by W Winters
That was the only distraction I had.
I’m slow to sit up, forcing myself to rise although I have no plans, no control, nothing at all I want to do… but read I suppose. Thank all that’s holy for books.
The small piece of me that anticipated – and looked forward to a note from Jase – is disappointed when I find his nightstand empty of any slip of paper.
I shouldn’t feel so hollow in my chest. I shouldn’t feel this kind of loss.
Bringing my knees up to my chest, I rest my cheek on my right knee and wonder what happened to me. What the fuck happened to the woman I was? Without work… I’m no one. My life is utterly empty and the one thing that’s filling it shouldn’t be in my life at all.
One breath, and the screaming thoughts quiet. Two breaths and I find it hard to care. This will all be over soon. It’s temporary and nothing more. I’ll be back to work, unraveled or not.
Until then… I’ll read and let Jase fuck me. Maybe one day, I’ll even get out of bed.
The Coverless Book
Three quarters through the book
Emmy
I remember all the times Miss Caroline took me to the appointments. Mother always met me there. It was Miss Caroline who took me on long drives and told me stories the whole way. No matter how many hours it was. That’s all I can remember as we sit outside of the shed. It’s a large shed, with running water and an outhouse with plumbing around the back.
Jake said it’s his cousin’s place, so it’s okay that we stay here.
I can remember the trips to the hospitals. The long drives we took to get to them. The hotels we stayed in. Miss Caroline always stopped for ice cream on the way to and back. And she let me eat all sorts of things I never had at home.
I remember all those trips… but those are the only trips I’ve ever taken.
Until this one.
“What’s wrong?” Jake’s voice breaks my thoughts. His hand cradles my chin. “You look like you regret this.” I hate how his voice sounds like he really believes that.
My hair tickles my shoulders when I shake my head and tell him, “You’re crazy to think that. I love you, Jake.” He needs to know that. “I was just hoping to go inside. It’s been a few days since we’ve slept on a bed.” I want to give myself to him. But not like this.
His lips part and instead of words coming out, he closes them again, kicking the rubble under his shoes. “We can’t go inside, Em.” He stares off at the large farmhouse. “Your mom filed a report and the sheriff called. We can’t go inside.”
Feeling a wave of nausea, I lower my head to my hands. “Your family doesn’t know we’re here?”
“My cousin does, and he’s bringing us blankets. I’ve got money once we get out of this town. But, for tonight… Our parents are looking for us.”
The crickets from the cornfield get louder as the sun sets deeper behind the crimson sky. It’s nearly dusk already.
“I’m sorry I can’t give you more right now, but soon I can.”
I find his hand in mine, and tell him, “It’s why running away is so scary. The unknown.”
His eyes stare deep into mine as he says, “The only known in my life I need, is you beside me. As long as I have you, nothing else matters.”
He tells me he loves me and I feel that drop in my stomach again, but I make sure I tell him I love him too and that I can’t wait for all of the unknowns I’ll face with him.
That’s just before I go around the back of the shed to where the faucet is to wash my face. It’s just before I get sick in the field. It’s just before I look down at my hands as I’m cleaning myself up and see nothing but blood.
Three more times, I cough up blood and my eyes water. My face heats and then all at once, it stops. It’s not a lot, it’s not a lot of blood. It’s because of whatever Miss Caroline put in the soup for all that time. I know it is. She made me sick. I’ll get better now; Jake knows that too. I’m not sick, I’m recovering from what she did to me.
I hide what happened from Jake, though, all the blood I just coughed up. I don’t want him to see.
I just want to be loved and to love him. Isn’t love enough?
“Are you okay?”
Hearing Jase before I see him startles me. I hadn’t noticed how erratic my breathing was until he came in. I set the book down on the nightstand.
“Yeah, why?” I ask him as I rub my eyes, and try to come back to reality. I catch a glimpse of the clock and realize nearly two hours slipped by. The uneasiness and shock that the book left me in won’t shake off when I look back up to Jase.
“You look horrified.”
I answer him, “It’s just a book.”
“What happened?” he asks me like he really cares as he takes off a black cotton shirt, damp with sweat. His body glistens, his muscles flex with every movement and with the increase of lust, the problems of my fictional world fall away.
“She might really be sick,” I tell him, although my eyes stay glued to his chest.
“Who?” He stands still, a new shirt in his hand as he waits for my answer.
“Don’t worry about it,” I tell him. “She’s invincible.” Hearing those words come from me with confidence makes my stomach drop.
Jase has a different reaction. His lips pull up into an asymmetric smile at my remark and the way his eyes shine with humor is infectious. I feel lighter, but still, the sickness of the unknown churns in my stomach.
“I can’t stay here,” I tell him, knowing I need to do something and just as aware that there’s nothing for me to do here. He removes the space between us, climbing up onto the bed to sit cross-legged in front of me. He doesn’t love me like… like I feel for him. That’s the truth that sinks me further into the bed.
Being around him, knowing what I feel for him and coming to terms with that, but not feeling the same from him… it's killing me. It makes me want to run. It's scary when you realize you love someone and that they may never feel the same for you. Not in the same way. Nothing like what I feel for him.
It doesn’t stop me from breathing him in though.
The sweet smell of his sweat is surprising… and heady. The way he looks at me, it’s all the more intoxicating.
“You agreed to twenty-nine days,” he reminds me.
“Twenty-eight now,” I correct him in return.
“Twenty-eight then.”
“I can’t stay here like this. Doing nothing day in, day out.”
“I don’t expect you to.”
“What am I supposed to do?” I ask him, truly needing an answer.
He considers me for a moment. “I really don’t know what to do,” I tell him when he hesitates to answer me. It’s harder for me to admit that than I thought it would be.
“I don’t have any answers for you,” he tells me beneath his breath, quietly, like he’s sorry.
“I love work. I want to go back to work.”
“I don’t know that you’re in the right mindset to do that.”
My voice rises as I ask, “How am I supposed to get better when I have nothing to do to make me better?”
“Time.” He answers me with a single word, joining me on the bed. “You could start with putting your mugs in the kitchen.” Looking at the box still where he left it yesterday, he tells me, “You could do whatever you like.”
“I can’t leave,” I answer him boldly, letting him know it pisses me off.
“Yesterday I didn’t want you to, no. But that doesn’t mean you can’t leave. I’m not trapping you here, you’re locking yourself in this room.”
I hate him for his answer, although I don’t know why.
“Where would you go after you’re done with work to let loose?” he asks me.
“A bar.”
“I like that,” he says and scoots closer to me, pulling me into his lap. I settle against him, resting my back to his front.
“You order wine or mixed drinks at the bar?”
“Mixed. Vodka and whatever the bar
tender wants.” The rough chuckle makes his chest shake gently and I love the feeling of it. His stubble brushes my neck as he asks, “And then?”
“Grocery store if I need to, although I really only keep K-cups and cardboard pizza in the fridge.”
“Cardboard pizza?”
“You know, the kind that come in a box and you put in the toaster oven?”
That makes him laugh too. The sound of him laughing eases everything.
“You have a pretty smile,” he tells me and his voice is calming.
“You have a pretty smile too,” I tell him back and he makes a face.
He changes the subject quicker than I expect. “We don’t know who broke in.”
My own smile falters and I stare at my fingers, picking absently under my nails at nothing.
“I know that’s not what you wanted to hear and it’s not what I was hoping to tell you. But there are no fingerprints, no cameras anywhere.”
With his hand on my chin, he forces me to look at him as he explains, “We looked into everyone’s surveillance cameras, Beth. It’s not quite legal, but they’ll never know. Whoever it was left no trace at all.”
“So I’ll never know and they could come back.” I’m surprised how much pain accompanies that knowledge. My chest feels like it’s been hollowed out and bricks put in the place of whatever it is I need to survive.
“No. That’s not true. We have a lead on your sister,” he tells me with hope and authority.
“A man named Luke Stevens. He’s no one around here, but he was seen with your sister before she went missing.”
He hands me a picture of a man I’ve never laid eyes on. He’s got to be in his forties, with a clean-cut look to him and I could only imagine what the hell Jenny would have been doing with someone like this.
“You think he did it?” I dare to ask Jase.
“I’m not sure, but I’m going to find him and get as much information as I can from him, cailín tine.”
“Miranda told me she packed her bags,” I say and swallow thickly, needing to calm the adrenaline racing in my blood. “She said Jenny packed before she went missing.” The image of my sister doing just that and then leaving with this man plays in my mind. “Maybe she was in love with him,” I surmise.
“I don’t think--” Jase bites down to stop himself from saying something else.
“What?”
His inhale is uneven and he looks past me before saying, “I just wanted you to know that I’m working on it. But don’t do this. Don’t let your mind play tricks on you. All we know is that he was seen with her.”
“Seen doing what?”
“Getting into a truck around the time she went missing but they aren’t positive of the date.”
I have no words as the theory in my mind unravels.
“It could be nothing, but we have a name and I’m working on it,” he tells me and takes my hand in his, stopping me from my mindless habit.
“So now there are two names?” I ask, remembering the last time we talked about information.
He nods once, but doesn’t give me the other name. The one he promised wouldn’t help me.
“Which do you think broke into my house?” I ask him and instead of answering, he tells me, “I’m having Seth install a top-of-the-line security system. Everything will be repaired, and all the locks will be changed.”
The information sparks a reaction I don’t expect and I have to pull my hand away, but he doesn’t let me so I blurt out the question, “You want me to go back… to my place?”
“No,” he says and his quick answer alleviates some of the unwanted stress. “I’d prefer you here by my side and for the next twenty-eight days, I want you here at my place. But you need to be able to go home and feel safe. I get that and I wanted to make sure it was safe.”
I can only nod, feeling overwhelmed and not knowing what to do. When he squeezes my hand, I squeeze back and tell him, “Thank you.”
“I have to go. Late-night meeting.”
Late meeting. My lips stay closed although I don’t have to say anything at all. My gaze drops just as my lightheartedness does. I can never forget the life Jase leads. I need to remember.
“Don’t look at me like that.” His voice is low and a threat lays behind the words.
“Like what?” I ask him as if I don’t know what he’s referring to.
“Like I’m less than you for what I do.”
“I don’t,” I protest, hating that it’s obvious.
“You do.”
Biting back my pride, I apologize, “I’m sorry.”
“It’s never going to change, Bethany. This isn’t something I can run away from.”
He stares at me like he’s repentant. Like he’d change it if he could, although I don’t believe him. All I can tell him back is, “I didn’t ask you to.”
Jase
I’m the last to enter the kitchen and as I make my way to the counter, Carter pushes a tumbler with ice and whiskey my way.
“You want to meet her, huh?” I ask Carter, looking him in his eyes as I bring the glass to my lips and let the liquor settle on my tongue to burn.
Carter only lets a smirk show, filling the empty tumbler in front of him and then asking Declan if he wants a glass too.
“I’ll have beer,” Declan announces and Daniel looks over his shoulder at Declan, a grin on his face too before reaching into the fridge. The bottles clink together and the telltale sound of the beer fizzing fills up the silence as I wait for my answer.
“You told her not to come in here, didn’t you?” he asks, the smile only widening.
“You’re a prick,” I tell my oldest brother and when they all chuckle, I finally let myself smile and pull out the barstool. I’m a prick for lying to her too, but they don’t need to know that.
“If she met us, if she knew what was going on, maybe she’d feel a little differently,” Sebastian says as he enters the room, touching his elbow to Carter’s in greeting and taking the last tumbler of whiskey.
“Maybe,” I agree although I’m quick to take another swig of the whiskey.
“What’s the update on Addison?” Sebastian asks Daniel. His response is to share a look with Carter first. They’re going through the next stage of life together. All three of the men although Sebastian’s wife is furthest along. Daniel and Carter just found out about the pregnancies.
Daniel picks at the label on his beer bottle as he answers, “They said it’s just high blood pressure. She just needs to take it easy.”
A moment passes where no one knows what to say. Addison never thought she could get pregnant and for good reason. She went through a rough life as a child.
“Aria’s happy that she gets to pick out everything with a friend,” Carter says to break up the tension.
Sebastian contributes to the easy feeling by remarking, “Chloe’s happy she won’t be the only fat one.” He adds quickly, “Or so she said,” which gets a good laugh and a clink of beers and glass tumblers.
“It feels good having all five of us in here, doesn’t it? Like old times,” Declan comments.
All four of my brothers and the one man, Sebastian, who sticks out because he’s older.
“We do have a real reason to meet,” Carter says and glances at the closed door behind me. She can place her hand to the panel and enter, or simply try to listen from the other side of the door.
“Romano.” Daniel and I say our enemy’s name at once.
Carter nods. “He’s scattered. There’s no doubt.”
“What made him run?” Sebastian asks.
“He’s outnumbered. It’s not just Talvery men looking to settle a vendetta, but us too. It’s quiet with Officer Walsh and the FBI leaning hard on the local cops,” Daniel answers and Carter nods along with him. “If he was ever going to leave, now is the time to do so.”
“If he comes back, which he has to in order to get everything out of his warehouses, all of his supply and the stashed guns are on Fourth. If he com
es back, there are only two roads he can use to come into town,” I comment, knowing if he comes back, I don’t want to give him another chance to leave.
“You think he’ll come back for it?” Sebastian asks.
“He’s got money hidden away in the warehouse on Fourth, we’ve staked out that street and he knows, but he doesn’t know that we’re aware his money’s there. Maybe he thinks with him gone, we’ll forget about him,” Carter answers him.
“Forget about him?” There’s a tension in Daniel’s voice, akin to outrage. “We aren’t going to let him run.”
Daniel’s comment goes unanswered.
“I say we blow up his estate and the warehouse too. Destroy everything.”
“He left men behind.” Carter’s quick to rebut my suggestion.
“Not enough,” I answer him, staring into his eyes.
“With the FBI and former agent on our asses, do we really want to risk it?” Declan asks, wanting to be safe.
“Yes. We do. We can’t let what he did go unanswered. We can’t let anyone think they can run from us,” Daniel says, his body tense and the beer he has in his hand tapping against the granite.
“Calm down,” Carter tells our brother, but I’m with Daniel.
“He’s right,” I say to voice my opinion.
“Destroy everything in his name and send Nikolai after him,” Daniel suggests.
“Nikolai?” A tension coils in my stomach. “He tried to kill me; he tried to take Addison, your soon-to-be wife.” I can’t help that my voice rises, the same outrage Daniel had a moment ago slipping into my cadence.
“Do you plan to chase him, Jase? You going to risk your… what’s her name? Bethany? Are you going to risk her to chase after him?” he questions me.
“Sending Nikolai is smart,” Declan adds and Sebastian nods in agreement. I crack my neck, not looking at my brothers, knowing they’re not on my side. All while questioning if they’re right. If I could really risk leaving Bethany behind.