by Izzy Bayliss
“There’s still a few more days left. I bet you’ll soon be turning people away.”
“I love your optimism.” Sam reminded me of Dad; whenever I was anxious about something they both knew just the right thing to say to keep me steady. It was one of my favourite things about him.
“So while you were at work, I thought I’d start looking up some venues and I found this amazing castle just outside of Dublin. You should see it, Lily. I think it would be perfect. I hope you don’t mind but I made an appointment to go to look at it over Christmas.”
I felt my heart start up again. “That sounds great, thanks, Sam.” I forced myself to sound bright.
“Well, don’t you want to see what it’s like?” he asked.
“Sure, you can show me later.”
“What’s wrong, Lily?”
“Nothing.” I smiled at him.
“If you’d prefer something more modern, I saw this cool hotel in Cork. It’s set up on the cliffs – the views would be amazing. We could have a look there instead?” He reached over and took my hand. “All I want is to marry you, it really doesn’t matter to me where we do it.”
“The castle sounds great. I’m sure I’ll love it.”
After dinner we sat down on the sofa and finished off the rest of the champagne. Sam pulled out the laptop to show me the castle. It really was stunning.
“See here,” he said, showing me an image of a smiling couple with their guests standing on the lawn in the sunshine. “If it was a sunny day, you could even have your drinks reception in the garden!”
“It looks great.”
“So do you think we should go with summer then?”
“Yeah, I don’t mind.”
“Well, we could do winter either? Imagine all the open fires and drinking mulled wine . . . wouldn’t that be great?”
I smiled at his enthusiasm. When I had been planning my wedding to Marc, I would have killed for him to have had this much interest in it all.
“What is it, Lily? You don’t seem very excited.” His forehead creased down in a v between his eyebrows.
“Of course, I am.” I started fingering a stray thread on my top. “I’m just tired.”
“You’re right. I keep forgetting that while I might be on holidays, you’re working flat out. We’ll leave the wedding planning for tonight,” he said, putting away his laptop and taking me into his arms.
* * *
When I went to bed that night, I didn’t sleep. I was lying in the crook of Sam’s arm, listening to his gentle snoring noises. My stomach was churning in a knot of anxiety.
Eventually as day broke across the city and it began to come to life in a blare of horns and engines, I pulled back the duvet and crept out of bed so as not to disturb him. I padded out to the kitchen and pressed the button on the coffee machine. As I made myself a coffee I thought it all through. When he had surprised me by turning up in Baked with Love earlier, I had been elated. Surely if my feelings had changed towards him, I wouldn’t have felt like that? I was sure he was the one for me and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, wasn’t I? So I couldn’t understand, why was I feeling like this?
Not long afterwards I felt Sam’s arms wrap me from behind. I jumped.
“You scared me. I didn’t hear you getting up.”
“Oh sorry,” he said, pulling back. He was just wearing his boxer shorts, and his hair was tousled from sleep. “So what has you up so early?”
“I couldn’t sleep.”
“I hope I wasn’t snoring?”
“No, I’ve just loads to do for work today and my mind was racing.”
“I hate it when you’re stressed, come back to bed with me.” He tugged playfully on my arm. He was smiling at me in that way he had where his eyes twinkled.
“I’m sorry, Sam, I need to get going. I’ve so much to do before I open up.” I couldn’t meet his eyes.
“No worries,” he said, but I knew he was hurt.
“Sam –”
“It’s fine, Lily.” He dropped his arms from around my waist and headed back into the bedroom.
CHAPTER 25
I was busy the following morning in Baked with Love. I had made Christmas pudding shaped cake-pops and displayed them on a stand inside the windows. People were stopping to admire them, and I was so happy to see some even came inside to buy some. The morning went past in a blur, making frothy hot chocolates and serving Christmassy treats and I was glad that I didn’t have too much time on my hands to think about Sam.
The bell tinkled and Mabel came through the door with little Lottie.
“So, what have you got for me today?” she said, rubbing her hands together gleefully. “I must say my mouth has been watering the whole walk down here just thinking about what you might have in store for me!”
“How about this lightly spiced peach and honey cake?” Dad suggested.
“Oooh, that sounds divine, I’ll have a slice of that please and a cuppa thanks, Hugh.”
“And honey cookie for Lottie,” Lottie said.
“Of course, sweetheart,” I said, smiling down at her pink cheeks.
“My diet will be out the window,” Mabel said, patting her tummy while Dad was serving her.
“Diet?” Dad scoffed. “A woman like you doesn’t need to diet!”
I looked at Mabel, then back to Dad again. They were grinning at one another. Was I imagining it or was Dad flirting? I watched in amusement as he helped her down with her tray.
“I’ll have a latte please,” I heard the next customer in the queue say distracting me from watching Dad. When I looked up, I saw that it was Sam with a big grin on his face. I was relieved to see that the tensions of that morning seemed to have been forgotten.
“Well this is a nice surprise, what are you doing here?”
“I thought I’d sample this fine new bakery; I hear a hot girl runs it.”
I smiled. “Flattery will get you everywhere!”
“So can I lure you away for a quick coffee break?”
“I can’t – I’m flat out here.” Sam looked around, and although a few tables were full, many more were not.
“Come on, five minutes won’t kill you, I promise if it gets busy, I’ll let you get back to it.”
“Lily, would you go on, I can hold the fort for a few minutes,” Dad said, interrupting me.
“Okay, go sit down then.”
I made us two coffees and followed him down to a small table in the corner. I sat down but straight away noticed that the milk jug needed to be refilled. I hopped up to go to the fridge.
“Where are you going now?” Sam asked.
“It needs more milk –” I said, holding up the jug.
“Can’t it wait for a few minutes?”
“Sorry – of course it can.” I smiled back at him and sat down again. “It’s hard to switch off sometimes.”
“Guess what?” he said.
“What?”
“I think I have found us the perfect wedding venue.”
I felt that familiar knot of anxiety that seemed to be gnawing away at me a lot lately get tighter. My heart started thumping like a small bird inside my chest.
“Where?” I said, hoping that my voice didn’t betray me and that I sounded as excited as he was.
“Marita’s garden!”
I almost spat out my coffee.
“I know it sounds daft, but it’s perfect,” he continued.
Marita had an old walled garden where roses and ivy crept along over the old red-brick walls. I had been over there for family parties and barbeques and it was great for entertaining, but for a wedding? Our wedding . . . well, I wasn’t so sure . . .
“Her garden is beautiful, we could erect a huge marquee and run fairy lights over the old walls,” he continued. “I think it would be magical. Think about it!”
“I guess so –”
“What is it?”
“Nothing.”
“You don’t want the garden, do you?”
>
“It’s not that –”
“Well, what is it then?”
I looked at his dark eyes where confusion was met with growing impatience. How could I ever find the words to express how I was feeling? I glanced over to see a small queue of three people had started to form. I jumped up. “I better go and help Dad out, but it sounds perfect, Sam.” I leaned in and kissed him on the lips.
He looked deflated, the enthusiasm that had been all over his face when he had bounded through the door just minutes earlier had evaporated.
“Lily, I –”
“I’ll see you later,” I said, quickly cutting him off before he could say anything else to me.
I hurried back over behind the counter and started to serve my hungry customers.
* * *
After I had closed that evening, I stayed in Baked with Love longer than usual. I had fallen behind on my paperwork, which I despised doing. It was such a chore. I also needed to finalise my orders before Christmas because a lot of my suppliers would be closing until the New Year. I just wished I could bake all day long and not bother with the other parts involved in running a business.
Frankie called in on her way home from a shoot while I was sweeping the floor.
“I was passing, and I saw the lights were still on. I thought you’d be at home playing with your early Christmas present?” she said with a wink.
“Frankie!” I said, shaking my head as I swept around her.
“So why are you still here? I thought you’d be spending every second that you have with him while he’s here.” She took off her sunflower yellow bouclé coat and sat down onto a chair.
“I’ve a business to run, I can’t let everything slide just because Sam is back – we’ll have all Christmas together anyway.”
She looked at me quizzically. “Hmmmh.”
“What?” I said defensively.
“Well, it’s just that you don’t seem very happy to have your fiancé home!”
“Of course, I am – it’s just –”
“Just what?”
I sighed and pulled out a chair and sat down opposite her. “I don’t know . . . he’s so keen on the wedding and he wants to set a date, but every time he mentions it, I just feel all panicky inside . . . it’s like my whole chest gets tight and I can’t breathe. I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I didn’t feel like this when Marc proposed.”
Her eyes widened. “Oh my God, Lily! Are you having doubts about marrying him?”
“No –” I said quickly. “Oh, I don’t know, Frankie . . .”
“You don’t sound too sure?”
“I’ve been married before; it’s different this time. I’m older now and I know what can go wrong. When I said my vows to Marc, I thought we would be together forever and it only lasted three months! I just want everything to stay the same, things are perfect between us now, and I’m just worried that if I walk down the aisle again, I could be setting myself up for more heartache. Whenever things go right in my life something bad always happens – I’m scared to let anything change.”
“So have you told Sam this?”
I shook my head. “I can’t seem to find the words. How am I supposed to tell him that I love him but I’m having doubts about marrying him? Hell, it sounds ridiculous even to me . . .” I groaned.
“Good luck with that!”
I sighed. “It’s a mess – I’m a mess . . .”
“Look, you love him, it’s just nerves,” she said gently. “After what happened the last time, that’s completely normal. You’ll be fine in a few weeks once you’ve had time to get your head around it.”
I nodded, willing myself to believe that what she was saying was true, but inside I felt the rising feeling of panic grip hold of me and it wouldn’t let go.
CHAPTER 26
It was after nine when I finally put the key in the door to head home. I mounted my bike and cycled over the cobblestones through the dark evening. Christmas lights twinkled magically across the city. Groups of noisy Christmas revellers staggered between bars, starting off the festive celebrations. A couple sat arguing on a bench, the woman’s face was red and tear-stained. When I reached our apartment, I let myself in to find Sam sitting at the table eating. It was set for two.
He looked up at me. “I wasn’t sure when you were going to be home. I left you a message?”
I fished out my phone from my jacket pocket and had a look. Sure enough, I saw three missed calls from Sam.
“Sorry, I was so engrossed in my order book that I never even looked at it –”
“It doesn’t matter. Yours is in the oven.” He gestured to the plate of curry he was eating.
“It looks great, thank you, I’m starved.”
I continued on to the kitchen and took my dinner from where Sam had left it.
“So, did you think any more about Marita’s place?” he asked after I had finished eating.
“Uh-huh,” I lied.
“And?”
I plastered a smile on my face. “It sounds great.”
“That’s it? That’s all you have to say about it?”
I placed my cutlery down on the plate.
“Well, yeah,” I said, taken aback. “I think it will be lovely.”
“Is everything okay between us?” he blurted.
I stopped dead. Fear snaked its way through my body. “Of course, why?”
“It’s nothing . . .” He wouldn’t meet my eyes.
“What is it, Sam?”
“I just thought you’d show a little bit more interest in our wedding, that’s all –”
“Of course, I’m interested.”
“Well, I don’t know . . . excuse me if I’m wrong, but I thought you might be a bit excited too?”
I felt like a rabbit caught in a trap; there was no way out. I knew I needed to be honest with him. Brutally honest.
“I just don’t know what’s wrong with me . . .” I blurted.
“You’re having doubts about marrying me?” He moved his chair back from the table with a screech. There was no mistaking the hurt in his eyes.
“I’m sorry, Sam. I don’t know what it is – I mean, I love you – I know I do, but whenever I think about marrying you . . . well . . . I get all anxious and I’m pretty sure it’s not meant to feel like this when you’re marrying somebody . . .”
“So it didn’t feel like this last time then?” His tone was spiteful, and I knew the comment was barbed.
“I’m sorry, Sam. I’m trying to be honest with you about how I’m feeling. I don’t know what is wrong with me –” I started to cry. He stayed rooted to his chair.
“I don’t really have anything more I can say to you, Lily. I thought you loved me –”
“I do love you, Sam – that’s why I don’t understand why I’m feeling like this –”
“Do you know what, Lily, I don’t understand it either!”
He got up from the chair and stormed out through the door.
* * *
It was after midnight when Sam returned that night. I lay there listening to the blood ringing in my ears, wondering about where he had gone. When I heard his footsteps in the hallway I waited for him to come into the bedroom, but instead, I heard him settling in for a night on the sofa. I got out of bed after a few minutes and crept into the living room. His jacket was tossed casually over the back of the sofa, and his shoes lay messily on the rug, where he had obviously kicked them off when he came in.
He was already comatose on the sofa. He was still fully clothed and snoring like a trooper. His skin looked silvery under the moonlight. There was a smell of alcohol off his breath. I drew the curtains before taking the throw off the back of the sofa. I placed it over him before returning to bed. I was so worried about what was going to happen to us. All I knew was that I didn’t want to lose him, but I was so afraid that I already had.
CHAPTER 27
Sam didn’t wake when I got up the next morning. He lay there snoring as I crept out the
door to work. The knot of anxiety that had been chasing me around for days had now wound itself so tightly around me that I felt as though I was going to suffocate. It was like I had an elephant sitting on my chest every time I thought about Sam and our future together. Here I was on Christmas Eve and instead of feeling excited about the chance to spend the holidays together, now we had come to an impasse. I knew last night’s events had changed everything for us, and I couldn’t see a way back from here.
I went to work that day, and Sam didn’t call me like he usually would. I didn’t feel very merry as customers wished me a happy Christmas, and when I finally turned the sign on the door to Closed to signal the start of the holidays, instead of excited, I just felt deflated. I said goodbye to Dad who had been cheerily wearing a Santa hat. His happy face was in direct contrast to my own worries.
When I reached our block, I chained my bike in the basement and took the lift up to the top floor. Sam was sitting watching TV when I went in.
“Hey there,” I said.
He didn’t answer me. I made my way over to the sofa and sat down beside him. It was some panel show where they were discussing the best rugby moments of the year.
“How was your day?” I tried again.
He looked at me, his eyes locked on mine, and I could see the pain behind them. I found myself unable to meet them, so I looked down at the floor. He picked up the remote and turned off the TV. Silence fell on the room.
“I think we both want different things, Lily,” he said eventually.
“I want you, Sam, I really do, but the wedding . . .”
“I don’t get it – if you want to be with me, then you should want to marry me. I have no doubts about you. We’ve been together for over two years now; we know each other as well as we’re ever going to know one another. I can’t see where we go from here –”
“Please, Sam, can’t we just be as we are now? What we have together is great – we don’t need to change that –”
“No, Lily, that’s not what I want. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I want to have children with you.”