Ryan and I had talked a lot about my past and my family at the restaurant. I let him rummage through my brain for a while. It seemed he liked to have the spotlight off of him, and I enjoyed watching his eager expressions as he learned more about Beth and me. The conversation only quieted once we got to the beach. It was a sanctuary, and the comfortable silence enabled us to take it all in. It gave me time to think about our future, about where Ryan and I went from here. He was a solid male figure in Beth’s life. I was in love with him and the way he’d shared himself with us and, as he placed the final piece of wood strategically on the pile, I got the nerve to ask him what I’d been wanting to know since Beth had mentioned it.
“Beth told me you showed her a picture of Belle?”
He hesitated and stopped what he was doing. “I did.” He reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. He opened it carefully and took out a worn looking photograph and stared at it. His Adam’s apple moved smoothly in his throat as he swallowed deeply. “This is Birdie.”
He handed me the picture and I couldn’t help it — tears had begun to well and, as they fell free, they wet my lashes. She was an angel, and I’d never seen him smile like he had in this picture. It was just a profile shot, but you could see it; you could see the utter elation in the set of his cheeks and the adoration he felt with the tip of his nose to hers.
“She’s perfect.” My words were just croaked syllables as I tried to capture his gaze.
Ryan’s dark eyes slid away from mine. The sky was threatening rain, and the black depths of the ocean pulled his attention away from the shore. He was no longer with me in this moment but hidden in a space between now and then. I held the photograph close to my chest to protect it from the wind, and I let him mourn in silence. The waves crashed, and he didn’t flinch as the chilled wet wind whipped around us.
He was a statue as I wrapped my arm under his and around his waist. The wind tussled his hair; he was warm, but he remained immobile and quiet. I was just about to speak, I wanted to reel him in, pull him from the oblivion he was sinking in, but he beat me to it. “’For whatever we lose (like a you or a me), It's always our self we find in the sea.’” His voice was stretched thin as he whispered the strange verse.
“What?”
Ryan lowered his chin and looked at the ground. “It’s from a poem by e.e. cummings.” His lips broke from their frown with a slight smile as he finally brought his sad eyes back to me. “You know what the title is?”
I shook my head.
“Maggie and Milly and Molly and May.” His smirk grew and my smile mirrored his. “I have a book of his poems… it’s funny how everything sort of seems to just fit when it comes to you.” Ryan’s warm palm rested on my cheek. “I get lost, Maggie, sometimes for days, but since I’ve met you, everything keeps pushing me to you. Maybe… Belle is in heaven…. maybe she sees how happy you make me… maybe she’s the one pulling all the strings.”
I leaned into his touch and closed my eyes briefly. His cotton smell hadn’t been overpowered by the ocean air, and I breathed him in with a long inhale. My eyes opened and I handed him the picture. “I believe… Ryan… I do, and I know Belle is smiling down on her daddy. I just know it.”
He let his gaze linger on mine before he looked at the picture. His hand dropped from my cheek, and he trailed it along the surface of the photo. “I think you’re right,” he spoke as he placed the picture back in his wallet.
He tucked it away in his pocket and the somber mood dissipated as his smile grew just as wide as it had been this morning. His hands settled on my shoulders and his smile deepened even more.
“‘Trust your heart if the seas catch fire (and live by love though the stars walk backward) honor the past but welcome the future.’” The words fell from his lips in a deep timbre and, as he spoke them, he leaned toward me resting his forehead against mine like he always did. I figured it was his way of saying “I love you” with touch. “When I look at you, I can’t help but welcome the future.”
I was crazy because I’d marry this man right now, on this freezing beach, in jeans and a WSU hoodie. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him with all the love I had in my heart. When we parted, I noticed the brown color of his irises had lightened. The shadow was gone… he was back, in the present, with his future dangling from his shoulders.
“I like this e.e. cummings.”
“One good thing about prison, it gives you time to read and learn.”
I dropped my arms from his neck and gave him a playful nudge with my hip in an attempt to lighten the mood. “Poems and sweet words… I think someone's trying to butter me up so he can have his way with me later.”
Ryan’s laugh was full and open as his head tipped back exposing the line of his throat. I bit the corner of my lip to suppress my own laughter.
“Maybe.” He smirked.
He shook his head and took my hand in his as he pushed my hair behind my ears with the other. He kissed me sweetly and then pulled away. “Should we get this bonfire going?”
“Will you recite more poetry?” I asked and cocked my brow.
He chuckled. “Only if it means we get to repeat last night.”
“Give me all the words, Ryan, and I’ll give you all of this.” I waved my hand down the length of my body, and he laughed again. The rich sound of it made my cheeks hurt from smiling so big. His laugh was addictive. It was genuine, raw, and a rare vision all in one.
He ran his hand through his beach blown hair, making it even messier as he pulled me close. “Is that so?” His grin was almost explicit.
“I always keep my word.”
The white sugared icing melted easily over the warm orange rolls I’d just pulled from the oven. Maggie’s house smelled like fresh baked bread with a sweet hint of citrus. It had been my mother’s tradition. Every Christmas, she’d bake from scratch, orange rolls in the shape of a wreath. I wasn’t crafty, but I could cook, and I wanted to share a happy part of my history with Maggie. Christmas had always been my favorite holiday. I liked the traditions, the food, and it was one of the few times my father got to relax and enjoy his family. It helped it was close to my birthday, and as a kid, it felt like I always got two Christmases.
I put a piece of plastic wrap over the glass measuring cup, and placed the extra icing in the fridge, which was chock full of food. Maggie’s friend Laurie and Officer Evans were coming over later for dinner, and I’d invited Tony as well. I had to maneuver a few items, and I smirked when my eyes landed on the unbaked apple pie Maggie had made for me. This would be the first Christmas and first birthday for me as a free man. I was free in more ways than one. I was opening myself up to the possibilities, no longer trapped inside myself or stuck with evil men in a concrete holding cell surrounded by wires. This year… I had her. I had a family again. The idea of spending today with new people set me a little on edge, but I had to adjust. I had to allow myself to live in order to give Maggie a man she deserved.
Beth giggled in the family room, and my lips spread into a smile. After we got back from the beach trip, things changed. Maggie’s things and my things became our things. I was here almost every night, and it just felt more… natural. Loving Maggie and Beth, having them in my life and letting myself feel the fucking joy of knowing I was loved too, it was the first time since the cold steel bars of my jail cell clicked shut that I felt worthy of something. I was starting to feel worthy of this life. I was still struggling; each day offered a different obstacle, and each day I patted my way through the dark. But, there were moments when everything was quiet and the night became my projector. When I closed my eyes, I could imagine Birdie smiling, hands full of mud pie and that constant juice ring around her mouth. The memories hurt, but it was a good pain… I was letting myself see her as she once had been instead of how she had died, how she had looked in my arms that horrible night.
“Hey.” Maggie’s arms wrapped around my waist, and her body pressed against my back.
I t
urned so I was facing her and placed a kiss on her temple. “Merry Christmas.” Her hair was pulled up into a messy knot on the top of her head. She had on one of my T-shirts and a pair of soft gray sweats. Maggie wasn’t wearing make-up, just a smile for me and it was beautiful.
“It smells amazing. I’m glad you decided to bake these.” She peered around my body and let her eyes fall to the stove top. “I think I could eat that whole pan.” She leaned up and kissed me on the lips before she dropped her hold on my waist. “But the native is getting restless, and if we don’t open presents first, she might stage a mutiny.”
I laughed. “It’s okay. They need to cool a little while longer anyway.”
She took my hand in hers, and we made our way to the family room. Beth was separating the gifts into piles, and her smile was ear to ear as she added another gift to what I assumed was her pile. Maggie released my hand and took a seat next to Beth on the floor.
“Slow down, Bee.” Maggie’s laugh was light as she helped Beth situate the gifts.
I sat on the couch right next to the Christmas tree. I’d lit the fireplace first thing when I woke up, and the orange flames mixed with the colorful lights of the tree, casting everything in a warm surreal glow.
“Santa brought me five gifts, Ryan!” Beth’s eyes were round and wide as she counted them. “See.”
I nodded. “I can see that. I guess you were pretty good this year?”
“Yes,” she said and bobbed her head in agreement.
“That’s debatable.” Maggie bit the corner of her cheek in an attempt to hide her smile, and Beth narrowed her eyes. “I’m kidding, Honey Bee.” She leaned over and kissed her daughter on the forehead before she asked, “Are you just going to count them, or are you going to open them?”
“Open,” Beth said as she tore into the first gift.
She moved fast through the Santa gifts. I sat in silence and observed Maggie in her element. She’d made sure to include my name on some of the gifts, even the ones I hadn’t helped purchase, and I was thankful… to be a part of this… of them. By the time we’d made our way through most of the presents, the family room was an explosion of red and green paper. Beth was busy playing with her new doll, and Maggie was sitting between my legs on the floor with her back to the couch. Her gift sat in a small box in the pocket of the sweats I was wearing.
My stomach flipped anxiously as I leaned over and whispered in her ear, “It’s your turn.”
She turned her head and grinned. “No way. You first.”
Beth stopped what she was doing and jumped up. She grabbed a present I hadn’t noticed from under the tree and handed it to me. It was wrapped in silver and blue paper and the weight of the box felt sturdy in my hand. Maggie stood, turned to face me, and placed her hands on my shoulders. She inclined toward me, her sweet breath at my lips.
“Merry Christmas, Ryan.” She kissed me gently before she sat down next to me.
Beth took perch on my other side, and my mouth spread into a wide grin. This was the first gift I’d gotten in ten years. Maggie’s smile was pulling at my chest as I ripped into the paper revealing a navy blue box. I lifted the lid and my grin grew.
“Do you like it?” Maggie worried at her bottom lip, and I chuckled.
“I do.”
I lifted the watch from its container. The shine of the gunmetal almost felt too good for me. The face of it was big and inlaid with a white seashell looking material. There were lots of dials and mechanisms, and I couldn’t wait to figure it all out. I was about to slip it on my left wrist when Maggie grabbed my hand. Beth clapped, and my eyebrows dipped as I looked over at Maggie with confusion.
“I had it engraved on the back.” She took the watch from my hand and flipped it over. She laid it back into my palm, and as I read the tiny letters, my speech almost failed me.
“Time is a tree (this life one leaf) but love is the sky and I am for you just so long and long enough.”
The script was centered and filled the entire back of the watch face. “e.e. cummings,” I whispered, and Maggie took the watch from my palm and placed it on my wrist, snapping it in place.
“Love is endless… like the sky, Ryan, and whenever you forget that, whenever you lose your way, just remember to check the time, okay?” Her voice was strained as she fought to speak.
My nostrils flared as I tried to hold back the overwhelming feeling her words gave me. The palms of my hands found their home on each side of her face, and the heat of her cheeks seeped into my skin as I brought my mouth to hers. My kiss was deep, full of everything I didn’t have the words to say, and I let my lips envelop hers. I got lost in her as always, in her love, and I didn’t worry about finding my way out just yet.
“I picked the watch.” Beth’s childlike pride broke through Maggie’s and my private bubble and our lips parted. Maggie’s cheeks were bright red, and a smirk twitched at the corner of my lips. I kept my eyes on Maggie for a few seconds before I turned my attention to Beth. “You did good.” I ruffled her hair, and she seemed satisfied. “Thank you.”
Beth smiled and moved quickly toward me. She flung her arms around my neck and squeezed. For a little girl who probably weighed less than fifty pounds, she had strength behind all her hugs. She hugged you like it could be her last chance, and I liked that about her.
“What did you get my mom?” she asked as she pulled away.
The anxiety pooled in my gut as I remembered the small box in my pocket. I loved Maggie, and I wanted to give her something to show her that I was here… in the present… in the now with her and Beth.
Maggie sat up straight and gave Beth a frown. “Beth.”
“No, she’s right. I have something for you.” I reached inside my pocket and pulled out the white box.
Maggie’s lips parted with a gasp as I set the box in her lap. Her hand trembled as it hovered over the fuzzy white material that covered the container. “Ryan?”
“It’s not what you think.” My voice sounded deeper than normal; my anxiety tugged at my throat, trying to close it off. “Open it.” My smile pulled up to one side as she lifted the lid of the box.
Her upper lip shivered and her eyes spilled over. “Ryan,” she said again, but this time, it was a breathless whisper.
“I had it made in town at that old jewelry shop. You know the one. Vern, a frequent customer, he owns it. The design isn’t exactly perfect, but it’s how I drew it.” I took the box from her hand and gently lifted the delicate silver with my fingers. Maggie held out her right hand, but I raised her left hand with mine instead. I slipped the ring on her left finger, and I was lucky… it fit just right. “It’s a promise, Maggie.” My eyes met hers. “I promise to try. I promise to give you the rest of what I have left. It’s a promise to give you my past and my present.”
My stare fell to the ring. The silver was bright and formed in the shape of an infinity symbol. On the left loop was a dove and on the right a heart. The handcrafted symbol sat perfectly in the center of her left finger.
“I love it.” She sniffled as she traced the shape of it with her finger.
“The dove is my past, Maggie. It’s Belle.” I lifted her chin with my thumb and forefinger. “The heart is what I want for my future. It’s for you and Beth.”
“For me?” Beth asked and cocked her head to the side as she looked down at it.
I laughed at her curious expression. “It is. I love you, too, Bee.”
She gave me a shy smile. “Cool.” She reached down and grabbed the Avengers pajamas I’d gotten her from the floor. “Can I go put these on?”
“Sure.” Maggie sniffed again and wiped under her eyes. The ring sparkled in the light, and I couldn’t help but feel proud. I’d make her just as happy as she’d made me.
Once Beth left the room, Maggie looked over at me with a serious expression. The crease between her brows deepened as her eyes found mine. “Ryan.” For a split second, my heart dropped into my chest. Maybe it was too much? “This…” she cleared her
throat, “…it’s the best gift I’ve ever gotten.” Tears wet her lashes and she rolled her eyes, making me chuckle. “Hell, I’m so emotional.”
I stood and laced my hand in hers, pulling her up with me. I wrapped her up in my arm, and brought her close, pressing my body into her, seeking her touch and her warmth. Her hands settled on the center of my chest. “The best?” I asked with a smirk, and she nodded.
“Thank you.” She reached up on her tiptoes and brought her mouth to mine.
I pulled away after a few seconds and let the bright blue of her eyes etch their way into my mind. I wanted to remember this moment with her. I wanted to mark it as the day I decided to let the demons fade into the white noise. I’d let their constant chatter fall into the dreary background of my memory. This was the day I realized that life was just “one leaf” so I turned that shit over and moved forward.
The bacon grease snapped and the smell of it was heavy, making me nauseous for some reason. I was glad today was Friday. With the holidays over, this would be the first weekend Maggie and I had off together. She’d had to work New Year’s Eve, and I’d spent the night with Beth and Cornelia instead. New Year’s was always a holiday I hated, even before Birdie died. I thought it was depressing. It should’ve felt like a progression but to me, it felt like I was always forgetting something. However, this year was different. This year I watched as Beth counted down till midnight, shouting with Cornelia as the ball dropped. I could honestly say it was the first New Year’s I had ever enjoyed. My smile faltered as another wave of nausea stirred the acid in my stomach.
Tony’s laugh drifted through the room as he opened the kitchen door. “Just give me a second, Officer Reynolds. I’ll pack that up for you gentlemen.” His smile fell as he took me in. “You look like shit, Ryan.”
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