‘Now, I have no passion and enthusiasm left for this marriage. In a way, I have lost hope. Their attitude has tarnished my relationship with Saiid. When those who I thought were closest to me, who I thought loved me, whom I raised with my own hands, talk like this about me and Saiid, imagine what others will say. Imagine how they will drag us through the mud.’
‘To hell with them!’ Parvaneh said. ‘Let them say what they will, you shouldn’t listen to any of it. Be strong, live your own life. Despair does not suit you at all. Your solution is to go see Saiid. Get up and call that poor man. He has been going out of his mind with worry.’
That afternoon, Saiid came to Parvaneh’s house. She no longer liked to sit in on our conversations and went about her own work.
‘Saiid, I am terribly sorry,’ I said. ‘It is impossible for us to get married. I have been condemned to never experience happiness and a quiet life.’
Saiid looked devastated.
‘My entire youth was destroyed by this fateful love,’ he said. ‘Even in the best of times, deep inside, I was sad and alone. I am not saying I never paid attention to any other woman, I am not saying I never loved Nazy, but you are the love of my life. When I found you again, I thought God has finally given me a blessing and in the last half of my life he wants to show me its joys. The happiest and most peaceful days I have known were the days we spent together these past two months. Now, not having you is difficult. Now, I feel lonelier than ever before. Now, I need you more than ever. I am asking you to please reconsider. You are not a child, you are no longer that sixteen-year-old girl who needs her father’s permission, you can decide for yourself. Don’t let me fall again.’
My eyes were brimming with tears.
‘But what about my children?’
‘Do you agree with what they are saying?’
‘No. Their logic is worth nothing to me. It is based on selfishness and self-interest. But with this mindset they will condemn me and they will suffer, they will be confused and dejected. I have never been able to stand seeing them heartbroken. How could I now do something that would make them feel shame, humiliation and sorrow? I will feel guilty for being the cause of their spouses, colleagues and friends looking at them with scorn and disdain.’
‘They may feel like this for a while, but they will soon forget.’
‘What if they don’t? What if it stays in their hearts for the rest of their lives? What if this damages the image of me they have in their minds?’
‘It will eventually return to what it used to be,’ Saiid argued.
‘What if it doesn’t?’
‘But what can we do? Perhaps this is the price we have to pay for our happiness.’
‘And I should make my children pay it? No. I cannot.’
‘For once in your life follow your heart and set yourself free,’ he pleaded.
‘No, my dear Saiid… I am not one to do that.’
‘I think you are using your children as an excuse.’
‘I don’t know, perhaps. Perhaps I have lost my nerve. What happened was very insulting. I didn’t expect such a harsh reaction from them. Right now, I am too tired and depressed to make such a big decision for my life. I feel a hundred years old. And I don’t want to do anything out of spite or to prove my strength. I am sorry, but under these circumstances, I cannot give you the answer you want.’
‘But, Massoum, we will be lost to each other again.’
‘I know. I feel like I am committing suicide, and it is not my first time… But do you know what is most devastating?’
‘No!’
‘The fact that both times it was my loved ones who contrived this kind of death for me.’
Parvaneh left.
I saw Saiid a few more times. I made him promise to make amends with his wife and to stay in America. After all, having a family, even one that was not warm and intimate, was better than not having one at all…
After I said goodbye to him, I walked home. A cold autumn wind was blowing in gusts. I was tired. My burden of loneliness felt heavier and my steps more unsteady and weak. I wrapped myself in my black cardigan and looked up at the grey sky.
Oh… what a hard winter lay ahead.
© Wahid Saberi
PARINOUSH SANIEE is a sociologist and psychologist. She was formerly manager of the research department at the Supreme Coordination Council for Technical and Vocational Education in Iran. She has written several novels, of which The Book of Fate is the first; The Father of the Other One, her second novel, has also been published to great acclaim in Iran. Her other books are awaiting approval by the censorship board.
SARA KHALILI is an editor and translator of contemporary Iranian literature. Her translations include The Book of Fate by Parinoush Saniee, Censoring an Iranian Love Story by Shahriar Mandanipour, and Kissing the Sword: A Prison Memoir by Shahrnush Parsipur. She has also translated several volumes of poetry by Forough Farrokhzad, Simin Behbahani, Siavash Kasraii, and Fereydoon Moshiri. Her translations of short stories by Shahriar Mandanipour have appeared in The Literary Review, The Kenyon Review, The Virginia Quarterly Review, EPOCH, Words Without Borders, and PEN America. She lives and works in New York City.
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