She was weary from the clouds which kept rolling in bringing heavy, wet snow—it didn’t help her melancholy state. It had been five years since Emma passed away and the sorrow in her heart lingered. The image of Emma lying crumpled on the floor haunted her continuously.
Rayne became aware of the tears that had rolled down her cheeks and realized her coffee had grown cold. With frustration, she swiped at her eyes, and poured some hot coffee in her cup. She needed to find a way to get out of the mood that was taking over her mind. She walked to the storage room that sat off the kitchen, found a small block of wood, grabbed her whittling knife, and went back to the chair and sat. It didn’t take her long to begin shaving wood away. Her mind became lost in its own world as her hands worked of their own accord. After some time, Rayne shook her head as she came back from wherever her mind had gone. Looking down she saw a beautiful carving of a wolf standing guard in her hand.
“How the heck did that happen?”
Rayne walked over to the mantel and placed the wolf next to four similar ones. Once a year, since Emma had passed, she had gone into some sort of trance, only to waken and find a carving of a wolf in her hands. Each carving had appeared in the same manner. She stared thoughtfully at the collection and realized it was a family of wolves with the leader now standing guard. Rayne felt that the guarding wolf was also watching over her and a sense of calm enveloped her. She walked toward the door, put on her coat and hat and went outside.
As if coming out of another trance, Rayne found herself at Emma’s grave even though with the new layer of snow, it was hard to find the exact spot. Rayne’s instinct and physical reaction told her when she was close. At the gravesite was the only time her heart felt at ease—peaceful—with that terrible ache gone. With her gloved hand, she brushed some snow away before she laid on the ground. She didn’t pay attention to the wet or the cold, she just wanted to enjoy that the pain in her heart had stopped for a few moments.
“Emma, why? Why did you have to leave me? It’s been five years, and I keep asking you the same question and I never get an answer. Did you know you were that ill? Did you ever consider what would happen to me?” she whispered.
She had always asked the same questions with each visit during the past five years.
Emma had never answered. Until today.
“You will love again, sweetheart. You will be just fine,” a faint voice said.
With a start, Rayne jumped to her feet, looking to see where the voice had originated from. “Emma?”
No, it can’t be Emma…I buried her.
“Oh, God, what’s happening? I think I’m finally losing my mind,” she moaned.
A faint voice whispered to her. “No, my love, you aren’t, just trust me.”
Rayne felt a slight breeze and then calmness fell over the area again.
How can everything be so calm when my soul is in such torment? she thought.
“What the hell was that?” Rayne muttered as she looked around again, still not seeing anyone or anything. Her eyes searched the snow-covered ground and she saw only one set of footprints in the snow and they belonged to her.
“Oh, come on, Rayne. You can’t honestly think someone is up here with you. Do you?”
“That is Emma’s voice.” She looked down at the ground again, willing answers to appear. With her heart and her mind fighting, she turned away and ran as fast as she could through the snow to her home.
Not knowing what else to do, she saddled Samson and led the big bay out the barn door, mounted him, and headed toward town, despite the deep snow. She didn’t think about it, didn’t examine her actions, not that she would have, being in the state of mind she was in. It was unlike her to just head off without thought of the rest of the animals, but then again it wasn’t everyday she heard Em’s voice.
Chapter Three
The saloon was quiet when Rayne walked in, the usual faces at their regular tables playing cards, trying to either cheat or bluff their way to a big pot at the end of the game. Those caught cheating were tossed out if they were lucky; the unlucky ones had best pray they were faster at the draw than those they were cheating.
As she strolled farther inside, Rayne searched the room for any likely troublemakers. Several men shouted their hellos as she entered. A couple men that were either new in town or just passing through and were stuck by the snow watched her cautiously. They were probably unaccustomed to seeing a woman—one who didn’t work upstairs— in a saloon but were quickly silenced by the other men who were Rayne’s friends.
“Howdy, Rayne, didn’t I see you in town earlier in the week? Why are you back? Are things okay out at the spread?” Sheriff Tom Kennedy asked.
“Yup, everything is good. I just couldn’t stand the quiet anymore and being stuck in the house, you know? So I thought I’d take Samson for a ride and we ended up here. How’s Sally doing?” Rayne answered.
“She is doin’ fine. Sure do wish that young’un would hurry up though,” Tom said. Sally and Tom were expecting their first child, and pride showed on his face. He studied her and his smile disappeared. “You sure everything is okay? You don’t look too good.”
“Well, thanks for the compliment, Tom.”
“You know that’s not what I mean.”
With a big smile, Rayne slapped him on the back. “Just joshing you, Tom. Being stuck in the house all winter isn’t much fun. Now you having a baby, that calls for a celebration. Hank, give me two shots of the good stuff.”
“Comin’ right up, Rayne.” The bartender and owner, Hank, was a good friend of Rayne’s. He had become her strongest supporter the night she punched that jackass Jeremiah Sprigs in the face. And later, after he had violated Emma and she shot him dead in this very saloon, Hank was there for her then, too. Soon, two shot glasses appeared in front of Rayne and Tom, and Rayne felt a soft hand on her back. As she turned, she saw the hand belonged to Grace Walters, one of the women that took care of Rayne from time to time. With a smile, Grace reached around Rayne, took the drink from her hand, and downed it.
“Thank you for the drink, Rayne. Come find me when you and our handsome sheriff here are done talking.” Grace’s voice was velvety and husky at the same time. It was a voice that made the men, as well as Rayne, forget what they were doing. The smile on Grace’s lips as she turned said she knew the effect she had on them and that she enjoyed it. With a nice little shake of her backside, she walked away, leaving the three staring at her trying to remember how to breathe.
Tom was the first to regain his thinking, and he had an inkling of what Grace wanted with Rayne. With a huge smile on his face, Tom cleared his throat. “Well okay. Hank, we need another shot of whiskey. Then it looks like Rayne, here, is needed elsewhere.”
Rayne turned red and the two men laughed.
Hank couldn’t just leave it alone either. He had to tease his friend even more. “So, Rayne, just what is it that you do to all these gals that just makes ‘em go nuts?”
Rayne turned and with a smile, looked at both Tom and Hank. “Well, Hank, I take them upstairs and I tell ‘em how beautiful they are and then I just kinda use my tongue and fingers like,” when she saw she had their full attention, she wiggled her fingers.
“You all really want to see how I use them? You might not be able to find a woman willing to let you see how it works, and Tom, I’d imagine Sally would be right mad at you if you did. But let me tell you, if you do you’re in for a wild ride. Hank, you sure you wanna know?”
Both men nodded, ignoring her teasing; they wanted to know her secret.
“Well, okay then. I will tell you but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
Rayne put her thumbs to the sides of her ears and wiggled her fingers while sticking her tongue out at them. “That, boys, is how I get ’em.”
Rayne broke out into a deep laugh at the two who stood next to her with stupid looks on their faces. “That’ll teach ya’ll to have dirty minds. Don’t you know a gentleman never kisses and tells?”
†
Once upstairs in Grace’s room, Grace closed the door and Rayne’s mouth descended on hers hard. Rayne’s body pushed Grace against the door. Her hands gripped Grace’s waist, and Grace’s hands wrapped in Rayne’s long black hair as she accepted the devouring kiss.
Soon her hands worked on the buttons of Rayne’s shirt and pants as, all the while, Rayne worked on getting the dress off Grace’s body. With fingers that weren’t cooperating, she grunted and just yanked the skirt up and let her hand feel the hot flesh beneath. As Rayne’s fingers made contact with Grace’s thigh, Grace let out a gasp and bit Rayne’s neck. Rayne growled and picked Grace up in one swift motion. With Grace in her arms and her legs wrapped around Rayne’s strong hips, Rayne made her way to the bed and together the two tumbled down. Grace was on her back with Rayne between her thighs.
Neither woman cared that not all their clothes were off. With her pants undone but not off Rayne thrust her hips against Grace who arched up to meet her thrusts. The buttons of her pants were hitting against Grace’s hardening clit and Rayne knew she liked that.
Grace arched higher as her fingernails dug into Rayne’s back. “God, Rayne, I want you,” she whispered.
Rayne couldn’t hold on to her control much longer. Her breathing was getting harsher and after some time, their groans of pleasure grew loud.
The orgasm left Rayne shaking and trembling. She collapsed on top of Grace and found they were both hot, dripping sweat and still half clothed. Grace gently kissed the side of Rayne’s face. “I’ve missed you, what took you so long?”
With a groan, Rayne rolled off Grace. “Just been busy, you know? I’m sorry. I know it’s been a while.”
“Rayne, I don’t want you to be sorry. I want you to come around more because you want to. Don’t you understand?”
“Yeah, Grace, I understand but I’ve told you it ain’t gonna happen. There will never be a place for another in my heart or my home.”
“You know, I don’t even care if it’s me or not, Rayne. You need someone. Emma wouldn’t want you to live like you are.”
“Don’t!” Rayne said, her voice shaking. “How do you know what Emma would want?”
“I know because she was my friend and she loved you,” Grace shot back.
“Damn it! Why do we have to do this every time I come in?”
“I don’t want to do this every time you come in. I also don’t want you to feel guilty every single time we do this, yet you do. I don’t want you to insult me by leaving money every time you leave, and yet you do. You live your life out in that damn house torturing yourself and blaming yourself for Emma’s death and it’s not your fault,” Grace continued.
Rayne had heard enough and was quickly trying to button her pants and shirt before the tears fell. That was a battle she was quickly losing. With her pants buttoned, she headed for the door.
Grace beat her to it.
“No, not this time. This time you’re going to listen to every word I have to say,” Grace said quietly, but with determination.
“No, I’m not,” Rayne clenched her teeth.
“Yes, you are. Goddamn it, Rayne. Why the hell do you do this? Why do you pretend to not care or feel? You’re human, Rayne. I know it and so do Hank, Tom, and Teresa. We know you loved Emma and we know Emma adored you. But Emma is gone. You aren’t. Like it or not, Rayne, you are still in the world of the living, though God knows you try hard enough to deny it.”
Grace stopped and took a deep a breath. “Do you think we don’t see the spark in you that just refuses to give up and die? Do you think that if you didn’t want to live, you’d figure out a way to stop living? Rayne, food, human companionship, sex are all basic needs and you, whether you want to see it or not, do continue to seek them out. Like it or not, I love you. Teresa loves you, we are just two of the few you have allowed to stay in your life, and you come to us when you need love, emotional or physical. Why do you continue to insult us by leaving money? Do you think we want payment for what we do for you? No, we don’t. In fact, here.”
She pulled open a drawer and pulled out a cigar box. “Here is all the money you leave on the table every time you’ve been with me.” Grace threw a handful of the money at Rayne. “Teresa has just as much from you as well. We each loved Emma and we each love you. We are tired of you treating us like whores. We may sell it to everyone else, but what we do with you is because we want to.”
Grace moved away from the door. “You can leave now, Rayne, I suppose I, or one of the other girls, will see you when the need arises again.” Grace walked away from the door. With tears brimming in her eyes, she stood by the window and looked out.
“I don’t want to leave,” Rayne whispered. “Gracie, I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“I can’t help you figure that out anymore, Rayne. It hurts too much.”
“Gracie, please?” Rayne barely whispered as she walked up behind Grace and wrapped her arms around the woman.
Grace stood stoically until she finally turned and wrapped her arms around Rayne and held her close.
Rayne finally let her tears fall.
“My poor Rayne, have you ever just let it all out, baby? Have you truly grieved in the past five years?”
Rayne shook with deep, sobbing cries. Grace moved them to the bed and held her tightly as Rayne finally let the years of pain out. Eventually her body, which she had held so rigid, let go of it all and she collapsed from exhaustion. For the first time in five years, Rayne slept the night through. Grace stood watch with love in her heart and eyes, along with sadness at the knowledge that this was as close as Rayne would ever get to letting her in.
As the sun rose the next morning, Rayne snuggled closer to the body that lay next to her. She felt safe and warm. With a start her eyes flew open, only relaxing when she remembered it was Grace’s arms. Then all the memories came crashing back, and she was embarrassed by the tears that fell the night before. She carefully moved out of the arms that held her and, making sure not to wake Grace, she made her way out of the room. She had a fleeting thought of leaving money then she remembered Grace’s words and walked on down the hall, down the stairs, and straight out of the bar. She never looked back—if she had she would have seen Grace standing in the window.
†
The morning air was cold and crisp against Rayne’s face as she made her way to Bessie’s dining room in the bottom level of the hotel. As she walked in, Bessie looked up, smiled, and gave Rayne a warm, welcoming hug. Once she led Rayne to the table, she went to get coffee, steak, and eggs—Rayne’s usual breakfast when she was in town.
With her breakfast in front of her, Rayne dug in. Thoughts of what had happened the night before went through her mind. Grace was right; she had stopped living the day she lost Emma. But Emma had been her world, she didn’t know when or how it happened, she just knew that it did, and when Em died, her world came to an end and she didn’t know how to do anything other than just go through the motions of living a life.
“Okay, so the question is…how do I start living again?” she asked herself quietly.
Bessie came and sat down with her when there was a lull in business. “How’ve you been, Rayne, sweetie? I didn’t get much of a chance to talk with you yesterday.” Bessie frowned. “You’re lookin’ kind of peaked. Is somethin’ wrong?”
Rayne smiled. Bessie had a way about her that made everyone feel warm and loved. Hell, she was like the town’s mother to anyone who needed one. Bessie seemed to always know when she was needed.
“What’s with you and Tom and all your questions?” Rayne blew out a breath. “I’m okay and nothing is wrong. I got tired of the cabin and all the snow so decided to come into town.”
Bessie eyed Rayne. “Well, okay, if you say so. You need to get out in the sun more…if it ever shines again.”
Rayne laughed. “Hey, I had one of my cows calve and I named the little guy Beau. He’s doing well. How are things here in town?”
“Slow. I think everyone is tired of the snow and ready for spring.”
Other people started coming in and Bessie rose. “Looks like I need to tend to business. I’ll see you next time you’re in town.”
Rayne finished her coffee then got up to leave. She gave Bessie a hug, paid her bill, and left.
Rayne headed for the stable to pay for Samson’s stay then went to the mercantile with her saddlebags in hand to pack with coffee and salt pork so she wouldn’t need to come to town for several weeks. She walked outside, strapped the bags to her saddle, and then led Samson to the hitching post outside the bar. She decided that she couldn’t just leave town without saying goodbye to Grace, which was something she never would have considered doing before today. She hobbled Samson to the post and walked back into the bar.
Hank was wiping down the counter and the few cowboys with nothing to do were hanging around a few tables looking for anyone to play a few hands of poker with.
One hollered to Rayne. “Hey, Rayne. Come play a few hands, I need a challenge.”
Rayne just waved and hollered back. “Not today, Frank, I need to get back to the place, take care of the animals.”
“Well, hell, aren’t you heading the wrong way then? Purty sure them animals ain’t in Grace’s room.”
Everyone in the bar let out a round of hearty laughter.
Rayne just smiled. “Hey, you never know,” she said flippantly before she headed up the stairs.
Rayne knocked softly at the door and waited until Grace opened it. With her hat in her hand she looked down at her boots. “I, uh,” she stammered. “I just wanted to thank you for last night.”
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