Grief lashed and scourged. “I’m just not sure I’m worthy of any of Willow’s days.”
I turned away and staggered up the stairs, head hanging between my shoulders as I ascended. Second I mounted the top, hands landed on my chest, halting my escape.
I looked up. Edie was there, worry and concern bleeding all over her face.
“Edie,” I murmured, feeling the last piece of my reserve bust apart.
“You’re scaring me, Ash. What’s going on with you?”
I gathered her in my arms. “Edie. I’m so sorry. I’m so goddamned sorry.”
It was all catching up. Had felt it catching up all along. Ever since that moment a year ago when I’d found out about what I’d let happen to her.
She shook her head against my chest. “I don’t understand.”
“I fucked up. I fucked up so bad.”
She peeled herself away, sympathy on her face as she wrapped her hand in mine and led me over to the living room on the main floor of Baz and Shea’s house. She sat me down on a chair and climbed to her knees in front of me.
I scrubbed both hands over my face. “Need to tell you something.”
She touched my knee. “You can tell me anything. Anything.”
“That night…what happened to you…” I couldn’t even form the words.
She nodded.
“There was so much going on behind the scenes. This girl…”
I gathered up my courage and told my baby sister the same story I’d told Willow two weeks ago. I backed up, started from the beginning, from the first night I’d met Anna all the way up to the night when it’d all ended in destruction.
For Edie.
For Anna.
For Willow.
“I was responsible for it, Edie. For what happened to you. I was so wrapped up in what was going on with my life that night, I didn’t take care of you the way I should have.”
Me.
It’d always been on me.
Tears streaked down Edie’s face. “How can you say that? Paul was responsible, Ash. Paul. Not you.”
“You’re wrong.”
She shook her head. “I’m not. I spent too many years blaming myself, and I refuse to let you do the same.” Her mouth trembled. “It makes me sick to know what happened to you that night. To her. It’s horrible and wrong. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I wish I would have known.”
My elbows propped on my knees, I threaded my fingers together and lifted my head to peer at my sister. “It kills me I didn’t know what was happening to you, Edie. That all those years I didn’t have the first clue what you’d gone through that night. To think I was relieved when I’d gotten the text that you’d skated out, thinking at least you were safe, when you hadn’t been safe at all.”
“We’re pretty good at keeping secrets from each other, aren’t we?”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “Too good. I don’t want that anymore. Not for either of us.”
Edie turned her attention to the floor, before she peeked back at me. “I can’t believe she was Willow’s sister.”
I rubbed my chin. “It’s so fucked up.”
“It wasn’t your fault, Ash. She was sick. You have to know that.”
Part of me did. The other was counting all the mistakes I’d made. The warnings I’d ignored.
“I just…I just wish…” All the unknowns stuck to my tongue.
Edie’s face pinched. “Of course you wish you could change it. We all wish we could stop the bad things from happening in our lives. Wish we could take away the hurt from the people we love. Go back and change it. But just because you can’t change it doesn’t mean you’re to blame.”
She set her hand on her stomach, affection filling her expression, her eyes so bright when she looked up at me. “I hate what Paul did to me, Ash, and I’d never say it’s okay or it was meant to be. But I have to wonder if Austin and I would have found each other if it hadn’t happened. If he hadn’t have been there for me. Sometimes our greatest gifts are found in our darkest hour.”
Her head tilted in emphasis. “What if Willow is that greatest gift for you?”
I gripped the back of my head. “She told me she can’t live in her sister’s shadow.”
“Is she? Standing in her sister’s shadow? Is that who you see when you look at her?”
I blew out a breath, honesty floating out. “I worried she might be…when I first realized who she was. Since the second I met her…I felt this…familiarity when I looked at her. Like I already knew her when I shouldn’t have. It scared me that I was seeing Anna in her.”
“And what do you think now?”
My gaze tangled with big, chocolate eyes. I recognized the agony in their search. Like this girl was as desperate to get inside as I was to get out.
And I knew who I’d been seeing was Willow all along.
I met Edie’s gaze. “I think there’s no chance of her living in a shadow. Not when she’s my sun.”
A knowing smile climbed to my sister’s face. “You love her.”
“So much.”
More than anything I’d ever known.
“Does she know?”
Did she?
My mind tumbled through our memories, through the words I’d given her.
“Pretend with me.”
“I’m no good for you, darlin’. Can’t give you all those things you really want.”
“Tell me you love me…the way I love you.”
“I can’t tell you that.”
Realization tightened my chest.
“What if she doesn’t feel the same? What if she can’t look at me without thinking of her sister. About what I did? About how I let her down? What if I let her down?”
Edie touched my knee. “Maybe you need to show her why she should believe in you. That you want her to. None of us missed it, Ash. The way she looked at you. You can’t let her go.”
A throat cleared to the side, and I looked up as Tamar made her way into the room, obviously catching the gist of our conversation. She dropped an enlarged, black and white photo onto my lap.
One she’d snagged of Willow on my lap in this very spot.
My heart beat an extra beat.
Because my girl…my Peaches…she was snuggled against me, and I had my lips pressed to the top of her head, my hold secure while she melted into me.
Easy.
Not the kind that I’d been seeking for the last seven years.
But something that was simple and real.
Like both of us were exactly where we were supposed to be.
That crazy energy shimmered around us like a palpable thing. That feeling I could never quite put my finger on.
Love.
My Tam Tam squeezed my shoulder. “Just in case you needed proof.”
thirty-eight
Willow
A calm I hadn’t felt in weeks filled the space as I let myself get lost in the soothing sound of sandpaper. I ran it over the wood of the old piece again and again.
Revealing the beauty hidden underneath.
I’d finally forced myself to get up and get out of my house. To find a focus for the loss that chased me day by day. Knowing I had to take care of myself. Maybe not to move on, because after Ash Evans, that would be impossible. But to take a step forward.
Emily pressed her hands to the front counter beside the cash register, breaking my attention. Dragging me back to the reality I didn’t want to face.
“So that’s just it? You’re gonna let him go?” A quiet urgency weaved its way into her words.
I attempted to swallow as my chest trembled. “I don’t see that there’s another solution,” I finally grated, my spirit mounting a backlash at the assertion.
I glanced up as her brow twisted in disbelief. “You don’t see another solution? Just who is it you think you’re foolin’? That other ‘solution’ is right in front of you. You know the one…that insanely hot rock star you saved? The one who’s been savin’ you? The one who brought you b
ack to life. Made you believe again? That one.”
He was also the one who’d crushed me.
“You know it’s not that simple,” I said, turning back to the spindles of wood, my hands pouring out their love against the grains. I could almost see it, sitting in that second room where I’d stored all my memories.
No longer would that room bear shame.
“No?” she challenged.
I blinked through the moisture that gathered in my eyes. “He was in love with my sister.”
“So what?”
My head jerked up.
“So what?” My face pinched in agony and a tremble shook through my body. “How would I ever know if he really loved me, Emily? How? How would I ever know for sure that when I laid down with him it was me he was looking at and not my sister he was searching for? I could never—”
“Compete with your sister? Is that what you’re getting ready to say?”
“No…that’s not…”
Was it?
I didn’t know. All I knew was I’d loved my sister more than the whole world. Then this man had become my everything.
Guilt swam with the grief. “What if it’s a dishonor to her? What if it’s a dishonor to all of us?”
Emily slowly approached me, stood on the other side of the rocker and gripped me by both sides of the face. “What if it’s a dishonor to ignore this? What you’ve been given.”
Sympathy swam in her eyes. “Your sister was amazing, Willow. She was a force. Bright. Talented. A shining star. And I know you loved her with everything you had. But she’s not here anymore. But that man? The one who’s been going out of his mind trying to reach you? To make you see? To look? From where I’m standing, the only person he’s looking at is you.”
I dropped my eyes closed. “You were the one who said he was going to break my heart, Emily. You were right.”
He’d just done it in an entirely different way than she’d been suggesting.
Soft laughter rolled from her. “I’m not so big to admit when I just might be wrong, Will. And I think right now, you just might be wrong, too. Everything you’ve ever wanted…everything…those dreams are right there, waitin’ on you to reach out and take them.”
“I just…I don’t know if I can. He doesn’t even want any of those things.”
We both jerked when the bell jingled over the door. That jingle had been going off more and more since Ash Evans had come into my life, my store no longer a no-name. He’d saved me in more ways than he could ever know, wrecked me all the same.
It was a young man in his uniform, a cap on his head and a digital clipboard in one hand as he balanced a big box on the other. “I have a delivery for a Ms. Langston?”
“That’s me,” I said, getting to my feet, wiping my hands on my jeans so I could accept the package.
“Sign right here, please.”
I scribbled my name in the spot he indicated and he handed me the box, already on his way out the door as he tossed, “Have a nice day,” over his shoulder.
I moved over to the counter, grabbed a sharp tool, and raked it across the seal. I pulled out the packing and froze when I came to the small, rectangular wooden box nestled inside. My heart rate sped, a thunder at my ribs, and that horrible lump that’d been living at the base of my throat ached and pled.
With shaky hands, I lifted it out.
It was stained in a whitewash and was who knew how many years old. It was both worn down and beautiful. I set it on the counter and ran my trembling fingertips across the word that had been carved into the top.
The marks were crude and unpolished.
Will.
Emily moved to stand opposite of me. “What is it?” Her brows drew together as she squinted at the raw, unpolished carving.
More tears slipped free. “Ash.”
I knew it with every part of me and still felt as if I didn’t know a thing.
“Oh, Will,” she whispered like encouragement.
I slowly lifted the lid. Old hinges creaked as they exposed an antique silver pocket watch and a piece of paper folded into quarters nestled inside.
God.
What was he trying to do to me?
I frowned at the couple of letters and numbers written across the top, but my attention was stolen by the strong handwriting pressed into the paper.
Willow,
Where do I even start? You asked me to go and I did because I didn’t know how to make sense of our reality. I thought leaving you was for the best. Because I knew I deserved for you to hate me. Then when I realized I couldn’t force myself to leave this town—to leave you—I decided what I needed to give you was time.
I tried, but I’m honestly not quite sure what giving you time means anymore. All I know is the last two weeks have been the most unbearable of my life. Each day that passes is longer than the last, and every second that ticks by feels like an eternity we’ve lost.
Funny, but I’m pretty sure time didn’t start ticking until the day I met you.
Three months ago, I was waltzing down this street like I didn’t have a damned care in the world. It’d felt like it. I’d closed myself off to the idea of commitment, to the possibility of ever loving someone again, because I didn’t think I could ever take on that kind of responsibility.
I was just…gliding through the days. Letting time pass without it really meaning anything.
I was as close to happy as I thought I could ever get.
That night three months ago? I knew I was close to breathing my last. It was like I could feel death hovering in my periphery. And there you were. Giving me more time.
Five days later, I found my way back to this same spot I almost died. I couldn’t stay away. Couldn’t shake the feeling I had something important to do. Maybe by that moment in time I was already a different man. Maybe between lying in a puddle of my own blood and thinking I’d never see the people I loved again, something had already been loosed inside of me. Maybe that reinforced barrier I’d built around my heart had sustained a crack.
But standing there, looking at you the first time?
Little did I know you’d already found a way into my soul.
Tears ran hot down my cheeks and the hollow place inside me throbbed. I squinted through the bleariness, trying to make sense of the numbers and letters that sat in place of a finished letter. Hungry for more of his words. Wondering if I was a complete fool for wanting them.
I glanced up at Emily who was grinning at me from the other side of the counter.
“What is this?” I begged.
She’d been on her phone, and she turned the face toward me. “I think…I think they’re coordinates.” She pointed to the row of numbers and letters at the top of the letter. “These are the exact coordinates for the store.”
She inputted the second row. A small gasp shot from her when she retrieved the results. A grin stretched her face when she looked back up at me. “It’s the resort where the reunion was.”
“Oh my God,” I breathed. I swiped away the lingering tears hanging on my lashes and fought to calm my raging heart.
What do I do?
What could this change?
“How will I ever know?”
She reached out and gripped my trembling hand. “We never know for sure, Willow. Not ever. In life there are no guarantees. There are only possibilities. You need to find out where this one takes you.”
Emotion spun.
Hope and despair and need.
Tucking the letter back into the box, I grabbed my purse and keys. I started for the door but paused when Emily called after me, “What do you see when he looks at you?”
I gave her a somber smile and a nod of my head. I rushed out into the day, unsure where this chase would end. But knowing I couldn’t go on ignoring what was screaming out from me on the inside.
I swiped at my tears with the sleeve of my shirt, trying to clear my vision and calm the riot of my heart. I inputted the coordinates myself and followed them to the re
sort. It guided me through the lobby and out through the back to where the reception had been held beneath the stars and twinkle lights.
A soggy laugh escaped when I found another box had been nestled near a row of flowering shrubs.
I climbed to my knees and pulled it onto my lap. This one was completely square and had the word You carved on the top. Again old. Again beautiful. My pulse sprinted as affection tugged a smile onto my lips.
I lifted the lid. Hidden inside was one of the pictures he’d taken on his phone that night when he’d obliterated me. When he’d demanded I see the way he looked at me when all I could see was him.
The image was entirely of my face, my expression both shy and confident. Filled with all the love I’d come to realize in this man.
I unfolded the note he’d left with it.
My Willow,
Two months ago, I asked you to pretend with me. To pretend like you belonged to me when a terrified part of me wished there was a way you could. Here was this amazing girl who was so unlike anyone I’d ever met, so far out of my reach because she wanted all the things I could never give her. I couldn’t have those things. I was too damned scared to take that kind of risk again. And honestly, I wasn’t there yet. Didn’t think I needed love or wanted it. But somewhere along the way? In those days that ticked by? You showed me what it was again. Made me remember. Stirred a part of me I’d long since forgotten. A part I mocked as stupid and reckless when, in reality, I’d been living the most reckless life of all. Most of all, you brought out something new. Something better. Something I never knew was a part of me.
Somewhere in time? Somewhere in time, I fell in love with you.
Love.
It swelled all around me. The warmest embrace against the cold dark I’d been lost in for weeks. I’d been so sure I’d seen it in him…felt it in his touch. But I’d let the shock and grief of Summer convince me it’d been fake.
Ash. With his hard, beautiful exterior and his soft, amazing heart.
I took the letter and box and ran back through the lobby and to my car as this overwhelming emotion bloomed. Spreading through my body. Laying siege to my spirit, heart, and mind.
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