Reaching Out For You (Never Letting Go)

by S. Moose

  “When are you going to learn Sophia?” His dark eyes eat me whole. I turn my head away and yell incoherent words to get anyone’s attention in the building. “Why don’t you just tell me how you feel? I see that look in your face. You don’t want to see me. You’re pissed that I stood you up! Aren’t you?” He holds my mouth shut with his hand and holds my wrists tighter. I whimper and try to push him but I can’t move. “Why can’t you just see how much I love you? You push me to this Sophia.”

  I try to take his hand off of my mouth so I can talk to him but he holds more force on me so I can’t move. He has total control over me. Maybe this is what I deserve. I should have been a better girlfriend. I should have been better. I did this to myself. I want to tell him that I love him and that I’m sorry. I want him to stop hitting me. I keep crying and crying but he won’t stop.

  All of a sudden I hear the door open and see Erin coming toward us. “Get the fuck off her Kyle or I swear I will hurt you.” Before Kyle could get up, Erin punches him in the face knocking him off balance. I quickly get up from the floor and run over to her.

  Kyle shakes his head and looks at the both of us. “Are you fucking serious right now? Who the fuck do you think you are,” His laugh makes me nervous and I want him out of my life. This nightmare needs to be over.

  Erin pushes me back and looks straight at Kyle, “Someone who will fuck up your life if you don’t leave right now. I swear Kyle I will make you regret ever knowing me if you don’t leave now!” Erin pulls me to her. “You’re done with her Kyle. Don’t call or text her anymore. She isn’t your girlfriend!”

  “Is that what you want Sophia? You want us to be done? No more?”

  I tear my eyes away from him. This is too much. I hate that I’m doing this. I just want to say sorry and tell him that we can work it out. I look at Erin and her expression says it all. I need to break up with him. I can’t live like this. I touch my face and remember all the times he’s hit me. This is it. “I’m sorry Kyle but we can’t be together anymore.” My voice is so low. I hope he hears me. “I just can’t do this anymore.”

  Kyle takes one final look at us. “This isn’t over,” he says threateningly before leaving. Erin shuts the door and I fall into her arms.

  Chapter 3

  I told Erin everything about Kyle, his temper and how he’s been beating me for the past few weeks. I told her about my sessions with Dr. Taylor and how I’ve had to keep so many things about my life a secret. Erin sat there stunned and speechless but I couldn’t blame her. She kept asking me why I stayed with him. I couldn’t answer. I stayed with him because I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t think anyone could love me since Adam wasn’t around. I told Erin that Kyle did love me but she told me love shouldn’t be this way. We both cried as she held me. She told me how stupid I was for being with him and not telling anyone. She begged me to go to the doctors but I told her I was ok and didn’t want to deal with anyone or have my dad find out. I hated lying to her. It was painful to breathe.

  “Soph, I will be here for you no matter what.” She gives me a reassuring smile and holds me while I cry. “It’ll be ok. Come on let’s watch a movie and get your mind off this crap and that asshole.”

  “Ok.” My whole body goes limp. I can’t cry anymore. My eyes are puffy and my head is pounding. Erin gives me a bottle of cold water. I hold it to my face and lay back down on my bed. I did it. I am free of Kyle. I hope that everything will be ok now.

  Erin pops in the movie and we get comfortable on my bed. It’s good to have her here with me, I feel safe. There’s a huge weight that’s off my shoulders. I feel guilty and miss Kyle. He used to sleep on the side Erin is lounging, I ask her for another pillow, his pillow. I breathe in his scent and start to cry again. I want Kyle back. Maybe I’ll call him in the morning. We both need time apart tonight. The movie starts and I fall right to sleep.

  Morning comes and I wake up to a beautiful sunrise. Its six o’clock and I feel a little better. I look over and notice that Erin isn’t there. I feel a little sad but figure she has class this morning. I’m still in bed as I touch my face and stomach. I’m still in pain from last night. I close my eyes and try to think about the other night. I can’t get Kyle’s face out of my head. I feel like calling him and telling him how sorry I am. I grab my phone as it vibrates on my nightstand, thinking it could be Erin checking on me, but instead I see a message from Kyle.

  Kyle: If you tell anyone anything I will kill you. You don’t know what I am capable of Sophia. You will be mine again even if I have to drag you back. No one leaves me do you understand? Get your shit together! Be the good girlfriend that you’re supposed to be. Do I make myself clear?

  I throw my phone on the floor and cry. I start hyperventilating and am hysterically looking around my room, he has a key to my room. He can come in any time and hurt me again. I make a quick call to campus security for them to change the locks on my door. They let me know it will be done today and not to worry. How easy for them to say, they haven’t been through my hell. I’m such a fool. I honestly want my life to be back to normal. I resent myself, I let this go too far. No more though. I can’t risk my own happiness or my life. How could I think we would be ok? He’s not going to change. Nothing will change. How can I make sure he stays out of my life?

  I stay in bed for a few more hours before deciding it’s time to get up. I get my phone from the floor and put it on my desk when I notice a note Erin has left me.

  I’m here for you if you ever need me. Don’t shut me out. I love you!

  BFF

  I smile as I put the note back down. I know she wants to be here, for me but I can’t drag her into this mess with Kyle. I don’t want her getting hurt too.

  I lift up my shirt and look at my stomach. There’s a slight yellow and purple bruise. It’s fairly big and when I touch it, I flinch at how sensitive it is. I walk over to my desk and pick up the picture frame of Kyle and me from when we went to California to visit his parents. How did everything change? A single tear falls from my eye. The Kyle who stole my heart isn’t here anymore. I put the picture frame in the garbage. Today is a new day and I need to get rid of all the negativity.

  I brush away thoughts of Kyle and get ready. I have to keep telling myself this isn’t my fault. I sit back on my bed and slowly count to ten. I let out a breath and open my eyes. I’m here. I’m alive. I need to be stronger. Better. I can do this.

  I get up from my bed and look at my reflection in the mirror. “Sophia Burns, you deserve to be happy. You deserve to smile. Sophia Burns, open your eyes and start living your life.” Wow that feels good to say out loud. I throw on a yellow hoodie and my black yoga pants. I look at myself in the mirror and promise myself that I’ll learn how to be happy. I put on my sneakers and head out of my room for a long walk so I can get things in perspective.

  The walk is soothing and helps me clear my mind. I don’t want to be anywhere near Kyle but getting an order of protection won’t do anything for me. It is a piece of paper that no one cares about enforcing. His parents will bail him out of jail anyway. I feel like I can’t ever be alone or else Kyle will get his way. I’m in my own world when I hear a sweet and loving voice behind me. “Good morning.” My heart goes crazy and I start to sweat. This isn’t good. I have to say something, this time, anything to him!

  I whip my head to him. “Morning,” I casually say. I’m lame there’s no question about it. He looks so sexy with his sweat pants and red hoodie. His thick dark brown hair is messy and I just want to run my hands through it.

  “I heard you had dinner with Conner last night. How was it?” He winks at me and I melt. I miss him. This is how I should feel. I want Adam back.

  “It was so fun!” I sound a little too happy and tell myself to be cool. “We talked for a little and he ate my food.” I nervously laugh. “How’ve you been?” We stop walking and I turn to him to get a better look in his eyes. I remember his blue eyes and how calm I would feel every time I looked at him. I can
’t explain why he makes me feel this way but I don’t care-I love how he makes me feel. I love him.

  “Good, real good, and yourself?” He smiles at me again. I can look at his smile every day for the rest of my life. I want to promise him so much. Our friendship means the world to me and I hope that when we do become friends again, that relationship will turn to us being lovers. He’ll always be my best friend. The distance and time doesn’t matter. He’s back for a reason and now it’s my time to take charge. “I’m ok.” I look up and see him staring at me. “What are you looking at?” I laugh.

  Adam shakes his head and runs his hand through his brown hair. “Nothing, I’m glad I decided to come to this school.”

  I touch his arm and smile. “I’m glad you decided to come here too.” We continue walking toward my dorm in silence. I like being around Adam because he’s easy going and the silence between us isn’t awkward. Even though we still have so much to talk about, nothing seems out of place. I don’t want to bring up the past since it’s done and over with. We can’t change anything that’s happened but instead we can build a stronger present and future. When we get to my dorm, I turn around to face Adam. “Thanks for walking with me today. It was fun.”

  Adam smiles and gently takes my hand. “I hope we can see each other soon. Have a good day, Soph.”

  “You too Adam,” We look at each other for a few seconds and then he turns to walk away. I want to run up to him and hold him in my arms but I can’t bring myself to do that. Time will bring us back together and I have to have faith. I get back to my dorm and grab the photo album on my desk. I flip through the pages and look at the ones of Adam and me. I remember each of these moments with him-us in Florida, junior prom, getting our driver’s licenses, birthday parties and holiday gatherings. Now it’s time to make new memories. I slowly close the album and make a mental promise to myself that I won’t mess up anything with Adam. After a few moments, I grab my towel and shower kit and head for the shower.

  I don’t have classes today but Dr. Henry sent an email to all of us to meet at one o’clock for an important announcement. I change into my skinny jeans and a sweater. I sit on the floor in front of my long length mirror and apply some make up. I check my phone and see a text from Erin.

  Erin: Just checking up on you babe. I hope you’re ok. Sorry I had to leave this morning but we’ll talk tonight. xoxox forever Sophia!

  I smile at her message.

  Me: Thanks Erin I owe you so much but I’m ok.

  Erin: You don’t ever owe me anything. Just promise me you’ll stay away from Kyle.

  Me: I promise.

  Erin: K good. I love you!

  Me: I love you too!

  I put down my phone and finish putting on my makeup. It’s still pretty early and I don’t have anything else to do. I get my phone again and call Sarah. The phone rings twice and she answers.

  “Morning sweetie, what’s up?” Her voice is always upbeat and I envy her a little bit. She is able to overcome the negative aspects of life and enjoy living. I don’t want to keep feeling dead inside or deal with all the demons around me.

  “Hey! I just wanted to say hi and see if you’re around.”

  “Oh no, I’m not! I’m sorry but I think dads nearby. You ok?”

  The worry in her voice makes me sad. I don’t want her to think anything’s wrong. “Yeah, yeah no worries, I don’t have classes today and wanted to hang out.”

  “I’m sorry sweetie but today’s a bad day. Why don’t you and Kyle come over for dinner this weekend?”

  Ugh Kyle I thought. “We broke up Sarah.”

  “Soph, what happened?” The concern in her voice makes me nervous. I don’t want to lie to her but she doesn’t deserve to worry about me. She has enough on her plate. I can handle this.

  I sigh into the phone. “We just haven’t been getting along and it was time to break up.”

  “Are you ok though?” Sarah asks.

  I get up from the floor and grab my purse. “Yeah I’m fine, no worries.” I walk out of my room and take the elevator down. “It feels good to be on my own.”

  “That’s the spirit,” Sarah laughs.

  I get outside and instantly feel better. “Alright love, I’m going to get some things done but I’ll talk to you later. I love you.”

  “I love you too Soph. Talk to you later.”

  I hang up with Sarah and decide to call my dad for breakfast.

  I get to the café and wait for him to meet me. I want to see him and ask for advice. My dad means the world to me. When my mom died, he took over everything and even though it was hard, he never gave up. I admire his strength. After ending my friendship with Adam and Connor, he tried to do everything possible to make me see how I was overreacting. Needless to say, it didn’t work but his words stuck with me.

  “Sophia, never forget the ones who touched your life and who you keep in your heart.”

  I get to the café and see him sitting there waiting for me. I look at him and think how lucky I am. He looks up from his cell phone and smiles at me. I walk to where he’s sitting and he gets up to give me a hug, “Hi Dad.”

  He lets me go and we sit down, “Hi sweetie. This is a nice surprise. How are you?”

  “I’m good, just tired. Today’s the meeting with Dr. Henry and I have a feeling he’s announcing who they have chosen for the positions.”

  My dad’s face lights up and I can tell he’s hiding his excitement. “Well I sure hope you get it sweetie. You deserve only the best.”

  I smile. We look through the menu and decide on a light meal. Dad walks up to the counter and orders two of everything-coffee, yogurt and muffins.

  The conversation is nice. I listen to him talk about work and his upcoming travel plans. He wants to go to other countries and open clinics to help those in need. I’m happy for him and want to help him out but Sarah’s going to be his travel companion. A part of me is jealous but I have to finish school and if I get the position at Optimax, all my time will be there.

  We’re eating our yogurt and I decide to tell him about Kyle. “Dad, I broke up with Kyle.”

  His eyes give me an odd stare. “Honey what’s wrong? I thought you guys were good.”

  I shrug my shoulders and slump in my chair. I take another bite of my yogurt and play with the spoon. We were good. Now he uses me as a punching bag and I can’t let him do that anymore. I want to tell him that. I just can’t. I can’t break his heart. “We aren’t good anymore and it’s time to move on.”

  Instead of pushing for more details, he sits there and smiles. I try and read what he’s thinking but can’t figure it out. He drinks his coffee and shakes his head. “Whatever makes you happy.”

  I think about what he says. Something so simple has such a profound meaning and impact. I need to do whatever makes me happy. Being with Kyle doesn’t make me happy. It shouldn’t be a hard feat. Being happy is essential. I think I need to stop over thinking everything and just live but something is gnawing at me. There’s something brewing and I can’t seem to figure it out.

  We finish our breakfast and head out with my dad’s arm around my shoulders. “Dad thanks for having breakfast with me.” I give him a hug and hold on a little tighter.

  “Anytime Sophia, you know that.” He kisses me on the head and looks at me. “Promise me something?”

  “Sure.”

  He breathes in, “Be happy for you and no one else. “

  I laugh, “Alright dad. Love you.”

  “Love you too Princess.”

  I walk back to campus and head toward the gym to see if Adam is there. I look around to make sure I’m alone. I hate that I need to watch where I’m going. I need to let Kyle’s control over me go. This is a new start to my life. I need to start with a clean slate and do what makes me happy. Can I do it though? I tell myself that this is what needs to be done in order to live and get what I want.

  I get to the doors of the gym and take a deep breath. I peek inside and I don’t see him
. I feel like a creeper. I turn back and decide to go to my meeting in the Dr. Joseph Henry building. I see Adam walking and I freeze. I want to call out to him but he looks like he’s in a hurry. The sight of him makes me weak in my knees and it’s hard to breathe. The feelings of longing and want speed through my body and mind. Memories flood through of our days and nights together. Each day that passes, I feel closer to him. I watch him as he walks into the gym with his black shorts and yellow long sleeve shirt.

  The sobs build up in my chest as I imagine reaching out for him to save me. He’s it for me. Just his presence makes me weak inside and breathless. I bury my face in my hands and feel each sob release from my body. I just want him. I want to talk to him and tell him how sorry I am for everything. Enough is enough. I will not go another day without him. When I look up, I see Connor looking over at me. I wonder how long he’s been standing there. He walks over to me and brings me into his arms. I sigh and let the tears fall again.