by Shelia Grace
“Please, by all means, continue. I’ve been having a really shitty week and would love any opportunity to kick the shit out of the three of you.”
Sitting up, I stared at three asshats from the second floor. One of them was holding a can of shaving cream. Then I saw Ryan standing behind them. Glancing down, I saw shaving cream all over me. Shit! They backed up as Ryan walked between them, and I watched as they ran for the stairwell. Ryan offered me his hand and picked up my backpack.
“Sorry it took me so long to get over here,” he muttered. “Come on. Let’s get you cleaned up.”
He pulled me down the hall.
“You have a change of clothes in here?”
He pointed to my bag, and I nodded. When we got to the bathroom, Ryan gestured toward the door.
“I’ll be right here.”
I nodded again and pushed open the door. Hurrying into one of the shower stalls, I stripped down and turned on the water. As I rinsed the shaving cream out of my hair, I thought about the picture from the university’s brochure of the two roommates sitting on their beds across from one another and laughing. The caption had read: Dorm Life. Well, not mine. I started crying, and then I couldn’t stop.
Why the fuck had I run away from the person I was fucking in love with? The person who had just shown up in the middle of the night after my bitch of a roommate had locked me out again? Letting the water run across my face, I let out a sob. Oh, yeah. Right. He didn’t feel the same way.
Getting out, I dried off as best I could with my travel towel before dressing quickly in the outfit I had packed for tomorrow morning. Then I tied my hair back and went to the sink to brush my teeth. My eyes were all puffy and red, but there was nothing I could do about it now. When I opened the bathroom door, Ryan was leaning against the opposite wall looking like a perfect combination of a sun god and a knight in shining armor.
“Thanks for waiting.”
He nodded and started walking down the hall.
“Sorry,” I mumbled. “Really. I wouldn’t have texted you if it hadn’t been a really bad night.”
“And that’s supposed to make me feel better?” he asked darkly.
I didn’t say anything, instead choosing to follow him quietly as we walked downstairs. He opened the door and held it for me. I walked toward his motorcycle, annoyed with myself for being so thrilled to see him again. Ryan got on the bike and offered his hand, and I couldn’t help thinking of the first time as I climbed on behind him. I felt a wave of relief as I wrapped my hands around his waist. Fuck, I had missed him. The feel of him. The smell of him. The way he looked at me, even when he was irritated.
Maybe I could sleep with him, I thought desperately. Because, in the end, would it really matter that he didn’t love me back? Sometimes it felt like he did. … When he looked at me. When he touched me. Maybe I could just pretend.
Of course, deep down I would know the truth, but still. Maybe it was good enough. I swallowed. Damn. I sounded like a fucking pill addict on L.A. Medical.
Just one more hit, please. Then I’ll be good.
Was that what Ryan was? A drug? A substance I couldn’t give up?
A few minutes later, we pulled up in front of his house, and he helped me off the bike. As we walked up the stairs, a wave of guilt hit me. Why in the holy fuck had I texted him? It wasn’t fair to beg for his help after what I did. But seeing him now? It was more than I expected to have again, which made me euphoric—and conflicted.
When he opened the front door, Finn practically crashed into my knees. Kneeling down, I squeezed the damn dog since I couldn’t do the same to Ryan. By the time I finally looked up at my savior, the blue of his eyes was dark and dangerous.
“Can I take him around the block?” I asked meekly.
“Do you know what time it is?”
I looked down.
“Never mind.”
Ryan sighed and walked toward the back of the house, returning a moment later with Finn’s leash. His dog started to bounce up and down like he was on springs, and I felt pretty much the same way.
“Just around the block,” he warned.
I nodded solemnly, and Ryan took off his jacket and handed it to me.
“What about you?”
He shook his head as we stepped outside. It felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. A really good one. Like I had sworn off chocolate for life and then found one last bar. I kept telling myself that if I could just have this one more night with him, then I’d be fine for the rest of time. It was a lie, but it was what I was telling myself to survive.
I glanced over at Ryan as we walked. He didn’t look quite as happy as I was feeling. Finn, though, looked ecstatic, but wasn’t that the way dogs looked all the time—like the walk they were on was the best fucking thing in the world? I patted him on a head.
“My dog likes you better than he likes me,” Ryan muttered.
“Oh, please,” I smiled, secretly pleased.
We walked in silence for several minutes before Ryan looked over at me.
“Are you going to tell me about your really bad night?”
“You mean other than getting locked out of my fucking room again and waking up with shaving cream all over me?” I asked with a strangled laugh.
He nodded.
“Did I tell you about my friend Rachel?”
“You mentioned her that first night at Shorenberger.”
“Well, we went to high school together, and we were really good friends. Then we got up here, moved into different dorms, and Rachel found out she liked to party … a lot. Like tonight. I was supposed to stay over there, but I couldn’t take it anymore. Plus, some creepy guy from the suite next door was following me around half the night. And Julie went home for the weekend, so when Brit locked me out for the millionth fucking time, my only option was the couch in the lounge. So, please, tell me things get easier after this.”
“Better than the dorms?”
I nodded.
“Absolutely not. Living in the dorms was the pinnacle of my college experience.”
I smirked at him.
“Yeah. It probably was. Girls falling at your feet, twenty-four-hour party, everyone worshipping your awesomeness.”
“Ah, the good old days.”
I laughed, feeling a hundred million times happier than I had earlier in the night. When we got back to Ryan’s house, I walked in and was instantly overwhelmed by memories of the first time I had been here. It wasn’t that long ago, but it felt like forever. Like I had known Ryan half my life.
Walking into his living room, I stopped and looked around. There was music playing—and there were two glasses of wine on the table. Holy … shit. Ryan walked in behind me, and I felt some of my happiness from a second ago collapse in on itself as I turned and looked at where he was leaning against the wall. I cringed.
“Oh, no. Shit. You were on a date. Oh my god. I’m so sorry. This is so bad.”
I didn’t know which was worse—sleeping on the couch in the lounge and getting smothered in shaving cream, or coming back here and witnessing the remnants of Ryan’s date night.
“It wasn’t a date. It was my polite attempt at a brush-off,” Ryan said mildly.
“Oh.”
I swallowed and tried to smile, but it wasn’t working. Then, on impulse, I walked over to him and went up on my toes, brushing the side of his face with my palm, reveling in the feeling of his stubble. I rested my hands on his shoulders and reached until I could to kiss the side of his neck. His skin was hot, and suddenly his breathing became harsh. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
“Ryan, I want you … to make love to me,” I whispered so quietly I wasn’t sure if he heard me.
The way I saw it, I could wait around forever for a guy to come along who felt the same way as I did. But what if this was it? What if this was as close as I was going to get? Wasn’t it better to love someone than to wait around for someone who might love me back? It made sense, sort of. The only
thing I could be sure of was my own feelings. Or maybe I was just rationalizing it to myself. Suddenly Ryan snatched my hands off his shoulders, startling me out of my fantasy that he would just pick me up, carry me back to his room, and show me what to do.
“Are you actually trying to make me insane?” he snapped, stepping away from me.
“What? No.” I tried to keep the tears from collecting in the corners of my eyes. “I just don’t want it to be someone else. I want it to be … you.”
He was staring at me in a way that scared me. I shook my head.
“God, never mind. I shouldn’t have said anything. It was completely stupid. Forget it.”
I hurried over to the couch and sat down, slipping off my shoes and tucking my feet under me. I hugged my arms to my chest and tried not to cry. I had no idea what had just made me do something so freaking stupid. He had interrupted his date—or whatever it had been—to come pick me up after I ran—literally ran—away from him last week. And then I rewarded him by unleashing super-crazy Alex on him? He probably thought I was a total freak. And I was. I didn’t even know what I wanted.
Well, that wasn’t true. I wanted something I couldn’t have. I let the tears stream silently down my cheeks and hoped Ryan would just go into his bedroom and leave me alone to cry myself to sleep. When he cracked his knuckles, I stiffened.
Chapter 22
Ryan
I had known guys in undergrad whose only thrill had been the chase. As soon as the girl in question had given it up, they lost all interest. The thing that destroyed me now was that Alex was willing to sacrifice herself for someone who didn’t deserve her, and that asshole was me. Yes, I wanted her, probably more than I had wanted anything in my life. But the price was too high. I wanted to be able to look at myself in the mirror in the morning.
“Alex …”
She didn’t answer me. She just shook her head. I glanced down at Finn, who had curled up at the foot of the couch. I was seriously wondering if my dog would take a chunk of my leg as I approached her.
“Have you ever wanted something so badly that it clouded your judgment?” I asked quietly.
She laughed, but it was high-pitched and breathless.
“Yeah. Duh. You!”
Walking over to her, I knelt in front of her and kept an eye on my dog, who was regarding me warily. Fucking ingrate. I reached forward carefully and wiped the tears from her cheeks.
“Then we have the same problem,” I sighed. “And Alex, I’m not going to do something that you’re going to regret tomorrow.”
As I said this, I couldn’t help reaching out and stroking the soft skin of her wrist. Her pupils dilated and her breathing sped up, which made me wonder if she had any idea how much restraint I had summoned just a few seconds ago to prevent myself from carrying her into the bedroom and stripping off her clothes.
“Come on. Let’s get ready for bed,” I said quietly, retracting my hand.
She rose slowly and then walked over to her backpack, where she out a small bag and a pair of shorts that redefined short.
“Do you have a T-shirt I can borrow? Those assholes kind of destroyed the one I was going to wear at Rachel’s—and she spilled something all over my other shirt.”
Going to the bedroom, I went through my drawers and brought back a white T-shirt that would easily fall past the pair of shorts she was holding. She smiled and took it before walking into the hall bathroom. With a heavy sigh, I went into the bedroom to change, knowing that I was getting ready for a long night of no sleep. Putting on a pair of flannel pajama bottoms, I grinned as I remembered the look on Alex’s face when she had caught me that first night. Her eyes had literally been glued to my cock—which was exactly the wrong thing to think about right now.
Stepping into the hall, I saw the light on in the guest bedroom. Common sense and better judgment flew out the fucking window as I thought about … lots of things. Watching her come. Feeling her small, soft hands on my cock. Watching her face the moment I would finally take her for the first time. I pushed open the door without knocking and scooped her up. Carrying her down the hall into my room, I set her down on the bed. When she looked up at me, her green eyes haunted me.
“Alex, I want to deserve you,” I said as I touched her cheek.
She reached for me as I came down on top of her, and when I brought my lips to hers, she whimpered desperately. Kissing her throat, I felt a wave of pure relief as her arms wrapped around me.
“I missed you,” she whispered.
And that’s when I realized exactly how shit-awful this week had been. I had been so afraid that I was never going to see her again, and even now, part of me was sure that I was about to wake up alone and drenched in fucking sweat. Then Alex’s hand stroked me through the flannel. I groaned, and she smiled and squirmed out from under me, reaching over and opening the drawer of the nightstand.
“So predictable,” she laughed.
Pulling out the box of condoms, she smirked at her discovery, and I was beyond grateful—for once—that the box had remained unopened for longer than I cared to think about. Snatching it out of her hand, I pinned her to the bed.
“No,” I growled.
“Why not?” she demanded.
“Did you even think of asking if I’ve been tested?”
She blinked.
“Have you?”
“Yes, for every disease known to man after I broke up with Gretchen.”
“And after that?” she asked with an adorably mortified look.
“There hasn’t been an after that.”
“Really?”
“Really,” I said dryly, releasing her arms.
She sat up.
“How long—”
“A long time.”
“Wow …”
“Thank you, Ms. Reed.”
She blushed.
“It’s not that. I mean, you had someone here tonight, didn’t you? I just figured you must have plenty of opportunity, so …”
“Do you take every opportunity that presents itself?”
She blushed even redder.
“Well, I was trying to tonight.”
I leaned back against the headboard and pulled her into my arms. When she looked up at me, I smiled.
“Then what you said just last week about not being ready for sex isn’t applicable now?” I asked.
“No. I mean, it’s just I’d rather it be you than someone I don’t even …” She frowned. “I don’t know. I guess I figured it would be easier to pretend that you loved me back than to pretend I was in love with someone else.”
I exhaled and brushed my free hand over my face.
“Are you always this honest?”
“Nope. I’m just too tired to lie.”
“Alex?”
She looked up at me.
“Can we make a deal?”
Her brow furrowed.
“What kind of deal?”
“To be patient with each other.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I don’t want to lose you …”
She was quiet for several seconds.
“When my dad stopped coming around, I kind of decided it was better not to get too invested. You know, in case people left. I didn’t really plan it that way; I just started doing it. I didn’t want to expect too much, so I just let go whenever it seemed like people weren’t going to stick around. I guess it’s fucked up, but I tried doing that with you. I didn’t want to feel like I needed you.”
I would have laughed if it had been at all funny how similar we were. The difference between us, though, was that she was brave enough to own it; I wasn’t. I leaned down and took her face in my palm, kissing her softly. Six months ago, if someone had asked me if I would ever willingly torture myself this way, the answer would have been a resounding fuck no. Now I couldn’t wait to torture myself. Alex turned in my arms and slid her hands over my chest.
“I thought you were tired,” I whispered in her ear.
<
br /> She laughed breathlessly.
“I was …”
Lifting her until her legs were straddling me, I watched as her expression became serious. Slowly I pulled the shirt over her head before skating my hands across her breasts, teasing her nipples before letting my hands fall to her hips. I rocked her forward gently. Her eyes closed, and a small moan escaped her lips as her back arched. When I began moving her faster against me, she braced herself on my shoulders. Lifting her, I pulled her gently to the edge of the bed her until I could pull off her shorts and kneel in front of her.
She blinked and tried to close her legs, but when I kissed her knee softly, she relented. I began to spread her open. Then, lowering my mouth to the wet heat of her pussy, I let my tongue flick out and touch her clit. Alex jerked in my arms and whimpered. I held her hips firmly and began to stroke her with my tongue, teasing her until she began to writhe against me.
The taste of her and the sound of her cries pushed me over the edge. I pulled her all the way onto the bed before coming down next to her as I let my fingers slip between the folds of her pussy, caressing her clit before moving lower. I hesitated before testing the entrance very gently with my fingers.
“I need you to be this wet when we make love.”
Her eyes opened, and her breathing became quick and jagged. I was desperate to be inside her, but I slowed my breathing and forced myself to enjoy the fact that she was here, only moments from coming in my arms. I began to stroke her clit faster until she moaned.
“Yes, Alex. Now,” I growled.
Seconds later she stiffened in my arms, her hips rocking toward me until she went limp in my arms. She lay completely still for several seconds before struggling to sit up and placing her hands on my chest. I let her push me onto the bed, watching as she began to pull down the flannel pants. The sight of her staring at down at me made my cock jump, but when I saw her reaching for the box of condoms, I frowned.
“Not what you’re thinking,” she laughed.
“How do you know?”
She opened the box and carefully ripped open one of the packets, examining it stoically. In the interest of expediency, I took it from her and pinched the tip as I rolled it on. With her legs straddling me, Alex leaned forward and sucked the tip of my cock into her mouth. Fuck me. I struggled for control as her hand gripped the base and she took me all the way into her mouth. Her tongue stroked me, and I groaned when she sucked me deeper.