I closed my eyes. “I swear on all things holy Damon, if you call me that one more time—” I said, holding my hand in the air to stop him from talking. Every time I heard that name memories of our time together clawed their way back to my full focal awareness.
“Sorry—I keep forgetting,” he said, rubbing his face with both his hands. He looked like he hadn’t slept in a few days. Puffy half circles lined the bottom of his eyes. He looked slightly disheveled in running pants and a fitted tee—definitely not Damon Williams’ style.
“I came over here so we could talk,” he tried again.
“Fat chance of that happening,” I responded, folding my arms over my chest.
“Look—you’re going to have to talk to me at some point. I need an explanation. At a minimum you owe me an apology for slapping me.”
“You’re delusional if you think I would ever apologize for that,” I spat out.
“Figures,” he said. Damon jerked his thumb towards the sliding glass door. “Who’s that clown anyway?” he asked.
“That’s really none of your concern, Damon.”
“Are you two together or something?”
“Actually, we are,” I said. My voice was sheeted with ice.
“So what, you’ve decided to try vanilla?” Damon asked, tossing me a snide look.
I let the anger that I felt from his shitty comment get the best of me. “As a matter of fact, I have. And you know what? He seems to have no problem keeping his dick in his pants. Don’t worry about me—Logan has all the right moves ‘for a white boy’ ” I bit out. My eyes were shooting daggers through his head.
“I see you’re going for the kill shot,” Damon remarked coolly, his voice reeking with sarcasm.
“You should leave. Jay is asleep anyway,” I said forcefully. The short tolerance that I had for Damon was exhausted. He was being unnecessarily rude and his stupid ass comment genuinely pissed me off. Who was he to judge?
“No—until we talk, I’m not going anywhere,” he said. He defiantly plopped down in one of the kitchen chairs next to the table. “We can do this all night,” he said, wrapping his fingers on the table, “I don’t have anywhere else to be.” Had he always been such a child? I wondered. Probably.
“Damon, we aren’t college kids anymore. I said what I had to say the other night, and I’m done,” I reiterated. For a split second I saw Damon’s mask slip.
“You’re done?” he asked, bewildered. “Well that’s great, but I’m not,” he hissed. “You drop this bomb on me and I’m just supposed to leave it alone?”
“Don’t do this. We’re done. It’s over. Leave it alone, Damon,” I said in my most calm voice. I knew where he wanted to go, but it would get him nowhere. I just wanted him to leave. Logan was going to be back any minute, and I didn’t want him to witness the stupidity of Damon. As much as I would have liked to let Damon have it again, I didn’t want to have a shouting match in front of Logan.
“Why do you insist on bringing this up, Damon? Are you so selfish that you can’t see how much it hurts me?” My voice was beginning to crack and my eyes began to sting as a picture of the first ultrasound I’d ever had popped into my mind. Damn it! This wasn’t what I wanted or needed. I ran my finger under my eye before any tears could fall.
“I’m sorry I hurt you. That’s why I’m here. I want to fix this…fix us. I miss you.” His words weren’t the analgesic I’d expected them to be. I felt like I was in a parallel universe, stuck in a time warp. On one plane, it was me and Damon, living happily ever after with our baby. On another, it was me and Logan against the world, braving unchartered territory.
“I screwed up. That’s all there is to it. Yes I slept with her—but she meant nothing. I was wrong,” he exhaled, his voice breaking slightly. “You were always there and I fucked up, but I wouldn’t have walked away…if I knew…if I knew you were pregnant,” he stammered. “Do you honestly think I wouldn’t have come back if you told me?” he said. Damon reached for my arm.
“Don’t,” I said, pulling back instinctively. “You made your choice. Now you have to live with it.” Even though sorrow pulsed through my veins like fluid in a carburetor, I knew what I wanted, and it was time for Damon to know as well.
“I don’t want you back, Damon. However you spin it, we’re done. The only reason you’re sorry for screwing someone else is because you couldn’t handle the guilt,” I pointed directly at him.
“You and I had our shot, and you blew it. I haven’t even had the courage to be with anyone since you shattered me, but since Logan’s come along, he’s slowly dragging my soul out of the black hole you left it in, so whether he was white, black, purple or green, I don’t care because he makes me insanely happy, and that’s more than I can say for you.” I drew in a deep breath, before continuing. I just wanted to get our conversation over with.
“Two—you have forgotten that I know you more than you know yourself. I know that you would never let anything get in the way of your goals or aspirations. You would have treated my pregnancy as a mere inconvenience in your life plan, and no child deserves to be treated like a burden.” I could feel my sorrow boiling. The tiny grasp I had on my restraint was weakening.
Just then I heard the sliding glass door being opened. Logan stepped in.
“Whew, it’s chilly out,” Logan exclaimed, closing the door behind him. I looked in Logan’s direction and greeted him with a halfhearted smile. “Hey.”
Logan was at my side in a heartbeat. “Hey, what’s wrong? Are you crying?” he asked, pulling me into his side.
“It’s nothing,” I lied. I turned to Damon. “It’s time for you to go…”
“Mystic…” Damon said.
I shook my head violently. “Stop talking.” My resolve was lost, and my tears began to fall. “You screwed up and there’s nothing left here for you to fix.”
Damon started to say something but Logan cut him off.
“Leave. You’re upsetting her,” he said. Logan pulled me closer to him and I willingly fell into his chest.
“This has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me and Brooklyn,” Damon said. I could tell Logan wanted to say something, but I placed my hand on his chest to stop him,
“Damon, we have nothing to talk about anymore,” I said for the trillionth time as I wiped my cheek.
“Well good for you—but here’s a dose of reality,” Damon said nastily, eyeing Logan up and down. “I should have never walked away—and that’s what I really came here to tell her. She and I have too much history—so you can either bow out now, or get pushed to the side,” he said. I couldn’t believe it. Even after everything I’d told him, Damon still thought that he actually had a shot at reconciling what we had.
“Hmm—hindsight really is a bitch, isn’t it? Unfortunately for you, you did fuck up—but by pure chance I ran into this amazing woman—and have no intention of walking away. Maybe what you two shared was more than casual, but at the end of the day, know this—I’m the only one she needs to take care of her.”
I found my voice in the back of my throat. I needed to once again put Damon in his rightful place.
“Damon, the only thing I would ever accept from you is you out of my sight. It’s amazing to me that the very second I made a conscious decision to move on, you show up and try to screw it up. Get it through your thick skull—I don’t want to have anything to do with you!” I hissed.
“I know you don’t mean that,” Damon said, standing from his chair.
“I can’t…I can’t do this,” I said, breaking free of Logan’s embrace.
I stormed to the back door and slid it open wildly. I jogged down the back stairs, taking deep breaths.
After five minutes of breathing in cool air, I hadn’t quite staved off the fourth nervous breakdown in a mere matter of months. I sunk down onto the bottom step and rested my head on my knees, tears wetting my interlocked arms. I was amazed at how chaotic my Friday evening had become. One minute I was enjoying time wi
th Logan and my friends, the next I was being barraged by Damon.
“Brooklyn?” Logan sat down beside me.
“Hey,” I said, wiping my face with my hand. “I’m sorry you had to hear that.
Ugh—” I pushed my hair out of my face. Handling my issues with Damon from afar was much easier than dealing with him in person. He was making my life miserable. On one hand I felt foolish for holding onto my anger for so long; on the other, I just couldn’t let go.
“Why are you sorry? I don’t even know him and he sounded like a supreme asshole.”
“I just don’t even know how I ended up here.” Tears were still managing to freely fall from my eyes. I couldn’t stop them, and that agitated me.
“It’s cold out here. Do you want to go inside and talk?”
“He hurt me so bad, Logan,” I whispered. The floodgates to my heart were wide open. I couldn’t hold in my anguish any longer.
I sniffed, making a last ditch attempt to hold back the tidal wave.
“Hey, come here, don’t cry.” Logan scooted closer to me, enveloping me. It was like he was wrapping me in the last life jacket onboard, before the ship sank. I turned into Logan and draped my arms around his neck. Once I laid my head on his shoulder, my dam broke, and I began to sob relentlessly. Logan firmly held me, not letting me go. As I cried he caressed my hair.
“Come on, let’s go for a walk,” he said after I finished blubbering on his shirt.
“Okay,” I said. Logan wrapped his coat around my shoulders and took me by the hand. Leading me slowly down the steps and onto the sidewalk, I was amazed at his sincerity. He stepped up to the plate and took the reins when I wasn’t strong enough to hold on.
“I feel like I owe you some type of explanation. We usually don’t have so many theatrics in one evening,” I started.
“No, you don’t. I won’t pressure you into discussing something if you’re not ready.”
“No. Talking about it seems to help me gain perspective, little by little. Plus, I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.”
Logan and I walked slowly—and just talked. I told him about Damon and I, why I had such a fervent hate for him, how hard it had been to come to terms with the fact that I had lost a baby I didn’t even know I was carrying and how out of the whole experience, the thing I wanted most was to let go and move on—uninhibited.
When we got back to the house, Damon was gone thankfully. I was exhausted from the bevy of emotions that I had run through in a matter of hours. I collapsed on the couch.
“Stay,” I whispered as I nestled into Logan on the couch.
He wrapped his arms around me tighter. “Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere.” We were both silent as I rested my head on his shoulder, listening to the sounds that drifted into the house from the street. Every now and then I would hear a car pass. The kitchen clock told me that it was past midnight, but instead of heading toward my bedroom, I just stayed in the security of Logan’s embrace. My eyes were heavy, and eventually my consciousness ebbed away.
I was startled back into consciousness when my face collided with Logan’s chest as he lifted me into his arms.
“Hey,” he murmured, “you were out of it.”
“I was?” I asked sleepily, “What time is it?”
“Late,” he responded. “Don’t worry, I got you.” I lazily twined my arms around his neck. “You know, I could get used to this,” I said drowsily. He was carrying me toward my bedroom.
“Good—that’s the plan,” he crooned in response.
I felt his arms relax under my weight as he laid me on the bed.
“Lift up for a minute. Let me get these off you,” he whispered. I arched my body off my mattress. He tugged the rough fabric of my jeans down my legs, and then I felt the softness of my sheets floating along my skin. The smell of my Logan and fabric softener drew me back to sleep.
16
I woke up the next morning to sunlight seeping around my curtains. I turned onto my back to look at Logan. There was a piece of notepad paper where his warm body had been. Once I saw the slip of paper, my heart sank. He left, I thought. Last night had probably been too much for him. I grabbed the piece of paper and read the words that jumped off the page:
Good morning beautiful,
I went back to my hotel to get cleaned up and dressed. I’ll be back around eleven thirty. Pack a bag and be ready. I didn’t want to wake you before I left, but if I had I would’ve took a stab in the dark and told you this:
I want you to give us the opportunity to stroll hand in hand, especially during those times when you can’t stand. I know we’ve only met what seems like seconds ago, but for some reason all I can think of is the opportunity of us having more. I’m sure there will be times when you’ll want to turn back. Memories will always flood through your mind, but by the end of today, the only thing I want to do is kiss your scars away.
Don’t be afraid to let me in.
–Logan
P.S. If my day job was singing I would definitely be homeless, so I’ll leave that to the pros!
Immediately my heart swelled. His words were a paraphrase from a song written by Paid Forward, one of my favorite rock bands. I was speechless. My eyes scrolled over the words again; I was still in shock. The truth was that Logan was the first man I actually wanted to let in. I was drawn to him—he was somebody I could easily pour myself into, and after last night’s encounter with Damon, I was more than ready to move on. Damon had a serious set of balls on him—I couldn’t believe he actually thought he would be able to waltz back into my life and proclaim that he’d made a mistake. He was far too little, far too late. For the first time in a long time, I was happy—with Logan. Logan made me happy. I smiled at that thought. In the back of my mind I just prayed that if what we shared fell apart, I would be able to survive.
Following Logan’s orders, I turned over in bed to check the time. Thankfully I had some time to get ready since it was only ten fifteen. I threw back my covers with a renewed spirit. Logan’s love letter had stoked the embers around my heart.
I headed to the kitchen to make myself a piece of toast. To my surprise I saw a huge bouquet of deep orange roses engorged in a clear glass vase. I eagerly attacked the tiny envelope that stuck out of the bouquet.
Do I hear trumpets? I see someone’s awake and out of bed—good job.
If you’re still reading this note that means you’re wasting time. Get dressed!
–Logan
I couldn’t help but laugh at his attempt to be bossy. After I finished my breakfast I hurried back to my room to dress, shower, and pack a bag as instructed. I was excited about spending time with Logan, and I was even more thrilled at the prospect of getting away for a little while. I had no idea where we were going, but if it was anything like our impromptu picnic, I was confident it would be romantic. My insides quivered as I remembered his hands on me.
I had just finished applying my last traces of eyeliner when I heard the doorbell buzz.
I wasn’t at all surprised when Logan showed up exactly at eleven thirty. By this point I was well aware of the fact that he didn’t have it in him to be late.
“Coming!” I yelled, hearing the doorbell ring for the second time. I slid on the last of my accessories. I had chosen to wear a pair of skinny jeans and a black, lacy camisole. I settled on an indium gray chunky sweater and studded ballet flats.
I smiled as I opened the front door to let him in.
“Morning,” I said as I tussled with my hair, attempting to pull it back into a loose ponytail.
I took in Logan’s appearance. He was rocking a casual look, sporting a pair of light washed blue jeans, khaki-colored boat shoes, and a navy tee.
“Hey, good morning,” he smiled. He leaned in and kissed me lightly on the mouth. Stepping back, his eyes gave me a once over.
“I can’t lose you in the crowd with those on,” he said, pointing at my fuchsia, rhinestone-studded ballet flats. “You look nice.”
&nbs
p; “Thanks,” I said.
“I’m ready to go,” I stated proudly as I pointed to my overnight bag. I sounded like a third grader announcing I was ready for the first day of school.
“I love a woman who’s on the ball,” he said, leaning in to kiss my forehead. I liked receiving Logan’s small affections. I wrapped my arms around his neck and leaned into his navy collar.
“You always smell so good,” I murmured, “like laundered towels or something.” I was seriously becoming too sappy for my own liking.
He laughed at my comment. “I think it’s actually called soap.” Bending down to scoop up my small satchel he said, “Well, let’s get this show on the road.”
I locked the front door behind me and followed him to the Range Rover.
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“You’ve got to know by now that I don’t give up secrets,” he said with a smirk, tossing my bag into the back of the truck.
I looked up and down our street inconspicuously. “No Merick today?” I asked as I climbed into the car. For some reason it intrigued me that Merick was able to stay so well hidden from my roving eyes.
“He’s always around, but his job is to be behind the scenes. I don’t like being hovered over.”
“Makes sense—wait a minute. Was Merick “around” the evening of our picnic?” Oh God, please say no, I thought. I doubted Merick needed a show of his boss’s ass in the air as he pumped into me.
Logan glanced at me, “and if he was?”
“Logan!” The idea of Merick seeing us in the field made me want to run back into my house to hide. There was no way I’d be able to face him if he’d seen something. That was too embarrassing.
“Relax baby, no he wasn’t there. I gave him the afternoon off. I would never let him or anyone else see you in a compromising position.” Instant relief swept through me.
“Well thank God for that” I mumbled, as he closed the door behind me.
When we were both settled into the car I turned to Logan, “Do you mind if I pick the music this time?”
Unsettled Page 16