by Izzy Bayliss
Over the next few weeks I went through the motions, and somehow I got through each day. I would plaster a smile on my face as I beat my batter and served my customers, but inside my heart was torn into tiny pieces. I ached for Sam. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I felt physically sick constantly. I had tried calling and texting him several times since he had returned to New York, but he never replied. The mornings were the worst; my body longed to feel his strong arms around me as I woke. It was as if I was waking from a nightmare over and over again, except it was worse because this was my reality.
One day I was working my way through the queue when I heard a familiar voice say, “Double espresso, please.”
I raised my head and felt my stomach lurch when I saw it was Marc standing there.
“Hi, Lily,” he said with a wide smile spreading across his face. Before I knew what was happening, he leant forward and kissed me. I pulled back quickly and felt heat make its way up along my face. We were standing in the middle of my café in broad daylight; I was embarrassed in front of the customers.
“What are you doing here?” I stammered. It had been two years since I had last seen him, and the sight of him had caught me off guard.
“Is that any way to talk to your husband?”
“Ex-husband,” I said through gritted teeth. Marc was the very last person I wanted to see here.
“Now, now, I just want to talk to you. I haven’t seen you in ages –”
“Well, I’m busy.”
I saw Dad, who had been clearing off a table, looking over at us with narrowed eyes.
“Are you okay, Lily?” he asked, coming over.
“Mr McD! The apron suits you,” Marc said, laughing.
“Hi, Marc,” Dad said icily.
“I’m sure you can spare five minutes for me, Lily. Come on, for old times’ sake.”
I noticed some of the customers looking funnily at me as they recognised Marc’s face from the gossip magazines and they tried to work out what was going on.
“Go and sit down, I’ll bring your espresso over in a minute,” I hissed.
“Oh, could you get me one of those lemon muffins – they look great – actually, do you have any without gluten? I’m going gluten free these days.”
I felt the rage course through my body.
“So what do you want?” I asked, setting the mug and plate with a gluten-free coconut cream cake down on the table a few minutes later and taking the seat opposite him.
“This place is really good actually, Lily,” he said, looking around. “I can’t believe you own it –”
“You sound surprised –”
“Well, yeah, I am – it’s like . . . a proper bakery. Somewhere I would actually go, y’know?”
“Yes, Marc, it is a ‘proper’ bakery. What did you think it was going to be? It’s a lot of hard work, I won’t lie, but I’m very proud of it. I love coming to work every day.”
“So, how’s it all going with the new guy?” He bit into the cake.
“His name is Sam, and it’s been over two years now, so he’s not new –”
“Yeah, Sam,” he said through a mouthful of chewed food.
“We broke up –”
“Sorry to hear that.”
“No, you’re not, you’re just glad to know somebody else who is just as much of a fuck-up as you.”
“Would I be a bad person if I said you’re kind of right?” He smiled wryly at me.
I shook my head. “So how are little Marley and Nadia?”
“Marley is great; she’s a pain. I don’t know what I ever saw in her.”
“Well, you must have seen something if you were able to walk out on your marriage after three months!”
“Touché!” He picked up a sugar sachet and flicked it back and forth between his fingers. “We’re trying to make a go of it, but if we didn’t have Marley I think we would have broken up a long time ago to be honest . . .”
I had heard all this before from Marc. He was the master of playing the sympathy card, but I wasn’t going to get sucked into feeling sorry for him. I had wised up to his antics.
“So what has you here?” I asked, wanting him to get to the point.
“I want to sell the house.”
“You want to sell Ballyrobin?”
He nodded.
“We can’t sell it, Marc, it’s still in negative equity.”
“But I need the money –”
“Well, if we sold it tomorrow, we wouldn’t get any – in fact, we’d owe the bank money.”
“Really?”
How stupid was he? I was in disbelief that this would come as news to him. “Well yeah, have you even looked at the property prices in that estate lately?”
“No.”
“Well, maybe you should!”
He was so clueless; he couldn’t even do the basic research to see if it made financial sense to sell it. He lived in his own self-centred bubble.
“Look, Marc, it’s not really any of my business, but Nadia is one of Ireland’s best-known actresses, surely you couldn’t be that hard up?”
“Well, we’ve broken up actually, so she keeps telling me to get a job, but it’s hard to get decent acting roles, especially in Ireland. The real work is in LA, but it’s not like I can go there now that we have a baby.”
I had to stifle back a laugh. He was deluded. As if having a baby was the sole reason why he couldn’t land a prime Hollywood role.
“Well, maybe there are other jobs you could do while you do auditions?”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know, an office job or work in a shop or something?”
He looked aghast. “I couldn’t do that!”
“Well, then don’t come complaining to me that you’re broke!” He was pathetic. I almost felt sorry for him. It was hard to believe that I had spent such a long part of my life with him and had been devastated by our break-up, whereas now I couldn’t help but wonder how I had put up with him for so long.
I looked up towards the counter and saw a small queue was beginning to form. Dad looked under pressure. “Look, I have to go, the lunchtime rush has started.”
“Oh . . . right.”
I stood up to leave, but he made no move to go.
“Do you think I could get a refill?” He signalled to his now empty mug.
I felt my blood boil. I shoved back my chair with a screech and stood up. As I made my way back to the counter, my legs felt wobbly. I tried to walk but they wouldn’t work properly. Suddenly, I felt a loud ringing in my ears as if I was being chased by a swarm of angry bees. The counter started to shimmer in front of me.
“Lily, Lily, are you okay?” I could hear Dad asking me somewhere on the periphery, but I wasn’t able to answer him. It sounded as though he was miles away.
Suddenly, the ground seemed to melt away before me and I was falling to the floor.
CHAPTER 32
Ow, ow, ow . . . my head was throbbing; it felt as though my brain was pulsing against my skull. I could hear voices talking in hushed tones around me.
“Lily?” I heard a voice from the periphery ask. “Are you awake?”
I wanted whomever it was to just leave me alone. I was so tired, and my head was thumping.
“What happened to her?” Another voice asked.
“I don’t know; Marc showed up at the café. One minute they were talking, and God knows what he must have said to her because the next thing I see she is collapsed on the floor and is out cold.”
I recognised the voices, but I didn’t know where I was or why they were talking about me.
“Lily, can you hear me?” The voice was insistent.
I slowly began to peel my eyes open. Light rushed in and it hurt, so I closed them down again.
“She’s awake! She just opened her eyes!”
I tried once more and this time I let them adjust to the room around me. The first person I saw was Clara. I shifted my eyes and saw Dad was beside her.
“Oh tha
nk God, you’re awake,” he said, squeezing my hand.
“Where am I?” was all I could manage to get out.
“You’re in the hospital, love. You fainted in the café. You had a bad fall and were out cold. You gave us all a fright.” He was smiling kindly at me. “How are you feeling?”
I tried to nod but my head was so sore when I tried to move it.
“Don’t stir now, you’ve a lot of bruising, easy does it.”
“What happened?” My voice came out as a croak.
“Well, I don’t know . . . Marc came in –” Dad said.
“Marc?” I grimaced.
Dad nodded. “You two were talking . . . I don’t know what happened. I was busy making a coffee for a customer and the next thing I heard a commotion, and when I turned around to see what was going on, you were on the floor! Some of the customers who saw what happened said you hit your head off a table on the way down. The doctors are running some tests to make sure everything is okay with you.”
“It’s probably just low blood pressure.” Clara was shaking her head knowingly. “It happens to me all the time.”
“Clara’s right, I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about.” Dad smiled weakly.
I tried to recall what had led to me being here, but my mind was blank. I had no recollection of anything that had happened earlier that day, especially of talking to Marc.
Suddenly, the curtain was being pulled back and a man in a white coat came in clutching a file against his chest. “Ah Lily, I’m glad to see you’re awake. I’m Doctor Marshall. How are you feeling?”
“A bit sore.”
“You had a nasty concussion. It’ll take a while before you start feeling like yourself again. Can I ask how have you been feeling lately? Have you had any episodes before? Any dizziness or blackouts?”
I shook my head. “I’ve been fine. It’s the first time anything like this has ever happened to me.”
He nodded. “So we’ve run some bloods, and we’ve just got the results back from the lab. I think we know why it happened –”
“What is it?” I asked, suddenly concerned that there was a reason for this and it wasn’t just “one of those things.”
I noticed he shifted feet and cleared his throat. “Well, perhaps your family could leave us alone together for a few minutes –”
Suddenly, I was scared. Was he going to tell me I was dying? Was this the bit where they told me I had six weeks to live so I needed to start ticking off my bucket list before I kicked the bucket myself?
“No, I want them to stay with me,” I said quickly. I needed their support for whatever he was going to tell me. I know I’m such a catastrophist, but I can’t help it.
He pulled out a chair and sat down. “Very well then, Lily, I don’t know if you realise it, but you’re actually pregnant.” His face was beaming down on me as if it was the best news ever.
Pregnant? The words seemed so out of context. It was as if he was speaking a different vocabulary to me, it didn’t make any sense.
“Pregnant? But I can’t be –”
“Well, your bloods would suggest differently –”
“But I – I’m sure I’m not – I’m single –”
“Look, it’s none of my business how the . . .” he cleared his throat, “event . . . came about, but the fact of the matter is that you’re pregnant. I’m sorry if this has come as a shock to you or if your circumstances aren’t ideal. I can ask one of the hospital counsellors to have a word with you if you would like?”
I risked a glance at Clara who was holding her head in her hands and shaking it, saying, “I don’t believe it,” over and over again.
“Often the change in hormone levels associated with early pregnancy can cause a drop in blood pressure resulting in dizziness and or fainting. Going by your HCG levels, I would estimate that you are about eight weeks along, although we would need to do a dating scan to confirm that.”
“I see . . .” I said, reeling with the shock.
“So who’s the Dad, Lily?” Clara hissed at me as soon as Doctor Marshall had left us alone again. “You must have known him for a sum total of weeks. Unless you’re the second coming of the Virgin Mary? Well done, little sister, once again you have made a complete and utter cock-up of your life!”
“Ah, Lily, it’s not Marc’s, is it?” Dad asked, the blood suddenly draining from his face.
“No, Dad, of course it’s not!” I said affronted. “It can only be Sam’s – I haven’t been with anyone else –”
“Well, putting on the pity act isn’t going to get you out of this one!”
“Now, now, Clara,” Dad intervened.
“But they’re not even together anymore! She’s going to be another single mother scrounging off the state. I cannot believe you allowed this to happen, Lily. Didn’t you ever hear of contraception?”
“I – I – I did – we did –”
“Well, clearly it wasn’t very effective!”
“It’s not the end of the world. Plenty of people do it alone these days, times have changed,” Dad said.
“Oh, quit your neo-liberal antics, Dad, for Christ’s sake!” Clara said. “It’s a disaster!”
I closed my eyes. My head was throbbing, and the news I had just learnt had made it a million times worse. Clara was not helping. I just wanted to get rid of her.
“Don’t you realise the magnitude of this, Lily?” she continued. “Do you know how demanding being a parent is? You can’t even support yourself, let alone a baby! And you want to do it on your own?” She scoffed. “You’ve ruined your whole life.”
“Clara, Lily has had a tough day, she’s exhausted, she needs to rest now,” Dad said to her. He turned back to me. “Are you sure you’re okay, love? I know this is a big shock, but we’re here for you, you know that, don’t you? No matter what happens you won’t be doing this on your own.”
I briefly opened my eyes and nodded at him before closing then again and pretending to fall back asleep. After a few moments, I heard them packing up to go with Clara muttering, “just when I thought she was finally getting her life together . . .”
After they had left, I felt the weight of tears pressing behind my eyes. They spilled over and down along my face until the pillowcase underneath me grew damp. I couldn’t believe what I had been told. How had I not realised it? Now that I thought about it, I couldn’t remember when I had last had my period. I had been so upset by everything with Sam and then busy with Baked with Love that I just hadn’t noticed. It explained why I had been feeling so nauseous; I had been putting it down to heartache and missing Sam. What was I going to do now? Sam was gone, and I was alone. The timing couldn’t have been worse, especially as I was trying to get Baked with Love off the ground, how would I do that and mind a baby? I couldn’t have a baby. I just couldn’t. I could barely look after myself.
CHAPTER 33
The next morning I woke to the sound of the breakfast trolley being pushed into the ward. Spoons rattled against teacups and plates shuddered against each other as it came closer to me. The curtain was pulled back and a tray was placed on the table at the end of the bed. I could smell mushrooms and it made me want to heave.
I placed my hands on the skin of my stomach and tried to imagine what was going on in there. It was hard to believe that right now there was a baby, or probably a tadpole at this stage, growing away without any input from me, and yet I had been completely unaware of the whole thing. I couldn’t believe that I was already two months along. Didn’t people begin showing at around three months? I felt so unprepared for it all, both emotionally and financially. If I had still been with Sam, although it would have been a shock, I know we would have worked it out together. He would have been supportive during something like this. He would have calmly allayed all my fears and told me that everything was going to be all right, but now that we were no longer together, I didn’t even have that comfort.
I heard the trolley being wheeled back in a while afterwards, and
the catering assistant shook her head in dismay as she lifted my untouched breakfast tray back onto her trolley again.
A while later a head peeped around the side of the curtain. “Lily?”
“Frankie!”
She hurried over to my bedside and hugged me. “Thank God, you’re okay. You gave me such a fright when you didn’t come home, and then you weren’t answering your phone. I was going up the walls, but then your Dad called me late last night and told me what happened.”
“Did he tell you everything?”
“Well yeah, I think so . . .” She sat down onto the chair beside my bed. “What do you mean everything?
“Well, the reason I collapsed –”
“There’s a reason?”
I nodded. “I’m pregnant, Frankie –”
She gasped. “You’re what?”
“Pregnant.”
“I heard you, but how?”
“Your guess is as good as mine.” I threw my head back against the pillow. “They reckon I’m about eight weeks along. It must have happened in New York.”
“So it’s Sam’s then?”
“Of course, it is, sure I haven’t even looked at another man since our break-up.”
“Have you told him yet?”
I shook my head. “I need to get my own head around it first . . . it’s such a mess.”
She reached out for my hand and spoke softly. “Do you think you’ll keep it?”
I nodded. “I think so,” I said in a small voice. Even though circumstances were far from ideal, I couldn’t see me ever going through with an abortion.
“Look, you’re hardly a teenager, there are worse situations out there. I know you and Sam are no longer together, but it doesn’t mean he still can’t be a part of this baby’s life. And you have your Dad and me. And Clara –” She had a wry smile on her face.
“I know, but it’s just not the way I imagined things turning out . . . Whenever I think about starting a family, I picture me and the baby’s dad together. I imagine us going to all the appointments, shopping for buggies, him holding my hand in the labour ward while I curse for Ireland! I want all of that – I don’t want to do it like this . . .” The tears started up again.