That’s what his future should hold.
Luca deserved to be with someone who was easy. He should be with someone who would create that picture, that tableau of him with a wife and a darling baby in his arms. Stella imagined family photos of the three of them fitting together like three pieces of a jigsaw. His wife would be gorgeous—glorious skin, glossy hair and wide eyes. Someone his own age, maybe a little younger, with long legs and no thighs to speak of and a miraculously flat stomach considering she’d just been pregnant. A perfect couple with a perfect baby. And then, a year or two later, there would be four of them, two hilarious children and two stylish parents, and they would drive down to the coast on sunny days and sit in a café in Port Elliot with their designer pram and cute summer hats, buying babyccinos for their ever-more-adorable children. There would be matching outfits for the children, and smears of sunscreen on their noses when they were playing in the shallows of Horseshoe Bay. Sleeping babies on the way home to Adelaide, the parents staring at each other with pure bliss on their faces, marvelling at their good fortune at having such a perfect little family and such a perfect life together.
And Stella might be standing behind the counter in her shop one day, looking out to the street as she said goodbye to a customer, and she would perhaps catch a glimpse of Luca and his perfect family. He might glance inside the shop, remembering the work he’d done there, maybe even feel wistful for half a moment, but then he would turn back to his wife and his family and know in his heart, without a doubt, that he was where he should be.
And Stella would watch him, frozen, and her dead heart would flutter to life once again, just enough to ache with a longing that would never disappear, for the man she would never stop wanting.
The man she’d let go.
That’s what Luca should have. She would never look right in that future. And as she watched him, jiggling Francesca and eliciting even more giggles from the perfect little girl, she saw in Anna’s eyes the love and yes, expectation, that one day he would be a father himself. Luca: the only Morelli son. The one who would carry on the proud name. Look at him with Francesca! Won’t he make a good father! What a beautiful baby! He would soon be at the centre of his family then; the invisible mantle being handed over from his father as he grew older, and Stella could feel in her very marrow that he would miss out on all that family, being part of the ongoing Morelli story, if he were with her. She couldn’t ask him to let that go. She couldn’t tear him away from what was expected of him. All that family was too much for her; it was something she didn’t deserve and couldn’t hold together even if she’d wanted it with everything she had in her heart and her soul.
When Stella opened her eyes, her knees unsteady, her stomach churning, Anna’s curious expression was all she could see.
‘A bit of a surprise, huh? Summer swore us to secrecy.’
‘A big surprise.’
Anna came in close and slipped her free arm around Stella and held her, longer than a regular embrace.
‘Happy birthday. We all love you, Stella. Have a wonderful night.’
It should have felt right and natural, to be surrounded by all this love and friendship, but no matter where Stella looked for that feeling, she couldn’t find it. She wanted to run from it all, to the safety of her house and being alone. Because being alone was the only time she ever felt truly safe.
‘You all right?’ Anna asked in a cautious whisper.
‘Just a headache,’ Luca piped up to answer when Stella couldn’t.
‘Drink some water,’ Anna told her. ‘That’ll help. Have you eaten today, Stella? You look kind of washed out.’
‘Anna,’ Luca warned in a low voice as he jiggled Francesca. ‘You’re not a doctor now. Lay off.’
His sister raised her hands in mock surrender. ‘Sorry. Can’t help it.’ She held her arms out for her baby and under cover of Francesca’s transfer said in Luca’s ear, ‘Find me if she gets worse.’
‘Remember how I said you were turning into our mother?’
‘Ouch, that hurts,’ Anna said as she turned with a laugh and headed off to find Joe.
As soon as his sister was out of earshot, Stella heard Luca’s sharp intake of breath. He didn’t look at her but his words were only for her. ‘You really don’t want to be here, do you?’
‘Luca … I—’ Stella pressed a finger against her throbbing forehead.
‘Or is it that you don’t want to be here with me?’
Before she could answer, there was a hand on her shoulder. ‘Happy birthday, Stella! You look like you’ve had the shock of your life,’ Lizzie said. ‘Hey, Luca.’
‘Hi, Lizzie.’ Luca ran a hand through his hair. ‘Is Dan around?’
‘He’s at the bar,’ she grinned.
Luca nodded to Stella. ‘I’m going to get a drink.’
He turned to go but before he was out of arms’ reach, she thrust out her hand and gripped his wrist. He looked back at where her fingers were on his skin, and then he slowly lifted his gaze to meet her eyes. Stella couldn’t find the words. Couldn’t define what was going on in her head. She hoped the look on her face said what she couldn’t.
I’m sorry.
He gave her a sad smile and then walked away.
‘Julia’s here somewhere too,’ Lizzie said, craning her neck to look above the crowd. She slipped an arm through Stella’s. ‘She’ll want to say hello. Let’s go find her, shall we?’
Luca strode across the party to find Dan at the makeshift bar. Before he’d even opened his mouth to order, his friend had thrust a beer into his hand.
‘Cheers,’ Luca said and he took a good long swig. His mind was whirring a hundred miles an hour about what was going on with Stella.
‘No worries, mate. How you travelling? How’s business?’
‘Good. Busy as hell but who doesn’t want to be flat out when you’ve got your own business, right?’
‘Hell yeah,’ Dan replied with a wink. He served another couple of people and Luca waited, not wanting to walk back over to Stella, who was now surrounded by women. Anna, Summer, Julia, Lizzie and Courtney the Cop who’d sprung them in his truck. It looked like a war council.
Maybe he needed a war council of his own.
He turned to Dan, checked that no one else was within earshot. ‘Hey, Dan.’
‘Yeah, mate?’
Luca cocked his head to indicate Dan should come closer. ‘I need to ask you something.’
‘About your business? Sure.’
‘Nope. Not about my business. About women.’
‘You want to ask me about women?’
‘I need to know … what do women your age … what the hell do they want?’
‘I wouldn’t use that exact phrase in front of Stella, you know what I’m saying?’ Dan grinned.
Luca ran a hand through his hair. ‘I didn’t even know it was her birthday coming up. She didn’t tell me. Not a damn word about it.’
‘I see your problem, mate. No time to get a present.’
Just then, Ry appeared. ‘Hey, Luca.’
Closely followed by Joe. ‘Brother-in-law.’ Joe nodded at Luca.
‘Not.’ Luca nodded back.
‘What’s this all about?’ Joe asked, looking from bloke to bloke.
Dan twisted the top on a beer and handed it to Joe. ‘Luca wants to know what to give Stella for her birthday.’
‘What is this, high school?’ Joe asked.
Luca shook his head. ‘That wasn’t what I was asking, Dan. I was …’ He looked around at each man. Each of them had found a woman and had successful relationships. Each of them was with someone about Stella’s age. Surely they’d be able to give him some answers.
‘I want to know … what does a woman like Stella want?’
Joe, Dan and Ry exchanged glances.
‘He’s got woman trouble,’ Dan said, taking a swig of his own beer.
‘Shit.’ Luca looked around to make sure no one else had heard Dan. ‘I didn’t say that. Now
Joe will tell Anna and I’ll be in all kinds of shit.’
Joe again. ‘Fuck, this is high school.’
‘Whoa, whoa, wait a minute,’ Ry said. ‘A brother is in trouble and needs our help.’
All four men looked over to where their women, and a couple of extras, were congregated, deep in a conversation of their own.
‘So, you want to know what women want?’ Dan asked, rubbing his chin.
‘Sex,’ Ry said.
‘Good sex,’ Dan clarified and the two men clinked beer bottles.
‘Listening,’ Joe added. ‘Women like that whole listening thing. Even if you’re really thinking about the cricket, pretend you’re listening.’
‘I’m never thinking about cricket,’ Luca said.
‘The toilet seat. They like it down,’ Ry added. ‘But, surprisingly, they want the lid up. Or it scares the bejesus out of them in the middle of the night, apparently, especially in winter.’
Luca raised his eyes to the darkening sky. These guys were full of shit.
‘What else?’ Dan handed Ry another beer.
‘Clean up all your stuff from the floor,’ Ry said.
‘Cook dinner,’ Joe said. ‘And don’t make a big deal out of it, like you’re the next MasterChef or any of that shit. Just cook dinner.’
‘Oh yeah, flowers for no reason,’ Joe added. ‘Compliments, they like those. And close the lid on the toothpaste. Don’t know why that’s a thing but it is.’
‘And when you have kids,’ Ry checked around them that no one else could hear this pearl of wisdom, ‘change the nappies without being asked and get up in the middle of the night even if you’re feeling like shit or hung over.’
Luca looked around at this war council. Each one of them was desperately trying not to laugh. Finally, Joe broke and then Ry and Dan followed loudly and heartily.
Joe slapped him on the shoulder. ‘It’s not rocket science, mate. Is she the one?’
Luca looked across to Stella. There was a smile on her face but he could see the brittleness of it. ‘Yeah. She’s the one.’
All three men slapped him on the back and cheered.
But it was Joe who said it. ‘Then you know what to do.’
‘You’re not pregnant, are you?’ Anna asked, reaching for Stella’s wrist and searching for her pulse.
Stella pulled it away. ‘No, of course not. It’s been a really hard couple of months and I think it’s catching up with me. Summer, I really appreciate the party, but I think I need to go home and sleep. I’ve got to be up early tomorrow to open the shop.’
Summer repositioned herself behind Stella and began kneading her shoulders. ‘It’s no wonder your head is throbbing. You’re wound tight as a drum back here. This is what happens when you miss your weekly massages. I know you’ve been slightly … um … distracted by that delicious man of yours but you shouldn’t ignore this. You know what happens.’
Stella breathed deep, trying to keep everything inside, tightly wound. She would never reveal the real reason she was strung so tightly. Not to these wonderful women, these wonderful, normal women. The pressure of trying to be like them, trying to be normal, was bearing down on her like a south-coast winter storm and she desperately wanted to escape.
‘Thanks, Summer.’ Stella shrugged her friend’s hands away. ‘I think I’ll just go home.’
‘I’ll go get Luca to take you,’ Anna declared.
The drive back took ten minutes and Stella and Luca shared it in silence. Luca had shepherded her out of the party as soon as Anna had told him she wanted to go and, out of the corner of her eye, she could see him checking her intently every ten seconds as he drove.
When he unlocked her front door and guided her inside, Stella plodded wearily to the bedroom. Luca was right beside her.
‘What can I get you?’ he asked with a hand on her shoulder. She shrugged it off.
‘Nothing.’ She fumbled with the zip at the back of her neck but it snagged and wouldn’t open.
‘You should take something if you’re feeling this bad. You need to knock it off overnight. Where are your medicines? In the bathroom?’
‘I can get it,’ she replied on a sigh.
‘For fuck’s sake, Stella …’
It was coming. She could feel it. She should know: she’d provoked it. This was what she needed to do. To push him away. It would be for his own good. She was clearly not meant for all of this. She pushed people away rather than held them close. There was something wrong with her that would never be fixed. The damage had been done and it had been done too deep.
‘Leave me alone, Luca.’
He’d stopped in her bedroom doorway, pushing a frustrated hand through his hair. When she turned, because she couldn’t help but look at him one more time, his face was dark, fierce.
‘Why are you doing this?’
She avoided his eyes. ‘Doing what?’
‘Why won’t you let me look after you?’
She’d told him too much and ruined everything. She recognised the look on his face: it was one she’d seen directed back at her for her whole life. It was pity. And that realisation drove a stake through her.
‘I’m not a child. I don’t need looking after.’
There was a long silence.
‘So, is this how it ends, you and me?’
Stella couldn’t answer. Any words she might have said were caught in her throat like a fishbone. The pull of what she wanted and the push of what she needed to do were warring inside her.
Why can’t I have him?
I don’t deserve him.
The truth about you scares people.
He doesn’t love you. He pities you.
Luca took a step towards her, his hands waving and animated. ‘You’ve got that look in your eyes, Stella. I can see it. You’re trying to push me away and I won’t fucking let you. I’m not going. I don’t know what’s freaked you out but don’t say goodbye to this. To us.’
Shaking, Stella brushed past him to the kitchen, where she poured herself a tall glass of water and gulped it down. She set the glass on the stainless steel sink and stared out the window into the dark of her backyard. Her fingers gripped the edge of the bench and she held her shoulders so tight it made her headache worse and worse.
‘Stella?’
She couldn’t listen to his voice, wounded and rough.
Her head dropped but she didn’t turn around. She realised that the pounding in her head wasn’t a headache but the weight of her decision pressing on her. Suffocating her. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t want him but oh, how she wanted him. And he must have read her mind because then he was behind her, pressing himself against her, running his fingers through her hair. Why couldn’t she forget who she was and allow herself to fall back against his strength? Why couldn’t she let him care about her?
Because it would hurt so much when he no longer did. And that was inevitable. People she got close to always let her down. Always.
When his lips pressed softly on her neck, she stiffened. ‘Why are you here?’ she murmured.
Luca took her by the shoulders and exerted just enough pressure to turn her around so they were face to face.
‘You need to ask me that? After everything?’
‘I’ve been looking after myself my whole life.’ Her bottom lip began to tremble and she bit it to stop it betraying her.
‘And I admire the hell out of you for that. But I’m not here because I admire you.’
‘I don’t need or want your pity, Luca.’
‘I’m not here because I pity you.’ He closed the distance between them and pressed his lips to hers. When she didn’t fight him, when she opened her mouth to let him in, he wrapped his arms around her so tightly she feared he might crush her.
Then, on a breath, he said the words she didn’t want to hear.
‘I’m here because I love you, Stella. I loved you before you told me what happened to you. Your story, the truth about your life? It’s only made me love you
more, for your strength, and for what you survived.’
Her heart turned to stone at what she was about to do. For his own good. For her own survival.
Stella pushed out of his embrace, crossed her arms like a protective shield. ‘We won’t work. You’ll get over it. You have to get over it, Luca.’
‘Like I have a choice about it,’ he said, his voice ragged and torn.
‘You do,’ she managed. ‘Go back to Adelaide and your life and fall in love with someone else. Someone better for you, Luca.’
‘I don’t want anyone else. You are it for me—don’t you get it? This, what we have, that’s what I want.’
‘You can’t know that at your age. You’ll grow up and—’
She stopped when she realised what she’d said and how much it would hurt him.
Luca breathed deep, closed his eyes slowly. ‘Grow up? You’re gunna go back to that? How old I am? Because that is a bullshit excuse and you know it.’
‘No. I shouldn’t have said …’ Stella pressed her palms over her eyes, trying to stop the throbbing and trying to block him out as well. ‘What I meant was, when you’re older, you’ll realise what you missed out on being with me. You’re too young to put up with me and all my baggage. All my complications and my fucked-up history. I can’t want what you want. I don’t want it to ruin another life: don’t you get it? It stops with me. It has to stop with me.’
‘I know what I’d be missing out on if we’re not together.’
‘I know what you want, Luca. You told me. A family. Kids. Throw in a big Italian wedding while you’re at it and family dinners on a Sunday and—’
‘Wednesday.’
‘Huh?’
‘We have our family dinners on Wednesdays.’
‘Every week?’
‘Yeah,’ he replied.
‘See what I mean? That’s who you are but it’s not who I am.’
‘How will you know if you’ve never had the chance? Give them a chance to love you, Stella. Hell, give me the chance to love you. Didn’t you hear what I said? I love you. And I want all that stuff with you because I love you. I don’t want it with anyone else. You’ve known it since the very first day we met, that I go after what I want. And I’ve wanted you. First, I won’t deny it, it was just about fucking you.’
Hold On to Me Page 27