by Jolene Perry
He smiles his crooked Luke/Romeo smile and melts my heart. Makes my knees weak. “Have not saints lips? And holy palmers too?”
And there’s no doubt in my mind they picked the perfect guy to play Romeo.
Now it’s my turn to smile at him. This is where I get to tease, better. “Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.”
He leans towards me again, making my heart flutter and my hands press harder to his, clasping our fingers together. “O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do; they pray, grant though, lest faith turn to despair.”
Every part of me is in this moment. In his eyes, the heat of the lights on the stage and nothing else touches us. Not here. “Saints do not move, though grant for prayers’ sake.”
“Then move not while my prayer’s effect I take.” He kisses me. I can’t remember if he’s supposed to here or not, but I take it. “Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged.” We kiss again, and I wish I could throw my arms around him and pull us together.
“Then have my lips the sin that they have took.” The line flows from my mouth without thought.
“Sin from thy lips?” More Luke/Romeo smirk. “O trespass sweetly urged! Give me my sin again.” We kiss again and stand silent until I remember my line.
“You kiss by the book.” I keep our faces close and wonder how well my voice projects.
Laura taps my shoulder, stepping into the role of Nurse. “Madam, your mother craves a word with you.”
Both me and Luke/Romeo jump. Moment broken. I suck in a breath and try to shake off the feeling of falling hard and fast. My eyes focus on Laura, not Luke. Way safer.
“Awesome.” Her smile is wide. “Let’s do it one more time and then we’ll move on to the balcony scene, okay?”
I turn away from her, from Luke, weak with the emotional intensity of him, of me, of my role…of everything. I pull in a deep breath, and prepare to fall again.
After another run-through of the party scene and three run-throughs of the balcony scene, I’m exhausted. Luke’s eyes hold something incredible, and either he’s a good actor, or has feelings I don’t want to think or know about. One thing I do know is that his kiss is addictive.
Well, he’s been doing this for a while. He’s a good actor. I’m okay, because having Luke as anything more than what he is, my friend, won’t work.
Laura thanks us and takes off. I stand on the edge of the stage. I’m suddenly unsure of where my eyes should be, or my hands, or myself.
“I need to get my pack and then I’ll walk you home.” Luke jogs backstage and emerges a moment later with his bag. I watch him walk toward me in a way I probably shouldn’t. In a way that makes my insides tingly. I wonder how long it’ll take for my part in the play to wear off, because I’m still feeling unsettling, nervous jitters around him, and he’s Luke. My friend. Not Romeo.
“Was that totally weird for you?” He stops, facing me.
“I don’t know.” Yes and no; his question is almost impossible to answer.
“Thanks for doing this with me, Ronnie. It was weird with Liesl but fun with you.”
“Okay, good.” And because I don’t know what else to do I put my arms around him in a hug.
The theater is quiet and still. His arms hold me easily, and even with my platforms on, my head rests on the top of his shoulder. And then our hug feels different. More like Romeo, not Luke. He feels so good. My body is screaming for me to never pull away, but I know I have to.
When I step back our eyes lock, and if it was someone else, in a different circumstance, we’d kiss. It’s all here. But it’s me and it’s Luke, and I already have my forever. But I feel it, a new kind of ‘pull’ to my good friend, and I have no idea what to do about it.
“Ready?” I ask. My voice sounds surprisingly normal.
“Yep.” He clears his throat and we start up the steps out of the theater. My heart’s hammering in my chest and my hands feel suddenly sweaty, but we’re okay. We did it, and I’m going home to Shawn. Which is good. And Luke either forgot about my wrist, or is letting it go. Either way, I’m relieved.
***
“How was your intense day of acting today?” Mindy’s voice is full of suggestion, even over the phone.
“Fine, I guess.” I swirl my legs around in the cool water of the pool.
“You don’t sound fine,” she urges.
This is Mindy. I’ve already kept too much from her. “He’s so intense, Luke is. He’s like a pro at this, and then we walked home but I didn’t know how close to stand, or what to say. It’s like that feeling we have on stage doesn’t want to go away when I leave.”
“Wow.” The word comes out like a wistful sigh of yet another girl who would love to fill my shoes in the moments I kiss Luke.
“But I know we’re doing good onstage together.” No one would second-guess the way we look, talk and act. Not after today. Not even Shawn. Maybe not even me. And that starts to gnaw at my insides.
“I think he likes you.”
My stomach drops. That would really complicate things. It would just lead to him being hurt because I’m not going anywhere that leads me away from Shawn. He already knows this. She has to be wrong.
“Ronnie? You still there?” she asks.
“Why…why would you say that?” Luke can’t like me. It would pull him from my comfortable place.
“Just the way he looks at you.” I’m sure she’s shrugging, her round little lips on her tanned face pulling into a frown.
“It’s Romeo bleeding over.” That’s all. That’s all it can be. He’s…he’s just Luke.
“We’ll see…” she sings out, and then we’re saying goodbye and I’m convincing myself that she’s crazy.
I need to get myself together. Shawn and I are sharing dinner at his work. It’s the only time we’ll have to get together for a day or two and I need to make the most of it. For both of us.
***
Luke and I walk in comfortable silence on our way home after rehearsal.
“Good day today.” He wraps his arm over my shoulder and squeezes my upper arm.
“Ow.” I jerk away and then realize I should not have reacted. I went to Shawn’s work last night to share dinner on his break and things between us were tense. I’m not sure what I did wrong, but his frustration and the grabbing of my shoulders was followed immediately by us having one of our best nights in a long time. After the initial anger, we sat and laughed and…
“What’s wrong?” Luke asks.
Our eyes meet and I can’t answer. Part of me thinks he knows and part of me thinks he’s just guessing. He wouldn’t understand. He doesn’t know Shawn like I do.
“Nothing, my arm’s just sore.” I shake my head but can’t keep walking—like my legs just forgot how to move.
His brows pull together as he takes my hand and turns it over. “Oh, come on.” But his voice breaks, and for a moment part of me thinks that Luke might cry. Where did that come from?
“I’m headed home.” Now that my legs are working again.
“Ronnie.” He jumps ahead of me on the sidewalk forcing me to stop.
“What?” I widen my eyes. Looking exasperated is better than looking afraid because Luke sees deeper into me than I realized. He sees it all.
“I’m worried about you.” He steps toward me, taking my breath away.
Must get rid of tension. I chuckle. “What are you talking about?”
“You know what I’m talking about.” He holds up my arm. “Is this from him? And your wrist, too?”
The bruise is faint, barely noticeable, but it’s still there. “No.” I push around him and keep walking.
“No.” He jumps in front of me again. “I don’t believe you.” His voice breaks again.
“Sorry.” I push around him again and keep walking. The noise of my heart is like thunder in my ears, blocking out all coherent thoughts, but not Luke’s voice.
“Ronnie, why would you stay with someone who did this to you?” he ple
ads.
I need Luke to keep this quiet. “He’s my soul mate, Luke. I don’t know how else to explain it. Since we were kids. He’s it for me. This angry side of him isn’t him, not really. There’s way more to him than that.” Did I just admit to what I think I did? I’m half freed/half chained more tightly. Someone knows, but he’s not someone who will understand.
“I feel like I just got kicked in the gut.” He starts to reach out for me but I push his hand away. “I want to hug you, hold you, protect you, something.”
I laugh. It’s nervous and full of all sorts of things that aren’t laughter, but it comes out all the same. “It was just this once. He was trying to help me into his car. I know how to deal with him.” I shrug and shuffle my feet on the sidewalk. Maybe if I pretend it’s no big deal, it won’t be a big deal.
“So this is something you know how to deal with ?” Why does his voice have to make this all sound so dramatic?
My heart sinks low. He now knows it wasn’t a one-time thing; although, again, part of me feels like he just sees it all. “Can we please forget this conversation ever happened?”
“No.” He shakes his head.
“Just let me work it out, okay?” I’m ready to beg. To plead. Anything for him to let this go.
Luke rests his hands softly on my shoulders. “Ronnie, you’re a million times better than this. I don’t care what he has going on in his life right now.”
“No, Luke.” My head shakes. “Please, you two are friends, he needs friends. He needs us. It’s…” It’s too much for me to deal with but I love him, and it’s like—if I can help him through this, then I need to.
“You have to promise me you’ll walk away if it ever happens again.” Our faces are close, there’s no way to avoid his troubled gaze, the worry creased in the wrinkles of his forehead, the tautness of his mouth. “And you need to tell someone.”
“No. Please, Luke, don’t tell anyone. It’s not him, it’s not the way he is, it’s just…stress, that’s all. Please.” I don’t even realize we’re touching, but I’m grasping his bicep, hoping my words sink in. It’s Shawn’s dad’s fault, but I can’t tell him that.
His eyes close briefly and a small frown pulls at the corners of his mouth. “You have to promise me.” He inches closer.
“I promise.” I know as soon as the words leave my lips that it’s probably a lie, but it comes out all the same.
His shoulders relax. “Call me if you ever need anything. Ever. Okay? I don’t like this. At all.”
“Thank you, Romeo.” I widen my eyes, trying to tease.
“I’m serious, Ronnie.” His face is tight. “This isn’t funny. Right now I want to go kick his ass and talk to your dad.”
Panic. Can’t breathe. “Please, no! No one else would understand.”
“I don’t understand, Ronnie.” He leans forward until I can feel his warmth, his breath. “And you shouldn’t either.”
My hands drop to my sides. “Okay.” I wish I could try and joke about it with him, but I know he won’t let me. His serious face makes it all more real. He puts his arms around me and holds me on the sidewalk until I lean into him. How is it possible that I’m gaining comfort from him knowing this crazy thing that’s happening? His arms loosen and I reluctantly start to walk next to him, part of me wishing we were still standing together.
I keep my eyes on the ground, unwilling to see whatever Luke’s eyes might hold. I don’t need any more confusion, and I’m certain that’s all looking at him will get me right now. We walk the rest of our three blocks in silence and stop at the end of my driveway.
“Night, Ronnie.” He doesn’t ask, just pulls me into another hug; the kind where I know he won’t let me go until I’m holding him the way he’s holding me. It’s dangerous to hold Luke like this, all wrapped up in his warmth. He’d be way too easy to fall for.
~ 11 ~
My head rests against the window in the back of Dad’s car. At the last minute he rented the house we sometimes use in the summer and declared that our whole family, dopey big brother Ben and all, would head to the beach for Thanksgiving weekend. No one else.
With how tense Shawn has been, and with the way Mindy thinks Luke is looking at me, I need the separation.
That “Angel” song from the nineties version of Romeo and Juliet plays over and over on my iPod. My eyes close and I’m wearing wings, wandering through the crowd looking for Romeo. He finally makes his appearance through the fish tank—as Luke. But I’m allowed to feel all floaty about Luke when I’m thinking about being Juliet. It’s okay.
I feel Ben’s hands push on my feet which rest on the seat between us. “Watch your space.” He smirks. His freckly face and red hair match mine—no mistaking us as anything but siblings.
I stick out my tongue, mostly cause it’s what he expects from me, and push my feet against his thigh. The song starts at the beginning again and I close my eyes. Once again I’m Juliet, wings floating behind me, smiling across the room, heart beating hard, something in me knowing that my life is about to change because of the guy in front of me.
And then I think about Romeo, seeing a girl who he’s ready to do anything for, and not being deterred. Juliet barely pauses when she learns the truth—“my only love sprung from my only hate.” Why does their story have to be so tragic? A smile pulls at my lips. Because it’s a tragedy, stupid.
An ear bud flies out and my eyes snap open. I scowl at Ben who now has it in his ear. His brow wrinkles up.
“Research,” I snap and jerk my ear bud back. Maybe I should listen to something else.
***
When we were twelve, Mindy made this huge blanket and pillow creation for a sleepover. We dubbed it blanketopia, and put it in our notebook. I’ve just completed my own masterpiece in front of the TV despite my extremely full stomach from our Thanksgiving feast.
“Hey, Rhonda!” Only Ben calls me this. And only because he knows it annoys me.
I don’t answer.
“Your boyfriend’s here!” he yells down the stairs.
What? Shawn’s not supposed to be here. I pull my tank down so it touches the top of my pj pants and head upstairs. There has to be some mistake.
I step onto the back porch to see Luke in the driver’s seat of Shawn’s mother’s car. Luke. And Shawn. Why is this happening? I’m not sure what to do.
When our eyes meet, Shawn jumps out of the passenger side. “Surprise babe!” He raises his hands high in the air and stumbles once before catching himself.
Has he been drinking ? Dread seeps into my stomach, and it shouldn’t. I should be thrilled, but it’s just not…it’s just not what I needed this weekend.
I glance at Luke who shrugs as he gets out. “I’m stuck with my dad for the holiday. His house is just a mile south of here, and Shawn called, so…”
“So…you ended up here.” I smile and Shawn comes at me from the side, pressing his face to mine. The smell of beer or whiskey or something hits my nose, and his soft stubble rubs my cheek—definitely drinking.
“There’s a party just up the beach. Put on some cutoffs and join us.” His lips press into my face, and then down my neck as he speaks. “You don’t even have to put on your bra if you don’t want,” he whispers.
Disappointment hits me in a wave, and I still manage to plaster on a smile. But why tonight? And why is he drinking?
Sucks. My dinner is like a rock in my stomach, and blanketopia will have to wait until later.
***
I’m in a tank, a bra, and short shorts. I cut off another two inches from the bottom before leaving. They barely feel like shorts, they’re so small, but I know it’ll appease Shawn, and with how tense things have been, I feel like I have some ground to make up.
Both Dad’s and Shawn’s eyebrows raise as I step upstairs from the basement, but for very different reasons.
“Don’t worry, Dad.” Ben rests his broad arm over my shoulders. “I’ll keep her out of trouble.”
“Right.” Dad
lets out a sigh.
I try not to make eye contact with anyone. Not with Dad’s worried face, or Luke’s apologetic one, or Shawn’s…well, no one would mistake how he’s looking at me, and my dad is probably right to be nervous.
Shawn’s arm is around my back as we walk up the beach; his hand is in my front pocket and he’s caressing my hipbone, pressing his hand to the bottom of my pocket, as close as he can get to between my legs. Seriously, we’re walking with Luke and my brother.
Everyone at the party looks to be about college age, and Ben, despite his promises to my dad, disappears immediately. I’m trying to figure out where all these people came from and why they aren’t lounging around the TV with their family for the holiday.
Shawn begins to rock our bodies to the ear-splitting music, but he’s harsh and it all feels forced. I relax my arms around his neck and try to move with him—anything for us to keep the peace tonight.
My eyes catch Luke’s over Shawn’s shoulder just before a blonde bounces up to him and hands him a beer with a smile. It’s weird to see him smile at her. There’s a pang in my chest, even though I shouldn’t care. It’ll probably be good. I’ve heard nothing more about Aubrey, or any girls for that matter. Maybe Luke getting involved with someone will help keep his Romeo stuff on stage. Or with someone else. That works too. He’s been looking at me way too intently, and I’ve been noticing it way more than I should.
“Come on, Ronnie.” Shawn’s practically grinding us together and I’m just not into it. I ate a huge dinner and was about to rest in my blanketopia.
“Sorry, this is not at all what I had planned,” I yell in his ear.
“But it’s better, right?” he asks.
“Yep.” Only not better. Every part of me begs to go home. To warmth, comfort, aloneness.
Luke’s now dancing with the blonde, his beer in hand. She’s gazing into his eyes with a smile that means she’d probably do anything he asked. A knot forms in my stomach, as I wonder if she’ll be the new girlfriend.