Cazzo: A Reed Security Romance (Reed Security Series Book 3)

by Giulia Lagomarsino

  “No. You fix your head and you get back to work. You don’t just walk away.” Chris stood and paced the living room. “Look, Vanessa is a very special woman and I can see how she made you want to do shit that you knew you shouldn’t do. But she left, so use this time to get back to where you were.”

  “Maybe I don’t want to get back to where I was. Maybe I need to find something else.”

  “Like what?” Jules asked.

  “I don’t know. But I don’t think I can stay in this house. It’s fucking lonely without her and I don’t want to sit here moping around. I need to be somewhere that doesn’t make me think of her.”

  “You need to really think about what you’re doing, Cazzo. Walking away would be the worst mistake of your life,” Chris said. “We don’t run away from our problems, we attack them head on.”

  “Look, I still have a while before I’m even close to being in shape to come back. When I’m back in fighting form, I’ll let you know what I decide, but until then?” I shrugged. “This isn’t the place for me right now. I’ve got to figure some shit out.”

  ✯✯✯✯✯

  I had told the guys that I would be heading out, but one week turned into two and I was still at the house moping around. I just couldn’t bring myself to leave, afraid that Vanessa would change her mind and I wouldn’t be here when she did. That all changed today, though.

  I had picked up my mail and practically fell over when I saw a letter from Vanessa. I had thought she would call me when she got settled, but she had written me an actual fucking letter. It felt way too much like a Dear John letter and my hands shook as I stared at the envelope. I finally opened it and slowly unfolded the paper.

  Dear Sam,

  I hope you’re doing well and that PT is going well for you. It’s been hard to be out here on my own, away from you and the guys. I miss you more than I could possibly put in words. There’s no one to cook for but myself and that’s no fun.

  I didn’t know what to do when I left your house, so I got on the road and drove for a few days, just wandering around and thinking that inspiration would hit. It did. I was driving through Chicago when I saw a billboard advertising for Kendall College School of Culinary Arts. I don’t know what it was, but I decided to visit the campus and I ended up signing up for classes this summer. I think I’ll go for my bachelor’s degree, but I haven’t decided for sure yet. We’ll see how I like it.

  Since I have some time before classes start, I found myself an apartment and I’ve been taking this time to get it set up. You would hate it here in Chicago. There’s not nearly enough space for you and everywhere you go there are people. I like being around the culture again, but I miss the beauty of being in the country with you.

  I don’t know how to thank you enough for what you did for me and I feel terrible for the way we left things. I want you to know that I love you very much and I will always remember what we had. I hope that one day I see you again. I know it’s too much to hope that we could have something again when I’m done with school. I don’t expect you to wait for me and I’m sure you’ll be back out protecting some other damsel in distress before the year is over.

  I will always cherish the time I had with you. Take care of yourself.

  Vanessa

  So that was it. She was gone and there was no reason for me to stick around. She made it pretty clear that she didn’t have any plans to return any time soon and didn’t want to try to keep things going with us while she was gone. I went to my bedroom and pulled out a duffel and shoved some clothes into it. I didn’t need a whole lot where I was going. I didn’t know if I would be returning any time soon or at all, so I left a message for Cap to keep an eye on my place. With it already hooked up to Reed Security, it wouldn’t be too hard for him.

  I made sure the house was locked up tight and turned off pretty much everything and turned the heat down to fifty. With one last look around the house, I went out to my truck and climbed in, leaving Pennsylvania and my memories behind.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Vanessa

  I FOUND MYSELF a small, one bedroom apartment in the city. It wasn’t anything like the apartment I had when I lived in New York, but I loved it just the same. The kitchen was straight ahead as you walked in the door with the living room off to the right. I put a small dining room table in front of the window to the right of the kitchen. Off the living room was a bathroom and then my bedroom was at the back of the apartment.

  I had thought about getting a roommate, but I wanted to do this on my own. I had rarely gotten to be on my own and now was a good time to discover things for myself. Since school didn’t start for another few weeks, I spent my days decorating my apartment, walking to local markets, and discovering what the city had to offer.

  While I was enjoying my time, I found myself getting lonely, especially at night when I was in bed. It was hard to sleep when Sam wasn’t next to me and I replayed conversations I’d had with him in my head until I exhausted myself enough to get a little sleep. There were a few nights that I dreamed of that night out at the lake. While I couldn’t remember all of it, my imagination made up the rest of the details. The guys had told me what happened, so I knew my imagination was running away with me.

  Sometimes I dreamed that Sam had drowned. Other nights, I dreamed that when I woke up in the hospital, Chris told me that Sam had succeeded in killing himself. Those were the worst dreams because it had come to close to being a reality. If I was being honest with myself, I think I ran away partly because I was scared of what had almost happened. I didn’t want to deal with the fact that what Sam and I had had spiraled out of control so quickly. We had been playing fast and loose in an already dangerous situation and it put everyone’s lives at risk.

  After school started, I was quickly wrapped up in classes and homework and didn’t have much time to think about Sam or the life I could have had with him. Life moved quickly for me and before I knew it, a whole month had passed at school and I had barely noticed. It was around that time that I received a letter from Sam. It was postmarked from Montana.

  Vanessa,

  I got your letter and I’m happy that you’re finally doing something for yourself. I hope that school is going well and you’re making friends. I’m sure it’s great to be out on your own.

  I’m out on the road right now, trying to figure out what I’m going to do. It wasn’t the same without you at the house and I just couldn’t stay there any more. After the shit I pulled while we were on the road, Cap told me to get my head on straight, so that’s what I’m trying to do. I’ve been driving around the country and camping out under the stars. Something I haven’t done since I was overseas.

  I’m still doing my PT, but it’s a little different now that I’m out on the road. I’ve been hiking a lot, which really seems to help build my strength. I’m still using the cane, but I can feel myself getting stronger every day. Hopefully by the end of the summer, I won’t need it anymore.

  I’ll write you when I can and let you know where I am. I love you.

  Sam

  Hope flared in me as I read the letter again. Did this mean that he still wanted something with me, even though I left? When he had walked out of the house that last day, I had assumed he was walking away from me. He seemed to just want to get away from me and I had packed my bags and got on the road right away so he didn’t see how devastated I was. It was probably wrong to feel that way since I was the one that was leaving, but I had hoped that some time apart would help us both.

  As my summer classes finished up, I found myself growing more and more lonely. I hadn’t heard from Sam since his last letter and every day I wondered if he had changed his mind about staying in touch with me. So, when I met someone that was new to my building and he asked me out, I said yes.

  His name was Jason and he was a good looking child protection lawyer. He was clean cut and wore a suit like he was born to do it. He had classic good looks with dark, wavy hair and beautiful hazel eyes. He w
as exactly what I would have been looking for when I lived in New York.

  For our first date, he took me out to a nice restaurant near Lake Shore Drive. He had great manners, opening doors for me and pulling out my chair. I had to admit, this man might be perfect.

  “So, Vanessa, tell me a little about yourself,” he said as we were seated at our table.

  There was so much I didn’t want to say on a first date. It was too intense for that and I didn’t want to scare him away.

  “Well, I grew up in New York. I have two sisters and my father is in finance.”

  “Wait, is your father Victor Adams?”

  I swallowed the bile that rose in my throat, but I swallowed it down.

  “Yes, that’s him.” He didn’t look impressed and pinched his lips together in distaste. “We aren’t exactly on speaking terms any more. In fact, we probably won’t be ever again.”

  “That’s..I would say that’s too bad, but I haven’t heard the best things about him. I have to say, I’m a little relieved to hear you say that.”

  “Well, it’s a long story and not the most pleasant, but I don’t want to talk about that right now.”

  “That’s fine with me. So, you’re in culinary school right now. What made you want to get into that?”

  I thought of cooking for Sam and the guys and felt a little sad, but I brushed it aside and gave a smile. “I love to cook and the degree I earned my first time around was more for my father than for me. This time I’m going back for something I want to do.”

  “That’s great. I hope that I’ll get to taste your food someday.”

  “Well, since I love to cook, I don’t think that would be too much of a hardship. So, you’re a lawyer?”

  “Yeah, I actually work with child protective services. I make sure that children are properly represented in court. It’s very fulfilling work. It doesn’t pay a lot, but I really enjoy it.”

  “Trust me, money isn’t everything and it doesn’t buy happiness.”

  “I couldn’t agree more.”

  “I actually used to work with a charity that helped out foster kids. It was one of the best things I had ever done.”

  “Why did you stop?”

  I thought back to the night that Sam was shot and I started to tremble. Placing my fingers to my lips, I did my best to hold back the cry that wanted to escape. It just hit me out of nowhere.

  “Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  I shook my head as I closed my eyes to compose myself. “It’s not your fault. Just old demons. I’m okay.”

  He didn’t look convinced, but he dropped the subject. The rest of the night went a lot smoother and we avoided topics of my father and my charity work. I also skimmed over what I had been doing the past year. I figured anything that had to do with Sam was off limits. I didn’t want him discussing me with another woman, so I wouldn’t do that to him.

  “I’m on the third floor,” Jason said as he walked me to my door on the second floor. “I want to thank you for tonight. I can tell you’re a very special woman and I’d like to take you out again.”

  “That would be great,” I smiled. I didn’t wait for him to try to kiss me. I didn’t want that tonight. I opened the door and said goodnight, closing the door behind me.

  I had a really good night and it felt good to get my mind off things that I couldn’t change. Jason called me two nights later and asked me out for Friday night. I agreed and was excited when he told me that he wanted to take me to an art opening for a friend of his. It felt like a little piece of the old me was coming back to life and I hadn’t realized how much I missed her.

  ✯✯✯✯✯

  “So, where are you taking me?” I asked as we got into a cab and headed downtown. This was my third date with Jason and all he told me was to wear a nice dress. The art exhibit had been so much fun and again, the conversation had been great, but I felt just a little like something was missing. I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

  “I want to take you dancing. There’s this great band that plays on Saturday nights at The Drake Hotel. I figured we could have a few drinks and do some dancing.”

  “That sounds like so much fun.”

  When we arrived, I was in awe at how beautiful the hotel was. He led me off to a large room to the left where swing music was playing. The name of the band was The Flat Cats and boy were they good. There were small tables on the outskirts of the dance floor with white table cloths. White, sheer panels of fabric hung from the ceiling around the columns that were placed strategically around the room. He led me over to the bar and ordered our drinks. We watched for a few minutes at the people that went out on the dance floor. Some were very exuberant dancers that looked like they’d been doing it for years, while others were just out having a good time.

  Jason pulled me out on the dance floor and spun me around, laughing when I stepped on his toes a few times. One thing I had never perfected was dancing. I did alright for slow dances, but fast dances were always difficult for me. After three songs, I was sweating and in desperate need of a drink.

  “I need some water,” I said, fanning myself.

  He pulled me over to the bar and slapped the bar top for the bartender.

  “A water for the lady, please, and a scotch on the rocks for me.”

  He grinned at me and gave a little wink. The man was definitely charming and handsome to boot. He was fun and full of energy, but I couldn’t help but think of the brooding man that had won over my heart a few months ago.

  We spent the night dancing and left when the band finished playing at midnight. We took a cab back home and he walked me to the door again. This time, I didn’t rush to get inside and he noticed. Leaning into me, he ran his hand over my cheek and to the back of my neck, pulling me in for a kiss. It was good and even gave me a few butterflies, but it wasn’t anything like I’d had with Sam. Still, first kisses weren’t always earth shattering and I decided not to let that be the deciding factor in our relationship.

  “When can I see you again?” he asked.

  “Um, I start classes next week, so probably not until next weekend. I’m sure it’s going to be crazy.”

  “Alright, how about I take you out on Saturday night to celebrate your first week of classes?”

  “That sounds great. Thank you for tonight.”

  “You’re welcome, beautiful.”

  He shot me a sexy grin and walked back to the elevator, leaving me on shaky legs in the hallway. I walked inside and slumped down in my couch with a content feeling rising in my chest. It wasn’t what I had planned, but it was good.

  ✯✯✯✯✯

  I rushed into my apartment after being out running errands all day. I had a date tonight with Jason and I had a feeling tonight was the night. I wasn’t entirely sure I was ready for this, but I didn’t want to let old memories keep me from living my life. We had been dating for a month now and after much debating with myself, I decided it was time to move on. I threw down my bags and tossed the mail on the counter, only to pause when I saw the familiar writing. I stopped everything I was doing and stared at the envelope. It was postmarked a few weeks ago. It must have been delivered to the wrong address.

  I snatched it up quickly after I broke myself out of my trance and tore it open.

  Vanessa,

  Where to start. I’ve been driving around for weeks now, trying to figure out where the hell I’m going, but nothing feels right. I’ve thought so much about that night and all the mistakes that I made, but in the end, I know there’s no way to change what happened. I can’t go back and fix everything, most of all what I tried to do. You’re safe and that’s all that matters. I have to accept things for the way they are and move on.

  I’m heading to my parents’ house and I’m going to stay with them for a while. It’s been hard on them since I called and explained what happened. My dad is still having a hard time dealing with everything that happened, so I think this will be good for us. I’ve been gone for so
long that I think my mother was in shock when I told her I was coming home. I think some time on the farm will be good for me.

  I talked to Sinner the other day and he said that Chris has been a grumpy bastard since he got back from the trip. Even more so than before. I think he really misses your cooking. So do I.

  I hope that school is going well and you’re enjoying yourself. You’re never far from my thoughts. I miss you and love you.

  Sam

  Why did this have to come today of all days? I was doing so well. I was moving on with my life. He hadn’t contacted me in months and now all the sudden he decided to come back into my life? I was so confused and I didn’t know what to feel, but I had a date in an hour and I couldn’t think about it now.

  I took a quick shower and dried my hair, throwing it up in a bun. We were going to the movies tonight, so I put on some jeans and a blouse. It was nice to have a low key night. Jason liked to go out a lot and I just wasn’t as into that now since I had escaped my father’s clutches. I just wanted to live a more normal life, so tonight would be a nice change.

  Jason arrived and I still had to do my makeup. Swinging open the door, I smiled and gave him a peck on the lips.

  “Five more minutes. I just have to put on my makeup.”

  “You look perfect just the way you are.”

  “That’s sweet, but I’m still putting it on. I’ll be right out.”

  I went to my bathroom and put on my powder and some eyeliner. I was just finishing up my mascara when Jason stepped into the doorway holding a piece of paper.