by Carl Weber
I turned to face Aaron, and our eyes locked. The look he gave me was everything.
“Pippie made a point to remind me that ‘you can’t make new old friends,’ and boy, was he right,” Aaron said with a sad laugh. He moved away from the podium and spoke directly to me.
“Ross, I know we ain’t been right lately, but we both know that if Pippie were here, he would tell us to get our acts together. That with him gone, we need to lean on each other, and we can’t let nothing get in the way of our friendship. We owe him that. We’re family, man, and I need you.” Aaron motioned toward me, a waterfall of tears streaming down his face.
“Yeah, me too,” I shouted out, overwhelmed by the love he’d just given me. Damn if Pippie wasn’t right.
“Then what you doing? Get up here, man,” Aaron ordered as people jumped up and started shouting, clapping, and stomping their feet in support. I raced up the stairs and joined him, hugging and blubbering and throwing “I love you”s back and forth.
“We been through it, and now I know we have to stick together. I’m sorry. I love you, man,” I told him. I swear it felt like Pippie was watching over us, pushing us back together. This was exactly what he would have wanted.
Aaron returned to the podium, bringing me with him. He waited for the crowd to settle back into their seats before he spoke.
“After this service, we’re going to go into the meeting hall for some food, but it won’t be just about eating. No. There is going to be some celebrating. Pippie liked to have a good time, and it’s up to us to have a good time for him.”
“Amen!” people shouted from the audience. The mood in the place had lightened considerably, until Aaron brought it crashing back down.
“Holy shit!” he said, still holding the microphone so that everyone heard him.
I hit him with my elbow, whispering, “Man, what’s wrong with you? You know we’re in church.” He ignored me, his gaze fixed on something in the back of the church. I looked back there, and then I understood what had him so worked up.
“Oh, shit. Tia.” The words left my mouth this time.
The entire congregation swelled in unison and turned to face the back of the church. There was Aaron’s ex-fiancée, standing in the entrance of the church.
Desiree
37
Tears were forming in the corners of my eyes as I listened to the bishop eulogize Pippie. There were a lot of people who deserved to die, more than a few I knew personally, but Pippie wasn’t one of them. Pippie was the one person who had consistently shown me genuine kindness and tried to make sure I felt at home in New York. He was one of the good guys, and his death had really affected me. It reminded me how completely random and unfair life could be. But it wasn’t the first time I’d experienced an unexpected loss. Maybe that’s why this was hitting me so hard.
I hurried out of my seat, down the aisle to the back of the church, and out the double doors as a waterfall of tears poured down my face. It took a few minutes, but I finally pulled myself together. I wanted to be back in there to pay my respects to Pippie. As I turned to head back in, I heard footsteps rushing toward me.
“What is wrong with you? I know you are not crying over this dude,” Lynn seethed when she got close enough to see my face.
I dropped my hand from the door to the church and pulled her away from the entrance where we wouldn’t be heard. “He was my friend,” I said, trying to wipe away the evidence of my connection to Pippie before it caused any further drama.
“That dude was not your friend.” She spat out the words, her tone tinged with a blind jealousy. Lynn was not the kind of person to share me, at least not emotionally, and to see me broken up over him sent her on the warpath. She grabbed me by the shoulders and stared into my eyes intensely. “All he was doing was being nice so he could screw you. And getting in the way of your goal. Remember that? The reason you came here?”
I refused to let her talk that way about Pippie without defending him. “He was my friend, and he was a really decent guy,” I responded, staring her down in the hope that she would back the fuck up.
She let go of my shoulders but stayed up in my face. “Yeah, well, you done met a whole lot of decent fucking guys over the years. In the end they all wanted one thing, and once they got it they were gone. Only difference is this one’s not gonna have that chance,” she said with not the slightest bit of sympathy for the fact that the man was murdered.
I did love this woman, but she didn’t understand that I could have feelings for men that didn’t travel in a sexual or romantic direction. Unlike her experience of being lesbian from birth, I considered myself bisexual and had thoroughly enjoyed sexual relationships with men in the past. Lynn was my first full-on relationship with a woman. Consequently, she was always insecure, afraid that deep down, I still craved the D.
“He was my friend!” I hissed at her. I just wanted to be left alone to grieve without having to justify my feelings to anyone.
“So, what? You were into him?” She kept at it, unable to process the idea that a man and a woman could be just friends.
Instead of letting things escalate further, I took things in a different direction and tried to reason with her. “He looked out for me. He even went to the pharmacy and picked up my medication.”
She sucked her teeth, unimpressed. “Yeah, well, I should be the only one who looks out for you, and don’t you forget it.” She grabbed me and pulled me close. I pushed her away, my anger growing.
“I can’t have friends now?” I challenged. I’d been forced to become independent at an early age, so there was no way I would stand for another person trying to control me now. Not even a lover—a really good lover. I’d rather walk away and be by my damn self than be a slave to anybody.
“You better remember we are here to do a job. You need to get your shit together,” she shot back. Changing the subject was her subtle way of backing down, so I relaxed.
“I know that,” I agreed, my tears stopping as quickly as they had begun.
“Then you know that you need to go in there and use that emotion to get Aaron into our bedroom.”
That certainly wasn’t my purpose for going to the funeral, but maybe she was right and there was a way to turn my grieving into an advantage with Aaron. After all, we both had a connection to him. People fell into bed at funerals and weddings for a whole lot of reasons, including shared grief. I stopped brushing away the wet spots on my cheeks and decided to let them glisten for everyone to see. I would have to thank Lynn for her smart idea later, in private.
“Let’s go back in,” I said. We headed back toward the entrance, where I caught sight of someone else stepping inside. My mouth dropped open. I stopped dead in my tracks, causing Lynn to bump into my leaden form.
“What the hell, Desiree?” Lynn said, nudging me to move forward, but I couldn’t take my eyes off the woman as I watched the door to the church closing behind her.
I turned around to Lynn. “You are not going to believe this.”
“What?”
“That was Tia. She’s here!”
Tia
38
I took a moment to pause and gather my nerves before walking up the steps to First Jamaica Ministries. At one time, this place felt like coming home; the people here were my family. I had so many good memories of this church, but now everything was tainted by the pain and anger that had become my constant companions ever since I spotted Vinnie Taylor at the bar. If only I could turn back the hands of time…
But I wasn’t there to relive the good old days. I was there to pay my respects to Pippie. As hard as it would be to set foot in this place, to face the inevitable stares and whispers, I owed it to him to be there. I needed to make amends in some way, even if that meant showing up to a place I’d run from the past few weeks.
If only Pippie had listened to me that night. His life might not have ended so tragically. I would live with the guilt for the rest of my life. I know some people say everything happens for a reason, but
why did Pippie have to spot me driving by him that night? If only I had driven a different route, we wouldn’t have ended up in the alley, and none of this would have happened.
But it was happening, and as I set foot in the sanctuary, I realized I had underestimated the reaction my presence would bring. I had foolishly imagined that I could slip into the last pew, unnoticed, and say a few prayers for his soul. Instead, Aaron spotted me from the altar, where he was standing with Ross, and soon every head swiveled in my direction, their stares piercing me.
Standing before the mass of people, my body rooted itself to the spot. Even if I wanted to run, I couldn’t. When Aaron stepped down from the podium and headed toward me, I willed my feet to move, to no avail. My heart was pounding as I watched the man I loved coming down the aisle.
“Where have you been?” His voice was tinged with anger, but in his eyes I could see relief. It was the first time we’d laid eyes on each other since our wedding day. Oh, how I longed to feel his arms around me.
I stood there mute. How could I even begin to answer his question, to share with him my horrible secrets?
“Tia, answer me.”
“This was a really bad idea,” I said, taking a step back, ready to bolt for the closest door. “I can’t be here.”
I turned to flee, too ashamed to face him any longer, but I felt a large hand on my shoulder, preventing me from going anywhere.
“You okay?” Bishop Wilson said in a voice that instantly soothed me. I began to cry quietly.
Monique came toward me and put an arm on my shoulder, whispering kind words in my ear. “You’re okay, Tia. You’re safe here with us.”
“Tia, I need to know why you left,” Aaron said, still sounding agitated. As desperate as I was to escape, he was just as desperate to get some answers. I had caused that poor man so much pain. Just one more thing I would forever feel guilty about.
“Give her a minute, Aaron,” Bishop said. “I think she needs a little time to calm down, and then maybe we can all talk.”
I was trembling as he took my hand. “Come on, Tia. Let’s go in the back together,” he said to me. “Monique, get one of the assistant pastors to continue the service, please, and Aaron, get back up there. Your choir needs you.”
“But—” His face was full of resistance.
“Come on, son. Pippie deserves no less,” he said. “I’ll come get you later when Tia feels ready to talk.”
Without protest, I allowed him to lead me down the aisle toward the front. I kept my eyes straight ahead, avoiding eye contact with anyone in the pews. Unfortunately, that meant the only place I could look was straight ahead, where Pippie’s body lay in a casket.
I paused my steps, staring at Pippie’s lifeless body.
“Would you like to pay your last respects to your friend?” Bishop asked.
My eyes flooded with tears as I approached the casket. “Oh, Pippie, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” I whispered, then turned away, wiping my tears.
When he thought I was ready, the bishop took me by the arm and led me out of the sanctuary toward his office. It felt so strange to be back there, passing by the desk where I had worked happily, never suspecting the way my life would soon be turned inside out. There were unfamiliar objects on the desk; it was obvious someone else was working there now. That caused me a pang of jealousy, though I fully understood why they had hired someone new. As dark as my soul had become, I no longer felt worthy of that position anyway.
“Have a seat.” Bishop directed me to the chair in front of his desk.
I sat down, still shaking with emotion that threatened to overwhelm me. Coming back to this church, and especially seeing Aaron, had proven to be much harder than I imagined it would be. Now, sitting before a man I respected like a father, I felt small and pitiful. What would Bishop Wilson think of me if he knew how far from grace I’d fallen?
He sat down behind his desk and leaned forward, hands folded, waiting for me to look up and meet his eyes. When I finally did, he said, “I think it’s time you told your pastor just what is going on with you.” It was a command, not a question.
I took a deep breath. “Bishop, if I did, I’m not sure you would believe it.”
Monique
39
Amazingly, Deacon Washington was able to get everyone to settle back in their seats after the drama of Tia’s appearance. “People, out of respect for the departed, we are going to continue this funeral service. I would ask that you all remember we are in the house of God right now.” His announcement was enough to get everyone back in their seats, where the chatter died down to a minimum. The people would hold their gossip—at least until they were outside the sanctuary.
The rest of Pippie’s funeral service was a blur to me. I couldn’t concentrate on a word anyone was saying as people made their way to the podium to speak about how Pippie had touched them. When the choir began to sing, some people jumped to their feet, raising their arms high in passionate worship. I couldn’t join them, though. I was too distraught, and had been since early that morning, when TK received some horrifying information from Jeff Watson. Jeff had promised to keep TK in the loop if anything new came up pertaining to the murder of Clifford White.
We were in TK’s office preparing for Pippie’s funeral service when Jeff came in. TK and I were still not on good terms, but just like when Clifford Jr. was killed, we came together as a couple to fulfill our responsibilities in the face of death. Little did we know that the two deaths had more in common than just bringing the two of us together.
“Bishop, I have some news I thought you should hear,” Jeff said.
“Can it wait until after the service?”
Jeff shook his head. “The department is working around the clock to solve these murders, so I can’t stay around until after the service.”
“I understand,” TK said. “Well, I need to eulogize Pippie Nixon today, so any information you have on Clifford White’s murder can wait. Just come back whenever you have a chance.” TK still had every intention of helping his friend find his son’s murderer, but at the moment he was focused on one of our own flock who’d just lost his life.
“That’s just it,” Jeff said. “This is about Pippie Nixon. And about the other two murders.”
TK sat down at his desk. Jeff had his full attention now. “What are you saying?”
I felt dread growing in the pit of my stomach.
“Just like the other two victims, Pippie Nixon was found with a red R on his forehead. The murders are somehow related.”
I stifled the scream that welled in my chest. How the hell had Pippie become involved in all of this? If the letter R did in fact stand for “rapist,” then did that mean Pippie was a rapist too? And then my mind went to an unthinkable place: Did that mean Tia killed Pippie?
Now, as I sat through Pippie’s funeral service, I tried to consider every possible angle in my mind; tried to find another explanation for the coincidence, but I kept coming back to the same conclusion. Tia was a murderer. I was left to struggle with my own conscience. When I thought she had killed her rapists, a part of me wanted to protect her, to keep her secret. Now I wasn’t so sure. I needed more details. I needed to hear it from her mouth why she would have killed Pippie. She was in the back office with TK, while I remained at the funeral, squirming in my seat. I wanted to know what she was saying to my husband. Was she confessing everything to him? And if she was, how would he handle it—especially if he found out I had been with her outside Vince Taylor’s apartment?
When the service was over and everyone had cleared out of the sanctuary, I raced toward TK’s office. Aaron was right behind me. He had his own obvious reasons for wanting to talk to Tia.
TK was just coming out of his office, closing the door behind him, when we arrived back there.
“Where is she?” Aaron asked. “I need to talk to her.”
“She’s gone,” TK said calmly. “I let her go out the back door.” His expression revealed no emotion. I
wondered whether he was struggling to conceal his true feelings, maybe of shock or disgust? Or maybe she hadn’t told him anything.
“What do you mean she’s gone?”
“I let her go out the back door,” he said. “She said she wasn’t ready to talk to you yet.”
“Bishop, I can’t believe you did that. I need to talk to her!” Aaron yelled.
“Not yet, Aaron. You have to trust me. She’s not ready.”
Aaron started pacing back and forth in the small area. “Well, what did she say to you then? I need to know something. Anything.”
TK put his hands on Aaron’s shoulders to stop him. Looking into his eyes, he said, “Son, you know I can’t tell you what she said. That’s between Tia, God, and me, her pastor.”
Desiree
40
I had felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown ever since Lynn dragged me away from the church when Tia showed up. We’d worked so hard to put our plan into place, and in one day, it looked like it could all be falling apart. It was bad enough that Pippie’s death was affecting me the way it was; Lynn was totally pissed off about that, warning me that I’d be off my game if I let my emotions get in the way. Then Tia had the nerve to stroll into the church like the Queen of England or something. That bitch was supposed to be so far out of the picture by now that no one would even remember her name. Instead, she’d shown up and thrown a monkey wrench in my plans.
Jackson’s efforts to drive a wedge between Aaron and Ross had been just about as unsuccessful. Everyone was talking the next day at church about how Pippie’s death had brought the two of them back together. They claimed it was God’s divine plan to make something good out of something so sad, but I sure didn’t see it that way. Nothing we had planned was working. At this point, I wasn’t even sure if destroying Aaron’s support mechanism was realistic anymore.
That’s why I’d driven over to Jackson’s office. I was so frustrated by our lack of progress that I was ready to give up. If anyone could reassure me, it was him.