Her skin still tingled from his touch, how he had explored every inch of her body and she his. She’d experienced levels of euphoria in the bed of his apartment that she’d never known were possible. Suddenly Alex understood why people sang and wrote about love so much. It’s because it was soul shaking, core moving and utterly, utterly wonderful. Being with Mark had irrevocably changed Alex. She’d glimpsed love first hand, and she didn’t want to let it go; no, she refused to let it go.
If going to Princeton meant that she’d have to give up Mark, then she wasn’t sure that she could do it.
****
“I won’t let you do that!” Mark told Alex firmly as she sat looking up at him from the leather couch in his apartment. He paced angrily upon the wooden floor, pausing only to cast exasperated looks in Alex’s direction.
The late summer sun warmed the hard floor. The past few weeks together had been magical, like some delirious dream from which Alex didn’t want to wake up.
“But it’s my choice!” declared Alex.
“And a terrible one! And one I can’t let you make because I care about you too much!” Mark ceased pacing to look deep into Alex’s eyes, his face imploring her to reconsider.
“But I want to stay here and be with you,” Alex told him earnestly. “I love you.”
Mark stiffened slightly at the word and sighed.
It suddenly struck Alex that despite her numerous usages of the four-letter word that changes everything in a relationship, Mark hadn’t once said it back to her. He’d consistently reminded her of how much he cared about her but never once mentioned love. Alex began to feel incredibly foolish and very much the naïve love-struck teenager she had become.
“I can’t let you give up this experience for me,” he told her softly as he sat down beside her, taking her hands in his.
“But I want to.”
“No, you don’t,” Mark immediately corrected her. “Right now, you think you want to, but if you stayed… within a week, a month, maybe even a year you’d begin to regret your decision.”
“You don’t know that,” Alex whispered, a slight tremor rippling through her body.
“I do, though.” Mark spoke with wisdom that can only be gained through experience.
“College will change you,” he told her with certainty. “It will challenge you in ways you never imagined, and as a result you will grow, and inevitably you will change.”
“But I’d still feel the same about you!” Alex cried, feeling like the heroine in some black-and-white movie, begging the man she loved not to go to war but knowing that he’d leave her anyway, no matter what she said or how much she meant it.
“Maybe, maybe not,” Mark told her gently. “But you need to go there and find out. I promise you that going to Princeton will be the greatest thing you’ve ever done. Don’t be one of those women who are defined by a man. Stand on your own two feet; forge your own way in life.”
“Don’t end up like my mom, you mean,” Alex remarked, her voice small.
“When your mom lost your dad, she lost everything: her home, her entire way of life. Don’t make the same mistake she did; don’t rely on a man. Rely only on yourself.”
Alex didn’t like to admit that perhaps she had been leaning too heavily on Mark, using him as the security blanket she’d desperately missed since her father died. Her heart burned with the knowledge that he was speaking the truth. That as much as she loved him and wanted to spend each and every day by his side, she had to go and follow her own dreams and be her own person.
“But I’ll miss you,” Alex spluttered as tears began to fall freely down her cheeks.
“I’ll miss you too.” Mark pulled her into his arms. There was nothing sensual about the embrace; there was only tenderness between them in that moment.
“Did you enjoy college?” Alex asked as they parted.
“Very much.” Mark nodded.
“What did you do there? Go to loads of wild parties?” Alex joked.
“Some, yeah.” Mark smiled fondly at the memory. “I also fell in love for the first time.” The words stung Alex, especially since he was so reluctant to say that he loved her.
“You did?”
“Yeah, I fell in love with a science major called Liz. She meant everything to me, and for a time I never believed I’d be without her,” Mark reminisced.
“But you’re without her now,” Alex pointed out.
“Yes, I am. Because people change.”
“I won’t change.”
“You will, Alex. But for the better. You’ll reconnect with the girl you abandoned at fourteen and make real friends with similar interests. You won’t have to hide who you are, and that will be so liberating for you. If you stay here, with me, you’ll become the source of cruel local gossip. When you go out and about, people will point and whisper about you. You deserve better than that. When people single you out, they should be doing so to praise you for what you’ve done with your life, not because you’re marred in scandal.”
“Don’t you want me to stay?”
“I want what is best for you.” Mark chose his words carefully. “And what’s best for you is going to Princeton.”
“This Liz, why did you stop loving her?” Alex asked, unable to hide her insecurity over this skeleton that had fallen from Mark’s closet.
Mark paused and looked thoughtful. He wanted to tell Alex the truth… that he’d stopped hanging onto his past the moment she walked into his life. He wanted her to know how beautiful she was to him and how he loved her with every fiber of his being, and that it was killing him to send her away. But she had to leave, and that also meant that she couldn’t know that he loved her, not now. If she heard the words, she’d stay; Mark knew that. It would be selfish of him to deny her the future she’d earned just to keep her to himself.
“I fell out of love because we both changed,” Mark answered simply.
“So you think I’ll fall out of love with you when I go to college?” Alex asked as she read between the lines of his comment.
“It’s a risk we have to take.”
Alex’s eyes were sore from crying, and she was emotionally drained. The fact that Mark hadn’t said he loved her kept gnawing at the back of her mind to the point where she knew she just had to leave. She’d have stayed for a man who loved her, but not for one who didn’t.
“I’ve got to go and pack,” she told him, getting up off the couch.
“Want me to drive you to the station?”
“No.” Alex shook her head, her blonde curls swishing across her back. “You’ve already done so much for me. Thank you, for everything.” She hugged Mark, leaning against him and not seeing the tears that were welling up in his eyes.
“Here,” he said, handing Alex a small, white envelope that had her name neatly written on it.
“What’s this?”
“A good luck card,” Mark quickly explained. “But you can’t open it until you’re at Princeton or else it’s bad luck.”
“Okay.” Alex tucked the card into her bag and thought nothing more of it.
****
Jackie Heron stood with her son and daughter on the train station platform. The train that would take her daughter away to college had just pulled in, and people were already boarding through the automatic doors.
“Are you sure you’ve got everything?” Jackie asked nervously for the millionth time.
“Yes, Mom, I’ve got everything,” Alex said, smiling.
“And you’ll call me as soon as you get there?”
“The moment I’m in my dorm room, I’ll call.”
“Give your sister a hug,” Jackie ordered Andy, needing a distraction from her own mounting emotions.
Andy momentarily ceased being a typical teenager and stepped forward to embrace his sister. He held her tight, as if not wanting to let go.
“I’ll miss you, Andy,” Alex whispered to him. “Though I bet you can’t wait to get the bedroom to yourself!”
�
�Haha, yeah, you were cramping my style.” Andy gave her a crooked smile as she stepped away.
“But thanks, Alex,” he told her sincerely.
“For what? Cramping your style?” Alex joked.
“For showing me that despite everything, despite losing dad and our home and going to crappy schools, we can still achieve great things.” Andy shifted his feet awkwardly, his macho bravado pained at admitting something so intimate.
“We need to reach for the stars,” Alex told him. “It’s what dad would have wanted.”
“He’d be so proud right now!” Jackie sobbed, reaching into her purse for a much-needed tissue.
“I know.” Alex stepped forward to hug her mother, who smelt of vanilla and car fumes. They held each other for a long time, neither wanting to let go. Once they let go, Alex would have to board her train and leave her old life in Woodsdale and commence her new life at Princeton.
“I’ll miss you so much.” Jackie sobbed.
“I’ll miss you too,” Alex said tearfully, wiping at her eyes with her sleeve.
A whistle shrieked out over the platform, informing travelers that the train would be leaving imminently.
“I’ve got to go.” Alex looked back at the train.
“You take care!” Jackie ordered, watching her daughter lift her bag onto the train, wobbling slightly beneath the weight of the backpack she was also wearing.
Alex waved from the doorway of the train and then settled at a window seat so she could continue to wave goodbye to her family.
“Work hard!” Jackie cried to her daughter through the train window. “Have fun, go out, but not too much! And use condoms!”
Jackie attracted a few bemused looks for her last piece of advice, but she was oblivious. She cared only for her daughter, who was about to pull away from the station.
Beneath her feet Alex could feel the engine of the train rumbling to life, and seconds later it began to slowly pull away from the platform, the distance between her and her family growing. Alex waved fervently at them and tried to stop from crying. She pictured her dad standing there with them, how he’d have waved along with them, a massive smile across his face, about to burst with pride.
Alex turned and sighed deeply, her hands trembling with emotion. She’d done it. She was off to find her old self, off to once more be Alexandra Heron. She’d thought that perhaps Mark would have come to wave her off, and she felt a sudden sinking feeling in her stomach at the realization that perhaps he didn’t really care about her at all.
Filled with saddened longing, Alex glanced back out to the last section of the platform, her mother and brother now out of sight, and there he was. Mark cut a lone handsome figure as he stood at the far end of the platform, watching the train depart. His eyes were homed in on Alex, and as she drew closer, he raised his hand and waved to her, his face pulled into a bittersweet smile. Alex waved back, relieved that he’d come to say goodbye, even if it had only been a brief exchange.
The train pulled out of Woodsdale, away from the trailer park and the 7-Eleven and all the ghosts of Alex’s past, which had haunted her for so long. It was taking her somewhere new, somewhere full of opportunity, and she allowed herself to finally be excited about the prospect of it all.
“It’s all for you, Dad,” she whispered to the ether before putting on her headphones and settling down for the long journey ahead.
Epilogue
Alex had almost finished unpacking her few belongings in her new Princeton dorm room. Her roommate hadn’t yet arrived, so Alex had chosen the bed beneath the window, which overlooked luscious green lawns that were already a hive of activity as students filtered into the campus, wide eyed and innocent and eager to learn.
One item that Alex treasured was placed on her bedside table. It was a framed picture of her whole family, taken when she was thirteen, around a year before her father died. They’d gone to a charity ball, so they were all dressed in their finest. They looked every inch the perfect American family.
Next to that picture Alex placed a more recent one, taken just days before she had left for Princeton. It was of her and her mother and brother, all hugging just outside of their trailer. A neighbor had kindly taken it for them. What Alex noticed in both pictures was that their smiles were just as broad, just as full of love and happiness despite the drastic change in circumstances. It warmed her heart to think that despite everything, they’d found happiness again.
The pictures were placed together—a brief history of Alex’s complicated life. She was determined that here at Princeton she wouldn’t hide herself or who she was; she was happy to put it out there for all to see. She finally felt at peace, as if she was who she was and where she was meant to be.
As Alex began to put her now empty bags away, she noticed a white envelope on the floor. Picking it up, she realized it was the good luck card Mark had given her when she last saw him. Opening it up, sure enough there was a card with a green shamrock on the front and in silver lettering the words ‘Good Luck.’ Inside, however, there was a neatly written message that made Alex’s breath catch in her throat.
My dearest Alexandra,
By now you should be at Princeton and embarking upon your dream. I cannot tell you how proud I am of you. Watching you work and strive for this goal has rekindled my belief in the human spirit and reminded me why I wanted to go into teaching in the first place.
Moreover, the strength you continually show, despite the hardships you’ve endured, just make me fall more madly in love with you. Letting you leave was easily the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I know that you are destined for great things! I could not have lived with myself if I’d been the reason you remained in Woodsdale; believe me when I tell you how desperately I wanted you to.
So good luck, my darling. I hope the college experience is everything you always dreamed it would be. And in four years’ time, when your studies have concluded and you are a Princeton graduate, should you not have changed and still love me, then know I’ll be here in Woodsdale, waiting for you. If you don’t return to me, it doesn’t mean that I’ll stop loving you.
Go be great.
All my love,
Mark (Mr. Simmons) :)
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Don’t stop now… Continue reading book 2, Letters of Love on Amazon:
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Bonus!
Book 2: Letters of Love, Chapter 1
Freshman Year
Alex glanced fondly at the framed picture of her father that now sat proudly beside her bed in her dorm room at Princeton University. She knew he’d be immensely proud of her and imagined what he might say if he’d been there.
“I knew you could do it, Alexandra. You’re destined for great things.” He always believed in her, more than anyone else. With him gone, it had been hard for Alex to believe in herself again. It wasn’t until Mark came along that she truly reconnected with the ambitious girl she once was.
Wrapped up in her own thoughts, Alex jumped as the door to her room swung open. Standing in the corridor, carrying several pieces of designer luggage, was a petite, bronzed brunette, who instantly smiled when she spotted Alex, revealing immaculate white teeth.
“Are you Alexandra?” the girl asked, instantly dropping all her luggage and climbing over them to come and embrace Alex.
“Yeah, that’s me.” Alex barely had a chance to respond before being caught in a tight embrace. The mysterious girl smelt of cherries and the ocean.
“Oh my gosh, I’m so excited to meet you! I’m Ashley, your roommate!” Ashley beamed broadly at Alex. Her enthusiasm was infectious, and Alex found herself smiling back with equal verve.
“Nice to meet you, Ashley.”
“Call me Ash.”
“Okay.”
“And do you prefer Alexandra or just Alex? Or something else entirely?” Ashley quickly asked.
“Alex is fine.” Alex nodded. As much as she liked her full name, it often sounded t
oo ostentatious. Alex was short, simple and easy to remember.
“We are going to have so much fun!” Ashley almost squealed with delight.
“Where are you from?” Alex enquired, glancing back briefly at the pile of luggage that had been momentarily abandoned in the corridor, wondering how everything within them would fit into their modestly small dorm room.
Their room consisted of two twin beds on opposite walls. There were two nightstands, two desks with swivel chairs, and one medium-sized closet. The communal toilets and bathrooms were located down the hallway. Everything was clean and appeared relatively new but also simple. Any trimmings would have to be supplied by the students.
The only piece of décor Alex had added to her room was a Radiohead poster that she’d hung proudly above her bed.
“I’m from L.A.” Ashley smiled, looking beyond Alex at the poster on the wall.
“Did you put that up?” she asked suddenly, pointing a bright pink nail at the poster.
“Uh huh.”
“Urgh, I hate that band. They are, like, the kind of music you listen to when you want to end it all.”
“They’re not so bad,” Alex replied defensively.
Ashley shrugged dismissively and began to haul her luggage in, one piece at a time. Alex went to help, surprised by how heavy it all was.
“You carried all these in yourself?” she asked, panting beneath the weight of a particularly large Louis Vuitton bag.
“No, my dad brought most of it up, but I didn’t want him to come to the room with me. He can be kind of overbearing. Guess most dads are like that.”
Alex squirmed a little at the topic of fathers.
“What’s your dad like?” Ashley asked as she continued to pull her luggage towards her side of the room.
“My dad’s dead,” Alex replied simply, deciding that she wanted to start her life at Princeton being honest and upfront. There was no more hiding from her past, no more denying who she was.
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