“Not really. Honestly, I wish I could forget.”
I meant it too. Sure, it was mostly amazing, but that was the problem. It was amazing and right, and apparently it could never be duplicated. As much as I never tried to compare my relationship with Ian to any others I’ve had, I did. The standard had been set, and I guess I wanted nothing less. Unfortunately, I’d never even come close, and I’d tried and tried. Well, not lately, but you can only try so many times before you get really discouraged.
My response disappointed them, but I just couldn’t talk about him, especially with him coming over here. The less everyone knew, the better. It was bad enough that I knew, and of course, that Ian knew. I still remembered how distasteful it was for him to know that I loved him. That’s something a girl doesn’t forget and something she doesn’t really want other people to know. It was still embarrassing and hurtful, but I guessed I was going to have to get over that if I wanted to keep working at Chandler.
“We understand, honey,” Holly said.
“Can I ask why you invited him for dinner?”
Holly went back to meal prep; she seemed to want to leave that question for Boss to answer. Boss rubbed the back of his neck.
“We …”
Holly turned around and gave him the eye.
“Ok, I thought it would be a good idea if you two got reacquainted outside the office. I thought perhaps I could smooth things over,” he amended.
“So this is a therapy session?” I joked.
“Kelli, this isn’t going to work without you on board, and I feel terrible about the situation I’ve placed you in. I need to know you’re going to be alright. The company is secondary to you in this situation.”
I walked over and hugged Boss. I took a deep breath. “I love you, Boss. You don’t need to worry about me. He’s just a man after all.”
Boss squeezed me tight. “Yeah, well, I know men, Kelli. And I know you, and I’ve never seen you react like you did yesterday. ”
I tried to wave off his concern. “I was just caught off guard, that’s all.”
I don’t think either he or Holly believed that, but it was the best I could do. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth when it came to Ian. If I had to work with him, I needed to pretend like we never knew each other, that I never loved him, and that he didn’t reject me. I wasn’t sure how I was going to accomplish that, but not talking about it was a good place to start. Of course, Amanda already knew, which meant Zane knew too, but there wasn’t anything I could do to change that.
“Again, had I known Kelli …”
I looked Boss straight in the eye. “You would have made the same decision, and that’s ok. You’re a businessman too.”
He squeezed me again. “Someday that office will be yours, Kelli … that is, unless you find something else that makes you happier.”
I let go of him and looked at him squarely again. The way he’d said that was interesting. He just winked at me and then asked Holly what he could do to help. I pitched in as well. It was like old times, except that I was fretting on the inside worrying about Ian showing up. For Boss’ and Holly’s sake, I needed to put on my game face. I didn’t want them worrying about me or their company when they should be relaxing and enjoying retirement and their family. I could be a big girl about this; I just needed to act as if the best year of my life never happened. Easy, right?
Just as we finished setting the table, the doorbell rang. It kind of made me jump. I was a little too on edge; I needed to relax and get my head in the game. I laughed to myself as I thought of a line from the movie “Frozen” I had taken my nieces to see over winter break, “Conceal, don’t feel.” I seriously thought that was going to become my new motto.
As Boss went to answer the door, Holly joined me at the table and gave me a quick squeeze. “Life has a way of giving us what we need, not always what we want, but if we’re smart, we’ll realize that’s what we wanted all along.”
I tilted my head to the side and started to respond to her curious advice, but Boss walked back with Ian. I closed my eyes for a split second, breathed in deeply, and put on a counterfeit smile that would have passed for the real deal any day. Ian seemed to immediately look my way. He smiled wide at me. So far my plan was working. In fact, everyone was looking at me and smiling; I could tell Boss didn’t quite buy it, but what could he say now?
After the greeting pleasantries, we were seated. Ian and I ended up next to each other, whether by design or accident I couldn’t tell, but no matter, I was concealing not feeling. I smiled inward at my “Frozen” reference. I couldn’t wait to tell Amanda. She was so tired of hearing the girls sing the songs from that film. Now I could tell her about the real life application and give her a laugh.
The dinner started off a little awkward. I’m not sure anyone knew what to say right off. Thankfully, Holly was a gracious hostess. “So Ian, tell us how you like Nashville so far. Have you found a place to settle in yet?”
He looked at me tentatively. “It’s been interesting, but I’m looking forward to getting to know the city better. And for the interim I’m staying at the Westin. I have an idea of where I’d like to land, but I’m just not sure yet.”
I wondered if he was in one of the penthouses the Westin offered. It was hard to imagine Ian in a penthouse. I had always known he would be successful, but when I knew him, he lived in a small basement apartment with an untidy roommate named Jeff. Ian only put up with him because he paid half the rent.
“I would be happy to put you in touch with a friend of mine that’s a realtor,” Holly offered.
“Thank you, but I don’t think that will be necessary.”
Maybe that meant he wasn’t planning on staying long. I tried not to get my hopes up too high.
Holly and Boss went on to tell Ian all of the great places he needed to go and where the best neighborhoods were. I stayed mostly quiet, unless I was asked a question. I knew Holly and Boss were trying to engage me; they talked about lots of my favorite places, like Cheekwood, some of the plantations, and of course the Grand Ole Opry. All I offered up was my agreement that they were worth visiting. Ian kept looking my way and looking disappointed. I just smiled. It was better than crying or screaming, because that’s what I really wanted to do. I wanted to know why he couldn’t have loved me, why he had to look so darn good, and why, oh why, did he have to come here?
Then things got really interesting. “So, will your family be joining you soon? This is a great place to raise a family.” Holly winked at me.
From our conversation in the kitchen, I got the feeling she already knew he didn’t have a family. What was she playing at?
Ian set his fork down and cleared his throat. “I’m sure it is, but I’m single.”
She smiled mischievously. “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought Gary had mentioned a wife?”
Holly looked to Gary, and Gary and Ian both looked at me. I’m not sure why.
Ian was definitely uncomfortable. His skin even pinked a little. I tried to be unfazed by it. I was thankful I had googled him last night, even though it hadn’t been enough to rule out the possibility he could have remarried after his divorce. Ian spoke to Holly, but he looked at me. I tried not to look in those deep brown eyes of his, and I tried not to remember what it was like to touch his face, which was now showing signs of a five o’clock shadow.
“No need to apologize. I’m divorced,” he said hesitantly.
“Well, I’m sorry to hear that,” Holly said, but she didn’t look sorry at all.
“It was for the best,” he said so matter-of-factly, I couldn’t tell if he was upset by it or not. Not like I cared. Right?
I needed a change of subject, and I needed him to quit looking at me. I quickly spoke up. “Holly, Boss said you got some new pictures of your grandbabies.”
Thankfully that did the trick. Holly jumped right up and went to retrieve the pictures. Boss just looked at me inquisitively. He knew me too well.
Ian thankfully turned his attention to Boss. “How many grandkids do you have?”
Boss’ face lit up like the Times Square’s Christmas tree. He was ever the proud grandpa. “Three.” He went on to brag, and rightly so, about his babies, Sara, Ethan Jr. and Camden.
Holly quickly rejoined us and passed out the new pictures and, of course, added to the bragging. Camden was just starting to walk, Ethan was the star pupil in kindergarten, and Sara, the eight-year-old, had just started piano, just to name a few of their many wonderful qualities. I oohed and ahhed at the adorable pictures, and fortunately the grandkids took us all the way through dinner.
I enthusiastically offered to help clear the table and clean the kitchen with Holly.
“I’ve got it, honey. Why don’t you just relax,” Holly said as she made her way to the kitchen.
But I wasn’t taking no for an answer. I would be more relaxed at my annual gynecologist appointment than I would be sitting there with Ian. My limit for concealing had just about expired for the evening. I hoped the longer I was around Ian, the easier it would get and I would gain the stamina I needed to completely hide my true feelings around him.
While in the kitchen, Holly sidled up to me. “Wow, he is quite handsome. Did he look like that when you knew him?”
“He’s a better dresser now, and he used to wear glasses.”
He looked like he had stepped out of the pages of GQ, even though he was more casual tonight. He wore designer jeans and a perfectly pressed shirt and canvas jacket that looked tailored to fit him. He was definite eye candy, but like I said before, I missed the boring khakis and polos and even the glasses. I had to quit thinking of the past. I reminded myself I didn’t know the man that was impeccably dressed and who was now my boss. The thought made me want to cry. Why did he have to be the new director?
“Well, I imagine he looked good then too.”
I just shook my head in agreement.
“He seems nice too,” she causally said as we were loading the dishwasher.
I just nodded my head again. He had been nice. It was one of the reasons I really fell for him. He could have made me feel like a real idiot when he tutored me because, for some reason, calculus was very difficult for me to understand, but he was patient and he took the time to explain it until I got it, even if it took several times.
“Are you ok, sweetie?”
I came out of my memory. “Who, me? Of course.”
“You were awfully quiet at dinner.”
I smiled and lied. “That’s because that pasta dish was so amazing. I need the recipe.”
She laughed. “You’ve always been a terrible liar.”
I laughed too. “I’m just trying to adjust. But, seriously, I want that recipe.”
She touched my cheek. “I’ll get you the recipe, but you should know I’m here if you need to talk.”
I hugged her. “What would I ever do without you and Boss?”
She squeezed tighter. “You’ll never have to know.”
I really did love them. Too bad it couldn’t have worked out with me and Luke. They would have been the best in-laws ever, and they would have pictures of my cuties on the fridge too. If only Luke could have gotten his act together. He would have been the director. It was Boss’ hope to turn over his company to his son someday, but Luke unfortunately was the poster boy for substance abuse.
Holly and I put dessert together: strawberry shortcake. We each took two and brought them back out to the dining room. Of course Holly served Gary. That left me to serve Ian.
Ian touched my hand when I set down his dessert in front of him, and he looked up at me. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” I responded quietly.
My hand tingled, and I felt a tad warm from the touch. I took a breath and reminded myself to be completely unfazed by him.
As soon as I sat down, Ian turned toward me. “Gary told me the good news. You’ve rescinded your resignation.” He sounded very pleased.
I just smiled closed mouth.
Gary raised his glass of water to me. “To our girl.” Then he looked at the both of us. “May this be the beginning of the most successful chapter Chandler Media has ever opened. I’m expecting great things from this partnership.”
Ian looked at me and raised his glass. “I second that.”
I turned quickly from him and raised my own glass and looked at Gary. “To the best boss a girl could ever ask for.”
And that’s where I slipped. A single tear escaped. I quickly wiped it away, but not before Ian noticed. I wasted no time in turning to my dessert for comfort. I tried not to focus on the conversation going on around me. I was ready to go home, and it wasn’t too long after dessert that I made my move to do just that. Unfortunately, Ian followed suit, and we ended up walking out at the same time.
We each walked toward our cars. His was behind mine, in front of the house.
“We should celebrate. Let’s go get a drink,” he said as I reached mine.
“I don’t drink,” I said as I started to open my car door.
He walked toward me grinning. “I didn’t say it had to involve alcohol.”
“Hmm … Thanks for the offer, but I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
He stepped closer. It made me uncomfortable. I could see his eyes and smell him again, and my senses were drawn to him.
“Why not, Kelli?”
I bit my lip. “Because you’re going to be my boss.” Ok, so I lied.
He grinned. “I just saw you kiss and hug your current one goodbye.”
“He’s like a father to me.”
“I remember someone telling me once or twice I sounded like her dad.”
I forced myself not to smile at the memories. “I don’t know who you’re talking about.”
His smile dropped. “Why can’t you just acknowledge we knew each other and that we share a past?”
“In my experience, it’s not good to dwell on the past. Goodnight, Ian.” I turned to leave.
He gently grabbed my arm before I could open my door. “So, you’re saying you don’t remember anything?”
I looked up into those eyes of his and stared, just for a moment. “No. I’m saying I remember everything.”
Chapter 6
“Gary and Holly really invited you both over for dinner?” Amanda asked.
I called her as soon as I got home. Admittedly, I was a little thrown off by the evening, and all I could do was lie on the couch and stroke my lazy cat. My head was spinning, and I felt a little nauseous.
“Yes, can I just say, awkward?”
“But you’ve decided to go back to Chandler?” she asked hopefully.
“I’m sure I’ll regret it, but yes.”
“How did your new boss take the news?”
“He seemed genuinely happy about it. He even asked me to go out after and celebrate.”
“Well, that’s certainly interesting. What did you say?”
“Amanda, please keep your conjecturing out of this. He’s not interested in me that way. And I’m certainly not interested in him. He’s going to be my boss, for goodness’ sake.”
“You are so naïve sometimes, Kelli.”
I laughed at her. “Really? This coming from the woman who just thought Sam’s soccer coach was being friendly?”
“Hey, how was I supposed to know? The guy knew I was married.”
“Thanks for proving my point, sis.”
“You are such a brat, Kelli Jelly. And you’re naïve if you think this guy doesn’t have ulterior motives that involve you.”
I was really getting tired of her saying that.
“That doesn’t make any sense at all. I haven’t seen the guy in almost thirteen years, and the last time I did see him, he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with me ever again.”
I started to cry. It was such a stupid thing to do over such a stupid man.
“Honey, don’t cry.”
“Why did he have to come back i
nto my life? Everything was going so well.”
“I don’t know, but I know it wasn’t by accident. Just be careful.”
“What do you mean?”
“I just don’t think you’ve ever really gotten over this guy.”
“That’s just ridiculous, Amanda. Of course I have. Don’t you remember? I almost got married.”
It was her turn to laugh, but there was a little sadness mixed in. “Honey, you didn’t almost get married. Yes, Luke asked you, but there was never any chance of you saying yes.”
“That had nothing to do with Ian.”
“No one’s saying Luke didn’t have issues, but you didn’t love him or anyone else that’s come your way.”
“I’ve tried. I really have.”
“I know you have, Kelli.”
“And I don’t love Ian.” I didn’t know why, but I needed to say that out loud.
“Maybe not, but you’ve got to admit, that relationship has affected all others.”
“That just makes me sound pathetic.”
“No, it makes you sound human. And, honey, look at your life, it’s not like you’ve closed yourself off. You’re successful and beautiful, and no one puts their heart into anything the way you do. You are the best aunt, sister and friend, employee, coworker, you name it. I’m not saying you’ve sat around and pined for this guy, I’m just saying there may be some underlying feelings that have never been resolved. And he obviously has the same issue.”
“Amanda, you know I love you more than my cat, and you’re hands down the best sister and friend ever, but Ian’s here for business. Period.”
“Ok, Kelli, keep telling yourself that. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, sis.”
She was killing me. She was supposed to make me feel better. Now I was just more confused, and my head hurt. I wasn’t going to lie, I was still physically attracted to Ian, but any woman would be. He had the whole tall, dark, and handsome thing going for him, and to top it off, he had this mysterious, brooding air to him. But the attraction meant nothing, because I was attracted to him before, so why would that change? His attitude and mannerisms were mostly the same, too, except I seemed to frustrate him more, and not in the fun, cute way I used to. Like tonight, he seemed legitimately upset by my refusal to acknowledge our previous relationship, which was weird. I could also tell at dinner he was expecting more from me, and he was bothered when I didn’t rise to the occasion. Then he just walked off without a word after I told him I remembered everything. I still couldn’t believe I was agreeing to work with him. I had a feeling there was going to be lots of turbulence and frequent warnings to wear your seatbelt.
Professional Boundaries Page 6