“Who’s Sam?”
I dropped my mascara into the sink when he said Sam.
“Uh..” I wasn’t ready to talk about this. Why hadn’t I put that letter away? I couldn’t even be mad at him because I should have told him about this a few dates ago when I knew this could go somewhere.
“I’m sorry I read it, but it was there and it caught my eye.”
“It’s okay. It’s something I should’ve talked to you about before now. Let’s go sit down.”
He followed me out to the living room and gave me his full attention.
“So, you know that I don’t speak to my father any more. Well, the reason is because he got in deep with an arms dealer and then tried to marry me off to him when their dealings went south. I ran and was being protected by Reed Security. My father had hired them once before to take me to a charity event. At that event, one of my bodyguards was shot protecting me. That was Sam. We..we had kissed and there was something there, but he was badly injured and my father took me back to New York.
“Anyway, I ended up back at Reed Security and the owner placed me with Sam while he was recovering. He figured that no one would look for me with someone that was injured. We eventually picked up where we left off and we fell in love. The arms dealer sent someone after Reed Security to get to me, and Sam and a few guys took me away to keep me safe. Sam and I were stupid and thought that no one would find us and we snuck out one night. Turns out that my father had sent someone after me also. My father had guessed that I had feelings for Sam after the charity event. He sent someone to look for me at Sam’s and he followed us.
“Long story short, I almost drowned and Sam felt responsible. He walked away and got drunk that night and almost killed himself. One of the guys walked in just in time and stopped him. He was so drunk that he wasn’t thinking straight. Things changed after that and I decided that I needed to get away and find my own life. Sam has been traveling around ever since.”
Jason watched me for a minute and then leaned forward, taking my hand. “Do you still love him?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“How can you say that? Of course it matters.”
“What happened is over. It feels like this dramatic thing that happened and now it’s done. I’m not sure if it was even real.”
“Let me ask you something, before you went on the run with Sam, were those feelings real? I mean, you said you fell in love with him.”
“Yes, it was real. Sam gave me something I never had before. He loved me and wanted to protect me when no one in my life ever had.”
“I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but maybe you need to figure out if you still love him. It sounds like he hasn’t given up on you.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I moved on. It was all too intense. I mean, who tries to kill themselves because they screwed up? That’s..I don’t even know what that is.”
“Someone who loves you very much and was devastated that his actions almost got you killed.” He sighed and ran a hand through his wavy hair. “Look, I’m a fucking idiot for even suggesting this, but maybe you need to go see him. Find out if things are truly over between you because if they’re not, you’re just wasting time that you two could be spending together.”
“I’m sorry, but aren’t you and I dating?”
“Vanessa, I’m not going to lie to you. I like you a lot and I think we could really have something, but I don’t want it if your heart’s not in it. I’d rather lose you now than find out I’m not the one after I’ve already fallen for you, which is a very real possibility. So, I’m going to make this easy for you; you go find Sam and find out if things are really over. If they are, I’ll be waiting here for you. If not, I hope that you’re happy.”
“Jason, where did you come from? Seriously, you’re one of the best men that I’ve ever met.”
“Remember that when you see Sam.” He stood and walked to the door. “Call me when you get back.”
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Cazzo
I WALKED ACROSS the lawn to the back porch of my parents’ house. I had gotten up at the ass crack of dawn to take care of the chickens and then I got started on getting the barn door fixed. My dad was getting older and didn’t have anyone to do major repairs any more and so it took him longer to do that kind of shit himself. The roof needed to be fixed and he couldn’t get up there, so I told him I would do it. He wasn’t too thrilled about that since I still had a little bit of a limp when I walked, but I knew I could do it.
Being on the farm again had been good for me. I did some of the PT exercises that I’d been shown by my therapist, but out on the farm, there wasn’t a pool or anything that I could use. It turned out that just getting out and doing shit around the farm worked just as well. I still had to fix Dad’s truck later today, but that roof needed to be fixed first. There was supposed to be a storm coming in and we had just gotten a fresh load of hay for the horses.
When I got to the porch, I sat down in the rocking chair and closed my eyes, thankful for the rest. My body wasn’t used to this much work and it was taking a toll, but it was so good to get out again and be productive that I didn’t care how tired I was at the end of the day. The warm breeze drifted across my face and lulled me to sleep. When I woke up, Dad was sitting on the bench across from me, staring off into the distance.
“You need to take it easy, Sam. You’re pushing too hard,” he said without looking at me.
“I’m good. It feels good to be working again.”
“You’re going to get hurt if you keep going at this pace.”
“Nah. I just need to build up my stamina again.”
“Your mother is worried about you.”
“She doesn’t need to be. I’m doing good.”
He finally turned and looked at me and I knew we were about to have the talk that we had avoided since I arrived a month ago.
“How are you really doing?”
“Dad, I’m really sorry that I scared you. I know that must have been the worst phone call you could ever receive, but I promise you that I’m fine now. It was a shitty day and..I don’t know what else to say. It happened, but it won’t happen again.”
“You know, I used to think that having uniformed men show up on my doorstep and tell me that you had been killed in action would be the thing that broke me. Having you call me and tell me that you were saying goodbye?” He shook his head. “I worried every night after that that I would get another call, only this time it would be someone telling me you had gone through with it. I get up in the middle of the night to check on you because I’m worried I’m going to find you dead in the morning.”
I didn’t know if anything I said would put him at ease. I knew it was hard for him and Mom, and I know saying that I was fine wouldn’t be acceptable to them. How did I explain that it was the low point in my life and I wasn’t there any more?
“Dad, have you ever really fucked something up? I mean, like you knew what you were supposed to do and you didn’t do it?”
“A time or two.”
“And because of that, did the woman you love almost die?”
He shook his head.
“Vanessa got pulled into the water and she couldn’t swim. When I finally got to her, she had been under water for a few minutes and she was so still. I got her to the surface and Chris tried reviving her, but she wasn’t coming around. I just stared at her, knowing that she was slipping away. But I didn’t give up and I kept trying to revive her until she finally came around.”
I stared off at the trees blowing in the breeze as I remembered that feeling. “She was so lifeless and I knew that it was very unlikely that she would survive. It was a miracle that nothing was wrong with her. The doctors were shocked that she didn’t suffer brain damage.”
I turned back to see sadness in his eyes. “I walked away because I knew that I shouldn’t have been with her. I wasn’t able to protect her because I wasn’t in shape. I shouldn’t have been with her becau
se I had a personal relationship with her. That’s a disaster waiting to happen and I knew better, but I went along with it anyway. So, I blamed myself and I drank too much. I got lost in my head and convinced myself that she was already dead.
“I haven’t had a drink since that night. It’s not that I have a drinking problem, but I’m scared that I’ll get lost in my head again and make a bad decision. The only difference is that now I know that I can’t change my mistakes, I can only learn from them. Taking my own life won’t make the situation any different. It won’t change the mistakes I made and it won’t make my teammates trust me again. The only thing I can do now is move forward and figure out where I go from here.”
“And where is that exactly?” he asked.
“I don’t know yet. I don’t know that I trust myself to do the job I was once so good at. It really fucked with my head knowing that I made such bad choices. I never in a million years would have thought I would be the one to fuck up like that.”
“We’re all human, son. We all make mistakes. That doesn’t mean that you aren’t meant to do that job.”
“Did you know that I’m a part owner in the company? The choices I make are an example for the people that work there. If their leader doesn’t make good decisions, how can they be expected to?”
“I don’t think you’re going to find the answers you’re looking for here.”
“You’re wrong. Being here has been really good for me. Too much war is never a good thing. I went from fighting overseas to fighting here. It’s just a different battle. This break has been good for me.”
“Just don’t make it a permanent one. You were never meant to be around here the rest of your life.”
“Why do talk like that? You act like your life here with Mom is terrible.”
“No. Your mom and I have the life we want. It’s a good life. But we knew early on that you were meant for something different. All of you were. I love farming. It was what I always wanted to do, but you and your brother and sisters didn’t love being here like I did. I didn’t want you sticking around out of some kind of loyalty to the family. I think I pushed too hard though and pushed you right out the door. Your mother has wished for years that you would come visit and I always assumed you didn’t because of me.”
“It won’t happen again, Dad. I know it’s been too long.”
He nodded and stood up. “Well, I’m going to get back to it. Why don’t you take the rest of the day off? Spend some time with your mother.”
“I want to fix that roof first. It’s supposed to rain tonight.”
He chuckled and shook his head. “Just as stubborn as ever.”
✯✯✯✯✯
I was almost done with the fencing around the property. A good chunk of it had been damaged by a rogue tractor a year ago and it had never been fixed. I had gone into town and gotten everything I needed, loaded it up in my truck, and got started on it right away. It was unseasonably warm for fall and the heat was a killer, but I wanted to get this done today so that I could take the day off tomorrow. I could tell that I was overdoing a little. I was getting stronger, but my muscles were so sore this morning that I wasn’t sure if I could get out of bed.
I was down on my knees, getting the bottom rail in place when I saw someone walking toward me. Whoever it was, was still a ways away, so I got back to work. When I looked up again, my heart almost stopped in my chest. Vanessa was here. I blinked over and over again, sure that I was seeing a mirage. Maybe I had been working harder than I thought or the heat from the sun was getting to me. How the hell did she know where to find me? I hadn’t sent an address.
She was wearing a sundress with big flowers on it and her hair was longer now. She had half of it pulled back and the other half flowed around her shoulders, whipping in the breeze. She looked absolutely breathtaking. I stood, grimacing as my legs shook from the pain.
“Are you okay?” she asked as she rushed over to me, putting an arm around my waist.
“I’m okay. Just a little stiff.” I looked down into her eyes and my breath caught. It was like looking at her for the first time. She looked back at me in concern, but I wasn’t thinking about anything other than pulling her into me and kissing her.
We stared at each other, both trying to figure out where we went from here. I had been away from her for way too long and I didn’t want to go another minute without touching her. I caressed her cheek with my hand, loving how soft her skin felt against my rough hands.
“I missed you,” I said quietly.
“I missed you, too.” I didn’t wait for an invitation. I pulled her against me and slammed my mouth down on hers, taking everything that I craved. Her lips opened for me and I slid my tongue inside, groaning when I tasted her for what felt like the first time. She wrapped her arms around me, running her fingers through my too long hair. I ran my hands down her back and squeezed her tighter to me. When she pulled back, her eyes were hooded with desire and her lips were swollen.
“That was a helluva hello,” I grinned. She laughed as she tried to catch her breath.
“Believe it or not, I hadn’t planned on walking over and kissing you.”
I tried not to read too much into that statement. I hoped that she didn’t regret kissing me and that she had come out here to tell me she wanted me back.
“Well, technically, I kissed you.”
Her beautiful smile that I had dreamed about over the past few months lit up her face. “It’s beautiful out here. I see why you live in the country now. If I grew up like this, I would hate living around people too.”
“How did you know I was here? I mean, I know I told you I was coming, but how did you find it?”
“I called Sebastian. I needed to see you.” She looked unsure now and I started to get nervous that this wasn’t the visit I had hoped for. “I started seeing someone.”
My grin faded and I took a step back, sure that I was about to fall to the ground dead. I hadn’t been with her in months, but I had assumed we would work past our issues and get back together. I hadn’t imagined that this would be how it ended.
“He’s a really great guy and I really like him.”
I nodded and looked back at the fence. Maybe I would finish this today and add on another mile of fencing. God knows I was going to have to work my frustrations out on something.
“That’s good,” I said woodenly. “You deserve to be happy.”
“Sam, he saw your letter.”
I looked back at her and frowned. “I’m sorry. I won’t write you any more. I don’t want to cause any problems for you.”
“You don’t understand. I’m saying this all wrong,” she muttered to herself. “He sent me here. I told him about us, what happened between us. He told me that I needed to come here and see if we still had something.”
“Why would he do that?” I asked in confusion. I would never tell her to go off and see if she still preferred another man.
“Because we’ve only been dating a month. He wanted me to be sure that it was over between us before he and I moved forward. He wanted me to be sure of my feelings for you because he didn’t want me having second thoughts after we’d been together for months.”
“Huh,” I grunted. “He sounds like a good guy.”
“He is. He’s the best. I mean, he’s everything that I normally look for in a man. He’s a lawyer that works with kids and he likes doing the same things I do. We always have a great time together-”
“Yeah, I get it. He’s fucking perfect,” I grunted.
“On paper, yes. But he doesn’t make me feel the way you do. He doesn’t light my body on fire or make me crave his touch. He doesn’t have your heart or make me feel like I’m the only person in the room that sees me. He doesn’t have your strength and courage. He doesn’t immediately know what I need the way you do. He doesn’t make me feel safe and protected.”
I felt anger burning in me. “What the hell do you mean you don’t feel safe with him? Has he hit you?”
“You still trust me to keep you safe after everything that happened?”
“I never stopped trusting you, Sam. I’ll admit, it freaked me out when I heard you tried to kill yourself. And I have nightmares that you went through with it, but I know it was a bad time for you. If you tell me that it won’t happen again, then I trust you.”
I couldn’t believe what she was telling me. Out of everyone in my life, she was the one person that told me she trusted me. I didn’t know if I would ever get that back with my teammates, so it meant the world to me that out of everyone, she was putting her faith in me.
“I promise, I will never do anything that stupid again. I will never willingly leave you and if things go to shit between us, you’ll have to be the one to walk away. I can’t do it again.”
“So, does that mean that I need to tell Jason we’re over?”
“If you don’t, I will and I won’t be so nice about it.”
She smacked my chest playfully. “He was nice enough to send me to you. The least you could do is be gracious about it.”
“See, that’s the thing. I would never send you off to another man. If you ended things with me because you didn’t want me anymore, I would step aside so you could be happy. But I would never tell you to go see if you had something with someone else.”
“Well, just be happy that he saw the letter when he did. I was thinking about sleeping with him that night.”
“Are you trying to piss me off, woman?”
“No, I’m just trying to make you realize how close you came to losing me. Don’t let it happen again.”
“Not a chance in hell,” I grumbled before I crushed my lips to hers.
Cazzo: A Reed Security Romance (Reed Security Series Book 3) Page 21