“Emma had a hard time letting me look at her or touch her for a while after that. She said she had to make things right in her head first. I saw the trouble she had doing that. Now, granted, things aren’t quite the same here, but it’s still something you gotta make right in your head, and I understand. It takes gumption and I know you got plenty of that. I just want you to know that I understand and I’ll do whatever you need me to do to help you through this.”
You did good telling her our story, love, I know it wasn’t easy.
Bastard, I shoulda killed him long before that day.
Emma piped in. You’re not a killer, you wouldn’t have been able to live with yourself had you done it that way, heck, you barely lived with yourself the way things are.
Still, things would have been so much simpler had I done it the first time the bastard challenged me.
“Rayne, did Emma…how long did it take her to let her love you in that way?” Lisbet asked.
Rayne, brought out of her conversation with Emma, gave Lisbet a serious look. “It was a while, said she didn’t want me to feel like she was used goods. Hell, how could I feel that? It wasn’t her choice for the bastard to do what he done.”
“I think I can understand that,” Lisbet replied.
Easy there, don’t go getting all worked up again.
It’s hard not to, you didn’t do anything wrong. I feel like he robbed us of months, and I wish I could kill the bastard again.
He is where he belongs and you are where you belong, doing what you are supposed to be doing. You need to let it go and concentrate on helping Lisbet through all of this.
I know.
†
“Lisbet, you all right? What are you thinking?” Rayne watched the young woman stare off into the fire.
Rayne had paid close attention to Lisbet from the moment they walked back into the ranch house, and she could tell from her actions that Lisbet was having trouble. Not that she could blame her, hell, she had a hard time looking toward the bedroom door herself. It wasn’t just the memory of the recent puddle of blood that bothered her; it was more the thought of Dobson’s hands on Lisbet.
The young blonde who so resembled Emma, drew her eyes from the fire and stared at Rayne. She had a faint smile touching her lips. “I suppose so, just—it’s hard knowing a man is dead because of me.”
“Not because of you, because of him. His actions brought him to this outcome not you.”
“You’re right, but he’s dead. Don’t you feel some sense of—grief, responsibility for that?” Lisbet asked as she tried to make sense of her thoughts and feelings.
Rayne could feel that she was becoming agitated so she stood and walked to the fireplace. “If you’re asking if I’m sorry that he’s dead the answer is no. If you’re asking if I’m sorry it was me that killed him, the answer is yes. Fact is, he would have wound up dead anyway—of that I’m sure. He wasn’t right in the head and he paid for it. Now, because of that, I gotta live with the knowledge that I took his life. But don’t think for an instant that I wouldn’t do it again.”
She shoved her hands in the pockets of her trousers. “Lisbet, I ain’t used to killing and I don’t like that I had to take a human life, but I don’t like what he intended to do to you more.”
Rayne you have to let it go. She isn’t me and this isn’t then. You stopped him and saved her from the same humiliation I had to suffer through. Let it go….
Rayne heard the soft whisper in her ear. I know…I know.
Rayne turned to face Lisbet. “We’ll get through this, and I promise it will get easier to deal with.”
Chapter Eleven
The next few weeks Lisbet and Rayne worked side by side taking care of the animals, and the house. All the time they were talking and working through the events that had ended a life.
Lisbet spent those weeks thinking about relationships, which up till now she had never considered much. She had been much too busy trying to survive and keep from getting caught for either sleeping in someone’s barn or stealing biscuits from saddlebags. She never considered the fact that she wasn’t attracted to men until now. She never considered the attraction to women either. Now, she thought back on the few women in her life that she had been attracted to. She never acted on that attraction and wondered if she had made a mistake. Had she missed opportunities to learn something? Were they like the wonderful woman she stayed with now? Did they like women in that way? Rayne certainly wasn’t the only one that did. With all those thoughts filling her mind, she felt like she would go mad. Finally, one day, she decided enough was enough and she talked to Rayne.
“I figure it’s different for everyone, I mean I always knew men weren’t in my future. I couldn’t imagine answering to some man who treated me like his property, I had enough of that with my father, and I wasn’t gonna live the rest of my life like that.” Rayne said in answer to questions Lisbet had asked. “Women have just always had this appeal to me and nothing in men equals it. You ever watch a woman walk? There’s this grace and elegance, a natural flow that shows in each step.” Rayne smiled at Lisbet. “Sorry, I think I got carried away there.”
“No, not at all, I know what you’re talking about. I just always felt embarrassed for anyone to know I felt that way so I did nothing about it…now I’m kinda sorry I didn’t at least try talking to some of those women. Of course, I suspect that I’d have probably ended up slapped or kicked outta town.”
“Funny thing is, most of the time you can tell which women are receptive to the attention and which aren’t…at least it’s always been the case for me.”
“Do you…can you tell that with me?” Lisbet wanted to know and yet was afraid of the answer.
“You’re a hard one. Sometimes I think yes other times no. I don’t quite get you. What do you think?”
“Again, I think I missed a lot of things by not acting on my feelings, and, again, I probably was wrong with thinking any of them women would have been interested,”
“Don’t do that.”
“Do what, say that I’m crazy for thinking any of the women I’ve thought of in that way have or would have thought the same of me? Why not? It’s logical. I don’t know the first thing about loving a woman, or even a man for that matter, and at this rate I’ll probably never learn. I know when we kissed, I liked the feel of it. I felt my body react in a way it never had.”
Rayne smiled. “Yeah, I liked kissing you too. If you hadn’t stopped me…” Rayne shrugged. “You’ll figure it out. Maybe if you were in town you would have more of a chance to find opportunity. I don’t want you to go or anything but…maybe you will find your answers there.” Rayne felt her stomach flip and an ache she hadn’t expected in her heart.
“Rayne…” Lisbet felt her cheeks warming. “Would you show me what I’ve missed?”
Rayne, taken aback by the request, didn’t know how to respond and found herself stumbling over her thoughts and the words that refused to come out of her mouth. Then she heard Emma’s soft voice in her head.
Calm down and do exactly what you are meant to do, which is to join her and live out your days with her.
How do I know that’s what I’m supposed to do…just because you’re telling me to? Sorry but that’s a lot to just accept and I’m having trouble believing that.
Don’t think, Rayne. That’s your problem—you think too much and you don’t feel enough.”
Because of what she said, Lisbet immediately felt self-conscious and turned to leave the room before Rayne could decline and embarrass her any more.
“Wait, where are you going?”
“I…I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that and I’m sorry. Please forget I said anything. I need to go make sure the chickens are fed,” Lisbet started for the door and her escape.
“They are fine,” Rayne said as she walked toward the blond, her heart racing and pulse pounding in her ears. “I would be honored to show you what loving a woman is like, if you’re sure about it.”
“Do you have any idea how many times I’ve wanted to kiss you since that night?” Rayne spoke softly as her hand reached up and gently cupped Lisbet’s face before she dropped her lips to Lisbet’s.
†
Rayne’s first kiss was heaven. It was soft and tender, sweet and filled with the promise of a held back passion. A promise that allowed Lisbet to finally relax and enjoy the feel of Rayne’s strong arms wrapped around her. For Lisbet, it was as if the entire world finally made sense. She felt alive the moment Rayne’s mouth touched hers. Her knees went weak and she felt Rayne’s strong arms tighten around her to hold her up
Drawing away from the soft, warm lips, Rayne found it hard to think or even concentrate and the only thing she wanted was to kiss Lisbet again.
Lisbet, finding it hard to breath, didn’t want Rayne to pull away and reached up and snaked her arm around the taller woman and pulled her down for another kiss. Rayne didn’t fight. When the two finally did pull away their hearts were pounding, their pulses raced, and they both had trouble catching their breath. All they wanted to do was feel their lips touch again.
“Wow, I never knew a kiss could do that to a body!” Lisbet exclaimed.
“Only when it’s right.” Rayne smiled her devilish smile. Deep inside she couldn’t remember the last time a kiss affected her in such a manner.
No, that wasn’t true, she knew exactly when it was, and she felt guilty for it.
Rayne, stop thinking of me, this is her time. I’m leaving you for now. Enjoy her, take your time.
No…I mean. I don’t want you to go, I mean…Emma?” Rayne’s mind shouted, as it raced. She didn’t want to be alone with this woman who brought back thoughts she had thought were long gone and buried. How am I gonna deal with these emotions now?
“Rayne…are you all right?” Lisbet asked as she watched the play of emotions on Rayne’s face.
Oh, God, please don’t let her have changed her mind, please don’t let that kiss have been a mistake.
Turning away from Rayne, Lisbet cast her eyes on the floor. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have…I’m sorry.…”
“Lisbet, there is nothing to be sorry about, I…it’s been a long time since I’ve felt the things I’m feeling with you and honestly, it’s scaring me. That doesn’t mean I’m sorry for having kissed you or for wanting more. And yes, I do want a lot more and yet I don’t want to rush you or make you feel uncomfortable,” Rayne walked and stood behind Lisbet before softly placing her hands on Lisbet’s shoulders and placing her face in her soft hair.
“Rayne, you aren’t rushing me or making me feel uncomfortable, and you aren’t the only one who’s scared of the things they are feeling. At times I’m so scared I can’t think straight, and others I’m afraid that the things I want will never happen,” Lisbet said as she turned to face Rayne.
“So you’re saying you want to take this….” Rayne motioned her hands in a circular motion between them. “Further?”
“Well if you want to…I don’t mean to add pressure on you. I know you’re dealing with something and you don’t want to talk about it but, Rayne, honestly, you’re all I can think of. I wonder what you’re doing when you aren’t in here, I wonder what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling…I even wonder if you’re thinking of me. I know you haven’t given me any reason to think you might feel the same until now but…oh, God, I’m sorry. I’m rambling on like a fool.”
“Lisbet, relax, I think I pretty much told you how I feel with that kiss but if I didn’t let me tell you now. I can’t stop thinking about you either. I’ve wondered how you’d feel in my arm, and if your lips are as sweet as I’d imagined…and they are. And you feel amazing in my arms. Truth is, for years, the only woman I wanted to hold was Emma. I’ve had issues with that lately, I don’t want to betray her and I am dealing with the fact that I haven’t since she’s been dead— for the past five years. I never felt that way the times I was with Grace or one of the other girls,” Rayne explained.
Lisbet couldn’t help the flash of jealousy that ripped through her. Rayne touching someone else didn’t set well with her. Yes, she knew about Emma and was all right with that, she wasn’t going to compete with a ghost, but the others…they were real and alive. She didn’t like that thought at all.
“I need to tell you about Emma. I know in my heart that she wants this for me,” she motioned between the two of them. “For us…but first you have to understand….”
“Emma brought a new world to my desolate life. After she’d been with me for a while, she told me that never before could she have imagined a life the way it was with me. She said she didn’t think she would or could be so loved and feel as protected as she did with me.”
Rayne looked away and swiped at her eyes then turned and gazed at Lisbet. “She was my everything until that day….”
“The afternoon heat was bearing down on me and the only thing I wanted was a cold drink of water. I wiped my forehead then reached for my canteen and was both irritated and happy when I found it empty. That morning had been blistering hot so I drank a lot of water.”
Rayne’s lips curved into a smile. “I knew that it meant I could go back the house and see Emma. The fact that I would lose some time that would be better suited doing the work that needed doing in the field irritated me. All the same, the pull of Emma was irresistible.
“I unhitched the plow and eagerly jumped on Delilah’s bare back and headed toward home. The whole way, the thought of the surprise on Emma’s face made me grin. Emma always made me feel love and acceptance for who I was. I had long before stopped caring what others thought…and that attitude didn’t always make life easy. I had made my way but was always alone until Em came into my life—then the loneliness disappeared. I truly felt I had a home that warmed my heart and soul with Emma in my life.
“I remember walking into the house with a smile, happy to be alive and eager to see Emma. My l mood disappeared and turned to fear when I saw Emma lying on the floor unconscious. I went to her and fell to my knees asking her what was wrong. Emma’s face was burning up. She kept gasping for air but she was still breathing and I took that as a good sign. I knew I didn’t have much time to get her to town and the doctor but I somehow got her there praying the whole time that I’d get her there in time. I kept telling her to hold on for me…for us.
“It was all a blur to me. I knew that the ride to town was too long but I held onto Emma and prayed as I hadn’t prayed in a long time. All the time I was asking myself if there was something I had missed. I remember Emma had made breakfast that day like always and handed me a sack of biscuits and sent me on my way.”
Her eyes sought out Lisbet’s. “She never said anything about not feeling well. If she had, I would have stayed home or taken her to Doc’s place immediately.”
“I kicked Delilah saying faster, Delilah, you gotta go faster. I hugged Emma close and could feel the heat radiating off her body. By then I was crying. Telling her that I couldn’t live without her; that there’s so much to be done to the house just like we planned. A bigger kitchen, another bedroom, and that big porch she talked about. I kissed the top of Emma’s head, pleading with her to stay with me.
“Finally we got to Doc’s office and I screamed for him to come and help. I pleaded with her to stay with me as the doc was by my side asking me what was wrong. I told him I came in from the field to surprise her and found her lying on the floor. She’s burning up with fever and I can’t wake her up.
“I held her in my arms and quickly followed the doc inside. He told me to stay put and he’d look her over. I told him no. That I’d be going in with him. Out of nowhere, Bessie was telling me to let him do his work. I realized she was right…there was nothing more I could do but wait.”
Rayne’s face was stone cold as she told the story. “The wait wasn’t long. Doc came back out almost immediately with a look that I’ll never forget—Emma was dead. Oh, he said he was
sorry and told me she probably passed somewhere between the ranch and town. He also said he had no idea why. He was a doctor for God’s sake. Why didn’t he know? Why couldn’t he save her? I think he rambled on but I stopped listening after I’m sorry Rayne, she’s gone. My world stopped then and there.”
Rayne rubbed her neck and then her forehead before looking at Lisbet and wiping the tears from Lisbet’s cheeks. “It was Bessie who got me through the next few days. Although I told her no, she arranged with John Hopkins, the undertaker, for the burial. I wanted to be the one who dressed her and placed her in her final resting place, not some stranger. But Bessie said let me help you and I had no more fight left in me. My world was crashing down around me. I did however insist on digging the hole myself. Before leaving the doc’s place, I went into the room where Emma was laying and closed the door. I sat there a long time just holding her cold hand asking her how I was gonna keep going on.
“When I finally left, I told Bessie I’d go back to the farm and get her good dress then I’d dig the hole while John got her ready.
“I remember that the whole time I dug her grave I cursed and kicked at the dirt, all the while wiping the tears from my eyes.” Rayne looked at the floor, remembering the anger and pain that had fueled her digging. As she dug, townsfolk would come by, take up a shovel, and help her. They never exchanged words for there was none to mend the greatest loss she’d ever known.
When Rayne finally lifted her head and look at Lisbet, she saw tears flooding her cheeks. She pulled Lisbet close and kissed the tears. “No, no, don’t cry, Lisbet. I only told you the story because I wanted you to know how it was. That was in the past and now, because of you, I am ready to move into the future.
“Oh, Rayne, you went through so much pain.”
“Yes, I did. But I’m ready for something more. With you. I’d like to see where we could go if that is agreeable with you.” Rayne spoke softly and before she could say anything more she was being kissed by the sweetest lips she had tasted in years. She felt her heart soar.
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