by Wendy Warren
Gemma closed her eyes. I’m falling in love by myself. That’s what she was doing. Oh, Lord.
Since the wedding, she’d loved becoming Ethan’s wife in body and in soul, loving him and making love. Laughing at the baby together, talking about Cody’s future, what his first word would be, whether he’d prefer Disneyland or Six Flags, corn dogs (which got her vote) or pizza (Ethan’s guess). It had all begun to feel so real, so meant to be.
But Ethan wasn’t fighting to keep what they had. He was fighting to give it away. And he was right: they’d gotten married for precisely this purpose.
I’m the beast in this story. I want another woman’s child. I want her to let me keep my family.
Her eyes were still closed and her tone was low and as neutral as she could make it when she asked, “If Samantha decides she doesn’t want to live in Thunder Ridge, what then? She never liked it here, as I recall. If she decides to take the baby someplace else before you think she’s ready, are you going to follow her?”
After another aching silence, Ethan concluded, “That’s a long way off. We’ve got a lot of work to do before that would happen.”
Though the call was not ended, Gemma set her phone on the sideboard that divided the living area from the kitchen. Covering her face with her hands, she blocked even the dim light from the mission lamp on the end of the long table, deriving some comfort from breathing into the darkness, as if she could hide from the world behind her own palms.
Ethan wanted a nanny. A helper. Or maybe he thought they could be a supportive aunt and uncle team, cheering Samantha on whether she wanted to be cheered on or not.
He doesn’t know me. Perhaps she hadn’t known herself until this moment.
Maybe she truly was selfish and horrible, but she couldn’t do it.
“It’s late, and it’s been a long day...” Ethan’s weary voice came through the phone.
Reluctantly coming up for air, Gemma dragged her hands down her face and picked up her cell.
“I should have waited until daytime to call,” he said. “Let’s get some sleep and talk again tomorrow.”
“All right.” Was he really going to be able to sleep? She wasn’t counting on closing her eyes.
Neither of them said another word, and neither of them hung up. Finally, Gemma whispered, “Good night.”
The cell phone began to feel as if it were burning her ear. She could hear Ethan breathing, but they were a million miles apart.
“Good night,” he returned stoically, and the call ended.
As she set the phone on the sideboard again, Gemma studied her wedding band. Removing it, she held it between her thumb and forefinger. It was a beautiful circle of precious metal and diamonds, strong and supposedly everlasting. Yet all anyone had to do was hold it up to the light to see that it was empty in the middle.
Exhausted, Gemma headed upstairs to the guest room Ethan had given her when she’d first moved in. Too full of grief to put the wedding band on her finger again, she left it on the dresser and climbed into bed, the first time she’d slept there in over a week.
Dozing only briefly, she awoke exhausted shortly before dawn, woodenly washing and dressing before packing a bag for herself and one for the baby. By the time she was in her car, heading to her parents’ house, she began to have a sense of unreality, as if the past ten days with Ethan had been nothing more than a very vivid dream.
Chapter Thirteen
“I told Mom not to call you,” Gemma complained as Lucy sat on the bed next to her. “You should be home getting breakfast ready for your family.”
“Yeah, because I won’t have the opportunity to do that every day for the next eighteen or twenty years,” Lucy cracked, handing her sister a tissue from the box their mother had set on the nightstand after ushering Lucy to Gemma’s bedroom and closing the door behind. “So what happened? Mom said she and Dad were set to watch the baby while you and Ethan made out like newlyweds.”
A fresh spate of the tears threatened Gemma’s tenuous composure. Dabbing the tissue beneath her eyes, she countered, “Our mother did not say that.”
“Maybe not those words, exactly, but it’s what she meant. So what happened?”
Briefly, Gemma filled her sister in.
“He seems so excited to give Cody back to Samantha—” Gemma tried to keep the hurt out of her voice, but was afraid that she might be failing “—even if Samantha isn’t ready, and by the sound of things, I don’t think she is.”
Lucy rubbed Gemma’s back as they sat side by side on the edge of the bed. “That sucks. I mean, not that he wants his sister to be a mother to her son, but I know you already feel like Cody’s mother. It’s obvious to us all.”
Gemma nodded miserably. “I can’t imagine giving Cody up now. And I feel so guilty! Samantha is his mother. I shouldn’t want to st-st-steal her baby.” More tears spurted from her eyes.
Putting both her arms around Gemma’s shoulders, Lucy hugged hard. “You’re not stealing him. She’s his mother, but up to now you’ve been his parent. Of course you don’t want to let go without making absolutely certain it’s the right thing.”
“I don’t want to let go even if it is the right thing,” Gemma admitted miserably.
“You will, though,” Lucy pointed out gently. “I know you.”
“But what then? If I believe it’s the right thing, what happens after that?” She shook her head. “I won’t know how to move on from that.” Wiping her nose even as it kept running, she admitted to Lucy, “Cody is the reason we got married. We never said we loved each other.”
Lucy obviously tried not to cringe, but failed. “How about now,” she asked gently. “How do you feel now?”
“I...love him.” She pressed the tissue against her nose and sobbed into it. Lucy supplied her with another wad, and when she could speak again, Gemma said, “My marriage is one-sided. Samantha could take Cody away completely one day, move out of state again, and then what do we do? What’s left?”
“Oh, honey.” The gentleness in Lucy’s demeanor began to evaporate. “Somehow I expected more sensitivity from Ethan. I can’t believe he played the that’s-why-we-got-married-in-the-first-place card.” She shook her head disgustedly. “Men! Elyse never should have gotten you that teddy. Maybe if you hadn’t had hot sex—”
“No.” Wiping her nose, Gemma shrugged. “No, it was stupid to think I could live with him and not fall in love. I was halfway there before we said ‘I do.’ He just doesn’t feel the same.”
“Are you sure about that? Husbands can be so thick. Maybe in the excitement of finding Samantha, he wasn’t thinking about—”
Gemma interrupted her sister by shaking her head emphatically. “He’d had plenty of time to think about everything when he called from Montana. I’ve already had a fiancé who wasn’t in love with me. I’d rather not repeat the experience with my husband. Know what I mean?”
Looking almost as heartbroken as Gemma felt, Lucy nodded solemnly. “You don’t have to settle for someone who’s not in love with you. Ethan will never have as rich, as deep and fulfilling, a relationship with someone else as he could have with you, and if he thinks he can, then he is seriously deluding himself.”
Gemma looked at her beautiful, dark-haired sister, who had met her own soul mate in her freshman year of college, and thought, Good sister. Perfect sister for ignoring that Ethan is gorgeous and funny and rich and charming and honest enough never to have told me that he loved me in the first place.
“If Ethan doesn’t appreciate you, then he doesn’t deserve your love,” Lucy continued more strongly, her voice rising. “In fact, I say shame on him. He handled this all wrong. You’re not his employee, for crying out loud, you’re his wife. Really, he’s not nearly good enough for you, Gem. In fact, you are worth a hundred Ethan Ladds!”
“Knock, kn
ock,” Minna trilled as she opened Gemma’s bedroom door. Balancing a small tray with a plate of scones and small pot of her homemade lemon curd, Minna smiled sweetly as she set the tray on Gemma’s old desk and handed out paper napkins. “This is just like the old days, when you girls would cuddle up in here and talk about boys, and I’d bring you a snack.”
Lucy traded a look with Gemma. Yeah, just like that. Both women jumped when their mother ordered, “All right, go home, Lucy. You’re not helping here.”
“What?” Confused, Lucy protested, “What do you mean I’m not helping? Mom, were you eavesdropping outside the door?”
“Please,” Minna huffed, affronted. “With your megaphone voice, I’ve never had to stoop to eavesdropping. Now run along, sweetie. I want to talk to Gemma alone.”
Gemma gave Lucy a microscopic shake of her head. Do not leave me alone with Mom. The only info she’d given her mother was that she and Ethan had a disagreement about something, and she hoped she and Cody could stay in her old room for a few days. She didn’t want to have a more extensive conversation than that with Minna, who still thought Ethan was God’s gift to her eldest daughter.
“You told me to come over,” Lucy pointed out. “Besides, I want a scone.”
Minna’s perfectly drawn brows drew together in an ominous portent. “I didn’t want to have to point this out in so many words, but it’s time you children realized that Daddy and I know a lot more about what is going on in your lives than you think we know. So shoo, Lucy, and I mean it.” She passed the plate she’d brought with her. “Take a scone with you.”
Shrugging apologetically at Gemma, Lucy obeyed their mother. Wrapping her scone in the paper napkin Minna handed her, she said, “I’ll call you, Gem. Maybe we can go for a walk later.”
“Okay.”
And then Gemma was alone with her mom, who seated herself in the desk chair and studied her daughter frankly.
“I fibbed a little to your sister,” Minna admitted. “The truth is I don’t understand everything between you and Ethan. I’m not sure what you’re arguing about right now, but that isn’t the point, anyway.” Taking a scone, she halved it with a butter knife, then spread lemon curd on top. “The point is you got married, and that’s serious business. Don’t believe it when people say you can move on if you’re bored or you grow apart.” She waved the knife. “What kind of nonsense is that? The reason you get married in the first place is so you can stay with someone long enough to be sick of the sight of him.”
“Mom!” Gemma sputtered in protest. “Does Daddy know you feel this way?”
“Of course. He agrees with me. Besides, I’m not saying we feel that way now. I’m saying we have felt it. Everyone has. You have to remember that marriage isn’t only a relationship between two people. It’s a relationship between the couple and the marriage itself. You’re looking at me like I’m crazy.” Shrugging, Minna handed the scone to Gemma. “Eat,” she commanded, licking her thumb. “I’ll try to explain.”
A faraway look entered her eyes. “Most of us, when we’re first married, want to believe we’re in such a great love affair that divorce is unthinkable. But that’s phooey. Love plays hide-and-seek. Sometimes it hides for a very long time, believe you me. So you have to decide to love your marriage as much as you love the other person, to take care of it as if it were your child. You promise to be there for it even when it’s making you crazy, and it promises to grow and mature and someday make you very proud. And it will. Marriages get stronger and more beautiful with trouble and time. Just when you think it’s too difficult, that you’re all done with him, he’ll get that little wrinkle between his eyebrows while he’s trying to fix the toaster and in an instant you realize you’re still in love.” Minna gave a shivery wriggle. “And that’s delightful. In fact a couple of weeks ago, I was looking at your father as he was getting out of the shower. He had tiny droplets of water all over his skin, and I—”
“Oh, no! No, no.” Gemma covered her ears. “I don’t need to hear any more. I get it.”
She gazed at her mother, her rag-mag loving, gossip-sharing mother, and thought, Wow. Just when you think you know someone. “What you said is really beautiful, Mom,” she complimented, meaning it. She was even envious, wondering if she’d ever know that kind of relationship. “But I’m not sure it applies in this case. I mean, it’s not like I’ve fallen out of love with someone.” Her nose began to feel twitchy again, and her eyes stung. “I haven’t. I’ve...I’ve...I’ve...only just realized I’m in it.”
Once more, tears began to flow down Gemma’s cheeks. She lowered the scone, then lowered her head, surrendering to the sobs she couldn’t control. Minna muttered, “Oh, dear. Oh, dear,” as she rocked her daughter gently. “I suppose I know even less about your marriage than I thought I did,” she said when the worst of the storm had passed. “But I know you. I think you want this marriage, this family, very much. Do you know that of all my kids, you’ve always been the most giving? The one who let others decide what movie to watch or what flavor ice cream we should have. I always loved that about you.”
“You did?”
Minna stroked her daughter’s hair. “Yes. Now I’m telling you to quit it. This is the time to have what you want, Gemmy. Ask yourself what that is, and then fight for it.”
Gemma pulled back to look at her mom. “What if that means not winding up with Ethan?”
She could see her mother struggle with that question, but in the end Minna said staunchly, “So be it. I love you.”
“I love you, too,” Gemma returned. “When did you get so smart, Mom?”
“Right about the time you started feeling dumb.” Giving her daughter’s arm a squeeze, Minna rose to collect the goodies she’d brought upstairs. “Sooner or later love makes us all feel like ninnies.” Her smile was tolerant. “Are you staying here tonight or going home, sweetheart?”
Since Ethan’s house did not feel like “home” to Gemma at the moment, she answered, “Staying.”
Disappointment flashed briefly across her mother’s expression, but she nodded. “All right, then. Your father and I will take care of the baby. You take the day to yourself.”
Gemma decided not to argue. It wouldn’t help anyone if she cried every time she held Cody. She needed to process the facts and how she felt about them. She needed to consider what came next.
Her mother thought she didn’t ask for what she wanted in life. Was that true? And if she did ask for what she wanted in a marriage, would Ethan be able to give it to her?
He hadn’t asked her opinion about the situation with Cody before he’d sped off, nor had he asked when they spoke at midnight. He hadn’t considered her concerns or hopes at all. Instead, he’d reminded her that theirs was a marriage of convenience.
A surge of self-disgust filled Gemma’s stomach. She’d agreed to marry Ethan Ladd so she could have a taste of the life she dreamed about. A small, tantalizing taste. While other people sat down to feasts, she settled for crumbs.
It wasn’t enough, not by a long shot. Not anymore.
So what was she going to do about it?
* * *
Hands balled into fists, Ethan stood in the bedroom Gemma had shared with Cody until she’d moved into his master suite. He hadn’t spoken to her since midnight yesterday. Phoning this afternoon to tell her he was catching a flight home had elicited no response at all, and then he’d walked into an empty house, where he showered, unpacked, antsy with fatigue and uncertainty, then he’d waited downstairs for his wife and Cody to show up.
The dinner hour had come and gone with no sign of them and no word, even though he’d left another message, asking when she’d be home. By nine, still with no response, he’d started to get worried, so he’d phoned her parents’ house and spoken with Hal, asking her father if he knew where Gemma was.
“I think she was planning to stay
here tonight, son. She’s out with Lucy right now. Why don’t you try her cell?”
Ethan wasn’t certain what had prompted him to fly up the stairs to the guest room at that point, but he had, and that’s when he’d found Gemma’s wedding ring sitting loudly on the dresser.
“What the hell?” he said now, unclenching his fists to snatch the ring up and look at it disbelievingly. She took off her wedding ring, then went to stay at her parents’ place? With Cody? Why?
She’d been upset with him he last time they’d spoken, yes, and maybe he should have stayed on the phone with her, but the pressure he’d been under had felt nearly unbearable. And by the next morning, his sister’s fury had made Gemma’s resentment seem like a hug by comparison.
Shaking his head, Ethan walked heavily to the bed, lowering himself to the edge of the mattress. He’d maneuvered around two-hundred-and-fifty-pound linebackers, but navigating relationships with women...forgettaboutit.
Couldn’t keep a nanny. Couldn’t help his sister. Couldn’t hold on to his wife.
Without warning, angry words from the past two days lodged in Ethan’s brain. You want life to look the way you think it should, and when it doesn’t you refuse to accept it! Fed up with his trying to persuade her to return to Oregon, Samantha had blown up this morning when he’d shown up for breakfast toward the end of her shift.
I’m trying to keep you from making the biggest mistake of your life, he’d argued.
No, Sam had shot back without missing a beat, you’re trying to re-create the past, not fix the present. The present is fine. Cody is fine. You said so yourself.
Ethan’s knuckles cracked as he pressed one fist into the palm of the other, hard. It was true that the present had been good, better than good, until a couple of days ago. Cody had improved so much in the past week or two that he now behaved, according to Gemma, like most other babies. Ethan enjoyed hanging with the little dude and even felt disappointed at times that he was sleeping so much.