He waves me off as if it’s no big deal. I’d like to do something for him and normally, the guys and I walk up and down the streets of Portland with bags of food feeding the homeless, but with the cafeteria closed there isn’t much I can do. I take my wallet out of my back pocket and open it. There’s a couple hundred in there, which is now his.
“I have to run, but thank you, Mr. Ramsey,” I say as I shake his hand. I don’t know if he can feel the cash being pressed into his palm or not, either way, it’s his.
“Please call me Leo.”
I smile and nod. “Leo. Thank you!”
He calls after me once he realizes what I’ve done, but I don’t stop. He doesn’t need to thank me for anything because what he’s done for me in the little time we’ve spent together, is worth more than anything.
I take the elevator to Kyle’s floor. When I pass the nurse’s station, she hollers out that visiting hours are over. I ignore her. What I have to say won’t take long. I don’t bother knocking when I enter his room. He’s watching television, Sports Center to be exact, and his leg is suspended in the air.
“Westbury?” Of course he looks surprised to see me. He reaches forward to shake my hand, but I don’t budge. His surprised expression quickly morphs into something upsetting. “They’re already replacing me?” Kyle slams his head back onto his pillow and sighs. “I figured they’d at least wait until the morning. You’re here to take my job, huh?”
“No, I’m here because you’ve about killed the woman I’m in love with.” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. I wasn’t intending to tell him that I love Peyton, only that she’s close to me.
Zimmerman’s eyes go wide but quickly turn to confusion. “Aren’t you with some model? I don’t understand.”
“I’m referring to Peyton.”
“Peyton?”
“Yes, the one who you somehow conned to get into your car, then tried to kill.”
Kyle shakes his head. “No. I was taking her out to dinner. I saw her earlier, at the game, and we clicked.”
My jaw clenches. I don’t want to hear that they hit it off. That she would choose him over me. I look down at my wet shoes to avoid eye contact with Kyle. I’m so stupid for not telling her years ago how I felt.
“Can I see her?”
“No!” I blurt out.
“Yeah, my lawyer says the same thing. I didn’t…” he pauses and turns his attention to the window. “That truck came out of nowhere.”
Just like the one that killed her father.
“Please tell her I’m sorry, that I’ll make it up to her. I don’t know how or when, but I will.”
“Right. Well, if she survives I’ll be sure to let her know how sorry you are.” I stand and head toward the door.
“Westbury?” he calls out. “I didn’t know she was seeing someone, let alone you. I’m not the kind of guy who moves in on another man’s woman. I didn’t know. But if she is yours and you’re messing around on her…” he shakes his head. “She seems like too good a woman to have a man treat her like that.”
I don’t bother correcting or telling him that I agree as I leave his room. He doesn’t need to know that I’m battling demons right now. Instead of heading back to Peyton’s floor to spend more time with her, I go back down to the main entrance, hoping that my new friend is there. Luckily for me, he is.
“Why are you still here, Leo?” I’m thankful he is but expected him to be at the nearest diner eating his weight in meatloaf.
He shrugs. “Someone told me that I should wait for you, that you need a friend.”
I look around, wondering if my mom or Elle is outside. “Who?”
“Dunno. Couldn’t get a good look at her, but she told me she loves you and asked that I stay until you came back. So here I am.”
“Yeah, here you are. Why don’t we go inside? The cafeteria isn’t serving food right now, but they have disgusting coffee with our names on it.”
“Sounds good to me,” he says as he gets up and follows me inside. He walks with a slight hunch and shuffles his feet as fast as he can to keep up with my long stride. The receptionist gives me a look, but I ignore her. A hospital is supposed to be a safe haven for people like Leo.
“I’m really glad you were still out there,” I say to him as we enter the elevator.
“Me too. Now I can tell you what’s wrong with your team.” He laughs, and deep down I’m laughing too. It has to be the first time since I heard the news about Peyton, and it feels pretty good.
13
Peyton
In my room, my mom and dad are asleep in the hard plastic chairs. Each of them has an arm across my stomach and they’re holding hands while my sister lies next to me. Quinn is propped up against the wall, staring at me intently. I wish I could ask him what he’s thinking or how he’s feeling, much like I told Noah’s friend to wait for him, but I don’t want to give Quinn false hope that I’m going to make it.
They’re waiting for me to die. They want to be in here so I’m not alone. “She won’t make it through the night.” Those are the words that play on repeat. There are a few who have hope, but I think most are resigned to the fact that I’m not supposed to live.
Death is coming. I can feel it, and I don’t know how to fight it. It would be one thing if death were an inanimate object that I could touch, but it’s not. It’s a pull I’ve been ignoring since the truck slammed into me. I wasn’t ready then, but maybe I am now.
I know I don’t want to die because I would miss everyone, although it’s a thought that I’m finding hard to understand. How will I know? Is everyone guaranteed to keep an eye on his or her family as time goes on? What if I die and never have the ability to see them again?
Out in the hall, it’s quiet for the most part. The other rooms are dark, but you can hear the beeping of machines, notifying all those who are listening that the person in the room is still here. There is one nurse at the large desk, her head is bent and she looks like she’s reading or maybe studying. The other two nurses are moving from room to room, checking the patients. Only three nurses to maintain a section where everyone is likely dying.
It’s odd. Now I can think of a place where I want to be and I’m there. I expect to find a waiting room full of people, but only my aunts Josie and Jenna are there, along with my uncle Jimmy. Everyone is sleeping, but the television is on with no sound. The bright colors of the TV show they are watching casts shadows around the small room.
Josie stirs. She opens her eyes and smiles. Can she see me? Does that mean my time is getting closer to the end? Why isn’t there a rulebook or some manual for us to read so we know what to do? I watch her for a second, studying her features. Her forehead is pinched as if she was dreaming about something bad.
Jenna sleeps on Jimmy as much as the chairs will allow. They can’t be comfortable, yet they both look very peaceful. Every few seconds, Jimmy sighs and adjusts his arms, pulling Jenna closer. When Eden was born, Elle and I were so excited to have a baby around. Eden was the first child we babysat. The age difference meant we could really play with Eden while Jenna ran to the store or Jimmy had band practice. It didn’t matter though because we were always together and had plenty of opportunities to play with her when she was a baby.
It hits me that the next time everyone likely comes together is for the birth of a baby, unless of course, I can’t fight my way back to the living. It’ll probably be Noah’s because he’s going to end up marrying Dessie, and they’ll have children. Maybe it’s good that I won’t be around to witness the birth of his children because I don’t know how I’d take it. I guess I’ll always have my dreams unless those go away when I die.
Elle though, she’s going to make a good mom. She’s always been more caring than me, always wanting to bring in stray cats, saving bugs from an untimely death and volunteering wherever she can. I’m going to miss it though, the day she becomes a mom. Maybe I’ll be able to watch from wherever it is I’m going, and be there when my niece or nephew is
born.
And Quinn. He’d be the best uncle and dad too. He’d teach everyone how to play the guitar, piano and drums. Although for him to have children, he’d actually have to admit to having a girlfriend. All through high school, the girls would come around but they were never anything more than friends according to him. Maybe it’s because Elle and I always made fun of him when a girl would come over to study. It’s what little sisters do, right?
If I could cry, tears would be streaming down my cheeks right now. I’m not ready to die. Up until the accident I had my whole life ahead of me. My dream of reporting from the NFL sideline was happening, and even if it were only for one game, it was still my moment. And Kyle Zimmerman asked me out. I was excited for our dinner date, but when I looked into his eyes… he knew the truck was going to hit me but there wasn’t anything he could do about it. He saw it coming, and so did I. I turned in time see the grill in front of my face. There was nothing stopping the collision.
Missing from the waiting room is my uncle Liam. I thought he would’ve been in to visit me, but he has yet to do so. I shouldn’t be sad about it, Jenna and Jimmy have visited, and Nick and Aubrey aren’t here. Liam’s my uncle and while we may not be related by blood, he’s been there for me since my father passed away. Even though I have Harrison, Liam is different. He’s the one connection I have to my dad when it came to our love of football.
I start to search the halls, thinking about him, hoping that if I do, I’ll somehow find where he is. There are so many voices saying my name, though. It’s hard to tell who is alive and who may be trying to get me to follow them toward the path of least resistance. That’s what I’m going to call it because I don’t want to go there. I feel like I’m back in school and my guidance counselor is talking to me about peer pressure. How it’s easy to fall into the trap of drugs and alcohol if someone you like is doing it as well. The speech fell on deaf ears. I grew up in Beaumont. Drinking at the water tower is a rite of passage, even one Harrison understood.
I find myself staring at the chapel. The door is slightly ajar, making the voice easier to hear. My name is said, and I step inside. The only light in the room comes from the various candles that are burning, and even with his back to me, I know it’s my uncle. He’s on his knees, praying, doing something I’ve never seen him do before. I slip into the pews behind him, knowing I shouldn’t eavesdrop, but I can’t help it. I want to see him. I’ve missed him and was so excited to tell him about the assignment, and I want the chance to tell him about the game.
“I let you down, my brother. I told you I’d protect your daughters and I feel like I’ve failed,” Liam says. “The girls… oh, how I wish you could see them. They’re beautiful and smart. They’re kind and humble. Peyton… she’s a special girl, Mason. I don’t know if you can hear me, but if you’re with her, tell her to fight. I have no doubt in my mind you miss her, but we love her and need her here. We’re not ready to let her go.”
“I don’t want to go either, Uncle Liam, but I don’t know how to stay and fight. No one is helping me. They keep calling my name and it’s like I’m being pulled to them.”
Liam sighs and takes a seat next to me. I lean into him, but can’t feel his presence. What I wouldn’t give to be held, by anyone, one more time. To feel the warmth of their body press against mine, to hear their heartbeat sound in my ear as I rest my cheek on their chest. Liam has always told me that if he likes you, he hugs you with one arm, and two means he loves you. From the day I met him, it’s always been two. His love for me has never wavered.
“Do you remember the first time we met?” I ask, knowing full well he can’t hear me. “You sat next to me at my father’s funeral and promised to watch football with me. Every weekend, for as long as I can remember, and you were home, we would make party food and invite whoever wanted to watch over to your house. Most of the time it was only us, and it was perfect. I have learned so much from you, not only where the game is concerned, but about life and my father. Hearing stories about you and him, growing up, it made me feel like I knew him better.”
“Oh Peyton,” Liam says, his voice shuddering. “You gotta pull through this, baby girl. Losing you will destroy everyone.” He bends over and continues to sob. I can’t comfort him the way Josie or Noah can. He would at least tell his dad that he’s encouraging me to fight and not giving up. It’s the others who are choosing to listen to the doctor, who I might add hasn’t come back to check on me.
Liam gets up and kneels at the altar again. “I’m not ready to say goodbye to her.”
I gasp and quickly cover my mouth as my father appears next to Liam. He’s kneeling down, with his arm draped across his back and his head resting on his shoulder. After a long beat, he turns, making eye contact with him. My father looks the same as he does in the picture I have on my bedside table, the one with his infectious smile.
“Daddy…” I whisper as I rush to him. He meets me half way and pulls me into his arms. I wish I could feel him. I wish we were both alive and able to hold each other. I have long forgotten what it feels like to be held by him.
“You’re so beautiful and grown up.”
I laugh, but it sounds more like a cry. “And you… you look like the man I remember.”
“That’s because I am. Call it a luxury.”
He sits us down, keeping his arm resting on my shoulder. He nods toward Liam. “He feels guilty.”
“Why?”
“Because he’s afraid to go see you, afraid that he’s let me down.”
“Has he?”
My father shakes his head. “Never. There was a time, back when we were teens, but I long forgave him. I don’t blame him for what he did, only wish he had confided in me before he had done it or kept in touch.”
“Things would’ve been different. You could’ve--”
“That accident was going to happen whether Liam was home or not. Thing is, he could’ve easily been in the truck with me. And then where would everyone be?”
His question gives me pause. It’s almost as if Liam leaving Josie has been the catalyst for our lives. Who knows what would have happened if he didn’t leave, where would he be right now? Or if he took Josie with him, would we have Harrison?
“Everything happens for a reason,” I mutter.
“It does. But now, you have a decision to make, Peyton. You can come with me or stay.”
“What if I want both? What if I need both?”
My father presses his lips to my forehead and sighs. “It’s only a decision you can make, but know this. I’m always here, watching over you and your sister. Missing you every day. I can’t always make my presence known, but when I do, know it’s me holding your hand or giving you a hug.”
“If I stay, how will I know you’re there with me?”
“The wind will blow around when you least expect it. The sun may shine on you brighter than it had before. A door will open when you least expect it and one will close when you need it to.”
The last time I felt a random gust of wind was my graduation day. Elle’s and my gowns went flying as we crossed the stage to receive our diplomas. I never thought it was my father doing that.
“If I go, will you be there to meet me? To make sure I get to wherever it is I’m supposed to be?”
“I wouldn’t have it any other way, Peyton.”
I open my mouth to thank him, but Noah’s voice interrupts me when he calls out for Liam.
“Dad,” he says.
“I thought now would be a good time to have that talk.”
I turn back to my father, but he’s already gone. Part of me is thankful that he won’t be sitting here, listening to Liam and Noah discuss my prom night, but knowing that my father’s here… well, I don’t like that either.
14
Noah
The scenery of downtown Portland passes by in a blur. I haven’t been able to focus on anything since I left Chicago. Leaving Peyton, lying there and still unresponsive, was the hardest thing I’ve ever had
to do. In fact, I don’t even know if I’ll stay in Portland. I know I made a commitment to the team, but my head is not in the game right now. Not when my heart is thousands of miles away, begging the one I’m in love with to stay with us.
When she made it through the first night, I thought for sure she was going to wake up. Her vitals improved, and finally, everyone jumped on my train and started encouraging her to open her eyes. She hadn’t by the time Tuesday afternoon rolled around and I was left with the decision to get fined by the team or head back home. I figure if I tell the coach what’s going on, he’ll understand and let me skip practice because like my friend Leo says, “it’s only practice.” And as much as I wanted to agree with Leo, we need the practice.
I was in two minds when I arrived back in Portland. Go directly to my coach’s house or go home. Neither seemed pleasant, but I chose the latter and now that I’m standing in front of the door to the apartment I share with Dessie, I’m preparing for the worst. I deserve whatever I’m about to walk into. I’ve ignored her for the past few days, choosing to focus on Peyton instead. No one, except for maybe my father now, understands my feelings for her.
I find my dad kneeling in front of the altar, praying. We’re not religious by any means and have spent our Sunday’s praying in front of the television by watching football. But it seems that you become so when a loved one is suffering.
Searching him out to discuss what he heard isn’t my idea of a good time, but while we were drinking the nasty coffee downstairs, Leo said something about how we should never leave doubt or speculation when it comes to a loved one. His words hit home hard. I’ve always been honest with my dad about everything, except when it comes to Peyton because I fear his reaction. I wasn’t honest with her, even though I’ve had plenty times where I could’ve been and now I may never get the chance to tell her exactly how I feel.
“Dad?” I feel horrible for interrupting him. He has his own demons he’s been dealing with for years, and I imagine being alone in a chapel is what he needs. Even though he wasn’t here when Mason died, he carries a tremendous amount of guilt over his best friends death.
Holding Onto Forever (The Beaumont Series: Next Generation Book 1) Page 9