break free.

&n
bsp; “Okay, okay. I’ll be over in thirty minutes. The traffic is brutal.”

  “No, no. I need to get out of the house. Let’s meet at ’The Place‘ downtown. Is that okay? I’ll call ahead and get my usual table.”

  “Sure. We’ll see you there.”

  I took a hot shower and pulled my hair into a ponytail. It’s about the only thing I could muster without Ollie, and I just didn’t have the energy to put forth any real effort. I threw on a pair of dark skinny jeans, a tank top with a loose overshirt that hung off the shoulder. The outfit was completed with a pair of silver ballet flats. Jewelry was too much to think about. Bare, low-key Aspen would have to do. Grabbing the biggest pair of Jackie O. sunglasses I could find to cover my puffy eyes, I was out the door in twenty minutes.

  London and Tripp were already seated when I got there.

  “Hey.” London jumped up and hugged me tight.

  Tripp pulled me into a full-body embrace as well. I loved these people. They were two people I could be myself with. I didn’t have to hide the fact that I was hurting with them. They knew just by looking at me.

  London’s gray-blue eyes scanned my body. “I ordered some comfort food. By the looks of the weight you’ve lost, you could use it.”

  My body was on point with my mind. Only when I was about to pass out from hunger did I actually shove down a small bowl of cereal or a handful of almonds. Wine, however, was in great supply and helped to dull the ache I felt when I spent any time thinking about Hank. Stupid cowboy!

  “How are you?”

  “Fighting with Ollie,” I said.

  “I see. So you’ve taken out your anger and hurt on the one man that loves you the most in the universe.”

  Tripp shook his head. My eyes narrowed at him.

  “Oh, don’t think London’s so innocent. We’ve had some whoppers in our time. Haven’t we, Bridge?”

  “True. But in the end, we always come back to one another.” Tripp smiled and nodded. “You and Ollie will make up. I guarantee he won’t even go a day without making amends with you.”